Living a New Life

Thank you for these words. The "Airplane Mask" makes complete sense. For the last few years, I've been trying to please many people around me while running on fumes. It then got to the point where I was so run down I couldn't help anyone. My health failed me and I was laid up for a few months! Of all the people I helped, only one person helped my wife and I. It was a person whom I have done little for. I'm not trying to in any way advocate "Give to Get". I now see clearly how important it is to take care of one's self.

 

Thank you for sharing that verse. I never considered Matthew 7:5 but it makes perfect sense. If we are not well ourselves we will be in no condition to help others.

 

I'm going to give up the detailed journaling I was doing a few days ago. It is not working for me. It feels too robotic. Perhaps I will find a way to do that in my personal journaling. I feel better just sharing my thoughts for the day on this site. Though I don't personally know anyone here, you all are family to me. We all struggle, heal, and learn together.

I went to church today. The lesson fit me well. I made some decisions today to let go of a lot of my past. For one, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some of those mistakes haunt me to this day. I gave those things to God and am trusting Him for forgiveness and to help me move forward.

This one may sound silly but I am moving on and forgiving a lady whom I have utterly despised for about 35 years. I do not even know who this person is. Long story short, Mom, dad, and I visited a home when I was somewhere around 6 years old. There were several adults and kids there. There was also a miserable, cranky old woman who would yell at any kid who moved or said anything. I have no idea why but all I know was I sat there in my mom's lap terrified to even move for a couple hours. Mom and dad said nothing.... In the past, I often thought about trying to figure out who that was and go have a little chat now that I am grown up. That thought is ridiculous. The lady is likely gone by now. Interesting how well you can remember how someone hurt you as a defenseless child! Dad seemed oblivious to the whole incident. If my child or any child was being done that way we would be up and out of there. My child would have been protected from the wretched, blooming idiot!

I've often explored the subject of bullying in my life. I was not only bullied at school but also by certain family members, a couple cousins, and let's not forget; my own dad. I realize today that as a child, I had no one I could run to for protection. My own dad was one who victimized me and mom would not even as much as stand up for herself. It was just me as a little child trying to survive and stay safe any way I could. Just a few examples of things I am moving on from with God's help. Things I have held on to for much too long! I don't suppose I can ever forget those incidents but I can move on and not let them have power over me. Just for example, I am smart enough now to know that the old woman who was being mean to us kids was bitter blooming idiot. I doubt any of the other kids was traumatized by that moron but they probably had much different living conditions than me.

No doubt one of the main reasons I was drawn to bodybuilding was this bullying that I dealt with as a child. Now, I've come to love the sport. Before, the sport was attached to a degree to the bullying I endured. Now, I believe one of the first steps to healing is to separate the sport from my past and sincerely enjoy the sport as it was intended. With that said, I started a new routine yesterday that is very similar to "The Colorado Experiment". Though bodybuilding is almost unheard of where I live, I have a few people in the area interested. I have some who are watching and following my progress. Maybe I can help them a bit?

Today was a bit emotional for me. I am going to take the rest of the day and have some quiet time to process and put some of these things to rest.

 

Just a update to my thoughts on Sunday. I spoke about a woman who had traumatized me when I was very young. I had to take mom to the doctor so I took a opportunity to ask her about this situation that happened so long ago. Turns out the abuser was most likely a great aunt that I did not know I had. Interesting enough, this lady died about 2 months before I made this post. She was nearly 100 years old! Mom gave me some info that made things make a little more sense. I found out that dad completely and utterly despised this lady. This is probably why he just ignored her. He was there to see his uncle. Apparently they had their differences when dad was young. Mom told me that though she got along with her, she was generally not a very nice lady. She spent the last 15 or so years in a facility with dementia. Who knows why she was the way she was. I've put this incident behind me and forgiven the lady.

We continue to work on our online business. We are getting things done and this business is moving in the right direction. I plan to work some this week getting the yard caught up. That has been something I have neglected for years. It will be nice to have it cleaned up again.

 

Day 31

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

I've shared with my AP for the last couple days that I have been struggling with getting my work done. I worked a half a day today and dedicated the rest of the day to prayer and thought. I decided to re-write my schedule again which I did. I realized while writing it that a schedule will do you no good if you do not follow it. A plan is of no benefit if you do not go through with it. Both activities are a complete waste of time unless one follows through.

I suppose another reason I am a little down is a close friend of mine is going through some health struggles. These struggles are pretty much driving the last nail in the plans he had for his life. This is a man who for over 20 has took courses, seminars, made plans, schedules, budgets, affirmations and whatever else but never did move into what he wanted to do with his life. I can look over my life and say that I have done much of the same for the last 20 years. I hope my friend recovers and does amazing things with his life. I think he will!

Now this leaves the subject of me. I prayerfully wrote out my new schedule today. Now I must follow it. If I need to make a adjustment, I will prayerfully make the adjustment. Every day I am getting older. I don't want to let time keep slipping by and find myself in a situation like my friend is now. This is a big wake up call for me.

One thing I can say that is NOT in my schedule is any time to lust, any time to aimlessly browse the internet, scroll on social media, mourn the past, and recall past mistakes. I do not know how much time I have left on this earth so I must make a change and do things differently now. I will send a copy of my schedule to my AP and seek his help staying consistent. I'll update in my journal as well.

 

Day 54

Bit of a Slump

Life has been challenging as of late. I've been chatting with my AP about most of these issues but thought I should update here as well. There are a lot of people in my family sick right now. Mom has to have a very serious surgery soon. I have a sister who is not doing well at all and just found out is facing multiple surgeries. I have a nephew that is barely clinging to life. These are all bad enough things but to add to it, tensions have flared within the family and some harsh words have been said. One of my brothers is breaking down mentally. I've been trying to spend time with him and encourage him. Outside of helping to meet needs of family, I have been very withdrawn in life and here on the forum.

I have discovered that stress and problems are the biggest trigger to me. These last few weeks have really been a draw back to my old lifestyle. I see now that my habit was more of an escape from life. As I have shared before, I have no desire for another woman and I do not desire any type of relationship outside of my wife. I am not triggered in real life by other people. My habit was and is strictly limited to images on a screen (or what was once on a magazine page). I guess it was an escape as a child from a tough home to grow up in and the escape carried over to adult life. I've learned much about myself through this and it helps me understand my struggle more.

In addition to being temped to look at P online, I have been consuming way too much caffeine, neglecting exercise, slacking on work, and just being withdrawn. At a time when my family needs me most, I must pick myself up and keep moving forward. I intend to get back to regular posting here on the site, get back to exercise, start chipping away at the caffeine habit again, get excited about the work opportunities I have, give more grace to my family members because we are all hurting and scared, and of most importance keep working on a lifetime of sobriety.

 

I just noticed I have 60 days on the counter again. I’m glad to see that! I have had 60 days a few times since I’ve been here. This time around is different. Usually on day 60 it still feels like warfare. I can say that right now I have no desire for any P.

What is my takeaway? The whole time I have been here on the site I have been putting in daily effort and it is paying off. I am healing a little bit every day. Will I ever be tempted again? Probably. Will I give in again? I don’t plan to. No matter what tomorrow holds I will continue to fight. I am determined to be completely healed and leave P behind forever. I plan on this streak being the one.

I haven’t been posting as much. I do come on here and read every day. I have a habit of liking every post I read. I do that just to let others know someone is following and cheering them on.

I haven’t been posting as much because I have been living more. I continue to put in the hours working on the online business. I’ve been away from the gym for a few weeks and need to get started back soon. I’ve been looking after the health needs of my mom and brother. Still working to kick the caffeine habit. That one is tough! I plan to post again soon.

 

Thank you so much for your prayers! I've never seen a time when so many of my loved ones are so seriously sick. I really appreciate you!

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement!

 

Thank you all for having me as a part of the group. I really enjoy the time spent here and hope to spend more time here.

 

Thank you so much. You can do it. Healing takes time. Hang in there!

 

Just a update. I am still doing well and continue to recover. I haven't posted much lately due to my mom being sick and needing a lot of care. I'm very thankful for the recovery I have under my belt so far. Taking care of mom would have been much more difficult if I was in the previous depths of my addiction. I would have probably been running back to addiction to try to numb things over and I wouldn't have been as effective in my care.

I've found that healing from addiction is a process. As I heal and gain more sobriety, I realize all that addiction has cost me. I realize the hurt I have caused my wife, the time I have wasted, the things I have left undone, the opportunities I have missed, etc. I've found it best to process these slowly and one at a time. Once processed, I look to my future. Sure, I am in my 40's with years of addiction but I probably have a lot of good years left. I will keep pressing ahead with my recovery and make the best of the time I have left.