Letting Go and Moving On (PMO)

Thank you for the kind words Deysonn, I need em since I just relapsed. I watched animated pornography this time doesn't feel as bad. Not gon'say it's great but okay. Like said earlier I still find it disgusting with how our internet activity is monitored and also how 2D and unrealistic that was. It's just not how I want to treat women in my future. Yet I smile, I feel like I'm on my way maybe not today but I'm on my way home. To that final freedom. Just got keep going a little further.

I don't like spending this time with my insecurities and cumming because of them. I need to accept the world as it is and not put so much effort into avoiding the beautiful reality as it is. I am great where I am right now, now is the only moment. Accepting things as they are allows me to move forward. I need to move forward that's the only direction. I'm the best version of myself today even now doesn't matter, there is no better me than the me writing, fighting and the me that always keeps going.

I believe a part of my relapse was the triggering from a pornographic event in a movie. But the biggest part is the toughness of dealing with the reality as it is. I'm working towards achieving that goal every single day. To become the best version of myself every single day. I can do this, I am going to do this, I am the best version of myself today, right now, yesterday, and the past is already passed. I can only live here and do better today to create a better future for myself and everyone else around me.

 

Well, I've just relapsed... I don't have a great reason. One could be that I was curious, this time I did it in a way I've never done before. That was quite an amazing feeling, I don't know how the come down will be. Right now I just feel super relaxed probably super high of that dopamine aswell. Look I'm not gonna pretend that I'm perfect, but I'm the best version of myself today and I need to find a way to discipline myself when I'm alone.

That way is seriously difficult to find. It's like the quote by Alexis Carrel:

“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor”

That is how I feel, all of this blame, all of my thoughts, limitations hasn't helped during my years of trying to rid this addiction. There's no actual way to rid this for me. There is nothing to accept after it's gone either. It will never pass, it's not the weather, this part of me will always exist. The only thing I can do is lessen its perversion and make that part of myself more natural. I am the best version today. It's just that I'm so used to whipping, punishing myself (just an expression) feeling embarrassed over this, so that I just don't know how to do it in any other more healthy way. I think that is why I keep falling back into this addiction. Addiction isn't a good word, it carries the word of victim to me aswell. I'm not a victim, I'm choosing to masturbate to pornography time to time and I want to stop doing that, I'm no victim for that and no one should be sorry for no one. We should just encourage each other on our process. Being sorry for one another makes us passive and we aren't passive players waiting on the bench hoping to come in into the game, we are active players taking control of the ball and looking to score. That is what I need to do take control of the ball and score. Now I'm letting my mind hold the ball, hmm how do I take the ball from my mind?

I need to make it do something else, anything else for a short period of time and live through being horny without putting a label or making a judgement on it. I need to take the ball, it's my ball not my mind's, not my ego's, it's my soul's ball.

I don't think I'm addicted, I'm just used to feeling an empty hole sometimes which I shouldn't be. Some part of me is still stuck in the past... I wish I could just fully let it go but I can't... It's probably stored subconscious somewhere.

So what's my gameplan?

Well I can't wait my addiction out, and I can't wait for things to be better. I need to act. Question is how? What is more important to me? Is it easier to feel sorry for myself and telling myself that no one understands me? Maybe it's harder to actually feel what's in the moment right there and now. Well what's done is done, I can't feel sorry for myself. What to do next? I guess not putting to much weight on it for now. That is the most important right now.

I think it's too easy to blame oneself when acting in this way, I'm not saying that this is great but I'm saying that giving this more and more meaning and blaming oneself gives this strength. I think the less one starts to shame oneself the easier it will get and the less power this lust has in the mind. It's in the mind it exists, it's not real. I am great as I am no matter what, this is just a habit. It has no power over me, it's a choice I'm making in that moment thinking that I don't have a choice. I always have a choice, and I am no victim. I give this power, power to something that isn't even tangible. It only exists in the mind. It's a natural part of oneself, being sexual. This part of myself I shouldn't blame or shame. It's just that pornography is making it extremely perverse for men, that is making it real easy to give those images and recorded videos meaning. It's not even happening at the same moment you're doing your thing. It isn't real.

This habit and the way I'm doing it is solely and only my responsibility, no one can break this habit but me and it isn't anyone's fault. I am great as I am, it's just to let this habit go completely and not give it the meaning that I know it doesn't deserve and there is nothing to move past from, nothing to forget, nothing to avoid, nothing to accept, nothing to fight, nothing to change, no one to shame or blame. It's just about being here and now every single day. It's about spending more time on activities that I love and being with people that I love more. This habit prevents me from that, taking my time and effort. That is my most valuable assets. I don't need to give those thoughts power when they come up, just let them flow away like water. They don't matter as much as I'd like to believe in that moment when it's all happening. It's because of something else, something that I except or want to be differently then it actually is. Nothing needs to be in any way, I don't need any control. The most important is balance and flow. Control in thoughts undermines actual control. There is no way and no need to control thoughts, just not give certain thoughts meaning and in that way alter perspective, change belief.

It's the same as hunger, you don't always have to eat when you're hungry and stuff yourself with food. Living like that will make one fat. There needs to be balance and order and only we ourselves can give us that discipline and respect, no one else. Sometimes it's even good to fast, this correlates with this habit very well. Hunger and food is a necessity but the way we eat is a habit, this is the same, lust is in us it's a natural human instinct a necessity but the way I approach doesn't have to be through pornography and perversion. There are many other way to express this kind of energy, meditating, resting, exercising, communicating, connecting with other people, living, daring to go outside one's comfort zone. This isn't the only way and the only interpretation. I can choose mine, you can choose yours.

The more you eat, the more perverted eating habits you get. You want more fat and more sugar even when you're full just because it's delicious. This is the same, the more masturbation the worser the habit gets. You need more and more videos, change video after video, explore your preferences and curiosity until there's nothing to explore and the natural sexual lust and curiosity has become so perverted that you start to feel ashamed of what you're actually becoming into and that this actually isn't really you. There is a disconnect in the material you're watching and who you are as a person, it feels morally wrong when all we needed to do was to connect with someone, or the society.

It's the same as saying, well I can just have a little snack or a little bit of food and that will turn into loads of food. It's harder to maintain wanting to be hungry when actually eating then it's to be just hungry and not eating. It's the same with images and videos. Just an image or just a little snippet and then it's all over cause naturally you want more and until you're full and satisfied. It's like thinking or feeling that you want to eat but you don't have to and still do it, when it's sometimes better to just not eat. It's like thinking or feeling that I want to masturbate, pretending that it is some sort of release or relief when it's actually not and it is just better to rest.

 

Well today, I relapsed by binging and watching YT. I looked through my recent notes and it helped me a little aswell as pressing the panic button. I managed not to watch pornography which makes it a bit lighter, I would've otherwise felt quite awful. It's just now when the opportunity came and I was alone, I did it. Lately, I'm feeling really stressed and I did not know how to deal with it at this moment. That is why I believe I resorted to this method today. I'm the best version of myself today and I'm proud myself, there's nothing to fight, nothing to win, no one to beat, there's just living and keep doing the best out of the situation. Love you brother just keep going. C'mon push it to the finish line. This is my responsibility, I can do it. I'm not alone, I got you guys here, I got my girlfriend, I have friends, I have things to live for. I can deal with this, I can move on and not stuff myself. That is what I mostly proud of, I didn't stuff myself with pornography and didn't spend all that much time on it all together. Now it's time to move on and keep living, no one to shame, no one to blame, just not giving that attention and change the habit. I CAN DO THIS, YES!!!

 

Today I relapsed twice, and that's okay. I'm doing better and better, I'm on my way to feeling contempt and not trying to change everything in the world. I'm more loving and more accepting as an individual. There's no reason to blame, shame, hide, fight, avoid anyone, I'm fine, I'm okay wherever I am. I'm doing my best and that's the only thing anyone can ask one to do. I'm happy with progress and I'm getting better at dealing with the world and the way things are as they are. I'm accepting and becoming more and more open-hearted even if it's hard. I'm thankful for still being alive and still being able to make a change in my life. I'm happy that I'm me. I'm okay, I'm great just the way I am.

I'm practicing, I'm becoming, it's a creative process of building myself as the best version as I can possibly be, without this I would never amount to being the greatest version of myself. I'm progressing and moving forward, still loving and working on being as contempt and satisfied as I can be in this moment that is right now. I don't have to do anything, I'm great as I am, and I'm thankful for being me exactly the way that I am. No need to give this more meaning, it's like the child that eats to much candy the child will say that it hurts in his/her stomach and then let it go. The child doesn't give the pain any valuation. This is the same to me, no need to give this habit or this action any more meaning. It happened and now it's time to move on and add this experience as another building block in building the best version of myself, the best that I can possibly be. I'm the best version of myself today and right now, right now is where it all happens. Not in the past, not in the future at this particular moment is where the inner change is happening no where else, on in the inside.

 

Thanks a lot man, thanks I really really appreciate the support. I'm going through a rough patch, my life feels upside down and I'm having a hard time dealing with problems out of my control. Instead of accepting and feeling and moving on I tend to most often do this first. Trust me, I don't want this to be my "escape" but I'm having a hard time finding what I can do instead when I feel down. It's as if when I feel down, I'm using this as some kind of rush upwards instead it gets me down even lower.

 

Well, back to day 1 again full relapse. I think that I'm going to try something easier next time just put my hand in cold and put it to my sensitive area. I've been trying to meditate it off, all kinds of things but it's been hard. I've been binging a lot this week. I'll keep meditating and keep living on my days, I'm on my own journey with your help to quit, couldn't be more thankful.

 

Back to day 1, full relapse...

 

Back to day 1, relapsed twice... The second time around it was just awful, it wasn't in line with who I want to be and who I am as a person. It wasn't what I wanted. Yet it was my decision and I'm the best version of myself today. Today I need to make a difference. I can't keep living like this, I need to accept that life will have its ups and downs. I'm not weak just because I'm asking for help. I need it we all need each other and I don't want women to grow up in such a demeaning society to them. It's just getting worse. I need to let this go for my own sake. Just letting it go, I'm not the kind of person that likes porn anymore. I'm not that person. That has to come from me, no motivation lines, no quotes, no nada, just quit for myself. To become a better person all the time little by little.

I have a hard time accepting difficulties, adjusting to the moments in life as they are. Sometimes it's easier and sometimes it's harder. I use this as a way to escape from my problems, the problem isn't in the material I'm watching it is within me. Sometimes I just want to control what is outside of me which I obviously can't, that bothers me and then I'm back. Sometimes I just hit a bump, that bothers me cause the bump shouldn't be there in the first place or it's just a bump it just bothers me that it's there. I can't go back, I can't go around it, I have to go through it. Then I want to do something that gives me an effect so that I can "gain" energy or accept it in some way and then push through the bump afterwards.

Honestly I have hit some hard times now, it's been more often for me now then it usually is. I can't see any logical way out of this as I've tried so many and no logical reasoning to quit either. There is no logic to why I act the way I act when this happens, what I've noticed is that it's whenever I feel uncomfortable in some way. Instead of dealing with that head-on firstly, I do something else and I think that's natural. Maybe I just need to find another activity to replace it with when I hit a bump that gives me an effect. Workout, meditation, walks haven't helped, haven't tried chocolate maybe that it will ease my nerves.

I don't know of a better way to not think of my problems, bumps when I hit them than doing this. That bothers me and again makes me want to relapse, you see... Cause I don't have all the answers to my questions, I can't predict every step always or what to do, it's uncomfortable, I'm not in control it bothers me. Being vulnerable asking for help, I'd rather act the way I act instead of asking for help cause then I'm in control even if it's a bad idea. Asking for help is weak, vulnerable, wow you see... I don't think that's me speaking again but maybe I was raised this way and didn't get enough attention.

I need guidance, help from within. I need to find a way. I need to feel that this isn't what I need to do. That there is another way to attain relaxation and come closer to reaching my goals. I'm open for suggestions as well if any of you have any. This is honestly just how I feel. I'll keep moving forward, don't want to burn up my ladder sticks for fire before it's too late I want to climb out of this. I just saw the intention-implementation technique on youtube when pressing the relapsed button. That was quite helpful. If I get uncomfortable in any situation, alone, with people, at home, at vacation, I make myself more comfortable. The moments when I don't feel in control, I'll find something that I can control, my hands, my feet, my body, my eyes. Everytime I feel lonely, I'll make noise or sing/sing-along with my mouth. Everytime I feel vulnerable or down I'll step outside and take some fresh air. Everytime I feel curious, I will explore a subject that I find interesting. Everytime I feel bored, I'll start dancing. Everytime it's evening and it's bedtime I don't bring my computer or telephone in my room. If I want that then I need to sit in the living room. If I'm in the living room and it's evening and I try to say it's too late to do what I usually do then everytime I'm in the livingroom/kitchen and it's evening I shall stretch/yogameditate.

 

back to day 1 again relapsed... I must say that it went better. I just need to assess what happened this evening. This whole day I was thinking about this but I didn't do it cause I was using my techniques. Now it was evening, I was relaxed reading an article, I even got a call from my girlfriend that interrupted the whole session but I went back to it, why...

Okay so in the evening it seems like I throw out the rules to fit my schedule better. I can't do that. Everytime it's evening and it's bedtime I don't bring my computer or telephone in my room. If I want that then I need to sit in the living room. If I'm in the living room and it's evening and I try to say it's too late to do what I usually do then everytime I'm in the livingroom/kitchen and it's evening I shall stretch/yogameditate.

I'm the best version of myself today and no other day, I'm learning and training and building, becoming, improving already the best version which I'm today. I'm just learning and updating. I'm great as I am, this changes and will never change nothing about that. I'm a fine and driven individual, I want what's best for most of us, and I don't want women treated this way. This is unacceptable behavior towards women. I need to stop watering this plant that will eat my soul. Pleasure is a business, fulfillment gives meaning.

 

I haven't felt this happy for day 1 in a while. Damn it feels refreshing, don't wanna be a shell of the potential that I can amount to.

 

I've binged, masturbated a little and watched some YT videos, damn everything is triggering. I mean like everything... Gotta keep going soon day 21

 

Well, relapsed now. Back to day 1.