Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I have been thinking about starting my own journal here as well. So here it goes. Not gonna write the whole story yet, maybe some current thoughts. Feel free to comment.

    I have been very anxious lately about that the P is everywhere. My boyfriend watched a YouTube video about some gamesite (we both love videogames) and there the guy who told about the games also told that there's a loooot of porn on that site. I was like wtf? Why there has to be porn EVERYWHERE all the time?

    I feel so lonely with this anxiety. I don't have anyone to speak with. I only talk to my boyfriend but I don't speak everything I wanted to, because I try not to attack on him and blame him for nothing, blame him for what other men do. I feel like everyone accepts porn so I feel kinda ashamed if I talked about my porn anxiety to my friend or my mom... I have thought what if I talked to my mom since she is maybe the only one (after my boyfriend) I trust enough to reveal how messed up my head is.

    Maybe I should tell now that it was my ex boyfriend (we were together 6 years, engaged, planning to get married soon etc) was the PA. After him, even though I decided I would never get new relationship bc I was too hurt and broken, I found my best friend, and fell in love with him. He knows how P effects on me and he agrees with everything it is bad for relationship etc etc, so he has promised he would never hurt me like that.

    I'm just wondering how my female friends accepts their boyfriend's/husband's P usage? They all know about it. It feels like I am the only one who isn't fine with it. I remember asking it once, many years ago, some of them said something like "that's men's thing, not so big deal."

    One of my friends many years ago, told that she was thinking what's up with her boyfriend bc he didn't want sex anymore and she found porn sites from his history. I felt like she was a bit hurt back then, but now it seems she is totally fine with it. That was like couple years before I found out my ex is also watching P. I was so naive and thought my sweetheart doesn't do that. How wrong was I!!!!

    Sometimes I think am I just overreacting. Should I just forget. My ex made me feel like I was crazy. I blamed myself for his addiction until I found this site, and read other stories. Reading this site was the first time I felt I wasn't struggling alone. First time I saw that this is huge problem for so many. It was relieving.
     
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  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I would say they either accept it because their bf's P usage isn't an addiction so it doesn't have such a negative impact on their relationship (yet), or they don't yet know that it's an addiction and haven't yet realized its impact. Or, it's possible that they are like many of us SO's, and they don't like it but are suffering in silence. Maybe they haven't gotten the courage to speak up about it yet, or perhaps they're being gaslit and made to believe that any problem is their fault.

    Until I found nofap, I, too, believed I was the only one who felt so hurt by my husband's PMO addiction. You're right...it does seem like everything out there is sexualized in one way or another, and people are led to believe it's acceptable and harmless. Unfortunately, I think the problem will likely get worse before it ever gets better.

    No, you're not overreacting. This is a huge problem for so many couples, and although you're fortunate that your current bf is not a PA, that doesn't negate the damage done to you from your former bf. Have you considered seeing a therapist or anyone who can help you work through your betrayal trauma? This isn't something that typically just goes away.
     
  3. delhiboy

    delhiboy Fapstronaut

    you are not sure if your current boyfriend is watching porn or not? dont be so anxious about this stuff just plainly ask during a conversation if you feel the need. dont create whole situation like "we need to talk about an important stuff" . just in middle of casual talks point the conversation in your desired direction. stay neutral, dont have any preconceived notions about this thing about your current boyfriend.
    as far as your ex is concerned, just leave him, forget him and his habits, focus on current relation.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  4. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    @hope4healing thank you for support :) I have considered going to therapy, it just feels really hard to take the first step and call and ask for help. I'm very much afraid that I get a response like "it's normal for men and maybe you overreact", I know it might sound stupid but I have become very fearful for other people's judgement. I know I need to get over it. My ex's addiction was really bad. He got all the symptoms I read from here, what other PAs are having. And he was very cold emotionally on me. But still kept me for his housekeeper or something, I tried couple years to fix things and tried to talk but all I got back was that "you are crazy, you imagine those problems".

    @delhiboy we have talked about P many times and he knows my opinion on it. I try to trust him that he is honest and doesn't PMO. I mostly trust, but I have bad days when I think back all the lies my ex did, and I get paranoid with him. I wish it was easy to "just forget the past and focus on current relationship". I can't even describe how deeply my ex hurt me, but I know other SOs here know what I'm talking about.
     
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  5. delhiboy

    delhiboy Fapstronaut

  6. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Today I want to open up my past a little bit, some things that might have affected on me negatively. At the moment I have bad issues with my self esteem, but I'm very thankful for my boyfriend, who have the energy to support me on my bad days. I'm thankful for that he always tells me the good things he sees on me, and he is with me in this healing process. The best friend I have ever had.
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    I love my dad but he is not very good man what comes to treating women. Maybe that's why I have chose bad boyfriends when I was younger. My parent's separated when I was 9 years old, my dad was cheating my mom all the time and he was very jealous of mom. My mom couldn't go to do groceries without him blaming her for going to see other men. After dad leaving, he didn't call or anything for a year. I was daddy's girl and he broke my heart.

    In my teens dad was back in my life again. But I remember him commenting women on the street in sexual way for me and it didn't feel nice to me at all. I was just quiet, thinking that isn't ok to hear from my own dad. Maybe it was the first time that made me feel like women are just objects in men's eyes.

    My first boyfriend was kind of normal and didn't do anything that made me feel uncomfortable. It was around I was 14-15 years old.
    The second one really liked every girl he saw. He used to tell me how hot some girl is. And how hot my cousins are. Then I felt like boys just takes girlfriends for fun company and like he was with me because he couldn't get any hotter girl. After that I always felt I was lesser compared to other girls.

    Next boyfriend obviously had watched a lot of porn, we didn't talk about it, but he raped me. And he always wanted weird things seen on porn. I get really uncomfortable by thinking about it...

    Then I thought I found the love of my life. Never been so in love and happier than with him. I forgot all my insecurities and pressure about my appearance with him. He made me feel like I was a princess and the most important in the world. We moved together after a year of dating and that's when everything went bad. I remember thinking that it is normal that we have settled down and we aren't cuddling so much anymore etc. But I got worried when he was like he didn't like me at all anymore. He barely talked. It was like I was living with a ghost. The most awful day was that when I got home to him after spending a Christmas with my family, and he didn't welcome me home like he used to, I had a Xmas gift for him, I had red sexy lingeries and I was waiting for him to get excited but he totally rejected me. After that I was sure we have a problem with P, but I had to catch him. I started searching and went all to Sherlock mode, found evidence over time, found out he used it daily, he had totally dumped me for PMO. And he always had an excuses and explanations to save himself. And blamed me. I was the crazy one. I believed that. I started to blame myself.
     
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  7. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. I meant the significant others.
     
  8. delhiboy

    delhiboy Fapstronaut

    let me tell you @Liina a real girl is 1000 times more attractive than any kind of porn thing.
    his behavior suggests there is some issue with him, there is a phase in relation when it reaches a level where excitements are not there any more but love is still there. if you really believe its because of porn addiction then help him get out of this mess of PMO, introduce him to NoFap.
    but dont forget to support him, look after him, ask him if everything is fine. try to get to his soul.
    everything will be fine lina. stay brave.
     
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  9. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Last night was horrible. My fears took me over so bad. I get those very bad nights maybe once a week, it is like resetting my brain. After a week of thinking those fears a little bit everyday, some days it's more and some days less, it piles up, until my mind explodes.

    When it explodes, I feel that I am crazy. I'm not myself anymore. I start thinking that my current boyfriend also lies to me about everything. I'm so afraid it's gonna happen with this relationship too. Then I stay up even though I'm very tired, I just can't sleep when I start to think and analyze everything what he has said, done, or how he behaved in certain situation. Then I'm like, what if I find out he is PA too? I want to find out before we get married or have a baby! Then I get even deeper into that anxiety, it's like some kind of demon takes over.

    We were friends with my boyfriend before we started dating. I was cautious back then because I knew I will have trust issues, and that I won't accept any P use in relationship. But I never guessed it would get this bad. He is going to work in somewhere else in the summer, and comes home only in weekends. I think that have made me feel a bit more anxious, and insecure. I'm so afraid that this summer is going to ruin our relationship, that he starts using either P, or just images of other girls. I don't know how I get a peace in my mind, and trust him. Sometimes I think, that if he does that, it's not a big deal, he knows how I would think about it, and if he still chooses to betray me, I will know it somehow, and just tell him that this is over and I'm not gonna go through this anymore.

    I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy with him and trust him. I can imagine how wrong this is towards him, if he really is being honest with me and doesn't even do anything.
    I will try my best... I have decided I will call to get an appointment to therapy.
     
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    After the last post, the last "explosion" it has been better again. As I said, it is kind of reset for my brain....

    But even if I'm having better days, I'm not confident at all. I hate how I look. I feel I'm so ugly. I wasn't enough for my ex, am I enough for my current boyfriend? How can I be sure? What if he is also like that he just likes to look at other girls?

    When we are out, shopping or just walking down the street and I only see pretty girls who are like threats. I get anxious and start to watch where my boyfriend is looking at. Is he paying attention if I talk to him, or does he focus on someone else. The same thing with watching TV, always comes to my mind, if he thinks someone is more attractive there than me. It feels like a prison to me. I want to be free, and confident, and trust on him.

    I don't know if people understands me because most of the ladies here (I think) are still in relationship with their PA, but my situation is different, I left the PA behind and found someone new, and started over. But the past haunts me so bad. Time alone didn't heal.
     
  11. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Hi @Liina. Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have had a really rough time.

    For what it's worth, I think you're doing exactly the right thing in the circumstances. Getting it out in the open in a safe space like this can really help.

    You don't have to deal with this all by yourself.
    Blessings.
     
    Liina likes this.
  12. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Hugs to you. You have suffered and been betrayed. Your brain is trying to protect you from feeling that pain again. I'm afraid I don't know the answer for how to trust again or how long it will take. Be open with your boyfriend about what happened to you and ask for his help. How he responds will tell you a lot about him. Please take care of yourself and DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP for this! Your feelings and anxiety are normal, in my opinion.
     
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  13. delhiboy

    delhiboy Fapstronaut

    Thats love girl, but keep it under control dont let it become obsession. Becoming anxious is ok sometimes
     
  14. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I’m in the same place. I left my PA after 2 years together. I’m not as active as I was while in the thick of things but I still follow several boards. Please PM me if you want to connect. Hugs
     
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  15. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all! I appreciate your support.

    I wish I found this site when I was still in the relationship with my ex. It would have helped a lot back then, to understand what really is going on. I have really understood everything after the break up, when I started to think deeper what my anxiety really is, and PA is a real thing.
    And the real wake up call was that when I fell in love again and started to get the same anxious feelings than before. When I was single between my ex and current, I really didn't think about the trauma. I enjoyed the time alone, and I enjoyed the freedom, of that I didn't have to worry all the time. .. worry about that my fiance would be PMO again as soon as I left the house, and freedom from trying to please anyone.
     
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  16. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I should be sleeping but it hit again... Anxiety. It's not bad, yet. But I couldn't lay in bed anymore. I'm usually never sick, but now Im having a flu again, the second time in only couple of months. I have very stressful phase going on, and then I have to deal with this anxiety too. It feels it's too much of burden to carry. I'm currently finishing my bachelor's degree, I don't have any income anymore, been trying to get an internship while working my heavy load of school work, and I haven't got anything... Some school work done at least, but not enough. Sleep would be very important but then I get these nights too often, and next day I'm too tired to use my brain. I feel I can't do this, but everyone around me asking did you getthe job, where do you apply next and I'm like I don't want to answer to same questions to every people. I feel like a failure. I have failed my life AGAIN.

    I've had depression diagnose in past. I remember the same feeling of being a failure. Like I'm worthless. I'm embarrassed of myself, and my life. I'm still a student, not worked in real profession yet, living in small rental apartment, while my friends at same age has been working for years, got own houses, some married and have kids.
    I have worked SO MUCH to be at the place where I am now. I was 24 when I graduated from high school. I was working days with minimum pay in shit job, and studying every evening, so high school graduation was the biggest accomplishment of my life. LOL. Embarrassing. But I was proud of myself. I overcame depression and started to build up my future.

    I got in to college and started to study for my dream. But now I feel like I want to give up. I've had enough. I want to fall back in my depression.

    All of these things has piled up, and it is now a massive rock on my shoulders. I think the heaviest right now is dealing with my ex's PA.
    Some days I'm very angry at him. Why did he do this to me! Didn't he have any empathy? How could he look at me with empty eyes, when I cried my eyes out in front of him, asking him why did he chooses P over me. I cried and tried to explain that it feels like he was cheating on me. I tried to explain how heartbroken I am. I begged him to understand. But there he stood with a face without any sign on emotion. The first time when he didn't deny right away. But he didn't admit either. He was silent. I was collapsed on the floor. I had never felt such physical pain from heartbreak.

    I thought this is the point where he realizes he have to stop. But he didn't. It was like he didn't hear me at all. Everything continued as it has been before. Then I gave up. I didnt know about the addiction was so real thing. I just tried to close it from my mind. I decided I will live with him as a roommates. After that decision I was slightly happier again, because I accepted he didn't find me desirable. And what is weird, I got some confidence back. I started to get attention from other men again. I enjoyed that so much I didn't need my fiance's attention anymore. I even cheated him once, it was kind of revenge in my head. I didn't feel remorse.

    Time passed, I started to miss everything we once had in the beginning of our relationship. I was unhappy again. But I didn't talk to him about P anymore. I decided I have to leave if I ever wanted to be happy again. I thought I only lived to keep him happy. He enjoyed P, he used a lot of alcohol, every weekend he had a lot of beer and played online games all nights, he had someone who cleaned and cooked and did everything at home.

    When I said it is over, I had a huge worry about how he can live alone now, I felt like I abandoned him like a helpless pet or something. OMG, my mind have been so fucked up.

    Some of my friends judged me A LOT for that I left him. Because they knew I enjoyed other men's attention. They probably thought I was slutty but they didn't say it out loud. I was so bad person in their eyes, of course because HE did nothing wrong. I did tell to my friends he didn't show any affection and we didn't have a sex life, and I missed that. But I didn't tell why he didn't want me.

    And his friends was my friends too. His family was my family. His mother is the best mother-in-law I could ever hope for. We were really good friends. I miss her so much... We are still in touch but I hate it I couldn't tell her the truth about our break up.

    So I lost my whole life. Even couple of my own female friends, since I was hurt by their judgement. They didn't help me at all in my pain, on the contrary they made me feel worse about myself.

    Here I am, mostly lonely, depressed, stressed out.. staying up whole night writing a long sad post, while my boyfriend is sleeping. I should be happily next to him without worries. I'm afraid I'm gonna fail this relationship too :(
     
  17. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I want to write it again, I cheated him only one time. I'm not cheater type, and it didn't make me feel good, even though I said I didn't feel remorse, it was just a revenge from me. After that I only enjoyed that men were flirting to me. At least someone thought I was beautiful.

    And now, in the new relationship, I care so much, that I can't accept P again. I want to be number one to him. I want to be loved.

    And I am, so far. But again, I'm afraid that it won't last. It was lovely with my ex at the beginning, and then it changed. Is it going to change again? It's my biggest fear.
     
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  18. Lostlover22

    Lostlover22 Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to a lot of your feelings. The anxiety, the betrayal, the self-judgement. It fucking SUCKS! But you must remind yourself that your ex was not using P because of anything to do with you - you ARE enough, you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are enough. Addiction is a monster that takes over a man’s brain (or woman’s, but in our case it’s men) My husband is a PA and while I know that he loves me very much, he still goes back to P and will lie to me about it. His addiction justifies this behaviour when he lets it get away from him. I want to ask, “ who are you and what have you done with the man that I love?” I went through a lot of thoughts of revenge. I wanted him to feel the pain that I was in.

    As for your ex being distant and not affectionate.... When my PA is using or has slipped up, I can absolutely tell by the way he treats me. He is not as attentive and it’s like he is somewhere else entirely. I know there is a lot of shame and guilt involved but I seriously think that PMO zaps some kind of chi or life force out of them. Now that I know the signs after years of dealing with it, it is obvious when it has happened. But again I have learned, even though it hurts like a bitch, I try not to take it personally because it’s HIS problem. It is NOT us. We are enough!

    Something else that helps me now is that I have given myself full permission to bring up my insecurities and talk about it. Otherwise, they fester. When I have suspicions and I don’t bring them up, sometimes they just turn into full blown paranoid anxiety and cant remember what even started it, if it was real or in my head, and I feel like a crazy woman. I do have some coping mechanisms like working out and listening to music and I have even started a meditation practice that seemed silly to me at first but i think it has really helped. But I bring up P and his P addiction regularly to check in with my PA, to see where he is at with it, and also I come back to this forum because it helps so much to hear from all of you. Even though your current bf says he is not addicted, have you had a rational talk about his relationship with P? Like, if he used it when he was younger, or if he finds it disturbing, if he is just fine Ming to his own imagination, if he PMOs every once in a while.... details like that could help you trust him if he is willing to share.

    Lastly.... uggh yes it is awful not being able to talk about it with the people who are in our lives! Especially because when you have an addiction like drugs or alcohol and are in recovery, people know. People are likely to find out if you slip up. People are understanding when you have problems with your spouse. I totally wonder too now about random guys porn use and how many people I know who might be going through this behind closed doors. We are not alone. This is a new chapter for you and now that you have lived and learned, better things will come as you continue healing. Best wishes to you.
     
    Liina likes this.
  19. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much @Lostlover22 !
    Me too! I have learned that even if I tried to forget it and not bring it up to my boyfriend, it doesn't go away and it will bother me as long as I tell him, and it also gets worse. And he also appreciates it more if I talk straight away, since he can see if there's something bothering me.

    I have talked about P with him since very early stage of our relationship. At first, it was really difficult for me to say it to him that I can't accept any P usage. We talked about that how he thinks about P and he said that he have never understood P use in a relationship. He admitted that he have used P sometimes (which bugs me still, but I know it's not realistic to find anyone who haven't....), but he really doesn't like it, because he appreciates women more etc.. I can't trust blindly, because my ex said very early (and I didn't even ask that myself) that OF COURSE HE DOESN'T watch P and all, and what I have read from other ladies here, it seems very common pattern that men denies it. And I already did that mistake and believed my ex, and when I found out how fking much he is watching, it crushed my world.

    But back to my current boyfriend. I have told him everything I feel about P, that I think it is cheating and I don't want him to fantasize of any others, not with or without P. He have agreed, and he said also that he wouldn't like that if I watched or fantasized of other men. So that is something that makes me trust on him more. And he have said that he won't M at all, which makes me feel better because if I knew he would M, I would think that how can I know if there's other women in his fantasies?

    So, my problem pretty much is that trusting is VERY, VERY difficult. I think I can sense it that he is honest with me, and he really cares about me, and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, because he have seen how hurt I am because of my ex. He is so understanding, which is awesome. But I have the trauma and it holds me tight. I'm like automatically suspecting and beware of every threat.
     
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  20. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    It has been a while since my last journal post, I think because I have felt so much more depressed lately, and something happened that made me kind of lose any interest in life...

    It feels difficult to think about it or write it down, even though it is not relatively very big thing, but it triggered me so badly. So... I don't know was it 2 or 3 weeks ago, but anyway, I couldn't resist myself from going to check my boyfriend's browse history. I didn't find P, but I found out that he has been clicking all the headlines in news sites about models, P stars, and he visited even one instagram site of a model.
    These actions were long time ago, I really scrolled months back. I remember talking about this topic with him, that I didn't like if he watched those headlines. He said he won't and that was that. So before I brought up my concern, he was watching them. I felt betrayed again, and I know this might seem so minor issue compared to P, but for me it was huuuge trigger.

    Why... why is the world like this? Why are news sites also full of just WATCH HOT PICS OF A BIKINI MODEL or overall news about how someone looks like???? And why is my boyfriend so shallow that he is interested in those but not in real news?? I always thought he was interested in what happens in the world and about science, but the reality is, the most interesting headlines includes pics of women.....

    I have been so heartbroken. I feel shame, I'm afraid that You who reads this are going to judge me. I feel like I have failed, that there's something wrong with me again.

    He claims that he didn't watch them in sexual way. I don't know yet if I believe, maybe he is just interested in gossips? At least I believe that he didn't M to them. But it disgusts me if he just watches them like "wow that body *drools*"

    I can tell that he have really suffered about this as well. He knows that I haven't forgiven yet. And he seemed like he was sorry and I think he really regretted it.

    And on top of everything, my boyfriend left yesterday to live another city for work. He will work there 4 months. He will only come home for weekends. I feel like this is killing me. I asked if I can disable incognito mode on his phone and he was like of course. However, I didn't do it yet, I thought I try to trust on him. I have access on his browsing history anyway when he is away, but I have decided I try not to check it at all. He knows how I struggle now while he is not at home, and I believe that he is trying to be good.

    Positive ending: I have my first therapy session on Friday. I hope I meet someone who can help me with this, and I will feel safe sharing this sh*t with.
     
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