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Let's try this again, shall we...?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by TheNewDawn106, Jan 28, 2018.

  1. TheNewDawn106

    TheNewDawn106 Fapstronaut

    Well....I'm back, 4 days after I started this whole mess.

    First of all, I want to express my sincerest apologies to anyone I upset with my comment encouraging others to give up. It was insensitive, hurtful, unproductive, and dramatic. I understand that some of you on this forum have been sober for hundreds of days, and others are on or restarting their first day like me. We're all on different paths in life to freedom from PMO, and I respect you all for staying diligent and strong through your moments of triumph and weakness. My longest runs were 37 days last winter and 66 days in fall of 2017, before my latest relapse that has lead me spiraling out of control.

    A few of you mentioned that the only way I could change my behavior was by hitting what we call "Rock Bottom", and I was hellbent on getting myself there. I reached new lows in my material and crossed lines I swore I would never cross...My family doesn't know about this latest relapse and it's terrifying for me to think of the ramifications and consequences I would face if they were to find out. Last weekend I PMO'd probably 6 or 7 times in the span of 36 hours...I honestly lost count and only stopped because my body started to hurt from the pain. I had no regard for my family, my friends, or my job while doing all this. It's safe to say that 2018 has been the worst start to a year for me in record history...and it is my fault. I made these choices, so I have to own up.

    To anyone on here who told me to stop being a sissy and to man up, you are EXACTLY right. To those who said I'm too hard on myself, you are exactly right. To the person who said "you only give up when you quit", know that my gym trainer and life coach said those same words to me on one of my darker days, so your accuracy is terrifying. For an anonymous internet forum, many of you have my character completely figured out. I am an impatient perfectionist with a serious flare for dramatics whether things go my way or not. I'm very success-driven, and ambitious to a fault. All of my traits do not bode well for me in my arts-oriented career I've had for the last five years. I'm not looking to quit this job, I want to make it to the top here. But watching my friends succeed over me while I get benched for reasons I don't know has been infuriating, aggravating, humiliating, and depressing. Everyday I'm torn between being happy for my friends and simultaneously hating their guts for their successes. I've never been a jealous person until this year and I despise feeling this way. To quote (of all people) Kylo Ren lol, "I feel like I'm being torn apart." Funny enough, like Star Wars, I find there really is light and darkness in each of us. It's like a battle between two wolves inside of us throughout our whole lives, and the victorious wolf is the one we feed (this isn't my direct metaphor, I believe it's an aboriginal people proverb...) My favorite quotes on this forum are from those who understand that not success in life comes from instant gratification or praise. Patience is key in all parts of life, and I need some serious lessons on how to apply it to myself.

    To wrap this up, this is me saying Sorry, Thank You, and Happy Sunday to everyone who chimed in on this post. I promise I wasn't looking for attention for vanity's sake. I am currently 3 days into no P and 13 hours into no M and O. I'll do my best to keep posting about my struggles and daily experiences, whilst reading up on all of yours as well.

    Thank you all again for helping me get back on track,

    Iceman320 and Dragon Silver like this.
  2. I have had those moments in life. You, are a strong individual for giving it another go. It to me shows true self control. You have my respect, I hope to see you post in with victory and joy, good luck!
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2018

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