Let's talk about Boundaries

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kenzi, Jun 23, 2017.

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  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    OK, so I've been reading alot of the threads on here.
    A common thing I've noticed, is the SOs want boundaries.
    Me and my SO did this in a much different fashion.
    However, due the fact that so many people are unhappy... If like to hear from everyone who has them in place, all in one place and whether or not they are working.
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  3. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Feeling like :emoji_poop: right now. Got some icky virus. Just want you to know I feel this is important. I'll come back to it soon.❤️
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  5. I was actually working on this list this morning. Funny you posted this. We've discussed verbally but nothing in writing. I am making the list of my boundaries. So far this is what I have.

    NO list - my boundaries
    No PMO
    No using wife to M
    No P-Subs
    No edging outside of sex w wife
    No blaming - take responsibility
    No lying
    No secretive behavior/secrets

    DO list - actions to rebuild trust
    Do educate yourself
    Do identify triggers
    Do be honest
    Do communicate wo being asked
    Do make goals and boundaries for self
    Do have a plan

    I'm curious if you let them know what the consequences are ahead of time. Like do you really say I'm going to emotionally withdraw from you?
     
  6. MindfulAchilles

    MindfulAchilles Fapstronaut

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  7. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    What happens if the boundaries are crossed? I have a hard time determining consequences if I were to even make a list of my own boundaries.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  8. I'd add @Bel here :)

    My set of boundaries (so far):
    - No P of any kind
    - No p-subs of any kind
    - No erotic texts online or in books
    - No ogling women (different from looking at people with genuine appreciation) or their body parts anywhere (in public, friends, online, on TV, in advertisements, etc.) - no fulfillment so far :-(
    - No objectifying any people for whatever reason - not good yet :-(
    - No devices of any kind in the toilet
    - No M
    - No fantasizing - I have no clue
    - If I say NO to physical touch or sex, then it's NO - he's not happy about this one
    - If he disrespects my boundaries in public, I can leave or tell him to leave at any time - so far had to tell him once
    - No opening of P/S or hook-up/dating e-mails under any circumstances - happened yesterday, but no WiFi, so images didn't load :-/
    - No image-heavy or advertisement-heavy sites, especially no trashy "news" sites
    - Preferably a text-based news reader (REAL NEWS, not celebrity gossip)
    - No YouTube or Google images/video searches with *certain* words
    - No apps with "secret" browsers in them
    - NO LYING - this is a deal breaker
    The list is constantly growing... :-(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2017
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    No "rabbit hole apps" (zedge has naked wallpapers)
    No social media
    No naked coffee stands
    No driving by gyms, beaches etc
    No p/P-Subs /m
    Only I have the Parental control codes. To everything.
    No deleting history or secret tabs
    No movies by himself unless PG or less
    Use the code when someone attractive is at work - and work lists.
    Adhere to promise list.
    Changed Google to think he is a old woman.
    YouTube videos are only approved channels - no searches.
    Our phones Stay synced.
     
    BetrayedMermaid, Tessa, Bel and 3 others like this.
  10. Well you need to have personal boundaries in place to protect yourself period! In any type of relationship even friendships. I struggled w personal boundaries for years bc I was codependent. Read up about codependency as I believe it would be very helpful for you as well.
    Anyways, when it comes to consequences the thing is you need to. Be able to follow through on them. So if you say...if he cheats on me I'm leaving him for good...then you need to be able to do that. "Love must be tough" is another really good book I read about all of this. Boundaries and consequences.
     
  11. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    My line in the sand was that if he ever EVER did it again, he had better tell me. Because if he didn't and I found out on my own, I would be packing up the kids and leaving him. If he told me but then relapsed and relapsed, again I would be leaving. And when I left, I wasn't going to hold back from sullying his reputation either. I'm willing to blab to anyone that would listen. His mother, friends, people in our congregation......blabbity blab blab. In all honesty, I think the idea of THAT scared him more than me taking the kids and leaving.

    17 years is a lot of wasted time. I have no interest in specifying which ways of cheating on me are okay. All orgasms and sexual interest should come from me and being with me. Period. Everything else is cheating. Emotional cheating, sexual cheating, cheating on the vow he stood before God and spoke. There is no gray area.

    I will not stand for lies or half truths. He knows my terms.

    I don't know what your line in the sand is. You must have one. How much are you willing to accept? Is this what you signed on for? Does he care what YOU deserve? A man who loves and RESPECTS you? Your call.
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm the same.
    I'm leaving.
    If any of these are crossed.

    Here's how I'm different.
    Accidents.... If a Genuine accident occurs and if there is Honesty Immediately, we can discuss it.
    Like a Google update takes a permission away and a Ad comes through.
    Tell me.

    Here's how else I'm different.
    When we sat down and did the Boundaries List.... I agreed these applied to me too (the ones on the actual Boundaries, Not on the Promise List or any other Lists)
    And I ALSO follow them.
    That means I'm P Free for a year +.
    He said This helps with his recovery.
    I'm doing it too.
    I'm not just supporting him, I'm walking beside him.
    It's less police like and more handholding.
    Even if I don't give a flying shit about some of these things (and we have other boundaries I didn't list) he said it's important to him to show him I'm his teammate and partner.
    Because I am.
    These are, essentially, vows to go with vows.
    That matters to US, on a personal level.
    His mindset that way, is he does not want to break another vow.... Makes a Huge difference.
     
  13. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Such wonderful input from everyone! Awesome sauce!!

    My thought process pretty much ditto's @WifeInTheDark.

    In my household @ReturningToEarth can get around parental controls, app monitors, wifi restrictions, etc. I know how to do this as well but with much more limited scope. I personally could not deal with the stress of always wondering if I was keeping one step ahead or not. My philosophy for this is he either quits it or he doesn't and either I gain back trust or don't.

    I am also fortunate that he has never had a smart phone, hates texting and, with the exception of Reddit, does not do social media.

    What I ask of him:
    -No lying
    -You relapse (P,P-sub, MO by own hand) you tell me. Period. (The exception is if I'm visiting family or at a conference. I'm already stressed that he's alone and don't want it compounded by knowing he's not keeping his end of the bargain. We try to avoid this by having him come with whenever possible. If he does relapse he must tell me upon my return.)
    -No continual relapsing without acknowledging triggers and how to avoid them because in my opinion it means he's not really invested in recovery if he keeps putting himself in the face of danger.
    -We talk. No "I don't know" as a final answer. You don't know, then think about it and get back to me.

    Consequences: Divorce, public announcement, I move home.

    I love the business I own and the friends I've made and the community I'm in, but I'm here because of my true love - @ReturningToEarth. He breaks my heart, I don't want anything to do with anything that reminds me of him and that's our town. I moved hundreds of miles away from a group of loving family members to be with the one that's most important to me so if he looses all of my trust, there is nothing that is going to keep me away from my family. I'm not an addict, I've maintained honestly, I've done everything in my power and moral compass to be the wife he wants me to be. And everyone in our small town who knows me will know that and why I'm leaving. FYI: it's not about shaming or guilting him that I would resort to this. It's about honesty. With the exception of my mom and his brother, no one knows about this. You know how hard it is to hear "You're so LUCKY to have him!". Before I knew about the addiction I would agree but now I feel like screaming, "It's not f**kin' luck! And you don't know the half of it!". Instead I reply calmly and with a smile, "It's not luck. I'd say I'm blessed. After all, marriage is work on both ends. We've learned a lot from each other. Plus I like to think I'm a nice enough person to deserve a nice enough husband.":)

    Things I'm proud he incorporated on his own to keep his goal in mind:
    -FANOS every single day
    -Recovery Nation workshops
    -Filters on Reddit and stopped using app on tablet since filters couldn't be applied
    -Cold showers
    -Talking to my mom about his addiction
    -Being more forth coming with his feelings.

    He tells me now if he wasn't listening and why. Or if my tone seems to imply something different from what I'm saying. Or if he is having a hard time choosing words to get his exact meaning across. It has made all the difference in the world.

    When he's not like that I call him out on it so we can discover why. For example When he said he didn't believe I had a temperature is it because

    1. You think I'm a hyperchondriac and am just trying to get out of doing things around the house or
    2. You're worried it's real and it stresses you out to think that something serious could be wrong with me or
    3. Other

    We are constantly talking things through and keeping communication open and constructive. As long as I have that I am able to rebuild trust. If I'm able to rebuild trust, I find staying easier as well.

    Best wishes to everyone out there! PAs and SOs!!!❤️❤️:emoji_hugging::emoji_hugging:
     
  14. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    Lord , I had to hear his mother drone on and on along this line....finally I enlightened her. It also has opened my eyes bc I don't ever say this to anyone. Now I just congratulate the deed or act if I see one.
     
  15. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Wow, it's hard for me to even want to complain knowing you've had to deal with 17 years of this.

    From the beginning of my relationship I expressed how important honesty and transparency is to me. Just two days ago he was caught in a lie, nothing particularly crazy (cheating, relapse, etc...) but my privacy was still violated. I will not tolerate lying but I'm not sure if it's fair to expect absolutely no lies. I think I'm being soft. I know that emotional or physical cheating is my hard boundary which would be the point where I end things and leave. But there's things like secrets, lying, touching me like he's entitled to my body... that I find unacceptable but don't feel the consequence should be separating.

    Something I definitely have to continue reflecting on.
     
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  16. You definitely have to work on loving and respecting yourself or someone else will not love and respect you either. Each one of us is precious and a gift. You might not always feel that way but you are! So it is an absolute PRIVILEGE for someone if you allow them to touch you...NOT a right or entitlement! You deserve to be treated like a princess and nothing less. Don't settle for less than what you deserve..demand more for yourself. If you don't fight for you...who will? You are precious and loved by someone greater than anyone! Stay well!
     
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  17. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I look forward to reading the continued responses here. It's such an important topic. I'm afraid I don't have much to contribute. I don't think boundaries can really be in play until the PASO has accepted their addiction and the pain it has caused. We still haven't reached that point yet. So I am working on my own codependency issues and am creating boundaries FOR MYSELF. They all result in the same thing: I leave. Some of them are PA related, others are just about respect and trust and proper treatment. I'll be happy to post them when I've got a good draft.

    I will probably be using my current relationship more to practice communicating and asserting these boundaries and needs because I've reached the point where I don't think he can fulfill them and it's bound to end. Which will be good because we both deserve someone who can treat us as well as we deserve and love us to the fullest extent possible. I believe I would be able to offer both to him if I felt he could reciprocate but I don't think he will. I had hoped if he could accept his PA and all its consequences that it would enlighten him and we could have a true partnership and fulfilling relationship. Maybe that's even true but I no longer believe he will be able to fully accept his addiction or see how poorly he loves me so there is little hope for getting the relationship I want, need, and deserve.

    Once I truly accept and believe that (because I stupidly or codependently still hold out hope), I think I'll feel safe enough to set us both free.
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  19. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Here is how we managed to make it through the first year, and then I'll tell you our long term plan.
    First year I basically said that "here are my needs and boundaries, if you can't do these minimal things we can't do this."
    For me I needed
    - History every day (also access to email and phone and computer)
    -100% honesty (he was honest for the entire year except for one Spotify thing, in which case we now share a Spotify account. Some covers are pornographic so that's where the issue was.)
    - Tell me when he gets to work and when he leaves (so I know the history matches up so I know if he would have deleted anything, though I could check the history through Google to keep him accountable if necessary)
    - Blockers on Chrome on computer and MobileFence on phone (Mobilefence has been a blessing for both of us, it keeps him focused on work and keeps my sanity).
    -Therapy was a must! If he wasn't in therapy or wasn't looking that was a deal breaker for me.
    -Later in the second half of the year, I wanted to have weekly talks about recovery to know how things were going
    - Also, with TV we vet each show or movie, and during any scene that is sexual (girl in underwear, sex scene, stuff like that) he looks away, and he hasn't minded that and figured that was a good thing.
    -Also, I printed packets and bought some good books
    -Get educated on addiction (I ended up teaching him most of it because I study psych and know a lot about addiction)
    -Try not to be as selfish (which he has been better at, but he still struggles immensely in other areas)
    - Be an adult (aka, make your own doctors appointments, be responsible about remembering them. I didn't like that I played his secretary in the past keeping track of everything, it was overwhelming to me).

    Now the plan moving forward
    - Keep the blockers in place
    -We want to get a laptop we can share, and he will use chrome I'll use Safari so to know who's history is which when we get it
    - We are in individual therapy as well as couple therapy
    - I wrote a list of things he should think/do daily, so try to do the entire list if not most (mainly things like think about how you are feeling today, how might Anna be feeling? How can I make her feel loved today? Also journaling feelings)
    - Talk 2 times a week about addiction, recovery, parenting (since our first kid is arriving in November), or any other fun/serious conversations (he has an issue of making every conversation about cars).
    - Do fun things together to bond (such as a weekend getaway, or going to find fun coffee shops since he wants to eventually open a coffee shop, and go on fun drives since he loves driving)
    - He has to be active on Nofap or RebootNation (3x per week minimum)
    -Read a chapter/section of book/packet daily (except for school days) and we can discuss what he has read since I've read them all already. The packets literally were a step by step guide on how to repair trust after an affair (I know porn isn't the classical affair, but to me, as I stated prior to our relationship porn was unacceptable in my relationships and I viewed it as cheating). So I really want him to take the Relationship recovery seriously since this past year he focused on individual recovery (which I am proud of).
    -Obviously, stay honest, and that if either of us has an issue or trigger (I struggle with anorexia) we talk to each other and let the other one know we might need more support.

    If these are broken it depends on which for consequences.

    If he uses porn (or subs) he moves out. (that is if he is constantly using/relapsing).

    If he does something that he knows is against a boundary he sleeps in another room for that night.

    If he watches tv shows that arent vetted, or doesn't look away and is obviously looking/ sexualizing serious talk, no tv for a while and a back massage (since I love them).

    If he lies (big lies) he moves out. If they are little we talk and go to therapy.

    That's all I have for now.
     

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