Let's talk about Boundaries

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kenzi, Jun 23, 2017.

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  1. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I can't read his mind for sure. But 2 weeks ago I brought boxes for the stuff to move out and start packing. The boxes still here, so saying pack your stuff he is definitely know that is real and not a joke.
    I doubt he is expecting me to stay.
     
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  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    The biggest issue thing I see is men who are not willing to change. Who entered into the nofap journey not because they saw a problem but because they did not want to lose us. My hope was that eventually mine would come around to seeing this was best for him as well but he has not.
     
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  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    One never knows for sure. Addicts operate under a series of delusions that allow them to stay addicted.
     
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Yep this is very typical again a delusion his addiction creates for him to allow him to stay addicted.
     
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  5. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I'm at the state of mind when I barely can say what is black and what is white.
    Just can't believe everything what is going on right now
     
  6. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Which is why he is still with them....oh, wait...he's not! Intetesting.

    Best wishes to you! Good for you for having the strength and power to recognize and walk away from a situation that has no benefit for the well-being you deserve. ❤️❤️
     
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  7. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    :) :)y:)yo:)you made me laugh :)
    Thank you :D:emoji_hearts::emoji_heartbeat:
     
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  8. MaculaDensa

    MaculaDensa New Fapstronaut

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    Hi. I'm a wife who's just starting out on this whole journey. My husband is on Day 7 of his reboot, so we're both new to the whole concept of PA and NoFap and trying to navigate how to move forward.

    I obviously don't have as much experience as others here on boundaries or what are good boundaries, etc., but right now this is where I'm at on the topic:

    • Honesty. I can't live in a world of lies and gaslighting, and I can't rebuild trust without total honesty. I need to feel like you're committed to us and solving this, and total honesty with me will demonstrate that better than anything. If you're feeling an urge, if you're feeling down or angry or wondering if this is all worth it, if you've relapsed... anything like that. I very much want to be supportive and a safe person for you to talk to without fear of reprisal, and it's only possible with honesty. Lying will make us combatants, not partners.
    • Commitment. I can't do the heavy lifting. I can't MAKE you change. I can't make your choices for you. If you're not committed for you, this won't work. As long as you're committed, giving it your very best effort, being honest about successes and failures... well, that gives me something to work with.
    • Outside help. We're going to meet with our priest next week to talk about everything with him. He's an awesome guy that we both love and trust and has given us great direction and advice through the years, so he feels like a good place to start. We haven't had that meeting yet so I don't know what he's going to advise us to do, but at the very least I want my husband to set up regular meetings with him, at whatever frequency Father thinks is necessary. He needs to talk to someone other than me about it, and he needs that other person to be someone with experience and training in dealing with these kinds of issues. So this boundary isn't fully set in stone yet. On my end, I need someone safe to talk to about it, too. I am not talking to any friends and family about it because I can't move forward if I feel like others who have no business knowing would never forget, if that makes sense.

    Beyond that, I've spent a lot of time thinking of my role in all of this, how I can be supportive without being recriminatory, how my needs should be met without casting myself in the role of his personal conscience or Nanny or someone he feels is looking over his shoulder watching and waiting and expecting him to screw it all up so I can pounce.

    He's been very honest with me. He's logged into everything I've asked and has given me access to anything I wanted to see. I found plenty. My biggest struggle right now is making myself stop the searching and snooping. It's like now that the dam has burst, it's a compulsion to keep digging... even though every instinct I have and all the evidence I've amassed has given me nothing but proof that he has been totally forthcoming and wants to be better really and truly. So, it's not a good headspace for me to be in. For my own mental health, I have realized that I have to make a choice to either throw in the towel or move forward.

    With that in mind, I did a lot of research and thinking about the various accountability software available and I've settled on Ever Accountable. I like that it's not a blocking or filtering service, because I really feel the need to commit myself to giving him a real shot. I want him to have total freedom to make his own choices, and I'm hoping and rooting for him to choose well. I also like that it will email me logs of his activity because I'm hoping that that will help me get over feeling like I have to search and hunt and Sherlock him to death. It will also give him an opportunity if he does relapse to tell me first, which is points for demonstrating honesty. So I feel like it's a good balance for both of us. And then the other random boundary we decided on was going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time. Late nights when I go to bed and he's "not tired", alone downstairs are when there's trouble, so let's not put ourselves in that position.

    So I guess that's it for now. Like I said, we're just starting out on all of this. This list might change as time goes on and we realize things. We've been having really great conversations, and we've never been more honest and open with each other so I'm feeling pretty good at this moment in time. I feel like we're finally, genuinely connected, which has been amazing. It feels real, like we have no secrets. I realize this isn't an overnight fix. I expect that there will be ups and downs and failures and successes. On my end, I'm trying to find a balance between being wise/not naive, and forgiving and loving. I do not want him to feel devalued or like I feel that he isn't worth loving, trusting, or valuing as a person, because I do love and value him. This is an issue, but he's been a great husband in every other way and is a great dad. And the anchor to my soul is that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he loves me so much.

    So I hope this is a success for us. I'm really rooting for him. One day at a time.
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  11. Selfdiscovery

    Selfdiscovery Fapstronaut

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    @WifeInTheDark Hey hope you must be allright.I used to read your thread like other's about your husbands recovery.It helped me understand many aspects of relationship and the deadly causes of FPMO!Hope your kids must be allright.
    Just wanted to thank you.This community is amazing,by reading and relating I get to know many aspects which I did not atall thought earlier.God bless you all.
     
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  12. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

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    My SO gets furious when I talk to anyone about this so should thst be my condequence?
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  13. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    He can't even say another woman might be pretty? That seems overly harsh.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @SOSo
    If you haven't read this thread yet... Check it out, I think you might find alot of the answers you seek
     
  15. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    What?!?
    Why would you deserve a consequence?

    In an intimate relationship, there should be secrets between just the two of you. Sexual issues are sort of sacred. I've told one human a teeny bit of what happened but, despite the effect on my personal health, I've kept our ongoing sexual and relationship issues and the mind numbing pain to myself.

    To say, "it's hard" to be the SO of an addict is a huge understatement. Not only is noone interested in meeting your needs, you are actively being emotionally injured for most of your relationship. A relationship should be your oasis from a world that is uncaring and cruel. Especially when you recite wedding vows, you should be able to lean on your mate and know unquestionably that they have your back. But when they are a PMO addict, not only do they NOT have your back, they are busy stabbing you in the back.

    So then you are truly alone in the world. You can't tell anyone that this person is hurting you. All your friends assume you are fine and in a healthy, loving relationship when all along you are living with someone who would rather be with imaginary fantasy women than you. It's like being a widow or divorced but no one knows. Very isolating. It's a hard life to lead.
     
  16. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the well wishes!

    Things are better with us a year and a half into recovery. Our relationship is not ideal. But it's quite a bit better than it was. We have a sex life but not as much as I'd hoped for.
    But we can TALK OPENLY about it now. We don't fight nearly as much. The occasional squabble here and there but no more silent weeks of not speaking. He is trying. Some days more than others but overall, he makes the effort. That makes all the difference.

    But my biggest message is that it IS possible to quit PMO cold turkey and not relapse. He is living proof!

    I don't visit nofap much anymore because I get stressed out reading the suffering of the SO's and the mysoginistic ramblings of men who are full of opinions but haven't really completed a brain detox. The ones who still THINK like addicts make me really angry. And when I mouth off at them, it stresses my husband out, who IS super active on here still. And then, for hours after I read their ignorant, selfish words, I am really upset. I know that they need to express themselves and it's all part of the recovery process....but their words transport me back to when my husband felt and spoke the same way. It's emotionally exhausting.
    Sooooo.....I don't log in very often.
     
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  17. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Boundaries don't work minus consequences.
     
  18. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    What I meant was if you need this level of boundaries can the marriage be saved for either partner.
     
  19. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    This is true. Universally true.
    True for pets, children, speed limits, you name it. Without ENFORCED consequences, a 'boundary ' is nothing more than a passive suggestion.
     
  20. Selfdiscovery

    Selfdiscovery Fapstronaut

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    Fully agree with you.Not atall justifying anything here but I think if you have time and positiveness then you should help SO'S as its an addiction and believe me unless people who do it and who are affected by this dont understand this,nothing is going to change.FPMO is not just watching any normal stuff ,in fact it has severe and gradual effect on our mind and body.its kind of humans didn't have this vast access ever.but its consequences are visible now.Hope who understands this come out and educate and formalise this in main stage for ourselves and our future generations to come.it's imp as we are part of this.
    Well my thoughts!I'm deeply affected by this past habit of mine and I badly want to eradicate this and live a peaceful and loving life.And its possible.
    Thanks & good wishes to you and [email protected]
     
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