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Left a PA, looking for support

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Dra’rashii, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,
    I hope it’s the right place to post. I come here seeking healing after leaving an almost 4 year relationship with a PA. I am already in therapy to work through my issues, however I feel that having an understanding community will be really helpful. I’d like to give back too.
    It’s been incredibly difficult for me, both thorough the relationship and now after the end. I believe I am grieving and struggling with bargaining. I also feel really guilty for leaving someone really vulnerable, on the other hand I reckongnise that I couldn’t give him acceptance that he wanted. We tried to set up clearer communication so that if he relapsed he would tell me about it. I really wanted to just be able to say “it’s ok, it’s good you’re telling me” to work on this shameful feeling he had. But when I went home (abroad), he messaged me after being a bit distant that he slipped, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so hurt I ended it right there and then. I am dealing with a physical illness that is unfortunately stress induced and I had no capacity for patience anymore. I think I’m doing us both a favour by leaving to be honest. I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions, sometimes I feel it was the right choice, sometimes I feel guilty. I really loved him and cared, and I recknogised he took first steps to recovery but in my view I was always the one who wanted it more. There is so much more to the story, but it will do for now.

    Thanks for reading so far! My question... to those who stayed: why did you stay? What was the communication like?

    To those who left: are you paranoid like me about finding a man that either doesn’t watch porn at all, or someone who isn’t addicted? Have you found such a person? Do they even exist?
     
    Nugget9 and ConfusedWife like this.
  2. Glad you cared for yourself first.

    Your leaving him to take care of yourself tells him volumes about what he will need to do to have someone like you in the future and the cost of acting out. Priceless lesson for both of you actually.

    Therapy teaches so much. May you find peace and answers for your other questions shortly here.
     
  3. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it. I had to put myself first for once, I felt drained because of supporting him (maybe too much).
    I literally got violently ill after a particularly stressful time, and I’m still recovering two months later! I don’t wanna imagine what it would be like if continued.
     
    Nugget9 and Trappist like this.
  4. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    @GhostWriter thank you for taking the time to reply so thoroughly. You’re hitting the nail on the head with your comments really.

    I’m gonna talk with my therapist about this predisposition to attracting broken people, I sort of knew about it but am finally ready to work through it. I come from a family with a long history of addictions (alcohol, gambling, sex, probably other stuff I don’t even know about). My mom is the only one that doesn’t have an addiction and she got divorced when I was young, nonetheless there is a wound I need to heal. In me it manifests in unhealthy attachment and it’s my goal to finally speak about it.

    My ex on the other hand had a very sheltered upbringing in a religious family, from what I observed he was shamed for watching porn as a young person and never got over that. He escaped reality in various ways, from gaming being his main hobby, through porn, spending money he doesn’t have, weed and most recently psychedelics - he is even preaching online how they cure addictions and is big on legalisation. If only he knew he’s just replacing one escape from another. I’m coming to terms with that no one else can make him see it, just him on his own. He said that after leaving home for Uni he got depression and anxiety, well no wonder, adulting is hard if you can’t face reality.

    We talk online sometimes and it’s necessary for now - all my stuff is at his place abroad, I can’t go no contact until I pick it all up. I’m being more selective about how I talk to him, so it’s getting better.

    The lying and trust is a hard one to talk about as of now. He recently began to apologise for his actions but he made me feel like it’s my fault for not trusting him. If he was bending over backwards to gain that trust it would be an entirely different ball game. But he isn’t. He made me feel like trusting someone is a choice, even if their words don’t reflect their actions.
     
  5. yellowhouse19

    yellowhouse19 New Fapstronaut

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    Hi Dra’rashii,
    Similar to you, i'm soon legally divorced.

    7years marriage and 3 young kids.

    Sometimes i wonder if i took the right decision. but rereading these books helps me to be stronger:

    Should i stay or should i leave

    and

    the verbally abusive relationship.

    you can read it for free at scribd (google it)
    30days trial.
     
  6. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I left. We were together 6 years, and his addiction broke my heart completely and living with it (he never admitted) was unbearable.
    Yes I am thinking that every man is a PA and lies if he denies.

    I have found new boyfriend, and it is really hard to trust him, he claims that he doesnt use porn and respects me so he won't and he has no need for that. Still I get bad days that I dont believe him, and I might get paranoid. I have been thinking going to therapy.
     
  7. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    @GhostWriter I know that. But that is easier said than done. I mostly trust him, but when I get "the bad mood" I start analyzing and overthinking. I'm working very hard to stop thinking the worst, I want to trust and be happy with him more than anything else in the world.
    I'm afraid of the betrayal and that I have to live with it again that I feel I'm not sexually attractive to my man. Nothing hurts more than knowing that he only wants to fantasize of other "perfect" women and doesn't find me attractive.
     

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