Life after leaving - my journey after a relationship with a PA

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by CMarie102, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Original post is here, with much of the backstory: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ip-today-super-long-possible-triggers.235367/

    I don't have the energy to post it again. It was draining, but also cathartic to type so much of it out.

    I left yesterday, for good this time. While I could use some professional counseling, I'm hoping this space will help me capture my daily thoughts and feelings, allow me to see my progress, and maaaaaybe, if I'm lucky, give some hope or inspiration to others who have no other reasonable choice but to leave.
     
  2. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1:

    I'm still pretty numb, but I'm randomly getting waves of deep sadness and anger, alternately. I went to work as usual, didn't cry, although I'm starting to think maybe a good cry today would help.

    I've been watching Matthew Hussey's videos about breakups on Youtube, because this is still just a break up, at the end of the day. I've dealt with grief before: I've buried my stillborn daughter and I've lost a 10 year marriage. This doesn't compare in intensity, but the feelings are similar.

    It's still a death, just an entirely preventable one.

    Mostly, I'm grieving time wasted and the idea of someone I feel like I was tricked into loving. My fault as much as his, though. All I can think is I can't let this ever happen again.
     
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I’m truly sorry for your losses. In your current situation although a loss, with all the emotions involved you did the right thing.
    Sex addiction, like any other addiction is progressive. I’m proud of you. You hang I there life will get better. You learned a valuable lesson(s)...more important you trusted your gut.
    Good on YOU.
     
    CMarie102 likes this.
  4. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much... the understanding and encouragement here has already been so helpful in navigating my way through this. Thank you!
     
  5. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2:

    I'm sitting in my doctor's office waiting room for my annual exam. Going to ask for a full STD panel, just in case. He lied about so much and about so many things, and accused me of cheating so often, that I'm not convinced he didn't.

    It's a scary prospect, but one that I'd rather put behind me if it comes out ok, and face head on if it doesn't.

    Today I'm just feeling angry, and wishing I'd never met him. I'm sure there's some lessons in here, somewhere, though.
     
  6. TrueSaiyan

    TrueSaiyan Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear that he lied to you, but that sounds like it was a crazy addiction none like I've ever heard. It just makes me angry when people say they don't watch porn and lie about it even during a relationship. If I had one right now that would be the farthest thing away, I'd feel a sense of bliss. Some people just get lucky and taken easily. I always see them running into problems because they don't know that other person extremely well. I don't know what ever to say to them because it's they're business.

    But I just want to say you did the right thing for breaking things off. I wouldn't feel bad or guilty at all because you were protecting yourself. You're only setting yourself up for somebody better in the future. Porn takes its toll as when people find out. I find myself on social media and I see pointless videos being posted of woman actually spying on there boyfriends phone, while they are in the bathroom. Love is sacred and love is honesty. Once broke people fall out of balance.
     
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  7. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day 3:

    Yesterday was mostly anger, remembering things he's said and done, putting pieces together about who he really is, and deciding if I should talk to the police, his family, or his friends. I'm still sitting on that, because I don't know the right choice, but I do know that, based on things he's said, something illegal probably happened about 5 years ago. It's a lot to realize and try to sort out in your mind.... reconciling that you loved someone capable of these things, and ignored or believed so much.

    Today was mostly sadness. I know I'm only missing the person he was pretending to be, and the good times were very few and far between, especially near the end.

    Still, who he was pretending he was or who he kind of sort of was, was there daily. I could never, ever go back knowing what I know now, and I really hate a lot of who he really is, now that I know, but it still doesn't take away this part of the grieving process.

    It'll get better.

    PS - i'm remembering something about his kik. I saw one time that his kik page showed a LOT of girls (some very young looking) but he said random people just popped up, he had no idea why, and he didn't actually chat with them. He opened a few up to show me there were no chats. I'm clueless about messaging apps, so I thought that must be how it works and shrugged it off. Now I'm convinced I was duped about that, too. Does anyone know if random people pop up on kik or was that a lie, too?
     
  8. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4:

    I reached out to someone who explained kik and told me what I kind of already figured. No, people do not just randomly pop up on kik.

    He is not only a liar and a porn addict with a questionable and very worrisome ferish, he is also a cheater. Which I've also felt for awhile. He accused me so much... he was projecting.

    Not only is he a cheater, but I seriously believe many of those girls were under 18.

    There's a part of me that wants to pretend to reconcile with him just so I can gather all the proof I need to turn him in and make sure he never victimizes anyone.

    There's another part that just wants to stay as far away as possible and forget about him so I can learn to be happy again.

    The crazy thing is, he acted like he was so in love, and cared so much. Even when it got really bad, he still said he wanted to be with me forever.

    I guess I don't understand how someone can lie that much. Even though I was in the relationship willingly, I feel like a fool. And like his victim. I feel so weak and stupid right now.
     
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  9. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    PS - I should get my std results back today.
     
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You’re in my prayers on your test results. I understand what you say about the lying and projecting. It’s a total mindf-ck. This is truly the motherlode of addictions. I commend you on your decision to leave.
    I caution you on trying to deceptively reconcile to find out additional information, he’s not worth it. Your kids safety and yours is of utmost importance. As their addiction increases so their moral compass completely disappears.
    Justice will be served, probably faster than you think, especially since you’ve left.
    Congrats on your strength of character and determination.
    You’re in my thoughts and prayers
     
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  11. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. You're right. I just need to let it all go.
     
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  12. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Congrats on putting your health and sanity above pleasing others including your ex.

    Your journal was hard to read as I identified with much of this story.

    I hope you are able to forgive so that you can find your sanity and peace.
     
    CMarie102 likes this.
  13. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day 5 (technically):

    It felt wrong to do, but I actually spontaneously went on a quasi-date yesterday afternoon. It felt wrong because I know I don't want anything even remotely romantic with anyone for a long time. Still, it was nice to actually leave the house with someone and enjoy their company, along with food and drinks. Normal stuff. My ex wouldn't plan dates. He barely liked to leave his house, as his hobby is gaming, so he has everything he needs at home.

    I let the person know where I was at emotionally and he was actually understanding and gave me a lot of the same advice I'd received here. It was nice to know I could be open with this, and people will still accept me.

    Better than that, though...I went out to a bar/club for my step sister's birthday. I actually didn't want to...I felt drained from socializing on the date. But I'm so glad I did! It was silly and fun and I got to remember that I have people in my life that actually love me, who I love back, and it was easy to be happy around them.

    I've read that going out with friends/family after a break up is one of the best ways to get over it. It's so true.

    I'm not over it by a long shot, but I'm moving forward. I think the shock is wearing off and I'm faced with the cold reality that he's out of my life, but that it's a good thing because he never really existed, not the way I thought he did anyway.

    I'm glad it's over.

    I've decided not to tell anyone in his circle, or law enforcement, what I know about him. While I'm not super religious, I think praying for him/hoping he finds happiness so he can change and never hurt anyone or ruin his life...from afar is what's best for me. I'm glad he can't hurt me or, most importantly, my kids.

    Good news: No STDs!
     
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hurray...std free...whew, bet that’s a relief. Sounds like you’re putting your best foot forward and going for it. Most definitely, going out with supportive friends and family is much better and makes the going easier after a breakup. I’m happy for you.
    You are making wise well thought out decisions , good job.

    Onward and upward...lesson learned, and no need for slow learner status here.
    Congrats

    PS: sometimes I take three times to learn a life lesson...obviously you’re a fast learner
     
    CMarie102 likes this.
  15. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you...I wouldn't necessarily say I'm a fast learner. I stayed in the relationship long after it turned unhealthy, for example. I also had a good night last night, but waking up this morning I felt such an emptiness. I'm pretty sure it's partially because this is the first day since the breakup that I haven't woken up with the kids here. They are an amazing distraction from the pain.

    I really don't know how to let this go. I do things like spend energy on reciting what I'd say to him if he ever contacts me again. I feel anger at times when all I want to feel is forgiveness and peace. I can't forgive his seeming pedophilia, because that's not for me to forgive. That's for me to stay away from. But I can forgive the manipulating, lying, cheating, and porn addiction. I can forgive those things. I just don't know how quite yet.

    I also don't know if or when I'll ever truly trust a man again. Walking to the park earlier I was followed slowly by a man in a car who eventually asked if I needed a ride. I hate that I need to feel afraid walking a quarter of a mile because of men. I hate that I need to immediately feel afraid of any man who shows an interest in me or my family. I've had so many bad experiences with men (my first kiss was my best friend's uncle. He was 23. I was 12. The first penis I ever saw was when I was walking home from school. I was 15. He looked like he was in his 40s) that I just want to go run and hide under a rock sometimes. I wouldn't even dance with or close to a man last night because I didn't want one to touch me at all.

    Anyway, this is all very emotional and convoluted, I know. A lot of introspection is going to be needed to get through this healthily. I think I end up in relationships with men at least partly because it helps me feel protected from other men... and in writing that I've now broken down and cried.

    Thanks for reading all this and being so supportive. I know it's a selfish action, this writing, but it really does help.

    Thank you.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  16. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Journals are therapeutic...
    I run to my computer when my wife goes off the deep end. I find it’s helpful. I feel like an electronic Anne frank at times.

    I am withholding commenting here; just keep writing. You have a lot more than what you are sharing ... it’s obvious to me anyway. Keep going friend.
     
    CMarie102 likes this.
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    CMarie102 ...I think you’re doing awesome. Maybe what you’re growing through is the grief process. I hear ya the men issue...sometimes it almost feels like we’re bait for the predators.
    I’m really happy to hear you’re staying away from him. Stay strong.
     
    CMarie102 likes this.
  18. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you both for your kind words.... they inspire me to stay strong! I hope to get to a point where I'm far enough away from this to read and respond to other's stories in such a helpful way.

    Day 6:
    Yesterday and today I've listened to two audio books: "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and "Psychopath Free". Both are great, but if you were in a relationship, with or without a porn addict, where you were lied to, belittled, manipulated, gas lighted, made to feel like you were in a competition with others over your ex's time/ attention, if your partner never expressed true remorse, if you were blamed for everything, I highly highly recommend Psychopath Free. I could not believe how much of it was completely spot on. I was made to feel crazy, but it wasn't me. I wasn't the problem.

    Interestingly, the book points out that narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths have an intense boredom and dislike quiet, alone moments. They have to fill them with something, and addictions are one of the many ways they do this.

    Not to say that all porn addicts have a personality disorder... but in my ex's case, I think his addiction was a symptom of something much deeper, and probably pathological, especially considering the nature of our relationship and the nature of his interests.

    I think there were about 30 points made that you're dealing with this kind of personality.... he hit solidly on almost all of them, and the rest, there were still pieces that fit. It's been an eye-opening weekend. Maybe not all men are bad, maybe I've just been an easy target for the bad ones.
     
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  19. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day 7:

    One week since the end of the relationship and I've oscillated back to sadness. It's like I can't decide whether I'm angry or depressed about the whole thing.

    I was doubting myself today...if I took him by just his words, he loved me, he didn't have an addiction, he was changing, I just wasn't understanding or trying hard enough to change my feelings, and was making him do all the adjusting because of my insecurities and because I refused to try and understand him.

    Maybe he was right, maybe I was in the wrong all along. Maybe he wasn't so bad. Maybe he really did love me the way he said he did.

    I start thinking that, and then another thought pops into my head. Hey, remember that irrefutable evidence you saw that not only proved he was a liar and a cheater, but that he gets off to little girls?

    That thought makes it easy to quell the self- doubt.
     
  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    GRIEF...sounds like you’re going through the grieving process. Stay strong, protect your children. The only way he will change and grow is if he wants to. He can say anything he wants.
    You have stepped back and have given him an opportunity to grow, or sink as he sees fit.
    Don’t second guess yourself, you’re doing what’s right for you and that’s what matters the most.
     
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