Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Amazing. You have a beautiful story @Liina . The nice part is seeing how it's still unfolding, not over, not predetermined. Your voice in the journal is so honest, so vulnerable. I felt I was able to look at your tragedy through your eyes, and as a man reading this it made me feel trapped---which is the most aggravating feeling...

    Your pain is tragic, lots of trauma , wow, I was so saddened to read-- episodes of rape, absent father, abused mother, you could have given into despair. Keep writing and posting. I am impressed, you are the first woman I know on here that is neither an addict or the SO of one (unless I missed that detail?).

    You are the first person I've read in NoFap whose story demonstrates that forgiveness leads to healing!

    Escape from trauma is impossible without forgiveness, but our pride gets in the way. Reading your story it revealed to me, I have seen the symptoms of betrayal trauma in others, but not until reading your story did I connect that the solution for their trauma AND mine---is forgiveness. You describe it almost fleetingly but that lesson is powerful.

    Thank you for your voice.
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    @need4realchg thank you for really nice feedback. I appreciate your words.

    Yes I'm not an addict nor SO of one. My trauma caused by my ex's addiction is like a wall between me and my current boyfriend because those fears affects still so strongly on my daily life. And I have to work so hard, so I can be happy, and enjoy the love he is offering to me.

    As you said that forgiveness is a key; it really has been relieving to notice that I'm not mad at him anymore. I can say that sincerely, I mean it. But it required lot of work, and research, I have learned to understand his addiction. And one important thing also is that I learned the fact that his addiction was not my fault. I let go of self blame.
    need4realchg likes this.
  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Yes. Your story showcases one specific quality we would deem extremely rare and long ago discarded in the most first world countries: the attribute of humility.

    To forgive we must first be humble. Nobody naturally wants to be humble. Especially if we have been hurt. We want the other person to be humble. And with that attitude everyone loses.

    It's not hard to forgive, but paradoxically it's the hardest part.
    Forgiveness breaks the curse for all to live free from any trauma triggers.
    Liina likes this.
  4. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    My mom was relieved to finally know what has been wrong with me many years. She said she knew I had a "secret" that I didn't want to tell. She said she was worried. But she thought she had to wait until I was ready to tell it, she was afraid of pushing me away if she tried to ask.

    That reminded me of my teen years. I used to me melancholic always, and later I was depressed, and I wanted to close myself off. I remember Mom telling me later that I was very difficult to reach out and she always was worried if I had something very wrong.

    I was relieved to finally get the huge rock off my shoulders. But after few days of talking with her I got the feeling of remorse and shame. I wish I didn't tell her. I made myself so vulnerable. I was worried if she is thinking I'm stupid.

    I talked about it with my boyfriend this weekend. Somehow I also got my fears up and turned on during the week. The weekend wasn't so great. I was anxious and irritated most of the time. I felt so low confidence. It was very hot weather here during the weekend and I only saw young women nearly naked going around. I felt disgusted about my body. Tried to think I'm front of the mirror "seals have a beach body too". I'm not even very big. I'm actually little and quite fit. Thanks to working out so much I have lost my boobs, but still have softness in my belly. But my body image is so bad when the demon is sitting on my shoulder telling how disgusting and unsexy I am.

    I can't even watch The Simpsons anymore. All I see there is how Homer is drooling over other women. Marge asked if he was thinking other women, and she was worried if Homer didn't find her attractive anymore and went to a surgery. Other episode Marge told she wrote a letter to the tv company to get the weather girl to wear bra and Homer was like "WAS THAT YOU, YOU MADE ME LOST MY INTEREST IN WEATHER"

    and then the mayor quimby lol. Having bimbos for sex only. Then Moe, and the comic book guy, old pervs. That show only shows how awful men are. Also porn is mentioned in so many episodes.

    If it was real life, what kind of adults would Bart, Lisa and Maggie grow up, with a father who objectifies every woman and doesn't hide it in front of children. My dad commented on womens appearance for me. Didn't matter if she was hot or not, he had to say it out loud. And I grew up with so low confidence thinking like I had to be sexually appealing to men. Women's purpose was to please men.

    I kind of hate that I can't watch many things on TV anymore because everything is so triggering. I mostly like to watch documentaries over fiction anyways, but I'm tired to get triggered too easily.

    Feels like every series are full of sex or something related. Girls in series has to be wearing revealing clothes for male viewers. Or take them off completely... Then in comedies they make fun of nerdy boy who wants a hot girl. Always girls have to be so hot. Intelligent girls are presented as less attractive, not popular etc. Why there has to be such division, if you want be desired by someone, you have to be hot, that's all that matters, doesn't matter if you're a bit dumb but you definitely have to be shallow and good looking.

    Anyway, I got a bit sidetracked. We talked a lot about my anxiety and porn with my boyfriend, and it calmed me down again. He said I am the most beautiful. So difficult to believe if thinks like that.
    Susannah likes this.
  5. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

    Wow. You made me realize so much more what I have done to my ex girlfriend, woman of my life I believed. My addiction destroyed her self image too, and Im sorry for that. I really thought she is very sexy and hot (still do), but my addiction robbed that feeling from her, no, it was how I acted and that I watched other women via screen and jo what robbed her that. I didnt have much sex with her because I had "pumped" myself empthy during the day, and post PMO anxiety and shame reduced my performance ability and need to do it. I allso felt im not big enough for her, because I didnt have porn "dick". I felt useless and thought she didnt like sex with me. Wrong, my addiction gave her so much insecurities that she just didnt feel sexy with me, and thought that she isnt good- or hot enough for me and thats why i watched porn. She only saw her "flaws", that porn actresses "didnt" have. She didnt understand that addiction, and neither did I at that time. And you are absolutely right, when you say its everywhere and being normalized, or even served as something good and natural. Religiously speaking, it's the devil.
    Hope you get well and happy in your life. Hope your bayfriend doesnt look porn. Hope you start loving yourself and get over your insecurities that someone through something brought upon you. Much love.
  6. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I am agreeing with your simpsons criticisms and I am certain the creators did not do it with any sensitivities in mind; they have acknowledged as much over the years since it was created.

    I’m reminded of a fantasy I had: I wished and prayed that God would let me become blind so I would not have any problems overcoming porn. Now I share that because I am seeing if I were a woman dealing with porn related trauma—-how would blindness affect me ?

    Would I still have triggers?
    Would I compare myself to others to my own detriment ?
    What would the gym be like if I worked it with people and did not auto-compare my body at the same time ?

    when seeing the world through your eyes i see how you are triggered to feel worthless at so many turns, I’d like to understand how you deal with that presently?

    Do you feel helpless when triggered ?

    When do you feel strong? If any any time ??
  7. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I used to believe that my ex was addicted to porn because I wasn't good enough for him. I still believed that after we broke up, until I found NoFap and educated myself. I hope you will beat your addiction and banish the devil out of your life. Good luck, all the best.

    I have also played with the thought of being blind. Then I would stop comparing myself to other women. I would stop seeing how ugly I am. And I wasn't the one with the problem looking at other women at the first place. But, then I couldn't see how my boyfriend looked at others. Would he look at other women freely?

    I don't actually know how to deal with my triggers and feeling so worthless. I'm battling constantly in my head against them. Sometimes I push them aside. Then later I start analyzing everything in my head; "did my bf look at her like that he was thinking she was hot", "does my bf like that body type more than mine", "would he like me more if I dress like that and wear more make-up like her", "does he secretly want I had bigger boobs and more trained ass", "is he just complimenting me because he have to as a boyfriend, and not meaning it" (this is the thought I battle with daily), then I also analyze what he have said in certain situations, to find out if he lied. I'm overthinking. My head is full of thoughts always.

    Now I'm focusing on trying to deal with those things, and not just push them away. I'm trying to remind myself that it was my ex who made me feel worthless, not my current boyfriend. Not all the men are the same. I have tried my best to make sure that my bf knows that lying is the worst, and he would get forgiveness more easily by being honest, than if I found out he lied. It's like again the demon sitting on my shoulder, telling me the bad things, but now I brought the angel on the other side who is trying to convince me everything is good.

    I feel helpless when triggered. Before I start dealing with the trigger, the first thoughts immediately when triggered is something like "this is hopeless, I will never be good enough, I just have to surrender and accept that I can't compete with the "perfect" women, I can't change how a man thinks, they will always want those perfect models of a woman, I just have to accept it". Or in The Simpsons case, "every man is like Homer inside, even though they have a perfect loving wife, they only see other sexy women around. I have to be Marge, not give a shit about it and always forgive Homer everything."

    I felt strong when I finally had the courage to break up with my ex. When I realized I didn't deserve this life. And when I was single, I had a freedom to be me, I didn't have to think how I looked like in someone other's eyes.
    When we started dating with my current boyfriend, I didn't have confidence issues so much yet. It was uplifting that he, a very handsome guy I thought would never consider me as his type, liked me a lot, and showered me with his compliments. But when we got serious with him, all the fears hit me. He had beautiful friends, who were also younger than me, because he is also younger. I started to sink deeper and deeper.

    Just recently I have started to feel strong again. It's quite rare still though. It can happen when I'm 100% sure I can trust on my boyfriend, that he wouldn't hurt me. I'm currently training for a half marathon for the first time and when I see and feel my progress after a run, it gives me a lot confidence in other areas in life too, than just in running. It makes me feel like I can be worthy. And when my boyfriend mentions about my progress and encourages me, I feel like he is proud of me, and that helps me to know I am good enough. It is difficult to explain, I consider myself as not very talented verbally, in person I don't talk much and expressing myself is difficult, I think a lot but it's difficult to explain my thoughts.
    need4realchg likes this.
  8. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    Now when I was reading my reply, I saw that I first said " I don't know how to deal with the things" and later I explained how I'm trying to deal with them. But I feel I don't know how to, because my insecurities and fears are so overwhelming and they have controlled me many years. I often feel desperate.
  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Please Liina, I find your humility and simplicity so beautiful. It’s such a huge difference from what is the norm here. You can’t possibly know how it is attractive but it is.

    I suffered a from so much self hate ; it took a lot to rid me of it.

    I know your focus is on hearing and seeing your boyfriend do and say the right things etc. but given your ex is he’s long gone—- I want to encourage to ponder your choices that define you to overcome.

    You may feel helpless; but you don’t have to repeat that experience each time. Reliving the past dooms the present (with your current boyfriend) and negatively colors your future.

    Your freedom as a trauma victim; please understand I mean no disrespect—- but freedom comes not from simply escaping the triggers that caused the addiction/trauma—-in addition we must GROW our soul to meet the challenge of overcoming our fears. As an addict our fear is learning to deal with reality.

    My love language is “words of affirmation. “ I wish to use them selflessly to encourage you, and give you some healthy questions ; if you feel it’s too strong a medicine please spit it out. Only take or answer what your willpower can handle.

    What is your love language ?

    How do you know you are beautiful

    How do you know you aren’t ?

    If you can be confident in running I wish to ask: are you doing it for yourself or for your boyfriend ?

    Can you feel the difference between doing something for you and doing something for others ?
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2019
    Lostneverland likes this.
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    @need4realchg I like that you make me think further.

    I know this all. But I don't know how to live like it. I don't know how to let go. I mentioned above, that I used to push the negative thoughts away (after I was deep in anxiety feeding all the negative thoughts) without trying to face them. Now I'm learning to face them and deal with them.

    I haven't thought my love language, I think I don't even know the context. I have to take a look.

    How do I know I'm beautiful? This is a difficult question. I don't know about my outer beauty. I think I have inner beauty, because I am kind. My boyfriend said once he envies my "social wisdom", meaning that I meet new people with confidence and smiling, and I mind other people around me. I don't know how to explain it in English well, but he meant like I wasn't putting myself higher and talking about me and my stuff without thinking if others weren't interested in my topic. He saw that I treated people equally.

    I could put a list about my "flaws" that make me think I am not beautiful. Mostly about my appearance, but also I think I'm not always that confident around people and I can be too cautious.

    This is a good question and it is a bit complicated for me. I started my running hobby in 2013 when I thought I was too fat for my ex.
    I also had to make a sporty hobby to get acceptance from my friends, I was hearing that often I should go to gym or at least do something for my appearance. It is the thing today to be sporty, if you're a couch potato, you are lazy and worse socially. I enjoyed running though. It wasn't something I forced myself into. I had to quit for 2 years when I got injured (not from running) in 2015. I tried to go to gym but it wasn't my thing. I didn't enjoy it. But I had to because I had to try to be fit and because especially one of my friends would judge if I didn't do anything. I was dreaming about running a half marathon some day, that was just for myself because I like to set goals for me, but I thought I never could do it because I wasn't sporty enough, and I didn't believe in myself at all.

    I was able to go back to running trails in 2017. I had missed running so much. I enjoyed the "runner's high" after a run. I did it just casually, it was my way to clear my head and relax. It was my own time. I have gained some confidence this year, so in Spring I signed myself up for half marathon event.
    I think I still think about that I have to be fit for my boyfriend because I'm so afraid he would lose interest in me if I went lazy. That's why I think about I should go to gym, because it feels like it is the thing girls should be doing today, get muscular firm butt and flat stomach. Always thinking my bf dreaming of those girls when I see someone like that anywhere. But that is not the thing I would enjoy doing. I just want the looks. So, I keep myself running and prevent getting too fat at least. Sounds like I do it only for keeping in shape, but no. I really enjoy running very much.
    need4realchg likes this.
  11. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

    Hi Liina. I fou d this for you:
    Meaning of name Liina

    Who is she?

    is an emotional, sensitive and nervous individual who seeks the company of others. While she is quite idealistic, she never completely loses her grip on reality and her feet remain firmly planted on the ground. Her imagination is extremely rich and contributes, for the most part, to making up for the dissatisfaction that she feels with her everyday life. Nevertheless, Liina is also capable of organisation, pursuing her dreams and achieving her objectives. She is very likely to be fascinated by music and poetry, humanitarian causes and the irrational; and although she sometimes allows herself to drift into pleasant day-dreams, she is also constructive and materialistic. She could be rather disconcerting due to the influence of two antagonistic tendencies that co-exist in her personality. Indeed, from the exterior she could appear easy-going, careless or even superficial; because she is impulsive and says exactly what she thinks. However this is definitely not the case, and just when you least expect it she can be aloof, curt and distant. This is a woman who is extremely attached to her independence. Likewise, her attitude is just as perplexing with regards to orderliness; one day she could be very fussy, discreet, tidy and organized (particularly if she was born on a 4th, 13th, 22nd or 31st; or of she has a life Path Number of 4); while the next she could be caught in flagrante delicto of contradiction with her own values, lax, disorganized and spending money as if it was going out of fashion (especially if she was born on the 5th, 14th or 23rd day of the month, or if her life Path Number is 5)... Liina is often a varied and colourful character! Generally active and focused, her weak point is irrefutably her very sensual and emotional nature. She is easily shaken by emotional disappointment, which can make her shut herself off from painful reality and other people. As a little girl, she shouldn´t present a problem for her parents as long as the atmosphere at home is harmonious. If this isn´t the case, she could lose interest in her school work and precociously seek the affection she requires by recklessly throwing herself into the arms of the first male who shows an interest in her. She may also attempt to escape through day-dreams and fantasy or refusing restriction. An artistic hobby would be highly beneficial, as would any activity that enables her to share and exchange with others.

    What does she like?
    She seeks stability and security, however she is often tempted by adventure, travel and all kinds of pleasure. She appreciates nature and all that is natural, animals and the countryside. In matters of the heart, she is quite ambivalent: romantic, sensual and idealistic, but also very down to earth, she could even be a little afraid of love. She may be accused of modesty, reserve, coldness and indifference; but Liina is actually an extremely sensitive soul.

    What does she do?
    Liina isn´t cut out for inactivity and is likely to choose a career doing something that she enjoys... In the first instance she will be attracted to occupations in connection with the social, medical or paramedical fields, activities related to broadcasting, sales, those involving contact with the public or in connection with nature, animals and the land; as well as occupations requiring order and method.

    Found this by accident, when I was looking for the "nationality" of your name
  12. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    I went to read the description of my real name, and I have to say this "Liina" is more accurate on me, haha. There are few things I recognize myself of. Especially that "What does she like" section.
    need4realchg likes this.
  13. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    My love language is touch. And yeah it makes sense. I want to be touched and held. I surely know that it is my boyfriend's too. He needs touch even more. I've never walked hand in hand, everytime we are out, with anyone else. With him, we walk hand in hand even though we argue during walking. When we are shopping groceries he puts his arm around me and kisses me. Everytime I go for a run he comes to the door kiss me and wish me a good run. Makes me miss him so much right now to think about all that. I miss his warm hug. He smells so good, without any perfumes his own scent is so good. I miss that he closes me in his arms and when I close my eyes I can smell him and feel the warmth of his body.

    I'm very grateful that I have him in my life. He is teaching me that there is love left in the world, I lost that belief with my ex. It has been difficult to let my guard down and accept his love. I'm not super religious, I want to be but I'm more science oriented, but it's like he is an angel that was sent to save me and give me hope. I'm still slightly afraid of a disappointment, if it happens and I would feel so ashamed for trusting and praising him like this. But fuck that. Where am I going if I'm telling that to myself? I have to enjoy this now. I'm tired of doubting. I want to be happy, and right now I'm in very good place to be happy. I have spent too much energy for doubting him and for trying to find his secrets. I think I have found them already, and if there was more, I would have found them too. He says he have learned from his mistakes he have done with me. I have forgiven him and I believe him. I have also made mistakes with him. I have blamed him for no reason. All because I have been in the dark place surrounded by my heavy fears. I have been crazy and hurt his feelings. I'm grateful that he doesn't hate me for that. He is trying to understand why I have been like that.

    It has been over a month since I snapped last time. I'm learning to control my feelings, instead letting my feelings to control me.

    My goal is now to accept my boyfriend's love without questioning it, and give it back to him because he deserves it.
    need4realchg likes this.
  14. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I think you taught me something today as well. But your self worth , if defined by others, is cheaper than the true value. People can fail, have a bad day, get tired or disappoint you.

    When you are disappointed do you have a revisionist approach ?
  15. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    I don't know. When I'm disappointed maybe I just think there's something wrong with me or my actions I guess. I hoped too much and then got disappointed.
  16. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    My mood has been big rollercoaster. Mood swings in every hour or two. Between happy - ok - anxious - hate myself. Been so tired.

    Except today. Today is a good day. I did my workout in the morning. I've been training so hard lately, my legs felt tired but I kept going. I trained my running speed today. Until this week I had 3 runs and 2 muscle exercises per week, but now it changed to 4 runs and the same 2 muscle exercises. I'm going to run half marathon in 3 months. Sometimes I doubt myself if I will be even capable to do it. I have never been in so good shape I am right now. I'm gonna do it!

    I was thinking about the question how do I know I'm beautiful. When I replied to that above, I was in the self-hate mood. But I know I'm beautiful on the outside too. I'm not beautiful as media presents beauty standards, I'm not tall and slim with zero fat. I'm pretty short, S sized, and I think I have been seen as a "cute girl next door". I'm natural. I have never dyed my hair, because I have very nice natural hair color, which is a feature I like the most in myself. It gets a lot of attention from men too. My make-up style is also natural and minimal. I don't wear other fake stuff either, such as nails or fake lashes. I like that I feel comfortable being natural. I have gotten compliments from men so much, but very rarely from women. I only get those how to improve my looks. I have been always been more confident around men, and not around women. (I think this is because women talk about looks so much more, judge strangers styles, would look at me from head to toes, complaining about themselves, give me tips how to look better etc. And men don't do those things, they have been funny to joke with, to party with, I can talk with them about more important stuff.....) I think I'm beautiful to men, but not to women? Haha.

    But how can I reach that point in confidence, where I don't have to worry about what if my looks aren't enough for my boyfriend? I want out of the shallow thinking, where I only think how I look, and am I pretty enough, or sexy enough. I want to stop thinking. And live peacefully, if I wouldn't be enough some day to him, then, I don't know, he could go to hell.

    I'm optimistic, I will learn that confidence again. In almost every relationship (both romantic and non-romantic) I have felt that I'm not good enough in some way. I have the deep fear of not being enough for my boyfriend now. I'm practicing how to win the fear.
  17. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    I want to improve my daily life with some routines. My problem is that I'm lazy, and it makes me feel bad about myself. I just want to write it down, so I get thoughts clear in my head, and that way it could be easier to follow my new routines. I've tried to live like them before, but usually laziness takes over. And one big thing has been my overwhelming anxiety.

    I feel like I've wasted all the 6 months this year. I've been extremely anxious. It has been very difficult for me to survive from daily life and chores. Only thing I could do, was to go for a run. It was the only time I felt free from all the horrors and stress.
    I had a pile of school work to be done. I had to get a place for internship. I planned to complete 5 courses, I completed 2 100%, 2 of them is almost completed. I sent 10+ internship applications (not necessarily so much, but it took so much effort from me to make even one application), got invited in 2 interviews, and didn't get either one. That feeling of failure has dragged me down even more. I think they saw I wasn't very stable. I tried too much during the spring, even though I didn't have the energy. And before summer I think I was burned out. Now I have spent over a month taking it easy and tried to rest. Still feel bad conscience, for being too lazy. I have to be merciful for myself.

    So my improved morning routines:
    • get up early. no snooze button
    • a quick morning yoga in bed.
    • face wash in cold water, brush teeth (i'm usually too lazy to brush teeth first when I wake up, and I have been doing it after breakfast but now I want to do it first)
    • drink big cup of water
    • if not hungry yet, go for a short walk outside
    • breakfast. If too hungry, eat before walk.
    • journal about goals of the day
    • work on a school project until lunch time
    I wake up pretty early normally, but i hit snooze 1 - 1,5 hours. If I didn't have alarm, I would continue napping as long without snoozing. I have to stop it. When I get out of bed, I'm still very tired and waking up really takes few hours. Some mornings I have went to walk outside with Pokemon Go, but I want to make it as my daily routine now. And also I stop playing Pokemon every morning, I want to enjoy the weather and listen to birds.

    Normally I would first go play some game when I go to computer. It would take 2-4 hours and then I'm stressed about not doing any school work again. Just bought new fantasy themed roleplaying game, and it is my favorite category, so I have to make it as my reward, I can go play after I have completed my daily goals.

    Then I need evening routine:
    • No cell phone before bed, and in bed
    • clean the kitchen for the next morning. Nicer to prepare breakfast if I don't have to clean up first
    • journal about the day, and what makes me grateful
    • write down things I have to do next day, so I don't stress them when I have to try to sleep
    • read a book in bed instead of cell phone
    I think I need to really let go of my phone using, because it is usually too difficult to me get sleep. I have already let go of social media, so now I'm playing mobile games instead, and activating my brain through that. And I need to remove stressful thoughts by writing from my brain so I can relax. Maybe I have to write anxious thoughts as well, so I stop thinking about them too much? Haven't tried it yet if it really works for me.

    I think that is everything that comes to mind right now. If you have some tips or some routines that has worked for you, to get relaxed better before bed, or to get up in the morning, I would like to hear :) Or just to be more productive through the day, especially for you SOs who tend to have anxious thoughts with you all the time. It has been very difficult for me to focus on my school work, when I'm anxious. I haven't been able to stop thinking about them, and focus on what I should do.

    Edit: I think my diet change has had some positive impact on my mood as well, it has not improved it alone of course, but I have more energy now. I've eaten very plant-based a long time (not totally vegan, can't give up cheese, and sometimes my boyfriend wants to make meaty dinner) but now I'm trying to focus on eating more vegetables. I have started to make vitamin C packed green smoothie every morning. I have fallen in love with it, and it is easy for me to drink in the morning as I sometimes struggle with eating a lot :) I will share the recipe if someone's interested.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2019
  18. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    My morning today went well, woke up easily, did my scheduled workout in the morning.

    Had a kind of argue with my boyfriend over texting last night. And the night before that. I tried to be happy yesterday and not think about the argue. But when it continued last night, because he was annoying to me and I asked why, then he replied that he hasn't forgiven me the thing night before. He again blamed me for being shit, when I felt unsafe because I wasn't sure what he was doing. I hate my trauma triggers so much. When I get triggered, and if his response is to attack on me, everything explodes in my head.

    It took time to get sleep. I felt so sad. I woke up in nightmare at 5.40. In my nightmare my boyfriend was with me at some balcony, it was high top floor in some roof apartment, there were two men with their young daughters. One of the men were standing outside the balcony casually, holding on the railing. Until he fell. His daughter jumped too in panic. I don't know where the other man disappeared.... but then his daughter looked down and started panicking and she also climbed over the railing. I was screaming at her not to jump down, I'm coming to help you, but she let go of the railing before I made it to her. I didn't look down, I went hysteric and screaming at my boyfriend that what the hell is this.... Then I woke up. I have nightmares 9/10 times when I remember my dream, but usually them are about me running and hiding from something. So this dream was very disturbing to me and I can't get it out from my mind.

    So now I'm swallowing my tears, I'm very stressed out. I'm anxious for him coming to home in couple hours. We have spent 5 days separate, and now we have 2 days together and again I'm ruining it with my anxiety. I have no idea, if he is going to smile at me when he comes in, or is he coming from the door without even looking at me. I so much hope he will smile back when I smile to him.


    He just sent me a message that he is on his way home and am I ready for some.. " ;) ", you know. Now when I'm having this anxiety and my mood is low because my trauma trigger didn't fade and I was having bad thoughts about his behavior, first thing that came to my mind when he is sending something like that, is that where did he get excited, was he looking some hot girl and fantasize about her so he can't wait to have sex with me (and fantasize about her while having sex with me).

    Argh... am I stupid... or am I stupid if I don't believe myself and let his do his fantasizing... Now I spend my time while I wait for him, thinking about if he was really thinking about me or does he have someone else in his mind.

    My mind is so confused right now, I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to think, everything is messy
    need4realchg likes this.
  19. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Dear Liina,

    Apologies for my absence. I have gotten caught up with your journal.

    I see you have recognized the fears themselves are irrational/ unfounded. That is important.
    Being self aware helps confront the emotional response and trigger.
    assuming the worst in people makes us cynical, judgemental, distrusting, and unfriendly generally.

    I don’t know what is your strategy to respond to your triggers , I imagine you could respond similar to how we respond to urges?

    Do your triggers only cause anxiety?

    Do you have any behaviors that go along with your anxiety? Eating ? Cleaning? Organizing ? Doodling ? Video browsing?

    What have you tried to get free from your anxiety attacks ?

    I know you mentioned running, what if you would do exercise each time your brain dices into panic mode ?

    Btw addicts have to do a similar exercise when we are re-writing our brains to leave the comfort of porn.

    However—-the same challenge the PA has, we must be willing to accept pain. An unwillingness to accept pain restricts the ability to trust, to love, to be vulnerable. I do not have BT however as the price to pay for separating my left and right hemispheres , I struggle with these things as well.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
  20. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    I haven't really been in a mood for writing anything. I feel like I'm broken, shattered into pieces and I'm picking up the pieces of me and trying to assemble them again.

    I get different levels of anxiety, doesn't depend on how bad the trigger is, but how I have energy to deal with it mentally at the moment. If I don't have any energy, I fall in like depression. I don't feel like doing anything and everything is dark and pointless.

    I used to escape my depression for years in to videogames. I especially love playing roleplaying games, so it was like my second life there. Nowadays I can't even escape my thoughts that way. Worked for depression, but not for my anxiety attacks.

    I usually listen to music, and now I'm trying to hand write my journal more. It also helps to talk about my anxious thoughts with my boyfriend, but I don't tell everything to him, because I don't want to make him feel like I only blame him for everything. He have learned to understand me more so he knows better how to handle me.
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