Leaving the Hive

Quite the opposite. Everything I say is FLAT . I’m trying to detach all emotions from him . If it comes across as flirting here it’s def not IRL … am I keeping the peace and not lashing out like I REALLY want to , absolutely. If I were in a position to leave he’d be hearing EVERYTHING .

 

I’ve been working with my therapist on detachment vs disassociation. Really really eye opening . It’s A LOT of work but I’m feeling happier , lighter with myself

 

Yuck . Horrible dream . A kind of dream when I would go to bed with spidey senses . No need for these kind of dreams anymore . I’m shook .

 

Crazy . I did my cards today and the first card I pulled was DETACH . The pic is of a cloaked woman looking sad and letting a dove fly free … detach I guess is my word lately anyway. I thank my Dad for watching over me and guiding me along

 

Honestly , I’m loving myself , my kids , having fun outside the home . I am somewhat in a pseudo “relationship “ for now . That’s enabling me to have fun in the home too . I’m not walking around flat , like a zombie . I love him , but he’ll never hear that again from me if I can help it . Eventually I’m hoping the feelings fade into an amicable “friendship” . Right now I’m getting everything I need from the relationship . We’ve gone camping which is social for us . I let him take me to dinner because I wanted lobster lol . He’s still delusional talking future plans . Because he’s not listening.

 

Also , even though your dating life has sucked , you kept CONTROL of YOUR life . You are the decision maker . You my dear took the courage to get free completely not just emotionally. Emotionally I’m slowly becoming free . Physically it’s going to take A LOT longer in my case . I’m envious

 

So I’ve been in PT twice a week for a couple months . I was just put on hold because there is regression in the foot and the CRPS ( look it up if you don’t know what this is , they call it the suicide syndrome as it is life altering with no cure ) has spread up the leg a bit . It is the brain telling my body I’m in pain 24/7 , so it then affects BP and HR . Both go HIGH then drop rapidly . So effing stupid from a kick to my son joking around . Tried lumbar sympathetic nerve block, that did nothing for the foot , and still a month later my back hurts . Still doing acupuncture and nerve meds . NOTHING is working for the excruciating bone crushing pain . But I’m trying to stay positive with this health condition. I refuse to take opioids . Ironic right ? I’m worried about becoming addicted. I am physically a mess . Emotionally exhausted. But I just have to keep swimming .

Symptoms of CRPS start within a month of the injury. It's thought that the nerves of the affected limb are much more sensitive than normal and that pain pathways between the affected limb and the brain may change so that pain continues long after the original injury has healed.

 

I have this quote as my Lock Screen . I look at it every single day , as a reminder of who I am . ❤️❤️❤️

 

Thanks ! I’m excited to start a trial drug ! This could be life changing I’m praying it works with little to no side effects I’m super sensitive to meds

 

The difference: I say something harsh /mean ( albeit true ) apologize almost immediately.
He is wronged needs 1000 apologies , he ruins everything and i get 1/2 of one .

 

Today is a good day ! My LTD policy was approved by the medical board ! At least now I can say I have income , albeit my medical bills are ridiculous.

 

At least now I don’t feel like I’m weak and not contributing. It’s not enough to leave obv but it gives me time . It’s going into the family checking acct I wish I could just pilfer off it unnoticed, not the case lol

 

Thanks doll !

 

The stonewalling is over . In walks in DARVO . Look it up . This is his pattern .
I now know why we are here . He said something like “ I know I got bad before (2016)so I stopped him and asked “ just how long do you think you were “bad “ for .
He said “ I think I got pretty bad and deep into it for a couple months then “
OH MY EFFING WORD !!! I literally laughed out loud and said “2009 was ALL the money spent on subscriptions( from 05-09) and the laptop I found in 2016 showed you never stopped ) that’s over a decade !! Not a couple months ! And that’s exactly why we are here and you minimize “
Like I’m floored , obviously he REALLY never saw the big picture of why I am the way I am , or why he is the way he is . I fuckkng can’t . I’ve been done but I gotta move right here . I’d take flowers from a man that was honest about his porn use over a weak man that has given me the world that has to lie about it any day !!