28th of February - 2 relapses! Lately, I've been having trouble abstaining even for a day. Yesterday and the day before I did it 5-6 times... That's mildly said disturbing. But here starts a new month and just like all the previous times I've made the empty vow, I'm gonna do it again - I am not gonna fap from this day on, as long I have strength to resist, because I think fapping takes away more from me than gives. It took my time, my desire for women and other fruitful activities, it left me in an anxious and unsatisfied state in life - quiet desperation. But once more starting this month I would only hope to complete it and try not to blame myself too hard for past mistakes, for blaming myself will lead only to another unsatisfied state, which leads to relapse and the vicious cycle would continue. To change yourself, you must do it now and not postpone it for tomorrow. For tomorrow may never come. And yet I use the start of the new month as an excuse, punctual if not else. "Hey I stopped fapping, starting from March till eternity" Let's be honest I'll probably relapse. The max I've lasted is a month and both times I was filled with hope to find a woman and fix all the other areas of my life. But my hopes were crushed and ever since I just can't take it. I hedonistically masochistically abuse myself nearly every day, just to reduce the dullness of living. I know I can do better and it breaks my heart that I don't, but looking at myself I just can't bring myself to do. Again and again and again. Quitting this looks like an illusion looking at my past experience. Too much comfort man, too much soothing to give up. Why would I? I knopw it's bad but not bad enough to damage me beyond repair. Certainly, it damages me emotionally and physiologically but still not hard enough to scare me. I still can function as an individual in this society with it. Not optimal functioning tho, just to get me by. Really I'm kinda fed up with fapping. I'm not gonna do it. Just not. It fills me but empties me harder.