Locking electronic devices or not?

[PhilippB]

Hello brothers,

I hope you have had a good start into the new year!

So I feel deeply into my sexchat and porn addiction again with very extreme content (sissy, extremely submissive, trans, interracial, etc) and it does feel really bad.

I always humiliate myself with the women online. This stems from inner problems that i have. I try to work this out with my therapist.

But the question that I have is following:
Should I lock my Iphone and laptop with screen time and covenant eyes or not?

My devices have been locked since June 2023 and i have alsways found a way to watch porn and access the sexchats sites.

Its also quite frustrating to always have to ask my mum when i have to block newly found sexchat sites and so on.

Its also very annyoing that i cant dowload apps if my phone is locked with apple screen time.

My therapisr also thinks that the locking of my devices wont help me and points out my past failoures ocer the last 7 months that prove his point.


So my phone is without any blockings since some days and i am edging and fallimg into my addiction like every day.
It takes my sleep and i am quite exhausted.

I always tell myself „thid time i will fight the urges“ etc but I always mess up as if I would be remote controlled and have no free will.

What do you think, should I let my mum lock my phone again and try to get some days free from porn and sexchats or should I keep on fighting my me phone without any security locks?

I somehow feel that I have to face my fears now and have to take over responsibility and keep on trying to use my phone like a normal person again.

I am looking forward for your advice!

Thank you!

 

[SuperFan]

Should I lock my Iphone and laptop with screen time and covenant eyes or not?

Yes, absolutely, 100%, without question.

My devices have been locked since June 2023 and i have alsways found a way to watch porn and access the sexchats sites.

How are you accessing porn and chat sites if your devices are locked? Please explain this further.

Its also very annyoing that i cant dowload apps if my phone is locked with apple screen time.

This isn't true. In Apple ScreenTime, you can set it so downloading apps is still allowed, even when content filtering is on.

My therapisr also thinks that the locking of my devices wont help me and points out my past failures ocer the last 7 months that prove his point.

Respectfully, I think your therapist is crazy if he doesn't think a filter will at least help you somewhat. I'm almost tempted to tell you to get a new therapist.

So my phone is without any blockings since some days and i am edging and fallimg into my addiction like every day.

That's exactly what you should expect if you're carrying the world's pornography around in your pocket, ready to be accessed 24/7 without anyone knowing. It's like an alcoholic trying to get sober while sitting in his favorite bar, all day, every day.

What do you think, should I let my mum lock my phone again and try to get some days free from porn and sexchats

You should definitely get your phone locked down, but why does it have to be your mom? My friend, you're 26 years old. Don't you have another guy who's around your age who also struggles with this? Someone who you could be an accountability partner for, and vice versa? I just wonder if having your mom do it wouldn't make you feel like a child who can't control himself--but if you have a trusted friend, now you're a mature person taking the initiative to better his own life.

 

[UlyssesResists]

I've been using Covenant Eyes for 6 months and have been clean for 5. Yes there are ways around it and you can uninstall it at any time and lie to your accountability partner about it. If you are serious about stopping and really want to turn your back on it, it will work, but you have to be 100% in. If you install it with the intention of trying to figure out a way around it, you will find a way around it. Paying for it helps me because I know I'm investing in this and to remove it is like paying for a gym and not using it. It makes it a waist of money and it makes me a loser. Personally, I know I am too addicted to go without it. I tried for many years and had on and off success (mostly off). Now, I want it and I know I need it because acting out was harming my brain and body too much. I'm going to protect myself and the software. Now I'm enjoying the benefits of a clean mind, sleep, and self respect so much, I don't want to go back.

I also recommend going to a step group like SA SAA or Celebrate Recovery, those are great places to find an accountability partner. I'm not sure I would trust someone here, but if you know them well, you can try.

 

[PhilippB]

Yes, absolutely, 100%, without question.

Thanks for your answer!

To be honest I only have one friend and I don‘t knownif I can trust him or want to.

I know its not the best in getting my mom
involved like this even if I have a good relationship with her.

Speaking about my therapist I have to defend him
here he is only speaking the truth that I relapsed like every 6-14 days and that I have to learn living with my phone unlocked and tackle the underlying problems.

I have to see ane try new ways of beating the addiction.

How are you accessing porn and chat sites if your devices are locked? Please explain this further.



This isn't true. In Apple ScreenTime, you can set it so downloading apps is still allowed, even when content filtering is on.



Respectfully, I think your therapist is crazy if he doesn't think a filter will at least help you somewhat. I'm almost tempted to tell you to get a new therapist.



That's exactly what you should expect if you're carrying the world's pornography around in your pocket, ready to be accessed 24/7 without anyone knowing. It's like an alcoholic trying to get sober while sitting in his favorite bar, all day, every day.



You should definitely get your phone locked down, but why does it have to be your mom? My friend, you're 26 years old. Don't you have another guy who's around your age who also struggles with this? Someone who you could be an accountability partner for, and vice versa? I just wonder if having your mom do it wouldn't make you feel like a child who can't control himself--but if you have a trusted friend, now you're a mature person taking the initiative to better his own life.

 

[PhilippB]

Yes, absolutely, 100%, without question.



How are you accessing porn and chat sites if your devices are locked? Please explain this further.



This isn't true. In Apple ScreenTime, you can set it so downloading apps is still allowed, even when content filtering is on.



Respectfully, I think your therapist is crazy if he doesn't think a filter will at least help you somewhat. I'm almost tempted to tell you to get a new therapist.



That's exactly what you should expect if you're carrying the world's pornography around in your pocket, ready to be accessed 24/7 without anyone knowing. It's like an alcoholic trying to get sober while sitting in his favorite bar, all day, every day.



You should definitely get your phone locked down, but why does it have to be your mom? My friend, you're 26 years old. Don't you have another guy who's around your age who also struggles with this? Someone who you could be an accountability partner for, and vice versa? I just wonder if having your mom do it wouldn't make you feel like a child who can't control himself--but if you have a trusted friend, now you're a mature person taking the initiative to better his own life.

Thats what I wanted to say, sorry for that:

Thanks for your answer!

To be honest I only have one friend and I don‘t know if I can trust him or want to.

I know its not the best in getting my mom
involved like this even if I have a good relationship with her.

Speaking about my therapist I have to defend him
here he is only speaking the truth that I relapsed like every 6-14 days and that I have to learn living with my phone unlocked and tackle the underlying problems.

He also says that if I lock my devices then there will always be this „forbidden fruit“.

I have to see and try new ways of beating the addiction.

 

[SuperFan]

he is only speaking the truth that I relapsed like every 6-14 days and that I have to learn living with my phone unlocked and tackle the underlying problems.

Why do you have to learn to live with your phone unlocked? Who made that rule? I never plan to have an unlocked phone, ever ... because I know myself and I know the issue I have with pornography when it's available to me. So to whatever extent is within my power, I make it unavailable.

Imagine if you were addicted to alcohol, and your counselor said, "you need to learn to live around alcohol without drinking it, therefore you should sit in a bar all day, every day." Or telling a gambling addict to hang out near the slot machines and poker tables as much as possible. It would be a recipe for disaster, and possibly death.

Essentially your therapist is saying, "You need to learn to live around porn, therefore you should have access to the all the porn in the world, in your pocket, 24 hours a day." Respectfully, it's insanity to me.

 

[PhilippB]

Why do you have to learn to live with your phone unlocked? Who made that rule? I never plan to have an unlocked phone, ever ... because I know myself and I know the issue I have with pornography when it's available to me. So to whatever extent is within my power, I make it unavailable.

Imagine if you were addicted to alcohol, and your counselor said, "you need to learn to live around alcohol without drinking it, therefore you should sit in a bar all day, every day." Or telling a gambling addict to hang out near the slot machines and poker tables as much as possible. It would be a recipe for disaster, and possibly death.

Essentially your therapist is saying, "You need to learn to live around porn, therefore you should have access to the all the porn in the world, in your pocket, 24 hours a day." Respectfully, it's insanity to me.

I get your examples and comparison with alcoholism.

But I think it‘s not the same addiction.

Because you can completely live without alcholos even if its hard due to social gatherings and events.

But in our highly digital world nowadays with home ofgice etc you cant really escape electronic devices.

Problem is that I don‘t want to always habe to ask my mum for downloading apps or getting my laptop.

When my phone is locked I have to block app indtallation because I can surpass covenanz eyes and screen time with it.

I also need my laptop for my studies that start in September.

I think the solution really is trying and learning to live with my devices in peace.

 

[SuperFan]

you can completely live without alcholos even if its hard due to social gatherings and events.

But in our highly digital world nowadays with home office etc you cant really escape electronic devices.

Yes, but you don't need those devices to have full access to porn.

Problem is that I don‘t want to always have to ask my mum for downloading apps or getting my laptop.

When my phone is locked I have to block app indtallation because I can surpass covenanz eyes and screen time with it.

Apple's internal web content filtering happens at the root level--it will block porn regardless of what apps you download. I have porn 100% blocked on my iPhone and I can download pretty much any app I want.

I also need my laptop for my studies that start in September.

I think the solution really is trying and learning to live with my devices in peace.

Well, I sincerely wish you the best, but it sounds like you're making lots of excuses to not do the one thing that makes recovery much easier.

 

[CodeTalker]

I completely ditched any kind of virtual lock on electronic device because it's not effective. I take it as a challenge to bypass the lock and I always succeed.

What I do use from time to time though is a physical lock. You can buy time lock that will lock your device for x amount of hours and it can help getting through an urge. Also I scheduled my wifi to be cut off after a certain hour of the day. That last trick especially helped me a lot because I used to watch porn in the middle of the night.

 

[UlyssesResists]

I understand, I am an IT guy and can figure out how to get around and troubleshoot most problems. The problem with that is I am literally fighting against myself and my better interest when I do that. I'm paying good money for this service, why would I want to ruin it's effectiveness and destroy my sobriety just to prove I'm smarter. That's actually pretty dumb.

The time lock sounds interesting, but ultimately you are only being accountable to yourself, meaning you can decide at anytime to bypass. What I like about Covenant Eyes, is my friend and sponsors knows what I'm viewing, knows if I uninstall it, or it stops reporting, and can call me out on it. That's really the extra motivation I need. I know he's too busy to actually monitor this stuff hard, but knowing that he could is enough. Also, if I ask him to, he will.

 

[Deleted Account]

Personally, blockers are not as important as accountability software, and having a real life accountability person you can meet with face to face.

 

[Be Inspired]

I am a 40 years old male and day 142 of no PMO

I do not use Covenant eyes or lock my devices but I use very strict boundaries around social media

In my experience people who rely solely on blockers do not fare well.

Also if you rely on blockers but then casually browse social media, that seems counter productive