Living With Shadow(accountability journal)

I regretted coming back here thinking that it would be to no avail. Thinking that the whole point would be contradicting to the very reason I am writing this but already there is this relief being had from just thinking of how much I need to catch up. How much I need to put down but first I will start with the reason for my doing this since my why is important. My mission statement/objective for achieving a sober life away from aimless indulgence and pornography addiction.

"I wish to be sober from pornography to be able to have the clarity of mind to determine the direction of my life."

That's what came up just now. I would also add at the end that I would love for my life to be worthwhile that when I wake up every day I am not waking up in bondage or fear of my shadow which has been conjured to be both a prevailing and seemingly unstoppable figure in my life. Pornography has reaped many a good things in my life...to say that I am without light is perhaps overdramatic but it has taken the color out of some of the best situations in my life. I believe the confrontation of my shadow self each and every day will allow me to move beyond this feeling of deplorableness. My shadow as I define it is:

"Everything that I wish not to be manifested in a contorted and untraceable form."[

At first (and still...I thought why would I want to embrace my shadow. I don't even want to look to closely really at it. That's probably why I absolutely abhorred doing my written first step. I remember the sensation being akin to me relapsing with pornography consecutively within a day. Then I thought to myself...
lets go act out to make this feeling go away.
I never quite got over that. Especially because of how exhausting and demanding the first step was. It made me realize how much in opposition I was to seeing the ugly parts of my self or what one might consider the dark side of oneself.

Second I must accept that my shadow(being conjured from the age of 6 when I using my caregivers foot to stimulate myself) has matured at exactly the same rate as me. In this acceptance I can begin to understand the Yin and the Yang. Which I could only briefly grasp at such a young age. Being raised Christian I believe and to much degree still believe that as long as I pray and "turn it over" all will be forgiven and expunged. Except- it never worked. I thought to myself maybe I just didn't pray hard enough or truthfully enough or get this shit...God knows if my prayer is legitimate or illegitimate ahead of time so that's why he doesn't bother listening. Much like the boy who cries wolf I thought. All of these were illogical and really didn't make much sense when I began to sit in silence by myself for more than 5 minutes. I began to understand that my life view on prayer and meditation had been greatly tainted by invading doctrines and fallacies from members of my church. I hadn't asked the most obvious question, "Why does this behavior exist and why does it keep growing?"

Nah homie, fck that. Let's go play some video games (shadow)
Let's call up that girl in another state even though you have work tomorrow (shadow)
Let's eat junk food even though you are trying to break into the fitness industry (shadow)
Let's sleep in and wallow in despair like a punk, mark ass b****. (definitely shadow)

Pornography has augmented this dark entity that is absorbed with being self-indulgent. I say augmented because if I recall this being has bore into fruition from a very young age. I thought to myself how easy it would be to off myself a couple times when the cords of chaos started to strum way too loud and it's true this in itself is a terrific solution to escape the shadow in this life time but another thought approached saying, "what will you do in the next." I'm not going to claim it was some prophet oracle architecture that visited me or anything but I panicked and quickly removed the thought after a couple minutes of silent contemplation. The scariest part is I can see this shadow throughout the day. It shines it's head when I am at the grocery store. At the gym, on social media platforms, while I am driving, while I am having sex. The shadow is as destructive as it is spontaneous.

I am in a program that facilitates managing this shadow but it only scratches the surface of the issues at hand. My problems are more deeply rooted and some might argue could only be remediated with intensive therapy or psychiatric application. Sadly, I cannot deny that this might not be the case. I do not wish to take my life nor battle this for an additional decade. The stories I've heard from older men who battle this well into their 60s is both astounding and terrifying. I dare say that the resentment I do possess for them when they express this is actually my fear of ending up like them.

So that is what this place is for. Writing has always helped me to manage the shadow within. It is a place for it to live and to feel accepted. It is a place to discipline it when it begins to spiral out of control as it inevitably does on days. It is a place to express what I can do to make my gold stronger which I will dive into on another account. This journal will serve as the Ying journal while my other account 7thCalvaryReturned will serve as the Yang journal. In this daily tracking I hope to pour the water out of the cup before it overflows so to speak.

I won't be taking the traditional approach in prayer anymore. I believe there is a reason as to why I am not getting anywhere in it. Ushering the same cookie cutter prayers of asking for forgiveness when I am fearful or worse- tired of just relapsing is the same at yawning at my higher power and saying "get to work fatty." A arrogant and ineffective way to yield progress...

Let day 1 begin.

 

Thanks for this brother. I will be trying this going forward. Peace and sober..

 

After foolishly neglecting this outlet I am back. Probably because as things approach there is a feeling desperation and animosity of self surfacing but I will try and get into that a little later. First I will concentrate on how the day is going, and my mental, emotional, and spiritual inventory.

Mentally: Everything feels lethargic and worn down. Like my mind has been running at a 100mph pace when it's only been designed for 15. The feeling of overwhelmingness of the mind is an uncomfortable feeling for man to endure by himself. I dare say that it is impossible for him to overcome it without leaning on something but that might be too far fetched and arrogant of a statement based soley on the exhaustion derived from my trials with this disease and shadow. Right now I am in a state of uncertainty with my career, with the future, with my relationships. I have all this fear attached to my wonder and I can feel it crippling my mind. My mind is also brain fogged from acting out and habitual alcohol consumption which I am looking to get help for by beginning to attend AA meetings. Overall, my mental is in a neutral state but I am sure as the day progresses it might fall under into the negative.

Emotional: I am lonely at moments and hopeless in others. I wonder how long would I have to be like this and how long will my shadow stick around and haunt me. At times disturbed by my callousness towards people I've acted out with. My lack of care for them has created a spirit of animosity from them and I can feel it. These people did not deserve the treatment that I rendered them but I did anyways because it was all I could regard as enough for the situation. In truth it was far too little and unfair to them. I find myself reminiscing on how things would be if I wasn't such a careless and desensitized individual.

Spiritual: I need to pray more. I need to be connected with my higher power more. I need to stay out of my own head for the best idea and find it in my higher power. I need humility to understand that although I might think I can will my own solution it does not guarantee that it is going to be the most effective.

What can I do today?
I can workout
I can call an employee at a facility I might be working in if I abandon IT
I can take a walk and not sit inside and fantasize all day
I can call people and talk to them about this
I can go to an AA meeting
I can edit the videos of me working out
I can be kind to others and treat them with respect not expecting anything back
I do my laundry and make sure my bedding has clean sheets
I can clean the back of my car
I can read something inspiring and workout my brain for the better instead of the worse
I can get honest about something I really don't want to talk about.

Be back tomorrow...hopefully.

 

God gave me one day.

Today's topic in the rooms was letting God intervene instead of relying on my own unsteady and wavering willpower. Hearing this is absolutely kryptonite to my soul because my ego and besting thinking is a leading catalyst to why I often relapse. Accepting that I am an utter fool who doesn't know what he's doing when dealing with my shadow is going to be essential. I may piece some things together but the moment I presume that there is nothing for me to turn to, to alleviate my stress and anxiety I will always relapse. Just some takeaways...anyways on to todays' inventory. Not sure how long I should follow this format but for now it's proving to be exceedingly useful.

Mental: I woke up sober today. Dear I say I woke up feeling healed after last night. I had a very intimate and personal moment with my higher power. In some ways it felt performative but it also felt really pure and honest for once. I didn't plan to be up until 3AM nor did I really want to. The anxiety and paranoia of not being able to focus today on the huge task that I have to make a dent on at work was overwhelming. Somehow it all faded away when I began to hear the New Testament scriptures. My mental is very much better than yesterday but only by like 2-3 points I would say. If yesterday was a 5 today feels like a 7. I have hope that I can be around an 8-9 if I focus and do not lose focus at work and accomplish my tasks.

Emotional: I made that call to the fitness center I have been considering to personally train at in August. It was the best thing I had ever done. I picked up the phone with all the low self-esteem as a result of my consecutive relapsing, but after a few minutes I was able to get a good rapport going between me and the manager. He had already taken keen to me after browsing my social media and seeing what I do so the conversation pretty much worked itself. I just had to remain present and seem genuinely interested in the opportunity which I ended up doing quite well mid-way through the conversation. Today, I feel hopeful and happy. My room is clean, I am on a recovery meeting and I plan to run some errands I have been putting off later as well. There isn't this disturbing gloominess that weighed on my back yesterday.

Spiritual: I finally feel that connection and governance with my higher power. I have returned to the teachings and philosophies of Christ but still harbor a lot of reluctancy about Christian theology but that doesn't matter too much. My energy feels shielded and protected from both myself and other tempting entities that have been leading me down a path of stray. Even as I type this that euphoric video is attempting to take a place in my mind to occupy and disturb me but there is something there as well wrestling with it. I can't quite but my hand on it. All I can say is that there is a force combatting it with me and I believe that is a 24 hour buff in this MMO called Life.

The Shadow: Under close observance. I went out a few times and felt myself glancing at a few women. My mind did not go to lust but I know what my shadow is up to. Trying to creep it's way in situations where it has no use being. I will not seek to master the shadow or eliminate it; both efforts I presume would be to no avail. However, I will try to sooth it's wrath. The fury at which it operates I believe is the same fury that lands people in jail for crimes they never they would imagine they could commit. I must do this and I will do this with the leadership of Christ and therefore the power invested in me.

Amen.