Loneliness from Nofap

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by mrholden, Aug 18, 2019.

  1. mrholden

    mrholden Fapstronaut

    I’m 29. I started nofap in May. 4 weeks felt amazing - relapsed with cocaine and the days following porn porn. Then did 3 weeks - cocaine and porn again. Did another 3 weeks porn moderately for 1-2 weeks and cocaine.
    During this time met and hooked up with two girls but didn’t lead to sex.

    This is the way it has been going. I have also started eating healthy, yoga, excising, reading.

    My current streak started 5th August. I am not experiencing any sort of superpowers or flatline as I did the go.
    Last time I did coke was 14 July.

    I feel massive urge, I really want to fuck, I feel anxiety with girls, I feel irritation and I feel very lonely.

    I have never been very good with girls. I have just realized I have massive fear all my life over girls. I have never asked a girl out fearing rejection. I have never approached a girl in a bar fear of rejection.

    I have been with a lot of girls through my life not crazy but a few. I have had amazing hot girlfriends throughout my 20s, short and long relationships. But now I have not had sex for 6 months since I broke up with my girlfriend.

    I am successful in my job and in life and pretty much happy with every aspect of life and all opportunities I have. But my big issue is girls ! I am afraid and I realize it’s the reason I have done cocaine for confidence, it’s the reason I do porn for anxiety and loneliness.

    Now I feel really lonely, I feel like I am never going to meet someone again cause of my fear and I feel that the best times are behind me.

    I intend this time that nothing will stop me and I want to go on forever without a relapse. I am still hoping for all the great superpowers and overcoming my fears just by hitting the 45-60 day mark. Is this something I can hope for ?

    But I am slowly realizing I must face my fears and start approaching facing rejection to overcome fears that are pulling me back. That this is the only way.

    I don’t know what I wanted to say. I guess I want some type of motivation to keep going, that all I have to do is keep going over 45 days and I will start to feel better, more confident and this will give me the power to go and face my fears to go on to feeling even better.

    Thanks for listening
  2. Stug

    Stug Fapstronaut

    Stimulants make you horny as hell. You get confident if you stick with it (no pmo and drugs) for 3 months straight. Its never the drug addiction but the attachment to the addiction. Nobody is forcing you to use drugs and watch. Imho drugs with porn is harder to quit than anything else and urges can suddenly pop up many months later. I was confronted with this at age of 10 and deal with this most of my life.

    I'm succesfull with woman but i have a disease i cannot have sex or orgasm or i get ill. Years ago i used drugs to get stimdick so i could pm(usually without o) and get some relief. I did this some time ago also but didn't really like it. No pmo makes you more confident and make you grow spiritually.

    Its also pretty silly it doesn't make sense doing pmo

    For me any drug is a gateway drug to pmo. I tried some other things but same effect. I stay away from everything.
  3. TheGambler

    TheGambler Fapstronaut

    All good points, loneliness isn't exclusive to sexual deviants and coke addicts but I think we experience more than the average person. My personality is kinda similar to my drug using self in that my brain operates on overdrive most of the time which is why i got on antidepressants after 15 years of clean time. Otherwise the sexual stuff is basically universal. Which is why my philosophy is that it CAN be controlled by willpower, unlike alcoholism/drug addiction.

    We get hard on ourselves and isolate quickly bc of poor social skills/character in my opinion. So the only way I've found to really improve is to talk to people I trust, which of course is very few. Three biggest enemies to self improvement are: anger, fear, and narcissism.
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    Hoping / wishing for superpowers or some sort of magical quick fix / fantasy situation where everything will solve all your pain and problems is coming from a place of worry / doubt / fear / anxiety / perfectionism / procrastination. The purpose of nofap is to clear space in your life / time / mind / emotions so that you can stop escaping / neglecting / avoiding the problems that you should have been facing from the beginning.

    Reality is full of pain, problems, and negative experiences if you want real pleasures, solutions, and positive experiences. Porn was a way to escape all the negative and to have all the positive, but it becomes empty / numb / depressing because it's not reality. It's overloading you with rewards that you did nothing to earn. You didn't grow as a person to have those simulated instant gratification rewards that required no risks.

    So don't use nofap and the insecure fantasy of having superpowers to escape those problems, pain, and negative experiences like you did with porn and cocaine.

    Your anxiety is a result of being excessively careful in order to not make any mistakes so you can have perfect outcomes. There's no guarantees in reality. You have to do things that might not work. Reality = risks. The more risks you take, the more you'll fail, but also the more you'll succeed. The less risks you take, the less you'll fail, but also the less you'll succeed. That perfectionism mindset of needing guarantees before taking any action leads to your procrastination / anxiety / resistance / fear / worry / doubt. You refuse to take action unless you know that you won't feel any potential pain. That's why you've been sacrificing long term desired outcomes for the sake of short term emotions (which led to the escaping habits of porn and cocaine). The way to succeeding with long term outcomes is to sacrifice short term outcomes. To experience emotional volatility. To bask in / work with / step into / harness tension and uncertainty. To challenge things beyond your current comfort / competence / confidence / experience level.

    Your anxiety / worry / doubt comes from a lack of self belief. Expecting to lose. Fearing emotional pain. Lack of understanding and experience. Circumstances are made not to matter as much by experiencing them more. Repeated experience leads to competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence... but to gain that experience you need repeated courage to take those risks. What you've been doing is releasing that tension by escaping the necessary pain, problems, and negative experiences that will lead to experience / competence / confidence via porn and alcohol. So you never grow as a person. Rewards in reality are a natural consequence of who you've become. At the moment you're the type of person to escape their problems via porn and cocaine... as a result you're rewarded with anxiety and fear. You never really grew as a person because you always escaped. The way to grow is to experience and go through the pain, problems, and negative experiences long enough to change it all to higher quality pleasures, solutions, and positive experiences.

    The difference between fear and excitement... fear is expecting to lose... excitement is expecting to win. The belief that you're going to lose has made you escape reality. The belief that you will (eventually and inevitably) win as a result of taking more risks and failing more will give you the repeated courage to have repeated competence and repeated confidence.

    Interacting with women isn't the problem. The problem is your negative mindset and your habits that feed it.

    Rejection isn't as scary or painful as you believe it to be. You just lack the experience to understand it properly. In your mind rejection is something to be avoided at all costs. In my mind rejection is something that naturally happens because not everyone will be interested in me and not everything works out in life... so I get rejected as quickly as possible by expressing myself honestly so that both parties can move on to people who are actually excited to be with each other.

    Stop waiting for superpowers or some magical thing to save you. Stop hoping and wishing. Stop waiting for day 60, 90, 500, or even day 10. Start facing your pain, problems, and negative experiences today on day 1. If you run away from reality, your counter should be reset to 0.
    Stug likes this.
  5. mrholden

    mrholden Fapstronaut


    First of all thank you for you taking the time to answer. I appreciate it.

    It’s the answer that I knew, and the answer that I did not want. I know and understand everything you are writing.

    All I want is to face rejection because of how good I know it is, it is all logical and makes perfect sense.

    When I think of it I think me stopping drugs and PMO is a way of giving me a better plattform to face that rejection ahead of me. To make it easier. At the same time I realize as soon as something feels easier it is less potential for growth. The only way is to start now, thank you for reminding me.
  6. King Tut

    King Tut Fapstronaut

    minus cocaine and have gfs (never had one and i'm 39), i feel the same way. i even pay men to teach me how to talk to girls and get dates. they push me to approach and i feel great, but one they leave i go back to my lonely life without talking to women. i push myself every now and then, very rarely, to do approaches. and then slip back into my old self not approaching any women. 99% of my approaches go nowhere as i am not that great socially and it's just a dopamine boost when i grow some balls. i basically get no results. just a feelgood pill when i manage to do approaches, just like NoFap. but after, i go back to being alone. that's why some days like today i feel like giving up. but seems like NoFap is a lot easier for me now compared to talking to women. sometimes i feel like i'll never get over this fear.
  7. mrholden

    mrholden Fapstronaut

    You will. I recommend and I think everyone should read about Cognitive Behavior Therapy, if you do not want you don’t have to see a therapist. But getting a good book and doing the tasks would help everyone a lot in every aspect of life.

    The first step is understanding the fear and anxiety
    once it becomes
    familiar the power of it decreases.

    Then it is all about training yourself with your thought, your behavior and your body, changing habits and building new neurological pathways.
    King Tut likes this.

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