Let this relapse be like my last meal before death sentence

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by fapequalsdeath, Feb 28, 2018.

  1. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    28th of February - 2 relapses! Lately, I've been having trouble abstaining even for a day. Yesterday and the day before I did it 5-6 times... That's mildly said disturbing. But here starts a new month and just like all the previous times I've made the empty vow, I'm gonna do it again - I am not gonna fap from this day on, as long I have strength to resist, because I think fapping takes away more from me than gives. It took my time, my desire for women and other fruitful activities, it left me in an anxious and unsatisfied state in life - quiet desperation. But once more starting this month I would only hope to complete it and try not to blame myself too hard for past mistakes, for blaming myself will lead only to another unsatisfied state, which leads to relapse and the vicious cycle would continue. To change yourself, you must do it now and not postpone it for tomorrow. For tomorrow may never come. And yet I use the start of the new month as an excuse, punctual if not else. "Hey I stopped fapping, starting from March till eternity" Let's be honest I'll probably relapse. The max I've lasted is a month and both times I was filled with hope to find a woman and fix all the other areas of my life. But my hopes were crushed and ever since I just can't take it. I hedonistically masochistically abuse myself nearly every day, just to reduce the dullness of living. I know I can do better and it breaks my heart that I don't, but looking at myself I just can't bring myself to do. Again and again and again. Quitting this looks like an illusion looking at my past experience. Too much comfort man, too much soothing to give up. Why would I? I knopw it's bad but not bad enough to damage me beyond repair. Certainly, it damages me emotionally and physiologically but still not hard enough to scare me. I still can function as an individual in this society with it. Not optimal functioning tho, just to get me by. Really I'm kinda fed up with fapping. I'm not gonna do it. Just not. It fills me but empties me harder.
    noonoon likes this.
  2. Exonyte

    Exonyte Fapstronaut

    Let's do it bro
  3. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

  4. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

    Every unsuccessful reboot can be traced back to a faulty mindset. It's not that you don't have enough willpower or that your body is stronger than you, it never was.
    When I'm reading your post I really empathize because I felt the same way just recently. I've been trying to quit for a year and relapsed a dozen times. But looking back I did so many things wrong which I changed this time:

    -I didn't use to see my excessive need for lust as the problem, I thought it's just about porn. I know now porn is just a symptom. The real issue is my mindset towards lust.

    -I didn't connect masturbation and porn, thinking just jerking off without porn is fine. Since it's about mindset, I know now masturbation is part of the problem.

    -I was so angry and too proud to have even navigated myself into this life situation, that I wanted to deal with this issue with nothing but my willpower. No NoFap, no blocking software. I know now that's like going to war armed with a toothpick.

    -Speaking of war, I used to think my lust is my enemy while rebooting. I know now it is not. I broke my lust over the years by repeatedly making the wrong choice and turned it into a monster. It's my fault, it's like I abused a family member and it's my responsibility to heal it and not get angry/frustrated with it.

    -You spoke about making a vow and breaking it again and again. I did the same mistake many times. The reason it doesn't work is because the target of your vow is unclear. There is a part within you that always shows you the path towards success. That part is what suggested you to come to NoFap. You have to recognize it, for all intends and purposes, as a separate entity within you. That's who you vow to, that's who you have to trust. You don't vow to your body, or to your lust and you don't vow to "yourself" because the self is too complex to target like that.
    Personally I use meditation to really connect with that good part within me. Others see it as God himself and pray to it. It doesn't matter as what you conceive it exactly, what matters is that you differentiate it from the other parts of yourself, so you know who you vow to and who you betray when you break your promise.

    If this sounds a bit like schizophrenic talk, let me assure you it's not. ^^ Our ancestors have recognized the different parts of the self and they called them gods (god of love, god of anger, god of wisdom etc.). Neurobiologists have understood that the brain works as a cluster of different parts operating largely independently as well.

    I highly recommend to read this thread:https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/6-years-clean-rebooting-as-the-best-remedy.135983/
    It's about a chinese fellow who wrote a whole book on rebooting and this NoFap member HMHU translated a lot into english. There's a lot of repetition and there's a lot of emphasis on traditional chinese medicine, but he really tackles the root of the problem, the mind. Most helpful thread I've found on this forum yet.

    Stay strong bro!
    Clean Plate and Hufflekid like this.
  5. Hufflekid

    Hufflekid Fapstronaut

    I'd really encourage you to not look at this like a death sentence.

    When making any change, you've got to reinforce the positive ways that this change is not going to benefit you. For example, if you're giving up pizza, you wouldn't want to think of an entire miserable life ahead of you without it. It's generally more beneficial to think about having a slice here or there in the future, focusing mostly on how good your body is going to feel when you're not eating an entire large pizza every day.

    I'm concerned about the self-abuse. You may want to see some sort of therapist to deal with that.

    Otherwise, here's what I think you should focus on right now:

    1. Deciding (no "maybe" or "one day") to do this.
    2. Writing down your reasons for doing this.
    3. Repeating those reasons. Consistently. Every time you might relapse or whenever you need motivation.
    4. Make a list of things you can do instead of fapping. Block yourself from sites you might use for porn. These will help you focus.

    Rebooting/removing PMO should be an incredibly positive thing in your life. It's only restricting if you choose to see it that way.
    Clean Plate likes this.
  6. Man, I have been where you are, and I have said the same things to myself. "I know it's bad but not bad enough to damage me beyond repair". Yeah, I know that one.
    Here is a technique that may help you. Let me quote from another post that I commented on:

    "The best way of putting is this: the war is over, because I was mistaken, it wasn't a war. It was me cringing, rather than owning. It also puts things "on the ground" so to speak.I no longer worry about "oh, how long this time" or "when will I fail again". Time is shrunk to the present. This is not subtle, and it is not tricky. It is as real as the next moment. I simply will not allow to feel like it has "grabbed a hold of me". I am sure you know THAT feeling. I will step back, and SEE it. Then I am in position to ask questions, and to make choices.
    This is a brain retraining, essentially. The bombardment of internet porn truly messes with the brain chemistry, but due to the now understood plasticity of the brain, we CAN walk a different path. This method provides a small change to make that happen."

    Here is where I learned the technique:

    Now that you have a technique, let's address the issue of of living a more fulfilling life. Here is another video that helped me "get" the bigger picture.

    This IS possible. If you want me to elaborate, just say so.
    vxlccm and Clean Plate like this.
  7. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Thanks, for your post. I've watched many similar clips, read extensively on addiction and I can see how porn ruins my life. The evidence is more than evident. It just recently got me thinking to be more committed and determined to quit this addiction in particular, using introspection primarily.
    Determined_to_Succeed likes this.
  8. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I've read some of soaring eagle. Some of his ideas are insightful, despite of the different socio-cultural context. I agree about having the right instruments to beat this. I've noticed that these past years I've researched nearly everything about porn, spent alot of time in this site and on my own thinking about it. But there comes a time where you just overflow with knowledge and it is useless when you don't actually apply it. Not only that but you feel even worse when you know you're not applying it since you are not ignorant no more. I also agree that with more clarity of your goal, it's easier to hit it. The different kind of instruments definitely helps to clear it up. The claim of an essence withing the mind and body, which needs to be listened is poorly argumented,but I'd rather not go into that now. Thanks for the support, second day going strong.
    Determined_to_Succeed likes this.
  9. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

    The old phrase “ don’t talk the talk, walk the walk” should be of inspiration.
  10. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    @Determined_to_Succeed -- liked that "self control" video!

    Allowing cravings to come and go is like being hungry but still fasting. It may not be a "struggle" that I always feel in NoFap, but it's an interesting concept.
    Determined_to_Succeed likes this.
  11. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    So, you’ve identified a few issues you MUST work on in conjunction with your nofap discipline. Good for you! What were they:
    1 hope to find a woman
    2 belief that a woman will fix all other areas of life
    3 belief “I can’t take it”
    4 self abuse

    This is great self-awareness. Now, move forward with this battle on two fronts rather than one. Stop fapping and address these underlying issues. (How to address these issues is a bigger topic. Perhaps get help of therapist?)
  12. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

    You need to spice up your life. First reboot, go cold turkey (no sex/porn/mb) for 90 days, vigorous exercise daily for these three months (5 days per week minimum) then start socializing, go out, travel and start dating. Don't expect gf to solve your problems, you have to solve them by yourself or with help of a therapist.
    Gooding likes this.
  13. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    This is what I would do if I am in the OP's situation

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