Let's talk about Boundaries

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kenzi, Jun 23, 2017.

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  1. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @HopelessAndLonely Boundaries thread to show you what we SOs have done so you can see examples of everyones different lists to get an idea foe yourself where you might want to start
     
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  2. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    Some good links to articles about boundaries. Boundaries are for a person's personal safety. They are not for control of anyone. They also are NOT needs or requests (needs and requests are fair and important, but they aren't boundaries). One thing which isn't "ok" in a couple's relationship is a demand.

    No one can control another person. Vicki Tidwell Palmer wrote a book _Moving Beyond Betrayal_ and it's very helpful with establishing healthy boundaries.

    https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/boundaries-101/

    https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/5-best-kept-secrets-boundaries/

    This one is the best one (IMHO):
    https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/non-negotiable-boundaries/

    Example of two of my boundaries -

    If you have a "slip" with porn, you must tell me within 24 hours. (This is about honesty and commitment to our relationship.)

    Non-negotibale boundary - If you have any sexual activity with another person, I will leave the marriage.

    Examples of some of my requests -

    Regular recovery work and attendance in group.
    Weekly recovery check-ins.
    Daily "FANOS-type" communication.
    Support in my healing process.

    A recent request I made was that my husband completes a formal therapeutic disclosure (FTD) so I know the truth and can make sense of the past 25 years. It will also allow me to be on a "level knowing field" and it will give him the chance to become totally clean, honest, and start fresh. FTD allows the spouse/partner to make informed decisions based on the truth.
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  4. AGenuineLover

    AGenuineLover Fapstronaut

    I am not good at contributing to this community - or socially in general - and I know that I should on this site, but just usually end up dipping in to various threads, and they're often heart-breaking, and deep...

    But dang, I mean [email protected]#k*~g hell this thread is deep and deeply heart-breaking.
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @Rachie have you read this thread yet?
     
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  6. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I have not, but I will now.
     
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  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    @Kenzi said I should post my response here for the thread: Separating The Addict From My Husband

    ----- direct link -----

    I know and not everyone is the same. For instance, I only have four boundaries for his recovery: 1) He remains an open book/honest and lets me check what I want when I feel like it. 2) We have check in's/he's accountable to me 3) He deletes all apps that were used for PM as they could trigger him and 4) He no longer can take his phone into the bathroom, because it can trigger me.

    I have not cut him off from Wi-Fi use, his Smart Phone, PC etc., not because I suddenly trust him but because I don't want to feel like I am mothering him. He knows the risks of being caught again and in order for me to see that he is taking this recovery seriously, I need to see he can exhibit self-control and should he feel an urge, he will have the balls, to be honest with me about it. I don't want to cut him off for recovery, then when he is "recovered" and gains some access back, he'll be like a kid in a candy store lol.

    I'm on my final journey with him, call me weak or whatever but if he goes back to "the addict" aka lies again, I'm gone.
     
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  8. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    My boundaries are pretty lax, I feel. But realistic and livable .
    We have an understanding that I can access any of his internet history or social media accounts at any time.
    Since what we are really dealing with is a minor relapse, I try not to invade his privacy. I dont want to be his mother and check up on everything he does.
    Last night he talked candidly about how he sometimes scrolls through photos on FB. This made me uncomfortable as I've never considered that he might be fantasizing about women on FB. He said it wasnt really like that, but I still asked for his FB password. He gave it immediately and I accessed his page quickly as not to give him a chance to change anything. I just quickly scrolled through his messages, all innocent.
    He knows that it's going to be a red flag if I randomly go through his internet history and see spotty history.
    I know there might be relapses but there is one aspect of his past addiction that will make me leave, no questions asked.
    It's online chat. Sexual. If I catch this, or find out it's happening, the relationship is over.
    Hes been very honest and transparent without fighting it.
    I still want him to keep his dignity and personal human rights in tact, but he knows the trust is bent slightly and that at times I may want to check on things
     
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  9. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    I think you and I see this all very similarly. I posted my response before seeing yours. Haha.
     
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  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Yes, I see that! aha :):D
     
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  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Clearly you didn't read what I wrote... Or some of the beginning posts....
    My counter is my own.

    And I'm a SO
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Also, nothing positive can come about from adding a third secret party into any relationship where it's been contracted between only two.
    Whether business or domestic.
    It never ends well.
    Amends must be made if the contract is to continue.
     
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  13. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    100% agree with this. With my BF, I dont expect perfection. Progress, recovery, and success in general is NEVER linear. My boundaries aren't exactly a list of rules and regulations. All I ask is that hes honest and open with me regarding his progress, thoughts, fears, and issues. And if he gives me reason not to trust him, there are steps we take for that.
    So far this is working great. Hes been so transparent. I know there will be setbacks and those are on a case by case basis.
    There is only ONE thing that, if he goes back to it, I will end the relationship. It's a boundary I'm not willing to budge on. He agrees its a boundary he is not willing to cross or even come near. I wont divulge details here,but if you knew what it was you would understand.
    I agree with this to some extent as well. I dont feel necessarily entitled to his information and passworlds. I still respect him as a human being and dont want our relationship to turn into me checking his every move. That's just not healthy, at least not for us. We are a couple and we are a unit, but we are still separate people. But as for expecting his full disclosure and not being willing to give mine...
    I tell him everything. I even told him I dont care if he reads my journal here. I have not asked for his username here because I want him to journal and use nofap as HIS tool for recovery and not tailor his posts knowing I am reading it. But we have an understanding that anything "big" needs to be discussed.
    But in the end... HE is the one who created a trust issue. So yes, if I am made to think there is some red flags being raised, he shouldn't have an issue giving me access to his social media accounts. I asked for one, he gave it without hesitation. I guess if he really wanted mine, I wouldn't hesitate either. But he doesn't have a reason to look into my online activity.



    Again, I agree. But in some cases (like mine) I feel its reasonable to have ONE boundary that cant be crossed.

    I SO SO SO AGREE !!!! There is NO reason to humiliate someone you claim to love. I shared my BFs issue with one trusted friend(20+ years) because he has a history of addiction himself. I did this because i needed someone to discuss my fears with besides my boyfriend that wouldn't get defensive. My BF knows this friend knows everything and was not upset with me for sharing. But of course I wasnt coming from a place of "guess what this loser did!!", but really a place of "I love him. How do we deal with this together ?"
    My intention is not to control my BF. I want us to have a mutual respect and understanding. I will do everything I can to help him to get better. I will do nothing to help him stay in active addiction.
     
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  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  15. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Oh I clearly missed something... if the relationship is over...her rights to access are also over. That doesn't make any sense at all.
     
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  16. Boundaries:

    It's better to be sympathetic than empathetic. Empathy is a great way to blur the therapist/client relationship.
    Always obtain informed consent.
    Always practice proper draping.
    Avoid dual relationships.
    Practice social media boundaries.
    Physical boundaries are fluid, until they are broken.
    Attempt to avoid transference and counter-transference of emotions.
    Remain grounded.

    Oh wait, wrong page.
     
  17. MindfulAchilles

    MindfulAchilles Fapstronaut

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    I haven’t been active in a long while. But I’m happy to have stumbled upon @GhostWriter and his reflections. I think it’s bold and honest. It’s brave and not very popular. (I hope I’m not inflicting pain upon SOs when agreeing with this)

    Where I’m at with my recovery I feel like there was a need for me to read this. There is a part of recovery I’ve started processing lately where I also need to understand and forgive the anger and betrayal experienced through my ex-SO’s actions. She was very right in seeking help and support from others that adviced on how to act, but many of her actions were inexcusable and malicious, done with the intention of hurting. I know that the reaction is a result of actions from my part, but there is a point in which we all must ask if there’s really care and respect behind them. I’ve sided with everything and anything since my relationship with her came crumbling down, thinking that it was all part of what I had coming. Months after, I’m able to see how her hurt was experienced out of behaviors I had a hard time controlling. My pain was the result of behaviors she was fully behind. Purposefully behind.

    I wish to hear from SOs if they have thoughts on this based on their experience. I honestly do not seek to make this into a contest of pain or shifting the blame. I think that betrayal is horrible, and I do consider my past behavior as such. I’m willing to read and learn from you, because I feel like this is something that will have to come up in future relationships to protect my partner and myself from turning to abuse as a defense mechanism if betrayal is experienced from any of us.
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome back, friend!
    I, after rebooting for two years post Dday with my SO am now separated.
    He withheld something we could have worked on originally but because he continued to lie and not disclose, it became a unbearable weight on our relationship....
    We had mutual boundaries and even I quit porn (when we had originally porn within the relationship - I have several journals on this)
    I think that boundaries to bring back a relationship stability is one thing, a boundary out of malicious is quite another energy entirely. I do believe that when a crime is is done in a relationship that a debt has to be repaid so the boundaries should evolve. However that doesn't mean that they should not come from a mutual place of love and respect from both parties. And it should never be one person enslaving another person however the fact is is one person over took something out of the relationship and if they want to continue the relationship extra effort has to be put back for the relationship to be restored to what it was, which is... symmetry. Love. Equality.
    Failure to do this, in itself and trying to continue the relationship is also abuse... In my opinion
     
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Essentially, boundaries and consequences are like a bank.
    If you over draw your credit....
    You declare bankruptcy.
    In attempting to recorrect your account.
    Before they repossess all your shit and throw you in jail for continuing to fraud the system.
    (not really what happens.... But it makes a example everyone can understand if they watch movies)
     
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

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