Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I've found that being attracted to our spouse is something that we must consciously do sometimes... no matter how much attractive a woman, it's her husband's responsibility to cultivate his attraction towards his wife, and resist and dispel attraction towards other women (and vice versa )

    It's your SO's responsibility to love you with his whole heart, and also cultivate attraction towards you.... While it's good for you to take care of your appearance, stay attractive for him, and be committed to him emotionally and sexually, you should not have to "compete" with other women, ever... Because your bf should take care not to hurt your feelings by willfully looking at other women
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
  2. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Teach your boyfriend that SEX AND COMMITMENT CAN NEVER BE SEPARATED without disastrous effects.. this is a key factor here... If a guy fully understands and accepts that sex and commitment/true love and devotion can NEVER be truly separated, then he will lose 99% of attraction towards even beautiful women other than his wife(to whom he is not committed), while having a deeper attraction towards his wife (to whom he is committed)
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
  3. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I think this above realization, that sex and permanent commitment cannot and should not be separated, (which was taught me by Christianity), and practising that, is one of the major things that helped me to not even think one sexual thought about even very attractive women, and is one of the major motivations for me to quit PMO for good...
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
  4. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    So, if your guidance is needed, just guide your SO along the path of a mature and committed relationship with you, with both love and firmness if necessary, and try to be patient towards his minor failings... I'm praying that you both experience and cultivate an unbreakable bond of both mind and body...
     
  5. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    What exactly in her traumatized post gives you the impression that she is up for guiding anyone?
     
  6. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I meant encouraging her SO to be totally committed to her and to not make her feel like she has to compete with other attractive women..
     
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  7. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys.

    So... Like i said this day was ruined already in the morning. That trigger then was really difficult to handle. I think I didn't even handle it, I tried to get over it by forgetting it. I had plans for today. I had to go buy food, clean up, go for run.. I only went for a run because I just can't leave any workout undone, the half marathon is so close already :rolleyes:

    The run was bad. I felt like I was doing so bad. It was the worst run in some time. I didn't feel good after it.

    My boyfriend came home. For a while I felt like I was happy about him. Like I forgot every negative thing. It felt so good to hug him. He smelled so good. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. Then I got some negative thoughts, like doubting if I'm enough for him. I didn't say anything, just kept taking in all the love he gave. I took the negative thoughts aside.

    We watched TV. One of his "fantasy girls", as I would call them, was on TV. She is every day on certain channels and I'm always worried if she shows up. And there she came. I think I froze. I can't describe it but I changed totally. All I felt was my heart coming out of my chest. My neck, ears, cheeks felt hot. I was going to explode. I tried to hold it. My bf knew she triggered me, well, because he had been looking at her pics. He went very defensive before I said anything. Actually I couldn't get a word out. He got mad because I didn't reply to him. I felt like I was ready flip the table around, throw the food plate on the tv, I was ready to go totally nuts. I got more angry as he was verbally poking me. Then I yelled it: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS WRONG RIGHT NOW.

    He said why I didn't forget. I forgave him, why I get upset again?

    So he turned it as my fault. I shouldn't get triggered anymore because he apologized long time ago.

    I don't know how to handle this. He went to sleep. There he sleeps peacefully and I'm on the couch, probably not sleeping in many hours. He always says he is not interested in me and our relationship, then he can fell asleep and leave me to think about this for a whole night alone.

    Before summer he tried to support me and be understanding. When he moved away for work our relationship has changed. He is not interested anymore. I can't talk about anything anymore, he asks me to not to start again, and I'm not even starting any argue, I just want to talk in peaceful manner. And now if I'm triggered about something he feels guilty about, he does like that. Like it's my fault, like I'm just doing this to bully him.

    I feel hopeless. I've felt this especially during the summer, is this going to work out. Could we ever be happy. I'm still ready to work for this, but it feels like he thinks I'm the only one who needs to put effort. He is blaming me that I don't do anything to change to be better. And I don't see him doing anything about himself. I really think he doesn't fully understand where I am at.

    Edit. I never wanted to tell the bad things about him. But I have taken so much crap from him during this year and it starts to feel heavy. I wanted only to point out positive things on him. He is trying. But at the same time throwing all the blame on me, plus saying hurtful things.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
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  8. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Being triggered about this is exactly what anyone would feel in this situation, so it's perfectly normal....

    However, one suggestion id give you is CHANGE HOW YOU REACT
    WHEN YOU ARE TRIGGERED...

    if you feel triggered, then closing yourself off from him, being angry with him, blaming him isn't going to help much.... Angrily blaming him, while he may deserve it, will only make him more defensive...

    Instead, when you are triggered, change your approach.... Show your vulnerability to him.... Cry to him if you want, that it hurts you and that you want him to be yours only..... show that you're not blaming him but that you love him and that his gazing at other women hurts you a lot for that reason....
     
  9. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    One's SO showing vulnerability, respect, love and trust towards us, is a powerful motivator for us guys... We go into protector mode... We want to protect our woman and not want to hurt her atleast :)
     
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. First, I can't control the first moments of a trigger. I shut down, because it's like a panic hitting in. I need a moment, but today he attacked right away when he knew I was triggered. Making this whole situation my fault before I even made any move.

    Second, I cry. If I cry in front of him, he either says calmly to stop crying, or if he feels guilty, he blames me for being childish for crying.

    He comforts me when he really realizes that he went too far. When he admits that he provoked/hurt me unecessarily more.

    If I make that mistake I tell him how hurt I am by something he had done, he gets furious. I have told those things enough. I don't need to tell him anymore what in his behavior hurt me.

    I'm so tired. It's always my fault. It's always the case I need to do better, be better in any way. Your reply just made me more feel like it was my behavior that made this to go so far. I know you guys are unable to know, what it feels like inside to be triggered in this way. And I tried to explain it in my post that I didn't even say anything, until he provoked me so far. The timeline between the trigger and opening my mouth, was less than a minute. He didn't give me any space to sort my thoughts. I was in a panic mode, I didn't know yet what to do. And he was pushing me to give him answers, which he knew but he wanted to get fight going.
     
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  11. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Definitely I'm never blaming you... You sound like an extremely nice girl and your SO is a lucky guy to have such a good gf.... And whoever said it's your fault? It's NOT your fault... You experience trauma because of events that are not your fault and your bf should be sympathetic... And try his best to avoid hurting you more.... He should be holding you close and comforting you if you are in distress...

    The reason why I told you something you could do was that, in some situations, sometimes the only person we can change is ourself... We can try to become even more mentally resilient... Try to develop a cool, laid back attitude..

    I recommend you start a daily practice of meditation... Just start off by sitting alone calmly doing nothing and thinking of nothing for 15 minutes... If you do it daily, you'll experience great mental and emotional benefits, and be much more powerful against triggers
     
  12. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    First of all I was not advising YOU anything... I gave her my well meaning advice which she can consider or not according to her wishes....

    I'm not the type to encourage people to break up at the drop of a hat.... So you want her to throw in the towel and leave the relationship she has, even if she doesn't want to? She seems to value their relationship...

    And don't put words in my mouth....I never said that even if her bf was abusive towards her, then she should grin and bear it.... She seems to want to maintain her relationship and I was just giving my two cents....

    And who are you to label me a porn addict, rascal? You know nothing about me.... No one asked for your judgement of me... So get lost...
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2019
  13. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

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    Porn is detrimental to intimacy and relationships.
    It makes men feel like they don't need their wifes / gfs.
    They have unlimited supply ,so why care about a wholesome beautiful human being?
     
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  14. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    It is I who should be ignoring you.... I came here to this journal to offer encouragement and support to the OP, and you, random anonymous toxic fellow, show up and start calling me "creepy" "perv"?

    "Mansplaining?" You really are one messed up toxic individual.. You're probably one of those angry man-hating radical feminists.. I'm blocking your toxic posts from now on....
     
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  15. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    And Liina, please forgive me for losing my temper on your journal... I am not resilient enough right now to resist being provoked by toxic people like this man/woman..
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
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  16. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    Everything is antagonistic to something. Zinc is antagonistic to copper. What you perceive as "antagonistic" was simply me becoming weary of that loudmouth hillmountain bleat on and on and ON with overbearing advice to a grieving SO when he should be much more humble and self-reflective of his own behavior. And perhaps unsurprisingly, his special guidance to Liina required her to place her PA above herself, but really, that's what you guys are all about, right? Women are here to serve you and put you first, in one capacity or another. Even if it means suffering like a saint and bestowing endless patience and undying love to someone constantly hurting them.

    Even after Liina told him that his comments bothered her, that they made her feel that the situation was her fault, he doubled down and kept right on truckin'.

    What addicts are antagonistic to is reality, not to mention recognizing that other people also have needs, boundaries, and limits. Women are not saints who should treat men like treasured children when their own emotional state has long reached a state of emergency.

    If I know more than you do, good for me. I certainly hope so, because you're missing some pretty basic shit. Such as...

    Rule #1: Don't bully an SO in her own fucking thread, countering her every post with demands and instructions.
     
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  17. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Wow, I wasn't expecting this thread to explode like this :D well anyway, thank you for thinking about my well being, but please no arguing here :)

    @hillmountain I know your intentions are good but I really was in very sensitive state on Friday and already my bf made me feel like it's all my fault every time so i read one of your replies in that "it's all my fault" - state of mind.
     
  18. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I'm feeling numb. I have used my emotions and now I'm empty. I think we argued more in one weekend than ever, but my bf said we have had worse. It can be true because I lose my sense of time when I'm too deep.

    But i think this was the first time we didn't move forward. After fights I used to feel more peaceful and got some trust and I felt we were stronger and happier. This time it didn't happen. Friday's triggers are still stressing me out. I feel out relationship is too damaged at the moment and we still have to wait couple weeks before he can move back home, then he will be one week at home and one week away again. After that, he will stay home and not leave me hopefully for so long periods of time.

    That one week we will have kind of summer holiday together. I don't want to create high hopes for that, but I hope when we will have a whole week just the two of us, we will repair some of the damage this summer has brought to us. I so much hope he will listen what I want to say, and he would remain calm and not lose his temper too easily. I hope that he would say something too, and not only listen to me and want to get over it quickly. BTW, it's the most annoying thing try to tell something important, and he would continue playing a game saying he can listen, and then he asks what did I say because he didn't concentrate... I hate that it feels like I was his mother. Luckily with him that doesn't happen so often.

    I felt the most ugly ever the whole weekend. I've had some acne problem some years ago and it's not bad anymore, but during this weekend I feel like it suddenly got bad. I didn't put any effort on my looks, no make up, and hair just in a bun, wearing ugly home clothes or sport clothes. He just saw me so ugly the whole weekend. I hate myself for that. As I wrote before I feel like I have to compete. Now I didn't put any effort, let myself to be disgusting. But we didn't go anywhere. I won't put makeup or better clothes if we go for a walk into the forest.

    We took forest walk twice this weekend. First time we still didn't talk to each other, we just said let's take a walk and walked grumpy until in the forest trail we saw something funny and joked about it. It's better to go walking in some place where are no other people and it's always easier to talk about things. We always had the best conversations during walking.

    But now I'm again feeling depressed about the argues, my triggers feels very heavy and I don't really know how to get over them. When we texted just earlier, he was back at his second home and I was feeling paranoid and worried and everything and I didn't want to write any nice messages, he got annoyed by my replies and now I'm mad at him and he's probably mad at me so I'm again extra anxious and I don't know how to survive another 5 days alone again.

    We were doing so good in some point early in the summer. Now it's getting just worse all the time. I hate myself.
     
  19. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I'm not even going to reply to such an obnoxious post, which is UTTERLY DISRESPECTFUL in it's tone towards me, lacks even elementary school manners towards another person , and is filled with personal attacks and uncharitable false assumptions about a well meaning person...

    First of all I do not need YOUR disrespectful suggestions... The op felt that my message came at a painful time and said that she felt like it seemed to be blaming her, which I assured her was not the case at all, along with my apology for being slightly tactless... That was between myself and her, and I do not need your disrespectful comments to correct me on anything.. first go and learn some basic manners, as I see your parents failed miserably at teaching you that one....

    And don't worry op, I won't even be looking at this person's posts again... Let alone giving them the trollish pleasure of being provoked and arguing with them... But as a Christian, I will try to forgive this person for their disrespect and lack of even basic manners towards me....
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2019
  20. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I never faulted you with anything and will not fault you with anything in future... You are already doing what is right, and you and I know that you are good... I was just suggesting some more steps that you could take, for preventing a fight with your bf,who undoubtedly is at the fault here, ultimately for your happiness..... Of course I understand that my comment came at a hurtful time for you and was perhaps worded wrongly...

    If my comments hurt you , then it was not what I intended and was totally unwittingly, as I have NO intention of hurting anyone, least of all a hurting SO, and for that I apologise.. I just wanted to give some constructive advice, instead of the "dump the evil guy immediately" advice that most people nowadays give....
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2019

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