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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Nov 11, 2018.
I know you already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Your God is never going to give you anything you cannot handle. AND...What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. You have really developed into the strong resilient confident woman I don't think you even knew you had in you. Ride the holiday storm through, and utilize the "winter is coming" to prepare for Spring (as one other individual mentioned).
her soul was too
deep to explore
by those who
always swam in
the shallow end.
Your husband's sex addiction kept him in the shallow end, unable to see the depths of your soul. How unfortunate for him.
8 years ago today, you and him were on the road to celebrate New Years with friends in another state. You didn't know, but the entire drive you were sitting right next to the diamond he would give you that night when he asked you to marry him.
You accepted the proposal thinking you had won the lottery; this gorgeous, intelligent, sweet man wanted you!
It was only a mask; underneath, a different man existed. A man who only swam in the shallow end.
Tomorrow, you start with a blank book. One chapter will inevitably include your mother's death.
But, there won't be a single chapter that includes soul sucking leaches.
True life: I'm being stalked by a predator or predators, not entirely sure yet.
Controlling behavior has no space in my life anymore, nor do soul sucking leaches, so here I am, not letting the predator(s) scare me back into the hellhole I was in when I was married by staying silent.
Be safe with forethought this year.
Reminds me of bits of “The Fountainhead”, I’d heard about?
by a critic
what the architect thought
about him, he noted,
The high road sounds great.
Fresh out of fucks to write lately. Which infuriates me, because I have so much to write about. I guess they call this writer's block? It sucks. I can't even do art.
I'm so over winter. I need something other than barren landscape & grey.
I hate grey.
Cheer up. It cant rain all the time.
I feel like I'm in quicksand & there's nobody to help. Nobody understands. Mutual friends are disappearing. I don't blame them; I sure as fuck would dip out on the mess sex addiction/disorder/whatever this caused.
I hate the bottom of these cycles.
I just want 1 day my eyes don't resemble Niagra Falls.
It'll pass....always does
& when it does, I am even stronger than before, which helps when the next cycle comes.
Hugs definitely help
You're the best, Thor.
Just a song I listen to when I feel down.
You find the most clarity on the nights you're collapsed on the floor, weeping into your hands. The cathartic release summons your inner therapist & thus begins the sorting out of shit in your head. Last night's inner dialog finally made it clear to you why you feel so stuck right now; forgiveness.
the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
Such a simple definition for a word that is holding up your healing. Your rational self knows it will be impossible for you to ever move on if you do not forgive. You were raised and are raising your children to understand that God forgives us, therefore, we should forgive each other. So why is it so hard for you, Cake??? You have two very solid reasons to just bypass all of the shitty resentment you feel but you just can't do it.
You seem to think that if you forgive him it would mean that you are accepting the horrid things that happened to you, like you condoned the behaviors & actions. You also recognize that you are letting the raw pain from this affect your perception of him, which makes you want to give him the finger instead of forgiving him. You get physical reactions just hearing his name; you tense up, knot in stomach, lump in throat. Because of this, you avoid thinking about him & communicating with him. There's also the fact that you still, almost 7 months later, have absolutely no idea the extent of everything. How does one forgive something they know nothing about? You are finding lots of things on your own that most likely will never be acknowledged by him; how do you forgive someone that hides?
You are far enough in your personal growth, that you understand you only have control of you. You can't force somebody to apologize or show remorse.
Once you figure out all of the hurt inside, maybe forgiveness will be an easy thing to do....
What a tough mountain this is. However, you'd climb it over and over again if you had to. You have transformed through the pain into something you never thought possible & you will never again let anybody make you feel as worthless and shitty as he did.
There’s a difference between forgiving and letting go of resentment.
One is for them the other is for you.
Makes perfect sense.
I need to focus on letting go of the resentment.
I'm overflowing with hate towards him & I can't let go of feeling like I deserve an explanation/apology.
Wonderful post Cake. I can't imagine a better approach to processing all of this. I do hope you are also able to forgive yourself for getting involved with him and all of the implications of that.
I forgive myself for not following my intuition.
I'm not sure if I need to forgive myself for getting involved with him. How could I have possibly known this was going to be the outcome?
If anything, I'm struggling to forgive myself for staying.