Less sex?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Sunshinestar88, Mar 24, 2020.

  1. Sunshinestar88

    Sunshinestar88 Fapstronaut

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    So my husband has been battling porn addiction for 5 years. He is 1 year clean!! Yay! So happy for him.
    During his active addiction our sex life wasn't great..sex was rare. So my thought was once he has quit porn, then we would have sex more often.
    WRONG! It's even more rare to have sex. We have it way less.
    What can I do?
    Is this normal?
     
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  2. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    From what I have seen on the forum this can be normal, however it is not how it has been with my SO. I would ask him if he knows why. It sometimes seems as though part of fighting the addiction is reprogramming the brain to desire sex instead of PMO. Sometimes it can take a while. I would communicate and remember that it’s not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. Good luck!
     
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  3. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I do not believe that is normal. What is rare? Does he think it is ok to not have sex?
     
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  4. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Honestly if he is porn free and not masturbating to porn does he still think its ok to masturbate?
     
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  5. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I'm experiencing the exact same thing as you. With porn, sex was rare, without porn, sex is even rarer. Also no kissing, no hugging, no intimacy, no nothing.
     
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  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Are your husbands in counseling? It sounds like they have what my husband has which is intimacy anorexia. Sex was rare while he was using porn and he had pied and de. Before this last year, he would get in bed and turn his back to me. He never touched me. I would spoon him and no response. Fast forward a little over a year in recovery, he holds me before we fall asleep, his hand or leg reaches out to touch me during sleep, he strokes my hair and face as soon as he wakes up. This morning I had to actually ask him to scoot over because he was on top of me and I had no room. Guys, 27 years, this man avoided me like the plague in the bedroom. The first time he turned towards me in our bed, I was stunned, because it was so unfamiliar. Sex wise, it’s only One to three times a week, depending on our schedules etc. I’ve found though, that with the non sexual touching I don’t feel the “ need” for sex like I did before.
     
  7. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

    Sunshinestar88 please find a sexologist , this is not normal , you need clinical help.
     
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  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Every time I read your success story, my heart fills with joy and happiness for you. It's such a bright light for all of us SOs out here who so often times feel there is absolutely no hope.

    My husband early on refused any counselling ("I rather divorce and die"), but did get medical treatment for his depression (however not a usual antidepressant, but one with no sexual side effects). May I ask if your husband was physical with you when you first met? Mine was, the very first two years or so, but from then on virtually nothing. Like you described yours, he avoids me like the plague. I've read a bit about intimacy anorexia, but I really don't understand the phenomenon very well. I will spend my free afternoon looking into it some more, thank you so much for your helpful post.
     
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  9. fg4795

    fg4795 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to intrude in a section which I don't belong to, but let me share the addicted point of view.
    Of course this works for me,I am not married, I don't know your husband and what he passed, but I know that we have something in common : the addiction.
    I will tell you straight our brains are a bit fucked up rn, we are working on it of course, and being 1 year clean is a wonderful achievement, but reaching it in 5 years I am sorry to say that shows is not completely healed yet.
    So why he's not willing to have more sex?
    Because he's afraid. You discovered his secret, you forgave him, and you're fighting besides him, probably he really loves you but he also feel too much in debt with your kindness, forgive us again but we're men, we value pride so much(probably too much).
    So now he wants to be perfect for showing that he appreciated your help, but he's not totally healed yet, maybe during the act he could do something wrong(like calling you bad names like he used to watch or lasts less time), and this fear is blocking him, what if he do the wrong thing and this time you're not willing to forgive him?
    So he probably decided that No action is still better than the wrong action.
    So for me if you want my humble opinion you have to "destroy" his pride wall without him noticing(we're stupid after all you can do this :) ) to let him know that you're proud of him no matter what, he's fighting and for you this is the most important thing. And as long is sincere he can also fail.
    I repeat it, it is just my point of view, I experienced it last summer when I met a girl and I was so afraid that my bad "past actions" could make me do wrong things than in the end I did nothing.
     
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  10. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    What does he say when you ask him about it?
     
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Our relationship has always been a little different. Dated 5 years... my boundaries during dating was no sex, I’m waiting for marriage and if you try anything I’m gone. Lol! I thought he was respecting my boundaries unlike so many other men I dated. We get married, and I knew immediately something was off. Once we added sex, he became a different person. However, he was still very affectionate just not in the bedroom. I came to hate the fact that he would kiss and hug me in the KITCHEN!! Never our bedroom. My husband also suffers from depression I told him 6 months into marriage that something was very wrong with him and it wasn’t normal. Up until 5 years ago, he refused to address any of these issues. So when I say a year in recovery, it’s more like 5 years of work before the real recovery even began. He got on medication for depression which has made a huge difference. He has adhd and a little ocd, he did 20 weeks of neurofeedback and that has helped immensely. The csat counseling and group meetings though are what have really helped him understand why he did what he did, and how to change. If your husband won’t do counseling maybe he would be willing to at least read and work through Out of the Shadows by Carnes. When my husband got to the intimacy anorexia part at his group he said it didn’t apply to him!! Omg! It’s dead on. So when he went through the homework part with me, I told him “ this is most definitely you and you need to go back and think about it more!” My csat laughed when I told her. My point being, they don’t even know who they are. They have lived in their heads for so long, that they’ve built an image that’s not real.
     
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    @Lilla_My its Facing the shadows by Carnes, not Out of the shadows. Both are good though
     
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  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    What explanation other than the intimacy anorexia did your husband think he had, since he vehemently denied suffering from it?

    Thanks for the book tip, I will see if it is possible to get him to read, but I doubt it. Video games have became an all consuming hobby for him, and if I were to get close, he makes sure to occupy himself very fast.
     
  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He didn’t have one. He just really thought that because he loved me, he couldn’t have a problem with intimacy. See, addicts have this picture in their mind of who they are. It’s a lie, and until they have many months clean, they can’t see it at all. Once clean, the fog lifts. They start seeing more clearly. However, without help, they can be clean but still cling to the image they created. It’s when they start talking with a counselor, or other men in group sessions that the truth starts to sink in. It’s working through the homework and the veil drops. I know there might be people who can break free from this by themselves, but I think to understand why they do it takes a lot of work and help. Otherwise, they will turn to another form of addiction. Ie video games. Your husband is so afraid to face his own emotions, his own reality, that he has to have an escape. My husband in the beginning was also using video games, I pointed it out, he talked about it with his counselor and in group and now he will ask if I have any plans, can he play his game, and then he sets a timer to quit. This is where group and counseling really helps. He no longer feels like I’m the killer of fun, lol. He understands that the addict wants escape and when I point it out, I’m not shoving his flaws in his face, I’m trying to connect with him. The irony, his counselor and his group have agreed with me on every single thing. Slowly, he has begun to trust when I tell him he is using something as an escape. Before, he just felt resentment that he couldn’t “ veg out”. His “ veg out” though isn’t the normal retreat time most healthy people need, it wound be hours and hours. My husband refused to see a counselor when we first married. I was stuck for 5 years not knowing what was going on, then dday. I called 3 attorneys and started the process for divorce. He begged me. I said I’d only give him a chance if he went to counseling. Too bad they didn’t understand porn addiction back then. It would’ve saved us a lot of pain. Sometimes the only way to make them choose to face it, is to cause more pain than what they are running from. Sometimes, they still choose addiction. There a website howwelove.com if he’s willing to take the test you can see your core pattern and styles of living which can help.
     
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  15. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    An especially interesting remark. At some point, we inevitably seem to become their mothers.
    Maybe this is where I'm at... I feel desperate. If he wanna play all day, that would be one thing, but the lack of intimacy is killing me. I can't confront him as he will just be angry and accuse me of complaining. And I do complain, since our problems never ever get resolved.
     
  16. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    @Sunshinestar88 and @Lilla_My
    I worry this will come across as crass or rude... please forgive me if it does.

    Is there any chance your husbands have fallen out of love with either of you?
    I ask, because, that possibility has not come up in the thread yet, and it is a real possibility. I look at my parents, my grandparents, my inlaws, my aunts and uncles, my great grandparents, etc... in my life, probably 25 different couples I have known for a long time. I assume that most of those couple (due to their lack of internet savvy) did not have porn addiction problems in their marriage. And, very few of those couples seemed truly happy. So... maybe, quitting porn has brought clarity to your spouse's mind, and they are finding they are not happy with their marriage, and they no longer are addicted to sex as a way to cope with their unhappiness.

    It is true that your husbands might be like @Psalm27:1my light's husband and he will eventually come around, given the right therapy, and enough time. But, It is equally as possible, that your situations are unique in their own right.

    And... if it is true that your husband has fallen out of love, what does that mean? Maybe it means that it is time for a new phase of marital therapy... one that focuses on bringing love back into the marriage? Therapy that is less about the porn addiction and more about the marriage as a whole? Other ideas?

    Like I said... IMO, this was the elephant in the room for this thread, I feel like it is healthy to at least discuss the possibility. No hard feelings.
     
  17. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Could very well be. I've never saw that outcome as "the elephant in the room", but an obvious possibility.

    Personally, I've had this discussion with my husband repeatedly. I've told him, "if you were to fall out of love with me, then let me know or divorce me". So he has the choice to do so at any time. That was a die hard promise we made to each other. I'm sure other couples in here have made similar arrangements.

    On the other hand, there are gay men having sex with their wives, couples in loveless arranged marriages having loads of kids, friends that have sex with their friends, people having sex with their hands, women/men having sex with strangers... Yes people are known to bang animals, cucumbers, house appliances, apple pies, hookers, even their own children! So you clearly don't have to be "in love" to have a sex life (may it be healthy or unhealthy).
     
  18. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    True. Lots of people will have sex without love. I think there is a link between love and attractiveness... if you are attracted to someone, you will have sex without love. If you are in love with someone, you are more likely to find them attractive, even as they grow old and wrinkly. If you are not in love with your spouse, being attracted to them is probably much more difficult, because you see them every day and you see the whole them, not the dressed up prettified person that the rest of the world sees. I think long term attraction is very hard without love.
     
  19. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I've asked repeatedly what's wrong with me. If I'm attractive enough. What it is that I'm lacking, that makes me unfuckable. No answer. See, he has a hand, and he has a dick, so I assumed he had a mouth he could use to communicate with as well, or at least legs he could walk out on if he felt trapped with a hopelessly unattractive spouse. Well, apparently neither of them function. So while I do think you have a point, I think there is more to sexless marriages than meets the eye.
     
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    If you’re attracted to someone you will have sex without love... not for the person who has trauma surrounding sex. Not for the person who has intimacy anorexia. They can be fully attracted, fully in love, and still so ashamed and terrified that they resist sex. Years of counseling, 28 years of marriage. My husband still says he gets anxiety over initiating sex. He at least understands it better now. I will never understand how he can be afraid of sex. I don’t have any shame or trauma surrounding that. He is however healing, and getting so much better with this area. Once the porn was gone, his attraction for me went through the roof, then the shame was gone now he just has anxiety, lol. I’m sure years of pied have not helped that.
     

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