Letting go

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lostneverland, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I agree good plans , good progress...however this is still a shocking surprise. There’s lots to do. Find homes for the animals, find a place to live, finish the renovations and get the place ready to sell...plus empty out 5 out buildings.
    Arg...it’s all overwhelming
     
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    One step at a time. One day at a time. When it gets too much, stop and rest. Lots of rest.

    Your name has been very fitting, I think. What is Neverland? It's a place of eternal adolescence and escapism. You've been partnered with one of its citizens for many years and forced to live there in order to remain with him. Now he's gone -- and Neverland with him. There is grief and pain in all loss, even when what we lose is for our best. That loss, and the grappling with it, has been what defined you for a long time.

    I anticipate that it will do so no longer. In time, I think you will arrive at a new identity, one defined not by what you have lost and what has constrained you, but rather by what you have found on this journey. Neverland has been a cocoon of sorts. Its transformative bonds have been wrapped about you tightly and the birthing has been hard. It's not quite done yet; in fact, the hardest bit may lie just ahead. But something new is being created in this crucible of pain.

    I can't wait to see the strong, amazing woman who emerges.

    One step at a time. One day at a time. When it gets too much, stop and rest. Lots of rest.
     
    mrtumnus, Bombadil, Mourde and 2 others like this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Wow very eloquent...it made me cry. Thank you Tao Jones for your encouragement and support
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Another day and slow progress, but progress just the same. The property was listed today..well at my end anyway. My Ex-PA now has to meet with the realtor to sign the documents.
    I’m still feel like I’m in a surreal situation...it’s so overwhelming.
    And as is the case...one step forward and two back...the hot water heater crapped out. So I now have no hot water. Lol...hey guess I’m out of hot water...ha ha ha
    Arg...humour to lighten the mood
     
    Susannah and Tao Jones like this.
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    It just keeps getting better. My ex-PA came out today to pick up the truck to go and get a hot water tank. However I don’t have any money for him and need my visa to try and find a place. He wanted to use my visa, as his was compromised last Tuesday due to an insecure website.

    So no hot water...no showers, etc... this is just spiralling. AND there’s nothing that I can do except watch the man that loved with all my heart slowly destroy himself.
     
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Will he come out of it ? Or is this the natural progression into a dark and distant world?
     
  7. This may be the rock bottom he needs. Heat some water on the stove, take a warm bath and relax. Get some sun and try to enjoy the day please.
     
    Mourde and Faceplanter like this.
  8. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Hugs to you... it will get better.
     
  9. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    This is shocking and horrible. This addiction eats people's souls until they are unrecognizeable. You didn't deserve this at all and you can carry your head high. These men always seem to be hiding something-I think they are addicted to the power of their secrecy. It's pathological.
    And I am so sorry about no hot water too-that makes everything worse. And to bath with no hot water is impossible I think! Wr had no hot water once and I boiled pots and pots of h20 but it cooled so much by the time I had enough for a bath.
    One step at a time. Get through 5 minutes, then the next 5. I imagine it feels impossible to enjoy much right now and that is ok! A bomb has been set off in your life. You need to feel all your emotions.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Sadgirl and CMarie102 he came through and is currently installing the hot water tank.
    Ya know he’s a good man , with many wonderful attributes. I’ve loved him for 17 years, he’s part of me. I exposed my soul to him, I trusted him and believed in him and in us. I sincerely thought we could get through anything. I know sex addiction isn’t about the sex it’s about self soothing /attachment. I can only imagine how vulnerable he feels exposing his deepest secrets, but honestly, I don’t hold that against him. I’m proud of him for sharing his secrets. It took great courage. That said...he has to be willing to deal with all the history and I don’t think he is. Its so hard to let go of someone who has been one of the biggest parts of your life.

    Guess I live in a fantasy world. Arg...now I’m sounding like a puddle of pity. I’m just trying to come to terms with my new reality.
     
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  11. You aren't sounding like anything but a woman hurting -hugs- I'm so glad he stepped up to get that tank in for you
     
  12. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yup he did step up...ya know it would be easier if I hated the man...but I don’t. I hate all the things he’s done..but not him. He is a good man..who just doesn’t know how to connect or he’s too afraid too. I don’t know . All I see is the man I love who is struggling to find himself, in every aspect.
    Awh...ya know this just sucks. He’s on dating apps now, still again. He’s proud of himself that he’s learning how not to get scammed on porn sites. Went out with one girl and another stood him up. He was to meet her at a restaurant called Chop...a pricey little place. Jealousy sets in...he never took me there.
    If I hated him this would be easier...but I can’t help thinking something else is going on like a midlife crisis or something. Then I go for a reality check of wait a minute...you’re being manipulated. I’m just so confused and don’t know what to do . That’s what I mean when I say it would be easier if I hated him.
    I’ve been his longest lasting friendship in his life. He said his only friend. Arg...I hate this time in my life.
     
  13. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I think it is really so odd that he is telling you all of this- it is extremely juvenile of him-like he is trying to make you jealous. When you see him do you tell him you love him?
     
    Mourde likes this.
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yes I’ve told him that I love him, that I don’t understand what he’s doing. He said he doesn’t want to go to SA the rest of his life, he doesn’t believe this is about sex, but about something else. He’s on testosterone injections, maybe that has something to do with it. I don’t know.
    Therapist said when there are painful issues and addictions issues at play, people will revert back to a young age.
    He compartmentalizes so well. He’s on his own path and regardless of what I think, feel or say he will do what he wants. I don’t understand the behaviour, it’s not my place any longer to understand. I have to look after me.
    I told him when he left that if he can get to a point of replacing ego and pride with love and vulnerability he will experience a profound change.
    I think he just wants out without healing the wounds. To move on.
     
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Omg . Why are you letting him tell you these things about dates ?? He’s trying to make you jealous. I agree on the wish I hated him phrase . Your atleast OUT of the house , I’m IN it and feel like my soul is torn and conflicted . You know this is not a midlife crisis . It would be different if he wasn’t already an addict .
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    In his defence I asked the questions, he was honest to a point I guess...I know I need to stop asking. Nope I’m still in the house. I’ve lived on this property for 20 years, 17 with him and we got married here so that’s an additional sorrow. It started and ended in the same spot. I’m not sure what this is for him...but I know he’s confused. He’s on his path to find himself or her...and I must go forward with my life.
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    You wanted to know because somewhere deep inside you you have the same hopes I do probably. I need to keep telling myself that hope for a relationship with a man in full recovery will never happen. I put all my faith in it in 2016 . If it didn’t happen with us actually doing PA /PT relationship work for the first time ever than when would it work
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Maybe I’m grasping at straws here...and I admit I’m all over the map with my thoughts and feelings.
    When I met my husband he was kind, gentle, patient to a fault and helpful. We went through a period of extreme stress about three years into our relationship (custody battle) it caused me to become very depressed.
    During this time my husband was starting anew career. High stress for him plus the custody battle. He pulled it together, and maintained his career.
    In 2007 he experienced what I would say was a depressive period. We were distant and disconnected. I didn’t think it was depression t the time as male display depression differently. Anyway we had his testosterone levels checked and they were so low they were almost non existent. He started testosterone therapy and then slowly everything started to change. He became easily angered, he was impatient and withdrawn. I think this is when the PMO started again. He says he was PMO free during our first 5 years. I can understand his emotional disconnect because of his upbringing and sexual past, but honest this current behaviour is totally off the rails for him.
    QUESTION:
    Has anyone experienced hypersexuality from testosterone injections? He’s been on testosterone since 2007. His prostate is enlarged and he is on the edge of fatty liver disease.

    Like I said ,maybe I’m grasping at straws and this is foolish, but what if it isn’t?
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  19. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    If he has been on testosterone injections for several years I find it hard to understand why his behaviour would change now unless his dosage has been increased or some metabolic pathway of testosterone being broken down in his body is impaired. Has he had his T levels and liver function tested recently? Intetestingly PMO can actually lower testosterone levels which might have caused his low T in the first place.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    He had those tests done. His liver function is indicating borderline fatty liver disease. This has been going on for at least three years. The doctor tells him to change his diet. His T-levels are still within the normal range ,but for him the highest they have ever been.
    Yes agreed masterbastion does lower the T-levels..I didn’t know he was doing that in high stress situations. If I had I wouldn’t have suggested seeing the doctor about his lack of energy or sex drive.
    What I’m thinking and I could be right out in left field is: what if the combination of testosterone, stress and the exposure of addiction and past behaviour are playing havoc with his mind. What if the testosterone is causing erratic, impulsive, angry and crude behaviour? His behaviour slowly evolved, I would say over the last 7-8 years into someone currently whom I hardly recognize .
    I don’t know...this behaviour is just so out of character for him...but then again it is what it is.
     

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