Loneliness, Extreme Porn Addiction, Total Absence of Love and relationship problems with Girls

Introduction info:

" Patience (to read and understand) is the companion of wisdom. "
My post is long but it´s necessary.


Hello everyone,

I tried to post my topic on reddit but it seems like it didn´t work. I posted on another forum and faced numerous Trolls mocking me.....I reported them but still.....those people have nothing esle to do in their live...

I will try to do it here then, let´s hope people think before acting here.

I am addicted to porn since I am 13 yo but my porn addiction went literally out of control 10 years ago (more and more hardcore...).

I usually read about couples who have a really hard time to struggle with porn, or suicide problems etc....this shows at which point PORN is really a terrible issue. And still a Taboo....

Still, we are not here to be religious and cast out evil with a cross...and be pure and white because each of us still has " bestial primitive instincts" we cannot avoid.

But the reasons of a terrible porn addiction can be various, here is mine: GIRLS.

Since I was a teen I felt I was was cursed.

At the college, I arrived at the age of 13 as a new classmate in a class of 28.

Everyone knows today that in a class there a groups composed of : a Shepherd who guides and controls the lambs (The Strong), lambs who follow the Shepherd without any conscience (the Weak....) and there are also " Observers" (the discrete) and " Outcasts" (the damned).

As I got a warm welcome from my classmates and arrived late (School had begun for a month allready) I was immediately promoted to be the Sheperd´s Dog but with time, I eventually grew so bored of those Lambs (too childish) that I quit and preferred being a Wanderer.

Actually without knowing it....I became immediatly an Outcast.

The whole class was against me...and the Girls were the most violent. I got insulted bullied and even beaten up by the Girls....they did things to me I can´t even describe here...

OF course one day I took justice into my own hands and fought against 3 girls...who kicked me hard while I was peeing in the Boys toilet (they knew I was there...), we got into a brutal fight and they got what they deserved, but they didn´t miss me either... On top of that, I got kicked out of School for a week....search for a logic here......yeah you stopped searching because there is none....

Those 2 years I endured (insults, permanent violence, bullies etc...), literally changed my whole vision and relationship toward Girls. I was trying to avoid them more and more...no wonder.

Eventually around the age of 20, at the University you think that...people might be more mature....respectful...have some empathy and think before reacting. Boy was I wrong.

During all my years as a student, I was quite astonished to see that Girls actually came towards me! Was that a sign of victory where actually I didn´t even started anything ?

Actually no, this was nothing else than another circle of manipulation I went through....I had excellent marks and those girls didn´t so....with a few seductive strategies they always got what they wanted from me to get to my notes, books etc..... (actually even with that help they failed....but I still lost more than they did...).

It took time for me to understand that actually nothing changed in my life and I would never meet just a simple, nice girl with a clear head, clear ideas...just being normal and respectful, talk about many subjects.

Some Girls I tried to go out with would say " You are a really nice guy and all but...I allready have a BF....or let´s be friends" (yeah sure.....everyone knows what that means...) without even trying to TAKE THEIR TIME and understand who I am.

THIS amplified my stress, my loneliness...The idea that even a simple "Boy to Girl relationship" wasn´t possible led me to find a " replacer " to fill the huge hole in my soul that I was carrying since I was a teenager.

And facing all those disappointments, those failures, suddenly I thought an " ANGEL " fell from the sky but actually it came from Hell and boy was my vision blurred to notice it, but it was too late.

This is how PORN became my Girlfriend....

It´s been now 18 years that I am even more addicted than ever.

Do not misunderstand me, I am not a "messy" or some shady person who grew strange manners or else.

I have a clear head, I am very cultivated person, have tons of diplomas and a job I like but.........PORN has a terrifying impact on me:

- I become a stupid zombie in front of my screen...

- My body hurts so much (legs, back, shoulders) because I wouldn´t even see time pass......hence I go take walk several times a day for a few minutes to forget about the pain.

- Porn makes you a " CRAZY RESEARCHER " -> and in fact I am a REAL PRO in searching "rare things"... I find stuff because I search like crazy for hours and hours and hours.

-> It´s an adrenaline kick -> you need NEW THINGS -> you don´t like what you allready know because you are allready bored of it. New STUFF is a NEW DRUG KICK, like a Shot, you need this kick at all costs!

The less you find the more you search, the more you search the more your stress grows....and impacts your mind.

- Waiting each day for updates on tons of websites...

- MAYBE THE WORST THING OF ALL => the complete distortion I have about THE PHYSICAL EXISTENCE OF A GIRL, flesh and bones. A girl seems to be like a LIE or an utterly disgusting SCAM to me. (meaning apart of a nice face, nice words and all ....it is most certainly just a waste of time that will never hold any positive result for me).
Still I watch the body of a girl as if I was a kid....If I am able to see a girl from a reasonable distance, I feel like it´s everytiem the first time I see one and I see that there is a clear difference between pixels and reality but.....I am unable to approach a girl 90% of the time....esepcially if she corresponds to the type of girls I like.

- Thus... " porn girls" seem more enjoyable than real ones. I don´t have " problems" with pixels...pixels are never mad at you or insult you...

Girls became like a sort of an "assassination target" for me.....and I still hold a terrible grudge against all those who hurt me in the past but I can´t avenge myself, there are not here anymore.

It doesn´t mean my scope is to be mad with girls, I just became so extremely cautious because I always fear that this " cycle of hatred" reproduces itself. It´s like a Paranoia.....

It´s been a very long time I haven´t gone out with a girl....just to drink a coffee, a beer, eat at the restaurant (thanks Covid...). I never had sex, no idea what the Hell this is...nor do I know what love is....but my " E-girls are a consolation source for me"......unfortunately and even more than before....

Yeah so...this is how I jumped into a Hell Hole I can´t escape of anymore.....and lost all trust towards GIRLS.



We are alone with " our porn ", our stupid porn, time passes, we are getting older, but buying HDDs to fill them up and repeat. Saving things quick before they disappear but...actually....WE AS PEOPLE are disappearing and we don´t even notice it....as much as your family or friends don´t notice it.

Because this suffering is a suffering in Silence.....

I play Volley-Ball, competition...my playmates are nice, boys and girls, I must say it freed me up a bit but....still not as much as I thought it would. But it will not last long, in a month all Gyms will close until September...

I am still jailed....and If by an incredible RNG Generated luck I meet a girl that is actually nice, comprehensive and I go out with her........and admitted she becomes my GF..............well this is actually where the REAL FIGHT (the real shit actually...) would begin for me......



Dayyum I am not religious but I would light a candle for every porn addict here in the world....
A few hours ago I searched for at least 3 hours...for porn of course.
I don´t know what to do :´(


Thanks for reading me...it was very long but necessary, writing frees up the mind...

Thank you.

 

Well thank you both, Codewild11 and Zeke27 for your answers.
If I tell you that I have synthesized my experience....it means I could have written much more with much much more details (some more important actually to understand the " full spectrum" of all my problems).
A few years ago (5 years ago to be precise) I just walked up outside straight to a girl...just talked ot her, she seemed to search for a certain shop. I helped her find it. Well we ended up discussing and with time we went out 9 times during a time-span of 5 months, going to coffees and restaurants. I felt good and happy.
It was a french girl.....yes a "french girl"...until she spoke very discretly russian...
Boy was she surprised when I immediately spoke to her in russian.....that was the beginning of another "adventure" I really didn´t want to be part of. Usually russian girls are know to be "money pits", I saw right and it could have been worse actually.

Until this moment I totally swore myself I just would never try to go out with any girl....at all.
Well, I am still sentimentally lonely but I have my Skateboard, my Music and the Sun -> Skating makes you happier than ever but still it doesn´t cure my porn addiction....that again comes back to me like a boomerang...


To Garek:
Like I said, I didn´t write everything, it would be a huge book (longer than what I will write you). And I let among the most painful parts away...
The problem is Garek that you are judging too fast without knowing the real context of the events I went through. You make it look like I am just playing the victim and putting all the blame on girls but it´s not true. Until you feel and see with your own eyes how evil incarnate is....you can´t guess it.

When I speak about Girls, then it´s Girls, you can´t say that females between 13 and 20 are women ? Especially today.....where people are so judgmental and speak too fast, "women in their 30´s are sometimes mentally more teenage girl than women while some teenage girls have the maturity of an adult, choosing their words wisely than we think".

The type of Girls (18+) I met where:
- quite childish, immature.
- less educated than me.
- had less diplomas and spoke less languages than me -> thus I attracted interest by many of them....and certainly not in a sensual or sexual way.
- were very manipulative and some of them really evil to an extent I couldn´t even represent myself......(can´t give details here because it would look like it´s a Psycho Sci-Fi where unfortunately it´s reality...).

Summed up, those were the " 2 I.Q. Bimbo types" but with very clear goals...that were obviously hidden...and If I discovered them it was too late for me.

I payed the price many times (huge loss of time, loss of money, theft of University books...) were actually things could have gone just...normally. It took me time to understand how such manipulations work and I have been able to fight back in a much more intelligent way but I had (and still have) to live with what happened to me and those memories are not easy to forget.
The memories stay in my head...even if I make efforts and try not to see a girl as an enemy, I remember everything. A word, a gesture, an expression make me remember the worst parts of my past.
Bad memories are more anchored than good ones, unfortunately.

Concerning Porn:
There are 2 cases -> extreme porn addicts but who live with their soulmate and also have friends (man or woman) AND extreme porn addicts who live alone, have a few friends and whose soulmate is porn.
The second case which is mine, denotes the fact that Pornography is the illusion of an emotionnal wellbeing that helps me withstand the pain of my memories and the lack of happiness due to my rare contact with girls.

I have no other solution for the moment. I just try to keep my head a bit clear with sport, talking regular walks outside, watching Netflix movies, documentaries,.......until " the urge" comes back...

 

Looks like the " passion of writing is taking more over than porn itself "...

Absolutely, you are totally right.
Education today is not the same as it was 15-20 years ago. Of course, youngsters who are mean...they always existed, in the 60´s, 70´s, 80´s...This won´t change.
Society rules...whoever shaped them and using the excuse " it´s like that " force us to behave against our own will and convictions.

What literally destroyed human relationships and especially amongst younger people (adults shouldn´t be excluded either) is the appearance of the Smartphone, a new "Nintendo gameboy" worse than a gameboy actually.
The Smartphone, whatever function it has, acts even more as a distanciation tool. Of course it´s only the users fault....exactly like for porn addiction. But it´s too tempting...

How many times have you seen yourself speaking to a girl whose face is literally digging into her smartphone´s screen ? How are you supposed to talk to girls like that, who listen to you with a chunk of their ears and repeat each time " sorry what were you saying ? ". You cannot hook with such people to build a relationship....

I remember 20 years ago...we had Nokias but we were not this addicted that we spent our whole time on the phone. And people spoke TOGETHER with each other.
The phone was revolutionnary of course but it was more a last resort tool for urgencies or else.

A huge part of people today are generally very stressed, have a huge lack of patience (here we can only mention EDUCATION, EDUCATION and EDUCATION!) they want things to go fast, they want it right now!
Now read this -> for those people " There is NO TIME for TIME."
That is the hard truth. People do not give time to time! Add education problems to this (not really smart, often good souls but poor parents or exhausted parents unable to reason their Crysis child...) and you encounter Girls like THIS.

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT HERE -> I have been told by a few girls I wanted to go out with one day that..." I am too intellectual, too sophisticated and that it would hamper the relationship between us ". They didn´t want to "destroy our relationship" so they broke up our " friendship" (it wasn´t really a friendship...) to remain comrades.......The second I heard this I just fell from all heights in the World....Logic please?

Those excuses are so unheard, humanly impossible and still they are here and you really ask yourself what is wrong with such people.

I didn´t encounter girls who were only mean but jealous. Because I would be able to speak about so many different subjects and with passion, were they would just stand still and say nothing...or change subject because they knew their (intellectual) limit.

Yes, unfortunately I got ZERO LUCK.

I see guys...,my goodness.. the Bulky type...24/24h Gym type, 0 brain but all muscle and talk in the air (of course NOT ALL BUILD GUYS like this are idiots but...still)-> ah they were literally Chick magnets...but then, what type of chick....you see?

And all this really affected me...I gave up hope even if I am confident. I take (I mean I took) things slowly....maybe to slowly sometimes without any " Girl knowhow", and I recon today that it was my fault.

Adding all other bad factors I explained in the main post, the explosive cocktail was ready to burst.
And who arrived ex-nihilo, to rescue me....well "you know who". It´s not like I had much of a choice...

Hopefully, when all this Covid crysis is over...I´ll have to jump again into the " lava pot". I am what you could call a "deception collector" but actually I don´t care anymore, I am used to it, even when it profoundly affects me and I even laugh about that, telling myself " OK, again...that was lost from the start...next one".

At least, even with all those massive problems I go through, I feel a bit stronger and more mature than I ever was before.

 

We have a winner here!
Exactly.
Social medias became as much a " friendship as a distanciation tool ". It´s easy to make " friends" as easy as it is to judge FAST, especially when other sheeps share the same (stupid) ideas, you feel energized, you are part of an illusionnal community sharing all your thoughts. And you get addicted to such a way of life on social medias.
I have completely stopped facebook 9 years ago. For those simple reasons. I can tell you there are still people in 2021..writing me messages...emmm it´s been 9 year I dropped FB, gosh! They still didn´t understand......facebook robs them dayyyum braincells >~>

Our generation has a problem, a BIG PROBLEM. We understand it but not everything affecting youngsters today and the worst is that those problems lead to unpredictable reactions.

And those " virtual problems" are affecting the way humans interact today and actually for the worst.

 

I guess this is Life´s RNG, the devilish Random Generator. Some people are assholes and have / get everything they want. Others behave like normally, respect the law, try to help are friendly, etc....and they get fucked the whole time, literally.
What I fear most is being again in front of a girl who is 100% certain that she is able to " read me " even if I said or did nothing, and instead of speaking with me , will act or negatively or be completely indifferent making any approach impossible for me.
Thus, I will not even achieve the "friend status" let alone the extreme superficial comrade status...

Like I said I don´t even care anymore about that. I´ll buy myself a new skateboard...go find skaters and I go destroying all those freshly build stairs with some well placed 50-50s

Skating will give me peace....and it actually really does. Skating is like Yoga. The happiness coming out of a skating session with others is overwhelming. But it will be temporary unfortunately...as long as I don´t find a GIRL...WITH...A BRAIN...and able ot use it*

*PS: It happened ONLY ONCE in my life where I had an increadible relationship with a girl, a foreign girl and we ourselves were in a foreign country. She was from Croatia and she was so beautiful. Of course I told myself " oh crap....a Top model....3 heads taller...really younger than me...go read books man...go read books or take a walk alone..don´t even try".
Boy was I wrong..... She was so sweet and nice and with another guy we had one of the best 5 weeks of our entire life -> eating, drinking, learning a foreign language, cooking together in each ones appartment, bathing on a goddman island where we got after leasing a boat etc..etc..etc..
Ah well good times....