Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    I have been 2 days home alone. It has felt like a week already. I feel very lonely, I need his presence. I'm very afraid how I will survive with this anxiety the whole summer.
    I told him I feel unsafe. Because of my fears. What he's doing on his phone, on laptop, what he sees on TV and stuff like that. I live with a constant fear of that he will replace me mentally, like watching other girls (in that way) and forgetting me.

    Today I've read posts on Partner Hope and gained better understanding on my feelings. I also listened a podcast about abusive relationships and victim blaming, it was strengthening.

    I wanted to talk about how I feel if he objectified other women. He got a little bit frustrated at first, as he always do because apparently I don't know any good way to start a conversation like this. I hang up on him (we were talking on phone) because I was getting too upset. I took a little timeout and called back and he had also calmed down and we could discuss about it and he listened what I wanted to say. If he was at home, that thing could've escalated to an ugly fight. So this time the conversation went actually pretty well!

    Last night didn't go very well. I woke up middle of the night, and I was very upset. All the thoughts swirling in my head, what he has done and said, what he might be doing, is he fantasizing of others, all my bad dreams where he watched P....

    I'm now laying in bed and writing this, not feeling very tired yet so I'm gonna continue listening to a podcast and hopefully I will get better sleep tonight.
     
    Susannah and Hero:HOPE like this.
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    I had my therapy session today. I decided to walk there, which was 8 km, the session was tough, because all my emotions were mixed up and I tried to swallow my tears so I could speak. And now I'm so exhausted. My boyfriend is coming home in couple hours and I still have to go to store since we don't have anything in the fridge. I don't eat much when I'm alone...

    The therapy is like that you can go there nameless, and it's free and you can go 5 times. It is a crisis center. It was recommended for me and I decided to try it out first.
    The therapist was something like a 50 year old woman, very easily approachable, she felt safe and warm. I was very afraid to bring it out that i feel traumatized by my ex and I have issues with P and all my fears affect very negatively on my current relationship and my whole life.

    I said I thought before than I can be happy only if I accept that men watch P and I can't do anything about it. But now I think I don't have to accept it, my bf have to accept that I don't accept any P and respect that. The therapist was like, exactly and you have to live with your own values and boundaries and not with anyone else's. You can't be happy if you don't live your own way with your own values.

    She also advised me how to train to control my own emotions. When I get those disgusting emotions including the doubt and fear of my bf & P, I can't deny the feelings, I have to accept them, but I can't feed them because then it all gets worse. Instead, I take the disgusting thoughts -pile out and move it away, so I get space for good thoughts. Then I should feed the good thoughts. She asked what is good with my bf now. And those are the things I should be thinking and feeding.
     
    Lostneverland and hope4healing like this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    444
    573
    93
    You’re on the right path . Stick to what is best for you and follow through on it. Good luck
     
    Liina, kropo82 and goodnice like this.
  4. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

    720
    1,586
    123
    Dang, tbh at first i was a bit weirded out by some of the girls on this SO forum thinking they were a bit extreme, but now you made me understand how horrible it is. I will remember the anguish you feel, and i will avoid pmo at all costs. I’m really sorry you had to go through this. Stoopid guys just can’t break free, but know that it is possible.

    Seriously, just check in with your boyfriend, ask him what day nofap he is on. I have been updating my mom every few weeks letting her know what day i’m on. I also text or call her if i had a bad day and i’m struggling with urges. Hope you and your boyfriend can work together
     
    need4realchg, delhiboy and kropo82 like this.
  5. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    I'm feeling quite happy right now. I had nice weekend with my boyfriend and I miss him so much already, he left for work for another 5 days again. We washed windows together and cooked together. He is always so helpful with the chores at home. I talked to him about everything I felt during the time he was away, and he listened it all and understood me. I get tears in my eyes now, he is a treasure. I didn't believe there could be any good, loving man in this world full of P and sh*t, but I'm starting to believe it again. I'm just a little bit pessimistic when I say: I hope I won't get too disappointed again. But just a little.

    I actually realized the first time ever, that I think I'm starting to forgive to my ex. I'm not so angry at him anymore. I have started to understand his problems and struggles. I think I see now why he was what he was. I was so young when I fell in love with him (I was 21) and I didn't think those things even though he showed some signs. I feel sorry for him. It's confusing now when I write it down. First I hate him for abusing me (mentally, not physically) and now I feel sorry for him... I wish he have done something for his addiction after I left. I hope happiness for him.

    Feels good to have some better days now. I have been so down for a long time.
     
  6. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    I feel so lonely. This is the second week my bf working elsewhere and I'm home alone. I so much wish I had someone to talk to. I met my mom on Tuesday, but she is the only one I have met in long time besides my bf. I don't have any friends here, I have recently moved to a new city. I think I have lot of friends, but no one to spend time with regularly. I have a lot "internet friends" from a online game, and they are men. I have met almost all of them irl, and some of them became really good friends over the years. But I haven't been in touch to them in very long time because I have isolated myself. I have felt long time that I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want anyone to ask my things, so I "went offline" completely. My female friends also live in different cities and we meet very rarely, and no one ever calls me, and I never call. But when we meet, we always continue where we left last time. I don't get invited to any social events ever. Well maybe once in couple years.

    Oh, and I also have a group of friends from school. It was the only group I've ever been, that made me feel like I belonged somewhere. They were guys, I study engineering so not much females there. I got one female friend though, and she is only one I have been in touch often. But she doesn't understand my trauma, or P addiction, and I don't want to talk about it very much because she have a boyfriend and I don't want to impact on her relationship negatively, I don't want her to become afraid of anything, is that silly?

    It sounds like I am unliked, haha. I know my friends like me, but I have lived so far away, and everyone of my friends live across the country. And I have now done the isolation myself. I have hated myself so much, so maybe that is the reason I didn't want to be around, or be seen by anyone. And seeing anyone takes a lot of effort and travelling.

    I have felt it my whole life that I was a bit different and lonely. I was always the third wheel. I got along better with boys, but because I'm a girl, I didnt always fit in. I've never been one of the "popular" people. At some point I was very happy with myself, I liked that I'm intelligent, I'm kind, friendly, never wanted bad for others. I also enjoyed by being a nerd, lol. I was confident for my inner self and personality. But now I'm at a place where I feel like everything is shattered and I don't know who I am anymore. My crisis has went too far already. I didn't start my recovery after I left my ex. Things have escalated.

    I don't even know do I miss my friends or is it better to be alone. I'm afraid of social situations because I have the fear of getting triggered by something they might say or joke. Especially with the guys. I used to be happy smiling laughing joking around them. Now I would be nervous and cautious or something, can't find the right word maybe?

    Who have I become... I want to be Me again.

    Sorry about this possibly confusing post. I was just typing my thoughts straight out of my head.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  7. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    I feel like I'm falling into the pit of desperation again. I'm so tired of this situation, I mean this trauma healing process. I'm getting ups and downs, my ups are getting better and downs are not as bad as they used to be.

    But I feel like abandoned in some way. As I wrote in the post above that I feel lonely, I still feel very lonely. I feel like I don't get understood. That I overreact. Because I'm out of the relationship with the PA, he is an ex now. So I should be fine? Should I? It's like "it's past now, you have to move on, what's the big deal anymore"

    It's all the triggers I guess. I get triggered by so many things around me.. I want to make sure my bf is not the same as my ex. I'm constantly looking for every sign that might be mutual. I'm tired of it.

    My previous relationship, I lived many years in it quiet and I didn't know PA was a real problem. I felt it was only because of me, because my bf was the only man in the world who chose P over his girlfriend. I accepted it that way so I never researched. I just suffered alone. And I questioned it also that was I right about his PA, since he didn't admit, and he had new explanations Everytime I found evidence. What if I was crazy as he said? And there never was a problem? I didn't get any support from anywhere. All I got was I was crazy, I was alone, and my friend's advices how to be more sexy, so my ex would maybe like me more.

    And now I should have forgotten everything and trust blindly on my current boyfriend... Doesn't anyone understand how hard it is, and how hard I'm trying? He has said/done things that have made my trust drop a little bit few times. Im living in horrible fear, that someday I find out that I never should've trusted at all. I'm so afraid of getting hurt again, and I don't know how to handle it the second time.

    I feel ashamed that I even went to a new relationship. But I also thought I left the problems behind when I left my ex. But when I was already in love again, and in serious relationship, I realized the trauma has followed me.

    I have heard it so many times that I should've been single longer. Do people think that has positive impact on me? That is something I want to hear? Seriously... It's better not to trust even on friends.

    At least I have this one place to vent.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    It has been 6 years since I started seriously suspecting my ex using P. I think I was still like denying it, thinking like "he's not that kind of guy" "he told me before that he doesn't do that". I started to blame myself for that he didn't want me anymore sexually. I had gained some weight, because at that time we enjoyed partying and eating pizza. I started to work on losing that weight. Maybe he would find me attractive again then.

    About 6 months passed. Things got even worse with him. He was emotionally so cold. He didn't want sex with me when I had been spending Xmas away, and I came back home to him and we have been spending our own little Xmas together, and I put myself ready and sexy, for sex. He didn't want to even look at me. That was the point when I started searching all the evidence.

    5 years ago today, was my graduation party. I was miserable. My mom had been setting up the party for me and I didn't feel like partying. I had just confronted my ex AGAIN for using P. During the spring I had found evidences many times. He denied Everytime and he had different explanations and that I was crazy for thinking about that he would do that.

    2 years ago I decided to leave him. The hardest desicion of my life, because I loved him so much, but I couldn't be there anymore because what he did to me over the years was the worst suffering I have ever had to go through. I couldn't take it anymore.

    Then I felt freedom. I started to enjoy life. I moved all the things from that relationship away in my mind. I only focused on studying and the student parties. I was confident and happy. I felt comfortable in my body first time in so many years, because I didn't have to try anymore to please anyone.

    Now I wish I started my healing process back then. I didn't realize this needed so much work. I didn't realize how broken I was.

    It hit me today that past 6 years of my life has been almost full of suffering. My whole twenties has mostly been. I'm turning 29 this summer. I feel like I didn't live fully my youth (I was depressed at my teens/young adulthood so years wasted there too).

    My mom has said many times during the years, that everything has a purpose. All things happen for a reason. My ex gave me so much good, and taught me this lesson, that I'm working on.

    I wish I found nofap earlier, because this site has given so much resources to learn everything, from PA, and from myself. I joined here end of last year and since then I have been working on my healing process, and so far I have already seen so much progress.

    I'm very happy where I am now, even though my journal posts can be bitter or angry(ish?)... I usually want to write down when I have those bad days. I will try to write some good days and progress also.
     
    hope4healing and Lostneverland like this.
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    444
    573
    93
    Good job on evolving into the person you’re meant to be. Your mom is right , everything happens for a reason, you were a victim and now you are a survivor, with much to offer.
    Thumbs up to you.
     
    Liina likes this.
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
  11. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    I feel peaceful.

    This week I didn't worry so much about the things I fear. My fears: 1) that my bf would look at sexy pics of girls 2) that he would look at the girls "in wrong way" wherever he is 3) he would watch something on TV that triggers me 4) he would fantasize of other girls.

    I still feel uncomfortable by thinking about the things, but I feel better now. Usually I'm too afraid of going anywhere with him, because I'm afraid of getting triggered too much because threats everywhere. This weekend we went to a concert. I saw some pretty ladies there and one of them were dancing in front of us and normally I would have gotten very anxious by it, but now I managed to keep myself calm and enjoy the music. My bf was holding me in his arms the whole time and sometimes kissing my head and I felt loved. I also felt really beautiful myself, I had nice outfit, and I put effort on my make-up in long time. So those girls didn't feel so huge threat this time. Going in to a concert was a huge step for me. And I survived without anxiety and triggers! When we were about to leave home, my bf said that we should both take the keys in case of we start a fight and come home in different times... l know it was partly a joke, but we have fought so many times when we are out in public, and that is all because of my triggers. So yesterday was a huge success.

    I also trust him 98% that he wouldn't watch anything on his phone that I wouldn't like. That 2% is for my bad days when I feel desperate and when I hate the world.

    When he left for work today, he promised me to be more supportive if/when I feel anxious. He have often gotten frustrated if I want to talk about my anxiety, and I have felt like he abandoned me, didn't care at all and I was left so alone. I understand it is difficult for him to handle a girlfriend like me, but he understands (or tries to) why I am like this.
     
    hope4healing and HonestyMatters like this.
  12. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    Today I took one step forward again. I told my mother the truth about my deep anxiety.

    I was at my mom's, she was going through her old stuff because she had to empty the old bookshelf. She found an old picture inside of one of the books. She showed me that with face like "omg, here it is" and I was like what's that?

    She said, "this is the first thing where everything started"

    There was a young lady in the photo. I instantly knew it belonged to my dad.

    Then mom started to tell about her DDay. My dad didn't come home, and his phone was shut off. Mom has had awful feeling in her gut for a long time, that something is very wrong. She wanted to know now.

    Mom told my brother to look after me and my little sister, she is going to the town. My mom found my dad's car at his workplace. Doors were open and mom went in. She dug everything in the car. She found out visas for going to over the border to our neighbour country. She didn't stop there. She found the photo as well.

    She noticed that his boss's car wasn't there. They must be somewhere with the boss's car.

    Mom went to look every bar in town. Dad wasn't even going to bars, he didn't drink. But her gut told her to look the bars. She thought she looked everywhere and was going to neighbour town, and then she saw a brothel nearby, where the boss's car was parked. Mom called the boss's wife, is this her husband's register plate. It was. Mom went inside and found my dad and his boss in a bar table accompanied by group of young women. She confronted him right there and went back home. Packed my dad's stuff. It was 25. Of November, 1999. I was 9 years old and my dad abandoned us completely for a year. After a year, he wasn't the same anymore.

    Mom told he was a sex addict. He was always looking for new girls.

    Then I broke down. I felt the feeling of betrayal, the panic, heart pounding, the rage.. how my mom must have felt back then. Then I told her that I experienced the similar with my ex "the guy everybody thought was so sweet and perfect", only difference was that my ex didn't go for prostitutes.

    I always wanted to talk about this with Mom, but I was so afraid that she would minimaze how I feel, or say I overreact.

    Actually, she experienced P issue with his "boyfriend" (can't say boyfriend of an old man lol), she told me that he only wanted to PMO and lied about it. Mom said he didn't want to have sex at all, and mom accidentally saw P site on his computer, and then she looked and he visited there daily. And when I told her everything I have learned about PA, she realized so many things about his ex "bf", how his P usage must have influenced on him. And she felt hurt by it. He did insult her appearance and fantasize of P women.

    I'm so happy my mom understood what I have been going through. I'm making some healing progress right here when I connect more with someone so important.
     
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    444
    573
    93
    If....Everyone did a genogram, a tracing back of family history, you my be amazed at how history repeats itself.
    My father and his father were also a womanizers of epic proportions and my father still is at the age of 80.
    I’m glad your mom shared with you, you’re very fortunate.
     
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I have a similar understanding with my mum too @Liina , although hers is by far worse. Mines only ever been PMO related, he did sign up to a meet up for a fuck site at one stage but as far as I'm aware he didn't follow through and we had been in an in-house separation for a few months. And he's taken pics of me unbeknown to me and has had this voyeur fetish thing but some of the things my mum went through with my father, I can really understand her pain and feelings of horrible betrayal now...and sometimes I feel bad because as a child all I ever wanted was to know who my father was, to meet him but he hid himself away somewhere in the country once they divorced. But he was an alcoholic and often worked night shifts and frequently instead of coming home in the morning he'd go straight to the pub and wouldn't come home for days. My mum had us three kids at the time, my sister 10, me 4 and my brother 1. Many times mum had to go find him to get money to feed us etc....One time mum went down to the pub to get money off him to buy baby formula because she had nothing to feed my brother. He was in there with other women, and it turned out she later discovered he used to take them up to the rooms up stairs and was fucking them. He also used to beat my mum as well when he finally did come home. At one point, he was even having an affair with a woman who had the same name as my mum. So mum can relate in some ways to me, and my feelings of betrayal but in her eyes I think she still thinks at least my partners not a drunk, not beating me up and not actually sleeping around and she's right and she does still understand the hurt and betrayal and frustration even if it's not as severe.
     
  15. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    444
    573
    93
    Arg...that’s rough. I feel for your mom. How did she overcome the betrayal etc...I’m happy for you gals that you have a positive relationship with your respective moms. You’re very fortunate.
     
  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    @Lostneverland i think it took a lot of years and just time. She still loved him very much but just knew she had to get away and so she did. I don’t know that she ever really dealt with it properly to be honest. Back in the day they certainly didn’t have all the support and sites like this that we have today. And unfortunately for her she ended up in other bad relationships. Today in her 60’s I think she’s finally finding herself and finding peace and happiness, but it’s taken her a lot of years and she still struggles but nothings perfect in this life I guess.
     
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    444
    573
    93
    Wow...well kudos to your mom. I understand her pain and torment. She did right though and that took an incredible amount of courage in that space and time. She’s was very brave. So you obviously come from a family of strong women. Like mom, like daughter...you go girl
     
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  18. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    Sorry to hear that @HonestyMatters . It seems so common problem that our men/husbands are sex addict one way or another. Like it's actually so difficult to find safe and healthy relationship. Your mom was brave to get out of it, it's very hard to leave a loved one even though he abuses.

    My mom has had multiple relationships after my dad, but always ended up alone. She just said to me that she misses someone to share life with, but is she already too cynical or pessimistic to try anything out. It's sad. I know how lonely she is. Some time ago she said she wouldn't even find anyone, because she is too old for men at her age, she would only get a grey old grandpa or a young man who seeks for a cougar, lol. She's at her 60s.
     
    need4realchg and HonestyMatters like this.
  19. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    564
    1,121
    123
    I feel this way, too. At 56 years old, there is literally no one age-appropriate who is looking for "me". 56 year old men on dating sites are looking for 30 year old women. My husband is 8 years older than me and I am certain he will have no problem finding a woman even younger even though he is gray, tired, and out of shape.
     
  20. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    129
    165
    43
    That is so wrong. I have thought many times that are women like you and my mother doomed to live alone without being really loved by a man, rest of your lives. I have also thought about that how about those women who have been married for a long time since their twenties, are they all living like that they have accepted, or they don't need intimacy or affection anymore? What kind of husbands they have, do those husbands fantasize of young women or are some of them really loyal to their wives? I often have those kind of thoughts about my boyfriend's parents, who have been married for 30 years. My ex's parents were (and still is) too, but I guess they didn't have much intimacy, they slept in separate rooms and I saw P dvds there once.

    I'm actually 5 years older than my current boyfriend, and at first I had hard times because I felt I was too old. I don't know his friends very well, because I don't feel comfortable around them because they are so childish. I feel I'm too old for their company. My boyfriend is much more mature, and smart. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. My boyfriend has said he had crush on me because I was so mature and wise, haha. And he didn't like girls at his age because they were too childish too. I hope he won't change his mind...

    I have been worried that he wouldn't find me attractive anymore when/if I give birth to our baby, or get wrinkly, or gain weight, get older... But he have said those changes are normal and natural, why he would stop wanting me after I bring our child to this world, or when I get older, or if I gain weight. Wouldn't he be wonderful if he didn't change his mind, and if he really wouldn't mind about all of those changes which would make my body "ugly" ( I don't like to say it ugly, because those things do not make anyone ugly, it's just this media which makes people think they are ugly, why is natural considered ugly anyway???)

    As I mentioned in other thread that my ex preferred much younger girls, and said to me I would be too old when I turn 25, that has left that massive fear on me. It's so wrong that we, women are not allowed to get old naturally.
     
    Susannah likes this.

Share This Page