I have been thinking about starting my own journal here as well. So here it goes. Not gonna write the whole story yet, maybe some current thoughts. Feel free to comment. I have been very anxious lately about that the P is everywhere. My boyfriend watched a YouTube video about some gamesite (we both love videogames) and there the guy who told about the games also told that there's a loooot of porn on that site. I was like wtf? Why there has to be porn EVERYWHERE all the time? I feel so lonely with this anxiety. I don't have anyone to speak with. I only talk to my boyfriend but I don't speak everything I wanted to, because I try not to attack on him and blame him for nothing, blame him for what other men do. I feel like everyone accepts porn so I feel kinda ashamed if I talked about my porn anxiety to my friend or my mom... I have thought what if I talked to my mom since she is maybe the only one (after my boyfriend) I trust enough to reveal how messed up my head is. Maybe I should tell now that it was my ex boyfriend (we were together 6 years, engaged, planning to get married soon etc) was the PA. After him, even though I decided I would never get new relationship bc I was too hurt and broken, I found my best friend, and fell in love with him. He knows how P effects on me and he agrees with everything it is bad for relationship etc etc, so he has promised he would never hurt me like that. I'm just wondering how my female friends accepts their boyfriend's/husband's P usage? They all know about it. It feels like I am the only one who isn't fine with it. I remember asking it once, many years ago, some of them said something like "that's men's thing, not so big deal." One of my friends many years ago, told that she was thinking what's up with her boyfriend bc he didn't want sex anymore and she found porn sites from his history. I felt like she was a bit hurt back then, but now it seems she is totally fine with it. That was like couple years before I found out my ex is also watching P. I was so naive and thought my sweetheart doesn't do that. How wrong was I!!!! Sometimes I think am I just overreacting. Should I just forget. My ex made me feel like I was crazy. I blamed myself for his addiction until I found this site, and read other stories. Reading this site was the first time I felt I wasn't struggling alone. First time I saw that this is huge problem for so many. It was relieving.