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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Oct 8, 2018.
Thanks! Will do.
"Chronic disconnection … is the primary source of human suffering."
My intuition tells me you know this; the addict in you doesn't.
You hate when I call you an "addict". To not call you that, would be to enable you. I need my children to have a father they deserve; that is my priority, therefore I will not adhere to "tiptoeing" around the obvious dysfunction you being an addict has caused in our family.
One does not choose to let fatherless daughters on a computer screen (porn stars/etc) take over their life willingly. There is something traumatic that happened to you that made you not want to deal with the hard shit. This means, gasp, you must be human.
Not to compare, but, reality is: I have concurring, totally random unasked for, very traumatic events that have happened to me in the span of 7-8 months. I believe, that I am dealing with the hardest of shits to be had. Coinciding traumatic events, raising toddler twins, being made to feel like the antichrist, while also consistantly trying to grow, everyday is exhausting. With all that going on around me, I have remained as centered as a traumatized person can, not once succumbing to the perils of depression. I am resilient & it's ridiculous. I'm tired of being the strong one.
I've been to focused on "fixing the problem", that I forgot that addiction can get pretty cray, randomly, even during sobriety. You are an addict & your drug of choice was PMO. It's side effects included, but not limited to: emotional withdrawal, intimacy issues, deceiving those you love, feeling isolated, like the world is against you. You took that drug for the 1st time at 15. This pity party has come to a close.
I know you didn't ask for this, but coddling an addict is just adding gas to the fire. I still will not be monitoring you, initiating convos, or giving two flying fucks when the addict in you puts himself first instead of me, & subsequently, the kids.I will kindly say, "I am unable to manage the disappointment right now", do a little twirl, & sashay away. Definitely will say the first part, but as I build courage, my sashay might look more like someone getting burned alive is saying it.
I promised my therapist another month of trying and she didn't agree with me. She asked me to trust her & give you until July, which would make it a full year since dday. I didn't agree with her. You know how stubborn I am. She told me straight up, "girl. You are going through some shit right now & your husband is an addict. Addicts are hell to live with. If you've told him your needs & he's still not trying, you'll have to "dumb it down for him"." I asked her how; like do I treat you like a child learning a new skill? Unfortunately, she said yes.
So, I am to request only 1 need per week be met. This is going to be stupid hard.
Thank you for respecting my desire to look at changing your recovery path, as it's been detrimental to my psyche, imo. That was a good bit of faith you put in me & I really do appreciate it. May the waters start getting calmer, for the both of us.
Is he reading these?
The worst fate of all. Anything but that.
Not a clue.
We don't communicate well, obviously, lolol. Writing this way helps me release my *valid* frustrations, in a safe way. I can be irrational, feel validated, & speak my truth only in this journal.
dear husband, this is what raw betrayal is. maybe someday we can talk about all these things I'm writing because clearly you're in no frame of mind to process right now. I get it; you're an addict.
There will be a day he's fully ready to commit to recovery & these will be here when he can handle the emotions that come with reading this stuff (if he's not already reading).
Embrace your being, flaws & all. Hardest lesson in life, imo. Loving yourself
Ah yes, love yourself. I’m struggling with this concept. I struggle how you write what you write above, then tell him to love himself.
Actually, as I type, maybe I do get a glimmer...
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
Tough love isn't fun for anyone. Neither is enabling. Only he can realize once he lets go of whatever pain he has, will he be able to love himself. I can't guide him "gently" as a betrayed spouse. I did it that way for almost a decade. See where it's gotten me?
Same ! Almost 2 decades . Mrs nice guy clearly doesn’t work in regards to porn addiction
I had to make my therapist repeat that she was telling me "hell yes it's OK to be an asshole to him". I kept coming up with reasons not to treat him like a petulant child, because I genuinely don't like doing that. She let me walk myself through my reasons of being a loving wife instead of Satan. All of my reasons ended with outcomes that resembled my "old husband" & I realized that me being kind is not helping. My husband takes advantage of my kindness & it gets us here.
I knew I'd regret not being an absolute biznatch in life; I was always amazed by those people that had no problem giving you their opinion & held others accountable. I have to learn how to find kahunas, I guess...or, I could just remember that I'm enabling by "gently guiding" him.
*video might trigger; attractive females & some skin
Lana wrote a song for you using the word heroin instead of porn. Same difference, right?
The couples in the video remind me of our dating days & most of our engagement, while the girls very much resemble my spirit as of lately.. It was 3-4 months before our wedding, that the light switched off & we lost all connection. My therapist asked me why I thought things changed at that time. I sat & thought for a minute & then it hit; you were terrified of all of the "closeness" that marriage was about to bring. You freaked the hell out & dive bombed into your addiction, while I was trying to figure out wth was going on. That set the precedent. So, I can now confirm you did love me. My reality has been distorted, so it was nice to recognize that yes, we were once very much in love, open, & connected... you just got scared. I get it. Let's fix that, k?
This is very true. Addicts will do this. Kindness is an interesting word. You could have used understanding, patience, naivete, trust. Why kindness?
This is interesting too. Was it commitment or closeness? How would being married make you closer? Just curious, my questions aren't meant as attacks.
You know I'm an open book
Kindness; because it encompasses the understanding, patience, trust & all of those things that are expected of the human race, no?
I mean, I can kindly tell someone not to do something in a Pollyanna sort-of way or I can kindly tell someone not to do something in a firm, rational, & scary way as well.
Kind is a big word. I never thought of it that way.
Commitment vs closeness; deep Max, deep. To be close can be either superficial/physical &/or knowing someone's inner soul as well as your own. I can be close to my phone; I can be close to my mother on a deeper, intuitive level; I can think I'm close to something but I was going the wrong way.....
Close is a big word, too.
I'm sure commitment is, too.
#thxmaxfischer now I'm about to go re-evaluate everything I've ever thought
You know I kid; you really have made me ponder things & verbiage....always learning & growing.
Kindness is a wonderful word and a wonderful thing. I think it speaks more deeply to character and the substance of a person. I think that sentence could have read "my husband takes advantage of me...". You see kindness as the word that most describes your presence in the situation. It sums up you. You are kind. He took advantage of you.
This is why humans are important to each other; perspective.
Thank you Max
There is one thing I cannot make sense of; how it was so easy for you to abstain & continue abstaining from PMO, while your only support has been some random therapist you see 1x a week. If you're not abstaining, well, read anyways.
Professor of neuroscience & psychologist Jim Pfaus said the following regarding sex/porn addiction not being a real thing:
Here’s why: addicts withdraw. When you lock a dope fiend in a room without any dope, the lack of drugs will cause an immediate physiological response — some of which is visible, some of which we can only track from within the body. During withdrawal, the brains of addicts create junctions between nerve cells containing the neurotransmitter GABA. This process more or less inhibits the brain systems usually excited by drug-related cues — something we never see in the brains of so-called sex and porn addicts. A sex addict without sex is much more like a teenager without their smartphone.
What else could be true of your behaviors & ease of abstinance if sex addiction isn't a clinical disorder? Is being "out of control" an all-embracing symptom of addiction? Do brain science & neuroscience relate to sexual science?
Sex addiction & the sex addiction recovery model can be defined as the compulsive participation or engagement in sexual activity, despite negative consequences. If this true, what negative consequences could you possibly have been consciously aware of in your "binges"?
Why can I not stop thinking there's something off here? Is it possible we're wasting all of this $ & time on an unrecognized addiction?
So, here I am. Back at square 1...except this time I'm a little more prepared thanks to really amazing humans.
I can't do forks in the road right now, so what do I do; I make forks in the road. Why do I have to be a "why" person?
Continuing thoughts from last night's journal...
What if your sex addiction came second to a primary intimacy anorexia addiction?
At 15, instead of developing what "we" think is a sex addiction, you actually learned intimacy anorexia behavior first, and the sex addiction came second.
By your therapist thinking & preaching sex addiction as your primary problem, she has failed to recognize, that by not assessing the entire situation (one-on-ones w/ me; open to my feedback; acknowledge my concerns, basically, more than just your words) that this has had devastating consequences for us & our children. She is causing problems (hoping to make that $), & this is absolutely not the way a dignified CSAT should work. I know it's hard to hear you have a minor brain glitch, but dude; it's fixable. You deserve a great life & are capable.
My mission is to find a therapist that will do their damn job & quit making traumatized spouses do all the leg work. I shouldn't have had to spend my time doing this quack's work. I mean, I can, but ffs, I want paid, too.
This is good and true. Maybe tell him they are "unhandled exceptions" to use some programming lingo. If he could start logging his errors to a database for review it will help in troubleshooting these "glitches". You and his therapist could become a good development team creating a more stable platform.
How have you been?