LinkedIN as porn Substitute?? Is this possible?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 21yearsin, Dec 28, 2019.

  1. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Do "all men" look ogle young women? No. But, a lot do. Personally, even though I PMO, I don't ogle women, it just isn't my thing. But, a lot of guys I have met over the years do. I think a lot of them grew up that way, maybe their dad was that way. Is it possible for your husband to objectify women on LinkedIn and abstain from porn. Yes.

    Is it immature or wrong for your husband to look at young women on LinkedIn... Well, that depends doesn't it. If I married someone who grew up ogling women and the people I respected did it too, then maybe I wouldn't think it was a big deal. And, for sure, there are lots of non-pornstar women who want to be ogled. Those women obviously don't think it is a big deal. So, yeah, maybe your husband thinks most men do it. I have met so many married men who wouldn't hesitate to go to a strip joint or wear dark glasses at the beach so they could watch women walk by. I'd guess that around 25% of the men I know are like that, could be more. And, furthermore I think the older pre-internet-porn generation is more likely to be that way because us younger guys didn't have to work so hard or spend any money to do those sorts of things. If your husband is 63, he had a good 30 years of his post-pubescent life where he developed his womanizing habits without the ease of free internet porn.

    Why did you marry the man? It sounds like he had those bad habits before you married him, yet, there were still things that you fell in love with in spite of his dirty secrets. Contrary to what a lot of people say on these forums, porn, infidelity, immaturity, and all of those other problems a spouse might have, do not make that person unlovable or a bad person. We can have flaws and still bring joy into other people's lives. You don't even need to forgive him, instead just trust that on his best days he is the same man you married, and that deep down he wants to be that man every day. Be on the same team as him. I am sure you have flaws too that he shouldn't let get in the way of his love for you.

    I am only 38, but I talked with so many married men and all of us have our issues. I haven't met a single man who doesn't have a porn addiction level problem. Life is hard and the best thing we can do is find a spouse who will ride through the rough spots in life with us, love us even though we do some really shitty things sometimes.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
  2. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I may not agree with much of what you say, JustADude, but that was a good example of how to engage on this forum without being hostile, willfully ignorant or downplaying other people's issues. A certain other user should take note.

    ANH
     
  3. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    @JustADude A good nuanced post. I also strongly believe that most men simply are brought up like this, just as you say.

    However, I don't agree that adult people behaving like shit deserve to be loved by their spouses. So one day he should be sleeping with prostitutes and the other day we should be frolicking on the beach? Unconditional love is something you get from your mother or your yellow Lab; from all others you have to earn it and deserve it.

    If my "flaws" were cheating, paying male prostitutes and looking at dicks every time I went to the bathroom, I really hope my husband would love himself enough to leave me. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be called a "lovable person with some unfortunate flaws" either, but more likely a "big whore".

    ... Or simply just deal with our issues first, before we scam others into committing to a life we won't be committed to anyway. That's also an idea.
     
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  4. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    For sure, some spouses might be too far gone, and maybe those marriages need to end.

    But, I think, most of the time, even on nofap, most marriages affected by porn are still worth the effort. Most of the time, when our spouse hurts us, we only see the worst, we assume the worst, we forget about the good, we sabotage opportunities for reconciliation, and we don't recognize our own role in the problems at hand. AND, we get into cycles of negative thinking and negative behavior that only serves to encourage more negative behavior and more negative thinking.

    I think this is unrealistic. We have a strong human drive to find a life mate. Most of us get married young and immature. I believe part of marriage is the struggle of growing as individuals within the marriage.
     
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  5. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    lol at incel you’re obviously retarded and are angry so you’re spurring a bunch of insults my way. I don’t even have a linked in. I’ve broken up with every girl I dated. Any other rude and ignorant comment you have?
     
  6. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    WOW. You start right off the bat with calling Lilla retarded, and then IMMEDIATELY say that its because she insulted you. Gee, I can't possibly imagine why your relationships haven't worked out!!!
     
  7. this is not constructive
     
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  8. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    Lol all this started because I expressed my concerns about OP’s suspicion. Then comes the hurt females to the rescue using whatever hate they can to make a point and here comes Joe the feminist punk who thinks he knows it all. I wonder what I’ll be called next, maybe a virgin? It would have made more sense to argue that LinkedIn is a place where hookups happen. OP has yet to even comment so this is beyond ridiculous to get upset over a post.
     
  9. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Okay, all insulting and sarcasm aside, you say that this all started because you expressed concerns about the OP's suspicion, but actually what you said was

    You obviously don’t know anything about their marriage other than what she posted. If you don’t’ think what he’s doing is wrong, all you have to do is post that you personally don’t see anything wrong with it. But no, you were condescending telling her to stop being so concerned with it. And she never said he was having sex with all of them, but he does have an addiction to porn, and with no connection to them, either personally or professionally, he should be having absolutely nothing to do with any of them. And you again came off as insulting when you said all men do it, which is about as true as saying no one disagrees about politics anymore. It is BEYOND laughably wrong to say that all men do that. NO, NOT all men do it. Come on, man. You have to know better than to say that all men do that.
     
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  10. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    Ok now you’re using a little more sense. I agree my post was a little condescending and I don’t know their situation therefore I shouldn’t tell her what to do. The fact remains that if you have attractive girls on your LinkedIn, it doesn’t mean you are cheating. And almost everyone on LinkedIn adds people they don’t know so yes all men can have hot young girls their wives would disapprove of in their connections. Everybody still feels attraction despite being in a relationship. Commitment is really what matters.
     
  11. @21yearsin I will add a couple things in order to help a little. As a Christian and as someone who has been suffering this fight for long time. In the book of genesis 20 the king abimelech took sarah. If we read carefully, we can see that sarah was a older woman of 90 year old. That mean for this flesh there is no limit. People tent and like to judge to feel superior to someone else, but concretely we are big sinners and also we have done and we can do bad things that we never thought that we will be able to do. Everything can become in a psub, I have live this reality for myself, in a bad day or a day out of control this things can happen. The question that you are making is wrong, LinkedIn is possible? in this addiction everything is possible, but the question should be linkedIn, what can you do?. Then instead of finding the guilty because you felt hurt, you will find solutions to help your husband. what it makes me disappointed is the advices that you have received here, it's make me really sad. Let's be more humbles. This platform is for support and help, not for judge or persecuting. At the end sarah forgave the abraham mistake. To someone can stand up will take time, to someone can open their eyes, it will take time also. If God is merciful, we also can be merciful and patience. If your husband is same boat like us, he needs to learn so many things in order to fight, be an overcomer is something that you can't do the next day. It's a process and like any other process will takes time. God bless you and be strong. I hope you can make a better like with your husband.
     
  12. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Just commenting for a reminder:

    Click a user's name or avatar picture and a little box comes up. "ignore" is one of the options. It comes in handy for some threads like these.

    And for the OP. Totally a possible Porn substitute, but admittedly about as weak of one as possible. Another user commented that some guys trying to drop porn don't really mean it if we go to Psubs. That's not true, guys can move to Psubs thinking it will help them drop porn. In a technical sense it actually could work but usually it keeps the visual reward dopamine circuits in his brain open and working and that will lead back to porn. P-subs never were enough for me except for a few months.

    However, it's better to recognize the issue and take Psubs out along with the Porn. However, I would also note that for it to truly be a Psub, he'd have to be using it like Porn (typically ending with MOing to the images)....otherwise it could be.....something in between, closer to ogling that anything else I suppose. Still maybe not ok, but (as discussed in this thread) people have different standards for different activities.

    I also agree that if you think he's been lying, with his history, he probably has. Honesty has to be a part of a successful abstinence effort. It's possible he's turned the corner and you are too skeptical, but it's unlikely.
     
  13. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    Oh creepy. All men don’t do it. I have many male friends who don’t.
    That being said, I am the SO, not the addict. When I see a man in a suit, that is my “porn”. No, I don’t do anything with the vision of the man in a suit. I simply melt a bit and move on.
    So he may have a certain thing about professional women?
     
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