Letting Go and Moving On (PMO)

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by JL94, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Well complete reboot now again... relapsed three times...

    It was when I layed to bed that the habit came back and I was alone. That it's okay to masturbate, watch porn and all that. Also I had this motivational quotes paper sticking to the computer that became unstuck today. It triggered me a little and the fact that I have had sex with my girlfriend and O'd.

    This is really difficult, I think I'm going to try and go easy on me and try to abstain from P and M at the moment. And not be to hard on myself if I fail cause I give myself so much guilt if I fail like I don't accept being human at all and having flaws.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
  2. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed twice today, it started with a pop-up window of pornographic images that I wasn't ready for, then I talked about masturbation with my girlfriend which was great but I talked too much about it which triggered me. But I didn't do it then, no, no, no it's the bed. I layed myself in bed and all of it pretty much started there. So I need to remind myself to not have my computer in the bed and sit on the couch instead.

    The first masturbation didn't feel great at all, I mean it can feel great to release the tension but this time it felt okay. The second one felt way better, I will have to fight harder and make it a no choice soon enough. I guess I'm on my way forward. I'm getting better and better at this, knowing my strengths and weaknesses as well as limits (why I'm doing P and M abstaining at the moment). To me this is the hardest thing to quit so obviously failure along the way is expected but I believe it will get much better as I progress.

    I need to understand that masturbation is no longer a choice for me and neither is porn. It might be out there but that doesn't mean I consume it. I do other things, I live my life, handle my problems, and don't run away. I'm prioritizing myself. That's a hard thing to say and achieve but that is what I'm truly aiming for and that is hard but I do really love myself and deep in my heart I believe that I deserve better than this, and people all around the world deserve better than this, no one should go through working in a business environment such as degrading as pornography.

    We all deserve better. I truly believe that which is why I really want to quit it for good and masturbation for the sake of well being and replacing that with better habits.
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2019
  3. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed again tonight, didn't feel too good. I'm on my way just took a little longer than expected, I couldn't sleep tonight. I was bothered over and over again and that triggered me which made first go to youtube and then yeah porn. I'm working on this and I still believe I deserve better.
     
  4. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Today I relapsed, I tried my hardest to not watch pornography, I got triggered and started watching IG and then Youtube and just as I was about to continue into the video, I get a suggestion about a doctor called Sam something talks about the negative effects of masturbation. I really wanted to masturbate but after that I knew that I couldn't do it to a video which then would become porn, so instead I read a sexual story. Which to me is a strong improvement, STRONG. Because the decision to watch porn from YT is easy or IG to YT but the leap from IG to YT to Porn is hugeeee especially to porn. And the leap from IG, YT to sexual story is hugeeeee. Yet just of a click button such power from a small decision.

    The point is yes I relapsed and now on my way to improvement. I'm happy that I didn't support pornographic videos and that culture. The decision was hard to make at the moment yet somehow I succeeded. Time to move on to new beginnings. Even if I'm crawling, taking baby, baby steps. I'm still moving forward and that to me feels amazing, it feels great.
     
  5. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed twice to pornography today, I got triggered by a tv-show on Netflix. Well it doesn't matter, point is now I just felt how pointless it felt to cum. I mean I want to achieve dopamine and be happy but not through releasing my cum that just feels stupid. I think I should hold that precious liquid in for myself or releasing it for making children cause just masturbating and releasing it feels absolutely pointless unless maybe if you do it sometimes with a girl then it can be cozy sometimes.

    Damn the second time around I watched the same video, or close to it. It was not smart but I mean. Now I felt as if the urge isn't mine, it just is. Which makes the idea of masturbation perhaps not mine. I gotta watch out for that, that means I'm my own worst enemy. There ain't no way around this... It just bothers me all there is is vigilance, resilience, hard work and patience. I'll get you URGE!!!

    Anyway does anyone have tips how to release dopamine except for meditation, food or exercise, I would like to learn and know more. Because this is just getting frustrating... I don't wanna keep going back and forth with this crap. I am good as I am and I love myself as I am, I deserve better than this. Like I deserve to feel absolutely great and balanced at all times. Me Love Me Yeyyy!!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2019
  6. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Hi you guys,

    I've just relapsed completely again, twice this time. It's getting better, I try not to blame myself as much and understanding that the urge isn't me. I need to find other ways to release energy or forget about things an activity in which I move at nights when I'm over energized or can't sleep. I think walking may do or hanging out with someone. I tried to reach someone last night to hangout but he didn't answer and I didn't bother to call again because I didn't wanna hangout maybe next hangout anyways or take a walk.

    The stress of school, searching for a job, not having money is killing me, it takes on me a lot. I'm investing everything in to doing music but it also eats on my soul and well-being. The night before this I almost didn't sleep for 24 hours, I slept for three then got up and did the same thing as the day before video-editing.

    I mean and I have my exam to complete this year and other assignments and real life issues. Maybe that's what I need to do, talking about my problems instead of holding them in, like I'm doing to you right now and showing myself vulnerable and love to myself that it's okay to feel this way. Usually I hold emotions in and don't talk about the true stress of my own life because I don't wanna bother anyone or feel like I have to be strong and not say anything but maybe just maybe there is strength lots of strength in being truly vulnerable.

    P.S.

    I'm still doing no masturbation and porn for now.

    If you have tips or anything encouraging to say please comment I would love to hear your opinions.

    Thanks Internet,

    See u later yours truly,
    JL94
     
  7. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    I don't masturbate when I feel lonely or tired. Not alone but lonely. I just relapsed. I need something like that, simple and easy doesn't matter where I am, with people or alone. I just don't do it when I feel lonely, it's just not me.
     
  8. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Wow 3 weeks, it's amazing how far I've come now for me. It's hard now when I'm alone but I'm going to try and do things and think about something else. Handle life instead.
     
  9. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Relapsed twice one yesterday and one the day before yesterday, I'm abstaining longer and longer, that is great news. There are always new situations to adapt to. I think that its more and more that I have to accept my urge as it is and that it is perfectly normal and not pervert it. Pornography in my opinion is more or less perversion. The urge isn't but it is always there and it won't go away the deal is I believe now for me is to accept that and that I'm human. I will get tempted but I don't have to do anything no matter which situation that I'm in, this isn't a competition either cause I'm always good as I am.
     
  10. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    My longest streak yet, 194 days... Today I relapsed, twice... What got me was the sense of loneliness. My girlfriend left to her hometown and I just had to encounter some awful news that I might be laid of work, it got too much for me because I couldn't meet anyone and talk to someone about it. It felt like I was fighting this battle myself. The second time I'd say depended way more on that first time, it was more the sensation of fantasy and lust.

    I wouldn't say I relapsed completely, because I didn't O to pornography, it was instagram/youtube that got me. But to be honest, it was more like I gave in and I can't do that but today I felt helpless and the internet is just so damn easily accessible. Like I said before this is still not something I want to support and I stand firmly strong on that point.

    I can only learn and move on from this point because I want to keep my liquids and my energyreserves to myself and not some hypothetical women on the internet or in my fantasy.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2019
  11. TheLightOne

    TheLightOne Fapstronaut

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    nice strength bro, keep it up
     
    JL94 likes this.
  12. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much, I really appreciate your support!
     
  13. rideronastorm

    rideronastorm Fapstronaut

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    I think there is a clear connection between your addiction and loneliness. You must try to find a healthier way to cope with it. Stress is also a major trigger for just about everyone. I binged today and yesterday because, like you, I'm having problems at work (have been for a long time...). I'm trying to find a new job but it's not easy. I'm starting to lose hope and this week I started to fear I'll be stuck with a lousy, shitty, dull and underpaid job for the foreseeable future. Then it was addiction 101: depression/anxiety = PMO to try to escape from the emotional discomfort you're feeling.
     
  14. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Damn it you're so right... The emotional discomfort sucks, and what sucks even more that masturbation/porn doesn't make it better.
     
  15. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    I just relapsed today again... Today I was more curious but that curiosity wouldn't have been there if I wasn't alone or had some activity to do. Something hit me today, if I fantasize about girls and get the fantasy I'm looking for in order to finish myself off then that should also be the case with anything else I ever want to achieve in life. If I want it, it's in my mind and I just have to go and get it. Basically masturbating to porn or anything else in particular becomes pointless because I should be able to achieve any kind of fantasy I actually want in real life... I also have a girlfriend so to be honest, this relapse was more about the satisfaction than anything else is what I want to believe... What actually was, was the same case as yesterday, emotional discomfort I found at that I wasn't super appreciated at work and it was really hard continuing to do my job. I still did it but I'm happy tomorrow is the last day this week so that I can relax after that. Hopefully tomorrow I will do better. I want to do better. Now today it was Youtube and Instagram but it felt a tad worse this time I really really don't wanna be slipping into pornography...

    I need to accept that life isn't always what I except it to be when I want it to be what I want it to be... I need to take life for what it is and live in the moment and make what I can of it instead of trying to make it and becoming upset when it isn't exactly how I want it.

    Well good night fellas, I'm gonna try and get some sleep... hope for a better day tomorrow can't keep wasting my energy reserves like this I need them for myself. I know I'm worth better than this and that I can do this. My goal now is just to get through the next day.
     
  16. rideronastorm

    rideronastorm Fapstronaut

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    @JL94
    Thank you for your contribution. I'm happy that you are making progress. You've touched a very important point: acceptance. Accepting that life often doesn't go the way we want it to go, that there will always be someone who doesn't appreciate our efforts and virtues, that in spite of our willingness to achieve our goals we will not achieve all of them because some things just don't depend on us and that the world and society we live in can be an uncomfortable place, is not easy. It is very hard indeed. Alas, there is no easy way out of this lesson and we might as well try to start learning it the best we can.

    One last thing: you are not alone. You have someone who cares for you. That is more than some people who suffer from addictions can say. Also, even though we are all strangers to each other here, you also have this community and people who understand your struggles. Don't forget that.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2019 at 10:12 AM
  17. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much! I've felt quite alone when I've been writing about these issues, thank you for reminding me that I'm not the only one with issues and that we all need love and support sometimes.
     
  18. JL94

    JL94 Fapstronaut

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    Today I was edging and it was really difficult to resist the urge to masturbate but something in me just said promptly no, I kept watching a loot of IG videos, read erotic stories, YouTube but no nothing that actually made me masturbate. (But ofc with edging and watching you release a little) Everyday is a new day to win!

    I believe the reason for my edging is partly my disease that I have a cold and also the feeling of unappreciation (that i might feel from my girlfriend or I'm making it up I honestly don't know...) and the issue that I have with my current job. It's hard to deal with... but I'd ratherly deal with it like a real man than to squander away my life juice at pictures on the internet better to save it for the real thing or just save it. It's hard to be vulnerable for me. The thing with work it also left me with a sense of helplessness not knowing what to do or how to react, It was an unexpected event and I couldn't talk to the person I wanted to because that person wasn't there... So I had to deal with this by myself which got even harder for me... Since I had never encountered a situation that difficult by myself and I didn't know what to do, I think that is what drove me to relapse in the first place. BUT, I'm not helpless I can act and life will be okay as long as I continue acting towards my goals and dreams and express myself honestly.Vulnerability makes me stronger and not helpless. I think I need to accept that I have urges sometimes and that it is okay and I don't have to act on them. I don't wanna blame my issues or urges on anything I want to able to deal with life as it is and that's what I am aiming for every single day. EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY TO WIN!

    And now I've relapsed... I tried to go to sleep but it was really hard and because of the edging before I was really triggered so I just kept going until I found something I liked, still not porn however I feel like I'm through with that shit, it was just IG and YT, still not that good but better for me in any case. It could also be that I slept during the day or took a nap which also made it harder to sleep now during the evening. I also want to quit because I don't want to believe that women or girls are objects ofc anyone can be beautiful and that is okay and just fine but not an object on a picture or a video that I use like a means to an end, I believe that we humans are more than that and deserve better and are worth way better and way more than the parts on our bodies.

    I believe that what I'm currently experiencing is a lot of anxiety and stress, I need to learn how to deal with that in a healthier way. Maybe last night when I was edging I should have taken a walk as shows on netflix weren't helping me to get to sleep, or perhaps a cold shower or maybe just fun games online didn't think about that one yesterday... YES EVERYDAY IS A NEW DAY TO WIN! I can do this, I'm not controlled by my urge, I want to deal with my problems in real life and not runaway from them, I want to be a man and accept life and deal with life as it is and make as much as I can of the situation rather than giving in and letting go to the urge as it doesn't help me. I need to find other healthier ways to relax. Maybe like walks or long long showers, or perhaps a guided meditation that deals with stress and anxiety or yoga meditation for stress and anxiety during the day and if I get triggered at the night then during the night aswell, or a bedtime workout at home just before sleep aswell if I get triggered during the night. I need to deal with it by myself when I am by myself in my home that is very important to me so that I later on learn and can deal with problems and take initiative by myself and act upon issues, other addictions and problems that I may have and experience.

    P.S.

    I still completed 2 days that's great now I'm aiming for even more, I'm happy for what I have achieved and now I want to reach even longer. Now the first goal is to make it through the day. Every day is a new day to WIN!
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2019

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