Hello all! This is going to be a mirror journal to the one I have on the main site. My reason for doing this is I want to interact more with those who are of a like faith. Let me introduce myself. My addiction seems to be unique. My problem is fully and completely limited to images on a screen. I have no problem looking at people in public, I have no desire for any "hookups", I have no desire to visit and clubs or places with nuditity. My problem is completely limited to the computer screen. In fact, I have only been intimate with my wife and I have no desire to be intimate with anyone else; period! With all of this said, I must eliminate all stimulating content on screens and remain accountable to doing so. I suppose this addiction started around 10 years old and as a result of dad keepng material in plain sight. It seems my sexual beginnings began with images in books and on tv. My first sexual experience was through M which continuted into my early 20's before marrying. After marrying, I was able to leave all this behind. What bought it all back remains a mystery to me. I do know I spent many years as a functioning addict until my life started crumbling and spinning further out of control. I must turn away from lust completely if I am ever able to have a orderly and productive life. From here on out, any deliberate searching for or continued viewing of even psubs will result in a reset for me. My life has been chaotic and out of order for years now. I know the exact life I want to live. I must put in the work and effort to do it now before I get any older. My life continues to slip away one day at a time. After a few days of thought and careful consideraton, I am going to change my approach to journaling on this journey. After reading the last few days of updates from @Tao Jones journal, considering the things he had to say, and the comments posted by @Rebooter2022 , I have decided to reset my counter and take a much stronger approach to recovery. As my journey has ticked on, I have allowed myself to view more and more material that is not helpful to me. As @Rebooter2022 mentioned, even psubs fall under the category of immorality. To continue to allow even the practice of psubs will be allowing the claws of addiction to remain in my body. Starting now, I will use a new format for journaling that is inspired from the journal of @Jefe Rojo I am going to journal in each of the distinct categories daily for how ever long is needed to get my life in order. I will do it for the rest of my life if I must. The areas I am focusing on are, Daily Bible Reading Personal Development Personal Time Home and Property Improvment Rebuilding my Business Caffeine Intake Lust Related Battles Daily Prayer Time General Thoughts for the Day I'll begin breaking these out and journaling tonight. I ask you all for any suggestions and also to keep me accountable to journaling and "Living a New Life".
Some further explination on my decision. It was about 7 or so years ago that I was completely clean for 15 months. I done a completely innocent internet search led me to P. I did not manage that situation well and went back to it again and again. I went from there into full blown relapse that lasted for the approx 7 years. Those years of PMO were the worst of my life. I must not allow that to happen again. I can not imagine what the result of my life would be if I allowed relapse.
Here we go with the new journaling. As I mentioned earlier, I have several areas on my life I am focusing on. I plan to comment on each one daily. Lust Related Battles - My problem is totally confined to images on a screen. I suppose this is because as a child, dad kept printed material laying around and frequently watched programs and movies with nudity. I guess my body developed a like for the plastic/fake/edited images in magazines and on a screen. I have no problems or triggers seeing people in real life. I have no desire for any woman besides my wife. I have been lax with my browsing habits. One click leads to another and I have been letting myself slide on increasingly worse content. That must end. I've been down that road before and it leads to full blown relapse. I have better use of my time. Personal Time - I used my personal time today to get our hot tub filled and ready to use. It is still very cold where I live and not really ideal for hot tub. My wife wanted the hot tub filled so she got the hot tub filled. She has worked really hard on the ecommerce business. We will just deal with the power bill. Later tonight, we plan to spend some time in it. I really hope it snows soon. I love resting in the hot tub while it is snowing! Personal Development - I'm currently reading "Heavy Duty Nutrition" by Mike Mentzer. I am a bodybuilder(well, becoming one again) so on days when I am not training, I like to do some reading. I've been involved in the sport for about 26 years now but I always discover I still have much to learn. From day 1 in the sport, I have been influenced by Mike and his principles. Home and Property Improvement - None today unless I count getting the hot tub ready. Rebuilding my Business - I spent the day catching up on accounting. Though I am really good at accounting, I do not like to do it. It is not something I want to hire out because I have a hard time trusting this with another. I just do it. It takes a few hours a month. Caffeine Intake - Another big addiction for me. Since about 2016 I have been into stimulants big time. In addition to my regular caffeine habits, I starting using preworkout supplements with my bodybuilding. Since they hit the market, they have got stronger and stronger. I quit those about a year ago. Now, I am working on my caffeine habit. I had around 150mg total today. Daily Prayer Time - I spent a lot of time in prayer today. I asked God for forgiveness for my years of P, Psubs, and lust. I asked God to break any bonds I may have formed in my mind to any of those women. I asked Him to help me move on to and bless me in the life I really want to live. I also prayed for some forum members today which I frequently do. Daily Bible Reading - 1 John Chapter 1. One of my favorite passages of scripture concerning the way to deal with sin in life. General Thoughts for the Day - This entry is a bit long. I intend to condense in down some moving forward. My general thought for the day is I am encouraged. I have dug deep to the root of my problem and I believe put into practice a way to finally resolve it. My life has been chaotic and out of order for the last 10 years. I believe that if I focus on all the things mentioned in this post, I will see my life progressively move in the direction of the life I truly want to live. Thanks to all of those who took time to read!
Hello. I am glad my and @Tao Jones 's posts have encouraged you not to tolerate lust in your life. I believe God wants everyone to live free of addiction and also to know his Son. This is not intended to be a doctrinal discussion, but for the purposes of clarification: Does 'jw' in your handle refer to 'Jehovah's Witness'? Your real name could be 'John Wisdom', but your chosen picture looks like something from the Watchtower too. If you do self-identify as a JW, are you sure that this forum is the right place for you? I read 1 John again recently in my Bible devotional times. It was very helpful. Do you confess that Jesus was+is the co-eternal Son of God, begotten eternally of the father, true God from true God, as it says in the Nicene Creed, and that as the Son of God he came in the flesh, as it says in 1 John, and that he was both fully God and fully man, as it says in the Chalcedonian creed? If not, this may not be the forum for you as it is a forum for Christian fapstronauts. You may want to find or start a JW one. If yes, great! Welcome (again)!
This forum is for anyone who desires to be free of PMO and calls on the name of Christ for help to do so. If that describes you, you are welcome here. Once we are walking in his freedom and know his peace, there will plenty of time left over to discuss and even debate our theology about him, but such discussions are not our aim here.
I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ. I believe Jesus was the only begotten Son of God who willingly came to this earth, lived a sinless life, willingly gave His life on the cross, was buried and rose again the third day, and now has ascended and sits on the right hand side of the Father making intercession for all who have trusted and believed in Him. I chose this picture because I have many times felt like the lost lamb whom Jesus left the 99 and come to seek. I still often feel that way. I think this opens up a great opportunity to tell more of my story. My siblings, my mother, and I underwent a great deal of abuse in the home I grew up in from my dad. My dad is passed on and now my family, siblings, and mother are processing and healing from it all. With that said, I realize now that dad likely had many undiagnosed mental disorders which could include paranoia, bipolar, odd, depression, ptsd, and schizophrenia. He likely had others. He should have been institutionalized years before he passed but mom was so beaten down by him and terrified she wouldn't do it. We were all subject to near daily provocation, screaming, yelling, threats, etc. Dad never physically abused me and my siblings but he sure made enough threats. As children, we were always left with the fear it would come. Dad did physically abuse mom often. That only stopped when one of my older siblings and I decided enough was enough. I especially was much physically larger and stronger and dad knew it. The abuse still occurred in secret we found out after dad died. He was just more careful and methodical. He was a master manipulator. Moving on from that. As a child, I was constantly terrorized at home. As a result, I developed stomach ulcers by age 10. I did not eat a lot because I stayed sick all the time. As a result, I did not develop well. I was a easy and frequent target for bullying from about that age until about 17 years old. I was also one whom the opposite sex was not interested in. Who wants to dance with or date the kid who gets bullied? By about age 17, I had completely withdrawn from about everyone. I had a small group of guys I hung out with. They were not of the popular crowd either but a couple of them were big and strong. In my little group, I was no longer a target for bullies. Moving on to my battle with PMO, I started viewing printed material by age 10. I figured out PMO by about age 15. I am convinced dad was a P addict for about all of the time I knew him. He kept plenty of printed material laying around the house in open sight. Because of the rejection I went through from the opposite sex, there came a point where I did not bother to try dating. I guess I expressed myself sexually through PMO. The magazines never rejected me! Fast forward to my early 20's, the unthinkable happened. A young woman become interested in me and later become my wife. It was the most wonderful thing ever as marriage was an idea I had given up on. I didn't even think about anything PMO related for some time once we got together and after we married. Somewhere along the line it came back into my life. How I got back into PMO is a mystery to me and one I need to explore. To wrap up this long post, somewhere about 30 years old, I realized it was a problem. I then realized that no matter how hard I tried I could not quit. I managed to white knuckle through a period of 15 months once but relapsed and went through the worst 7 years of so of addiction in my life. I found this forum, joined, and have enjoyed a lot of sobriety afterwords. I am now in my journey looking to put all remaining lust out of my life. I have much to work on. In addition to lust, I need to put aside bitterness that stems from dad and those who have mistreated me in life as well.
Day 1 Lust Related Battles - No problems at all! Personal Time - I spent some time today playing Animal Crossing. I really enjoy this game. Also spent some time in the hot tub. Personal Development - Not much. Spent some time discussing training and dieting with a family member. Home and Property Improvement - None today. I do as little as possible on Sunday and take time to rest. Rebuilding my Business - Sunday is my day off. Caffeine Intake - I would say around 150mg. Same as yesterday. Daily Prayer Time - I went to church today. The message was very good and timely. I utilized the prayer time after the message and rededicated my life to God. I decided to trust Him and His following more. I am going to have an additional time of prayer tonight after I finish this post. From the messages I received and the posts I read today, there are some members in particular I will be lifting up in prayer. Daily Bible Reading - Just the text while at church today. General Thoughts for the Day - Short journal entry today. I work very hard through the week; 6 days worth. I take as much time on Sunday as I can to rest. I spent a lot of time on the forum today. I had many very helpful and encouraging messages and journal posts that I replied to. I really appreciate everyone's unwavering support for me!
Day 2 Lust Related Battles - No problems at all! Personal Time - I spent some time today playing Animal Crossing. I also added some cardio into my bodybuilding. I'm solid and somewhat defined everywhere except for my stomach. I need to lost that excess fat. I went today and bought the pair of running shoes I always have wanted. Personal Development - I went to lunch and spent about a hour with the man whom I consider my life coach. We had wonderful discussion about everything from business to fitness. Home and Property Improvement - Treadmill needed some work. Been putting it off but got the job done today. Rebuilding my Business - Paid some invoices. I aim to spend about 1 hour a day on the ecommerce business. My wife does 99% of it. I have a career of my own. I am taking time to assist her to boost sales. Caffeine Intake - I would say around 120mg. Making progress. Daily Prayer Time - I have prayed throughout the day for different people on this forum who are going through struggles. As soon as I close this computer out, I am going to have an additional prayer time. Daily Bible Reading - Missed this one today. I like to do bible reading in the morning. Before laying down to sleep, I will read at least one chapter. General Thoughts for the Day - Monday is my busiest day of the week. I went pretty much non stop today. I did not struggle with any lust or urges. A couple times I came across a image that caught my eye but I did not dwell or allow lust. I went on by it I guess like a normal individual would. I am very encouraged about that. My sleep has been interrupted for about 3 nights in a row. I am very tired to say the least. Hopefully I can catch up a bit tonight.
Day 3 Lust Related Battles - Unwanted dreams last night. Once I got up, the thoughts quickly went away. After a couple hours, I had no memory of them. Personal Time - I went out with my brother today for lunch. Personal Development - Read some articles about how temperature can affect fat loss/accumulation. Very interesting stuff. I am a bodybuilder so this stuff is interesting to me. Home and Property Improvement - No time today. I was extremely busy with work. Rebuilding my Business - No time here either. I was very busy with my career. I hope to get back to helping my wife by Thursday. Caffeine Intake - I would say around 200mg. Very busy with work and ended up binging more. Daily Prayer Time - I prayed throughout the day for different people on the forum who are really battling right now. I will have another time of prayer just before bed. Daily Bible Reading - 1 John Chapter 2 General Thoughts for the Day - Today was so busy it was a blur. I was very productive with my work today so I am happy with that. I took very little time today for myself. I don't want this to sound selfish but I believe one should pay themselves first meaning they should take at least a hour for themselves every day. I say this because for years I spent my life telling everyone else "Yes" while telling myself "No". It led me to getting into a rut and allowing myself to go deeper into addiction. I should have taken 30 minutes to do a workout today because bodybuilding is important to me. I will try again tomorrow.
Is the goal to increase or to decrease caffeine intake? Does it impact your battle with lust, or why is that a goal? I know people usually try to decrease it, but personally I try to keep the intake as high as possible!
My goal is to decrease intake until I am able to go off it completely. I guess I have an addiction to it. When I start I can't seem to get enough. I want to eliminate all addiction in my life. For health reasons, I want to avoid it because of the effects of dehydration and anxiety it can have.
Day 4 Lust Related Battles - Dealt with some urges today. Personal Time - I found a abandoned group in the groups section called "Bodybuilding Fapstronauts". Since I am a bodybuilder, I inquired about the group and become the new group leader. I worked a good bit on it today. I am very excited for the group and think it will be a help to a lot of people. Over 1,000 people have joined but with no activity people did not stay. I hope to help change that. I also went shopping with my wife. Personal Development - Studied up on a few supplements. Home and Property Improvement - No time today. I was extremely busy with work again. Rebuilding my Business - No time here either. I was very busy with my career. I hope to get back to helping my wife by Thursday. Caffeine Intake - Over 200mg today. Not going the right direction! Daily Prayer Time - I have several people in my family and church who are suffering physical ailments. I took time throughout the day and had prayer for them. I will have another prayer time before bed and have prayer for different members on this site who are struggling. Daily Bible Reading - Church today. I usually do not read on Wed or Sun. I meditate on the message and text from our Pastor. General Thoughts for the Day - Today was a very good day. I did not do as much work as I would like to have done but I had a lot of fun. I enjoyed my time out with my wife. I really enjoyed working on the bodybuilding group in the groups section. Btw, it is open to anyone on this forum who would like to join. Any type of discussion on exercise is welcome. The group is all about reaching ones physical goals what ever they may be.
Day 5 Lust Related Battles - None today! Personal Time - I was extremely busy today. I did take frequent breaks to play Animal Crossing. May seem silly for a 40 year old man but it helps me unwind. I worked some on the Bodybuilding Group today. I had about a 20 minute weight workout. 20 minutes hot tub after. Personal Development - Studied up on supplements to help my current health problems. Home and Property Improvement - No time today. I was extremely busy with work again. Rebuilding my Business - Very busy with work but helped my wife update 17 product listings. We are getting there! I should have a light day of work tomorrow and hope to help her get a bunch done. Sales and profit are moving in the right direction! Caffeine Intake - Less than 150 today. Moving in the right direction again. Daily Prayer Time - I prayed throughout the day. I will be having a special time of prayer tonight for those here who are struggling. One in particular is going through a real tough time. Daily Bible Reading - Going to read more of 1 John tonight. Will be moving bible reading time to morning from here on out. General Thoughts for the Day - This style of journaling is helping me to stay grounded. The things above are extremely important to me and seeing how I do each day is helping me to mold my life. It helps me see what I done well and it helps me see what I need to do more work on. I've found that I (and people in general) are creatures of habit. I've also found that it takes time to replace old habits with new and good ones. I just want to get a little better every day!
Day 6 Lust Related Battles - Unwanted dreams again last night. Once I got up, they faded quickly. Do not remember them now thankfully. Personal Time - Had lunch with a family member. Done some research for my upcoming training cycle(If my health permits). Personal Development - I suppose the research I done today would qualify for personal development. The research I done today was very productive. Home and Property Improvement - None today Rebuilding my Business - I helped my wife update about 50 product listings. Good day! Caffeine Intake - I would say around 120mg. Doing better! Daily Prayer Time - I had prayer multiple times through the day asking God for direction with my health. Prayed for some family members going through health struggles. Daily Bible Reading - Still studying the book of 1 John. General Thoughts for the Day - Today was a productive day. I got my bible reading done earlier instead or waiting until later in the day. I'm working through some health issues. As I mentioned, I had a couple bad UTI this year. I also discovered problems with my gallbladder. I am taking a supplement that is suppose to be very good. I've researched quite a bit and feel good about it. I am suppose to see the doctor soon. I had wanted to do a training cycle similar to the old Colorado Experiment but may put that off a bit. I have to get my health in order before stressing my body with intense physical activity. I feel like I am moving the right direction but I do not like dealing with doctors and do not seem to deal with them well. I seek prayer that God will work all of this out and that I will have patience and understanding.
Day 7 Lust Related Battles - Done good today Personal Time - Played a little bit of video games. Personal Development - Studied some more on supplements Home and Property Improvement - None today Rebuilding my Business - None today Caffeine Intake - Around 100mg. Doing better Daily Prayer Time - I had prayer for family members and some I went to church with. Daily Bible Reading - None today General Thoughts for the Day - I am late posting this. I had something come up last night and I just forgot. I spent most of the day at church. We had some events for the community and got things ready for service Sunday. I had a really good day. I thoroughly enjoyed my time at church and my help in the community events. There are a lot of people struggling in my community. There is not a lot to do and not many people who do things for the community. Those who came to the church had a really good time and I could tell that the hearts of many were touched. I walked away wishing I had done much more. Lord willing, next event I will!
Day 8 Lust Related Battles - More invasive dreams. I will pray about this situation before going to bed. Personal Time - My wife and I spent a lot of time together today. Also Easter dinner with family. Personal Development - None today Home and Property Improvement - None today Rebuilding my Business - None today. I take Sunday off. Caffeine Intake - Slipped today. Not sure how much I consumed. Daily Prayer Time - I prayed for family, friends, and those struggling here. I also went forward at prayer time and had my pastor pray with me for the health struggles I am going through. Daily Bible Reading - Just the passages from church today. General Thoughts for the Day - We had a really good day and Easter. We started with sunrise service, breakfast at the church, and then regular service time. My wife and I went to lunch together and then a late Easter dinner with my family. It was a good, laid back day.
I'm just doing a regular post tonight. My day was almost completely tied up with work and doctors. I didn't even get all my regular work done but tomorrow is another day. I am very pleased to report that all the results I got back today were good news. I still have some more results to come back later. I ask those who will to please pray that the rest of the results come back good as well. I am so tired right now. I'm heading to bed early.
Just a simple post today. I got back all of my test results today and was given a clean bill of health. It seemed an infection caused some of my numbers to go crazy for a bit. The doctors were afraid I had become a diabetic. Now that infection has cleared up, I was tested to their full capacity and it appears I have better numbers than most teenagers. I first and foremost thank God for answering prayer. I thank all of you that prayed for me. My day consisted of working, some posting and messaging on the site, praying for others, a weight workout, and just spending time in rest and gratitude. I plan to resume my more detailed journaling tomorrow.
Just a regular post again. I did not post last night thought I fully intended on a detailed post. Yesterday got a little crazy. The day was busy to begin with and then a friend needed help. I helped him and was glad I did. It was something that needed done. On to this morning, I want to share a couple thoughts. I've been hit and miss with hygiene and self care for years. What I mean by that is brushing my teeth, taking care of my skin(I've had acne my whole life), etc. I started back yesterday doing my morning self care regimen. Starting in to it, I thought "What are you doing"? I have a poor self image and often I think instead of taking 15 minutes to care for my body I should be working or doing something for someone else. I could feel the hand of God in that moment and I kept rubbing the lotion on my face. My body is the temple of God and God gave His only begotten Son for my sins and for my redemption. I also feel guilty when I go to the gym or buy something like a container of protein powder. I think I should be using the time and money for something else. Again, I know these thoughts are wrong. I must work to overcome them. Neglecting and abusing my body is how I got into all the health situations of the last year. I have been planning a very interesting training cycle for some time that will last for about 45 days. I almost canceled it because of something else I thought I needed to do for someone else. This is a thing that many people could and should do if they will just step up! I realize I have spent most of my life telling everyone else "Yes" and myself "No". Yes, I do need to help others. I have to take a little time for me and I have to take care of my body.
It's the whole "airplane mask" thing: First, put on your own mask, and then you will be able to help others put on theirs. In the same way, we must first take care of ourselves (proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc.), or we will be in no shape to be of any help to anyone else. Terrific insight!
