Letters to my husband

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    I've been slacking in my journaling.

    My thoughts are so discombobulated because of all the fucked up shit the Holy man thinks I'm strong enough to handle.

    Dec 6-8 will be our ultimate test.

    I'll be studying. Will you?

    You've made efforts in the past 72 hours. Small, but not overlooked. Do not take my appreciation for granted.

    I think you are figuring this out.

    I can't imagine being married to someone like me....
    I would give anyone the shirt off of my back if they needed it, but I can also shut a person out with no second thought. Like a light switch.
    I'll work on this; no guarantees. I'm almost positive it's just who I am.

    I do love you. Why do you think I stay?

    You never leave a man behind, right? You will not fail on my watch.

  2. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    30 days until intensive.
    Bite my tongue, bide my time

    You are supposed to start attending 2 SA meetings a week & find an AP; ha. I'll believe it when I see it.
    I think I'm more concerned that a polygraph is included. That makes me pretty nervous because neither one of us can stick our heads in the sand with a polygraph. I'm in for some shit, I think....which means I'm going to have to deal with some shit.

    Does anybody know where I can find energy reserves to dip into? SOS.

  3. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    Running out of nice things to say or do. I really fucking hate you.

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  4. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Melancholy. Numb. Dumbfounded. Craving touch. Humor. Connection. Flight. Comfort. Strength. Anger. Sorrow.

    Things a betrayed wife goes through. For me it's almost hourly, but that's because my husband is only sober, not in recovery.

  5. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

    I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you find some positive progress soon, however that may look

    I’m always questioning myself as to whether I am in recovery or merely sober. What’s the difference to you? I might have 3 different counsellors, a billion books and be interacting with people (incl. my wife) in ways I never have before, but old thoughts still creep in and I’m paranoid I’m not doing enough
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  6. Yes. What do this mean? It's a very deep concept. It jumped out at me instantly.

    Wow. I've felt this. I try not to create checklists to know if I'm hitting every angle but maybe I should. How do you know when enough is enough?
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  7. clarity&me

    clarity&me Fapstronaut

    Tough shit to deal with. I read your letters and see some of my own trials and tribulations in them. It just seems like we do all the changing and make the sacrifices and they do the minimum just to keep us at Bay. Not easy. So when do we say enough is enough and move on?
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Hey bud :)
    Recovery.......it's complicated.
    Sex addiction is different; sex is a human need (some will argue this w/good points), so one can't abstain indefinitely. The sex addict takes on an enormous amount of shit to understand, stop, relearn, etc. Sex addiction is by far the hardest to beat (I think). Sure, all addicts have hurt people in their lives, but a sex addict causes the most intense pain imaginable to their partner, because they inflicted the ultimate betrayals to a human; broken trust & sex outside of the marriage (porn is still have sex outside of the marriage, it's just alone).
    Sex addicts have to stop the bad behavior, figure out why the behavior started, learn everything they can about healthy intimacy, learn how to have a healthy sex life, get scared of relapse when you do have sex, yada yada. Seriously, I feel for you guys.
    An alcoholic abstains from alcohol, does some therapy, works their program & lives happily ever after. They don't "re-learn" how to be a healthy drinker; they just don't drink anymore because it's not a necessity.
    So. Recovery......
    Because sex addiction is so new & carries a stigma of shame, I think it's paramount in sexual addiction to have a group of peers going through/have gone through this addiction to talk with. Having someone that knows what you're going through can be so comforting. Actively going to recovery groups, talking on forums like this, etc., are what I would call being in recovery.
    Sex addiction recovery would entail actively going to therapy; individual & couples. If money is tight & therapy isn't an option, there are lots of online sex addiction recovery programs for free. Therapy should be done at least 1x a week & online programs should be worked daily.
    Recovery would be actively & consistantly trying to rectify the behaviors the addiction has taught you. Most of a sex addicts behaviors are those of an intimacy anorexic; all of those things start changing positively if you're in recovery.
    Recovery is having patience with your wife as she trys to pick up the pieces, not continuing to blame her.

    Anywho, recovery is tough. Look up "dry drunk"; it's the alcoholic version of someone that's sober but not actively working recovery.

    Hope that helped :)
  9. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    just living with a man-child. friggin exhausting
  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    When we decide our self-worth is our priority instead of saving a person who doesn't want saved....
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  11. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    In a month I will get the opportunity to go through every single thing you've done to me or made me feel, & you won't be able to run. The therapist requested we be prepared & start doing our homework, so I've been diligently working on my 'fuck your feelings, it's my turn' list. I was shocked when the therapist suggested your disclosure & my list should be between 10-20 pgs, typed, on average. I did not think that was humanly possible. There was no way I had 10-20 typed pages worth of feels to talk about.
    Turns out, I do. I've spent all day working on transporting myself back to the first time I found something & the days, months, years after. ALL DAY, & I've only made it from the 1st red flag to the night of our wedding, a span of 1 1/2 years.

    It's weird....I can remember events from 7 years ago down to conversations we had & then, I just go blank. I can't recall a good or bad event from years 2-4 of marriage. I cannot recall a goddamn thing from those years. I'm sure this is normal & they'll come with time....

    Just know this: you couldn't have picked a better victim. How full of life was I?! A free spirit that loved the hell out of anything & everything. I gave with my whole heart, not just to you, but everybody. I really, really loved myself; body, mind, & spirit. You called me your 'little hippie'.
    Fuck outta here that I was part of the problem. You are so jealous of me, it's sad. You are one of those miserable shits that wants to drag everyone else down, too.

    Fuck you. I refuse to feel bad for giving you some hard truth.
    You took my self-love for granted.
    Did you honestly think a girl as strong-willed as I, would ever let you completely kill my soul?

    That's where you fucked up. Underestimated my will

    Yeeeeeee; this is gonna be INTENSE.

  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Forgot my sad ass sappy awesome music vid.

  13. Here's an angry punk song too. Sometimes it helps to stomp around the room and punch the air. I hang a Minor Threat poster in my office at work to remind me to let out my anger sometimes.

  14. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Thx Max.....
    The Cure is about as punk as I get..
    Never understood the screaming.
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  15. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Here's my stomp around the room & fuck the world kind of music. Give it a chance, max.
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  16. Maynard owns a winery in Arizona.
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  17. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I've been forming my escape to his cellar for years.
    He will literally shoot a mofo though sooooo, think the wounded wife appearance will grant me immediate entry & a straw in a barrel?
    Visiting is on my bucket list
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  18. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I feel like you'd like the Puscifer side of Maynard

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  19. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    It's one of those days, friends.

    I sit alone, on our guest room bed. Windows open, nice fall breeze coming in. I'm hoping it carries me right out of the window, into the darkness. Maybe take me to Strength&award-winning writerLight's & Madmax's lunar ladder. Before me, I have my mother's PET scan & beside it, a list of wretched behavior & things my husband has done to me.
    Cancer & Addiction.
    Physical death & Mental death.
    I can't save either.

    What in the actual fuck is my life?

    Going to find that strong girl in the mirror. I really think I'm hallucinating .......
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  20. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Sorry not sorry for the random, late night trauma nonsense. #thanksobama

    Some say the end is near.
    Some say we'll see Armageddon soon.
    Certainly hope we will.
    I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three-ring circus sideshow of freaks.

    Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call L.A.
    The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
    Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
    Learn to swim, see you down in Arizona Bay.

    Fret for your figure
    And fret for your latte
    And fret for your lawsuit
    And fret for your hairpiece
    And fret for your Prozac
    And fret for your pilot
    And fret for your contract
    And fret for your car.

    It's a bullshit three-ring circus sideshow of freaks.

    Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call L.A.
    The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
    Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
    Learn to swim, see you down in Arizona Bay.

    Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
    Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
    Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still.
    Followed by millions of dumbfounded dip shits.

    And some say the end is near.
    Some say we'll see Armageddon soon.
    Certainly hope we will
    I sure could use a vacation from this stupid shit, silly shit, stupid shit.

    One great big festering neon distraction,
    I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

    Learn to swim.
    Learn to swim.
    Learn to swim.

    Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
    Mom's comin' 'round to put it back the way it ought to be.

    Learn to swim.

    Fuck L Ron Hubbard
    And fuck all his clones.
    Fuck all these gun-toting
    Hip gangster wannabes.

    Learn to swim.

    Fuck retro anything.
    Fuck your tattoos.
    Fuck all you junkies
    And fuck your short memory.

    Learn to swim.

    Fuck smiley glad-hands
    With hidden agendas.
    Fuck these dysfunctional
    Insecure actresses.

    Learn to swim.

    'Cause I'm praying for rain
    I'm praying for tidal waves
    I wanna see the ground give way.
    I wanna watch it all go down.

    Mom, please flush it all away.
    I wanna see it go right in and down.
    I wanna watch it go right in.
    Watch you flush it all away.

    Time to bring it down again.
    Don't just call me pessimist.
    Try and read between the lines.
    And I can't imagine why you wouldn't welcome any change, my friend.

    I wanna see it all come down.
    Bring it down
    Suck it down.
    Flush it down.

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