Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Never hate yourself for anything, friend... It is a pointless exercise, hating oneself and having excessive guilt... It serves no good purpose at all...

    We can do what we think is the right thing.. But if it doesn't give the expected results, never lose hope in yourself, never hate yourself and dispel any excessive guilt, which is not very helpful at all...

    Try to take care of yourself, for your own sake first, your health, your appearance, try to cultivate a quiet and peaceful mind, for which meditation can be very helpful... Just sit alone, thinking of nothing and doing nothing for about 15 mins... Taking care of your welfare and peace of mind is the first thing for anything, as we cannot pour from an empty cup...

    And never think that you are ugly, even though you may feel like it sometimes.. you are a unique and beautiful human being with beauty and also a good heart irrespective of any external makeup...
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2019
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend is not evil, we have bad arguments and he has some things to learn but so do I. And I want to believe that we will both learn to be better toward each other.

    No one has suggested me to dump him. And I don't really care if someone does, this is not my first boyfriend and I have dealt with so much worse in the past, so I think I know myself the best if it would be better to dump him. And I'm the only one here who knows the real life situation.

    We have serious issues. But he have shown me that he tries his best, and he really cares about me. If he didn't, I bet he wouldn't take all of this from me. My issue is that I don't know how to trust in his word. His issue is that he has short temper and doesn't think what he's saying when he's mad.

    Positive side is that he doesn't hold grudges very long. He's always first one who is tired of being mad. I might be more challenging because I'm not always ready to get back in to normal so soon.

    On the other subject, that just came in my mind. We had a moment of connection on Saturday when I was talking to him again about what kind of loyalty and honesty I want in relationship. He was like he knows it and he thinks the same and haven't I noticed it yet how much we are alike. He asked to tell me any difference between us. Nothing really big came in my mind. So I should believe that he is thinking like me, in those things that really matter, and not only saying it to keep me happy ?

    When we started to like each other, it really caught me when I could have conversations with him about subjects that really interested me, for example science, nature, games, technology, and he seemed to know about them very much. It wasn't just me talking but he also told me things I didn't knew and I was like wow he's so smart, and loved how we could have so interesting conversations which have been rare to me. I liked it how he was so interested about things. Especially nature and animals. He also has very humble dreams of the future. He would be happy to live in a lakeside shack with me alone, with a little garden. But if we are blessed he wants kids. He watches those living in Alaska TV shows and dreaming about that kind of simple life. That would be just fine for me too!
     
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  3. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    It was the worst night in long time. I'm scared of dark. It has been 2 nights in a row when I feel scared to be alone in this apartment in the dark time. I have to clean up the bedroom, close all the wardrobe doors, as well as the room door. I also put dim night light on. I was still scared.

    I woke up many times during the night feeling very anxious. I think I had multiple nightmares every time I fell asleep again. I woke up early in the morning again feeling very anxious and scared. I texted to my boyfriend that I'm scared and I slept very poorly. He's always at work very early so he replied back soon and tried to comfort me it's only going to be couple weeks left.

    I was able to get some more sleep for couple hours in the morning. After couple cups of coffee I started to feel better. I'm feeling well at the moment. I have a lot work to do that's stressing me out.

    I should be looking for a internship position. I had to start writing applications yesterday but again, I wasn't able to function at all. Right now I'm telling myself that I have to start working on it. I MUST. I want to graduate next year. I MUST graduate.

    I'm very worried about am I able to work through internship in this condition? It is going to be very demanding, I have much to learn, so I should be well rested and my brain has to be well functioning every day at work, I have to be able to learn and think. What if I get weekly meltdowns and spend sleepless nights. How am I going to survive the internship like that. When I start working, it will be huge change in my life, because it's not going to be "just work", I have to put myself 1000% on that so I will success, I have to learn new everyday, I have to document my learning process, I have to write thesis at the same time. Not going to be easy even with healthy brain.

    I don't know what to do with it. Do I have time to focus on healing a bit longer. Should I risk it? I'm tired of people asking questions about my internship. They think I'm lazy shit, or pathetic loser for not getting a position yet. I don't want to say "I'm mentally too ill to work on it"

    I had two job interviews during the spring. The second one was so bad. I think they saw it in me that I wasn't stable. I just had huge trigger before walking in there. I was so embarrassed afterwards. I don't want to experience that again. After that I stopped trying and decided to let myself rest for the summer. And now summer is nearly over and I'm even worse.

    So trying to decide here do I work on my on going project or write an application.
     
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  4. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time Liina :( It is awful having to hide away from everyone at work the mental trauma you're going through, I know the situation well and it totally sucks! Also being scared of the dark - I hate the dark and am irrationally terrified of intruders - sending sympathy and a hug. You're doing so great focusing on self care and healing, you can be proud of yourself! :) Is there any one you can talk to about the stuff you're going through and its impact on the decision you're making about when to do internship applications, someone who knows more about your work situation and could advise, like a counsellor at your university or a family member or close friend? I've found that sometimes talking to someone has really helped me work out what it's best to do when in those really difficult dilemma kind of situations.
     
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  5. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    You're doing great.. don't lose confidence even if you feel others may be thinking negatively of you if you don't meet a deadline... They don't know of your struggles, and so they're not in a position to judge you...

    Try to dismiss the feeling that your struggling alone without anyone to empathize, many people are going through like struggles to yours, and we are here to empathize with you ..


    Yeah, getting these things out to someone will lighten the mind more... You have gotten these things to us, (your online family) and we are there for you... And it's even better to confide your stress in the therapist or, as the above poster says, to someone in your work situation who will be understanding...
     
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  6. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    And also, gradually work on finding that inner peace within yourself, and that inner confidence, no matter what our ability may be.... Try to cultivate that gradually.... Meditation can be of some help...
     
  7. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @LuxPerpetua and @hillmountain , feeling better after reading your kind answers :)

    I've told my mother sometimes how I struggle with everything and she's suggesting me to take it easy. She always says I'm too hard on myself. And my mental health is more important to fix first. But it's difficult to relax because I want to be successful. I'm already on overtime with my studies. I've carried the betrayal trauma with me through all these years while trying to study hard, and during this year I felt I experienced burnout (last burnout was on my first year of studies in 2015, found out my ex's PA in 2014). I often feel like a loser, because I didn't do enough.

    My boyfriend is also saying that I don't have to push myself too much, if I simply can't do anything on that day. Just today, I complained how disappointed I am with myself again, because I did so little. And I can't concentrate on anything. He told me to go play some games. I can't even play games because that makes me feel a loser too, a loser who is turning back on responsibilities and going to have fun. I'm not allowed to have fun, if I don't work first. Then I spend my whole day trying to find some work mentality and some peace of mind so I can focus on my work. I'm a mess. :D

    I'm definitely going to talk about this with my therapist next time.
     
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  8. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to the extreme pressure.. (I think many of us can).... My undergraduate days at medical college were pure hell.. as I was still struggling with pmo, the severe effects of pmo withdrawal combined with the extreme stress and pressure of medical college (especially in a third world country), pressure from my family, from myself, from my desire to quit pmo as well as my desire to outperform others in my studies.... I was borderline suicidal with severe anxiety-depression... And I couldn't even tell anyone about it (except my church priest)... And I couldn't even show any sign of weakness as I had built up a strong outward image of myself....

    The only thing that got me through those hellish days was my faith in God, and I also took a new perspective..... Instead of studying to outperform others, become famous etc (which placed a lot of pressure on me while studying) ... I decided to study hard for the sake of doing good to people and leave the results to God... That took off a lot of pressure on me, helped me to get top grades in final year, and enabled me to get through severe depression and anxiety without any meds, (although they would have certainly helped).. and also I gave myself some time off even in the busy exam days for short relaxation...
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2019
  9. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Of course, if I had just quit pmo for good many years ago, then I would have saved myself a world of trouble.... However, I have forgiven myself for my past failures... I've given myself grace, since I genuinely wanted to quit pmo even back then but couldn't since it was extremely hard....
     
  10. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    I think we SOs tend to be people with caring hearts and high ideals that we hold ourselves too, which is good, but sometimes we're too hard on ourselves. It sounds like you're doing everything you can Liina, and the people closest to you (your mom and boyfriend) can see that and are telling you to feel free to relax and go easy on yourself :) I know it's so hard to silence that inner voice of guilt. Something that sometimes helps me is to think what I would tell myself if I were my friend looking at myself from the outside... From what I've read in your journal you're a strong, brave, and dedicated young woman working to heal from terrible trauma and hurt, you're doing an amazing job!
     
    Liina likes this.
  11. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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  12. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Hey Liina,

    I wanted to mention something I learned from the books Hold Me Tight and Love Sense, which are written by the creator of emotionally focused therapy, a research based type of couples therapy that is rooted in attachment theory. Basically, starting in childhood, with a parent, we attach to a primary caregiver who either helps us feel safe and connected or unsafe and disconnected. It continues into adulthood with our romantic partner.

    My husband and I have greatly benefited from EFT (emotionally focused therapy). We tried other couples counselors but nothing helped us until EFT. We did four months with one EFT trained therapist, moved, and then a year with another one. It helped us so much!

    As I read your journal I noticed:

    Absolutely. What we write here at nofap is only a small sliver and no one should assume they know the whole story just from reading one post or even all our posts.

    EFT showed me that the patterns we were going through were not stuff that we struggled with alone. So many couples actually struggle with very similar things. In my relationship, I have what's called an anxious attachment. I tend to reach out to my husband and when I don't feel that connection I need I tend to explode in anger. Then I am quickly ready to make up. My husband is avoidant. Due to evens of his childhood and not knowing how to connect on an intimate level/how to express his emotions or handle the emotions of others, he pulls away in an effort to keep the peace. Typically, but not always, it is the man that is the withdrawer and the woman that is anxious. (Someone with healthy coping/relationship skills is referred to as securely attached.) In some cases, after a history of getting hurt (in a previous relationship, like with your PA boyfriend, or in your current relationship) a securely attached partner or an anxious partner can begin to withdraw.

    For me, it was helpful to know that many others go through these same struggles. With help from our therapist we were able to begin to identify our triggers and the moments when we began a fight (or as EFT says, a negative cycle) and, eventually, with practice, how to stop the negative cycle before it got out of control. And how to speak to each other about our deep needs and fears rather than falling into the cycle.

    I'm glad you found a therapist who was helpful to you. That is so important! Especially feeling safe and feeling empathy.

    However, I think she doesn't understand attachment if she told you that we don't explode at people unless we feel safe with them. What she said can be true in certain situations. But it's not why you were having outbursts of rage in this case.

    What happens to you when you explode like that is scary and no fun for anyone. I know, because I do the same thing! I have done it over and over. I always feel so awful after it happens, because now here I have done it again and I've pushed my husband away when all I want is to have him close. It's my fault we're having problems. But EFT helped me understand what was happening, why I was exploding like that and how to stop it from getting to that point. (Sometimes. Or at least not get as bad.)

    Basically, what happens with my husband and I (and lots of couples fall into this pattern) the anxious partner, me, reaches out for comfort and reassurance. Are you there for me? Do you love me? And the avoidant partner, my husband, due to his childhood and difficulty connecting, doesn't catch my signals or isn't able to respond in a way that makes me feel safe. So I try more and try harder. I reach out with more urgency. Eventually, I explode. But the trigger for the explosion started much earlier. When I first reached out and didn't feel he was there for me. Maybe I let it go in the beginning but eventually it reaches a point where I can't hold it in. Here's more about it.

    It doesn't make you a bad person when you explode. There are reasons for it. And your anxiety and fear or whatever you are feeling may not even be rooted in what is happening right then with your partner. It might be about events of your childhood, a past relationship or past events in your current relationship. Working with an EFT therapist helped us identify those patterns, keep them from happening so badly (we still have bumps in the road but they don't last as long or get as bad as they used to) and teach the avoidant partner how to stop withdrawing and the anxious partner how to reach out and ask for connection in a less intense and scary (to both people) way.

    I'm not saying this therapist is bad. She may be able to help you a lot. It's just that I have been in that situation, where a therapist said something to me that was confusing to me. Like that, if you didn't feel safe with your boyfriend you wouldn't explode at him. If it were me I'd be thinking, wait, but I don't feel safe. What's wrong with me then? I thought perhaps I could provide a piece of the puzzle that could help you know you are normal and you are NOT alone!
     
  13. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    @ILoathePwife thank you so much, your post is very helpful. I'm going to talk about this with my boyfriend.
     
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  14. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    After a quick processing of the text above.

    I have told my boyfriend that I usually explode when I need emotional connection from him, some validation that he still loves me, or validation that he has been faithful to me, and when he got frustrated too early before knowing what I want. I need him + he doesn't get it = explosion.

    He has learned that,
    (Or in some point I felt he had learned, but during summer we've had some struggles with being emotionally close and maybe he has forgotten? ) and sometimes he can avoid the explosion by remembering what I need . There are some kind of situations where he loses it. If he's just very tired, or tense for some other reason.

    I've also tried to think how to exit the cycle before it goes too far. I suggested that we would take a time out so we can calm our nerves and then have a conversation without yelling or nasty words. Last time we didn't remember to do that, but I said it afterwards that we forgot what we promised to do in case of a fight.

    I've also thought about what my therapist said about the safety. Maybe she meant something that I didn't fully understand, or then I didn't give her enough information yet. It was our first meeting and she barely knows what's up with me. I thought maybe I know it inside that my boyfriend is safe person. I trust him that he loves me enough to see we can walk through this storm together.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2019
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  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    @ILoathePwife

    Thank you very much—this insight is exactly what I have dealt with as well.

    Haven’t seen anything like this in the forums before , I think many other men and women need to be exposed to eft.
     
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  16. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I think you did understand what she was saying. That is a real thing, that she mentioned. I've heard it in reference to children. They hold it together all day at school, act the best they can, then they come home to the safety of their parents and fall apart, have a meltdown. It could apply with a romantic partner too. I should have said that I didn't think that's exactly what was happening, not that it wasn't what was happening for sure.

    I don't mean to suggest that your boyfriend isn't safe. When I mentioned not feeling safe, it can also be just not feeling safe that you are loved, cared for and won't be left alone/have your needs ignored. Not that he isn't a good person or might intentionally hurt you. Also, it can be simultaneously true that he is safe and that you don't feel safe. Maybe you don't feel safe because of something that happened into your childhood, something that happened in a previous relationship or something that happened previously with this boyfriend.

    This is exactly what happens with me too. It's part of having an anxious attachment. Something that helps me is recognizing when I'm feeling like this, early on, and speaking up about it in a clear way. Like saying, I am feeling that seeking/anxious feeling. I need some reassurance about X. I've had to learn how to be very specific with my husband on what I need him to do or say because he didn't receive comfort or reassurance as a child, so he literally doesn't know how to do it. It has taken us both a lot of practice to learn how to do this.

    Also, something I had to learn with EFT is that it isn't that one partner isn't bad and the other good. It's just how both of you are. playing find the bad guy, as EFT calls it, never helps, it only widens the divide. And I used to play find the bad guy a lot! Rather than blaming the other person both partners need to learn how to dig deep past the secondary emotions (anger, frustration) and express the more vulnerable primary emotions like, I'm feeling afraid you will abandon me. I am scared. I feel hurt. That's hard to do and takes practice.

    This is key. Taking a time out is a really good strategy. And it's important to calm things down before the cycle gets too far. However, don't be too surprised if you forget how to do this in the moment. It takes a lot of hard work and practice to do this correctly! I would tell myself I'd do this, over and over, and over and over I'd forget. I'd get so mad with myself. But with the help of our therapist I realized that the cycle was starting a lot earlier than I realized and that I had deep down primary emotions I wasn't even consciously aware of. So by the time I tried to stop the cycle it was way too late. The key is stopping the cycle quickly, before things get out of control.
     
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  17. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I agree that more people need to know about EFT. And more therapists need to be trained in it! My husband and I tried two other therapists not trained in EFT and either they didn't help at all or they made things worse. Once I learned about EFT I was so mad I'd wasted time with anything else. According to the ICEEFT: "A substantial body of research outlining the effectiveness of EFT now exists. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements."

    EFT trained therapists can be found here.

    EFT marriage retreats are also held around the world.

    There's also an online program.
     
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  18. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I think it's sum of everything you mentioned there.

    I think we both do that with my bf. We also have discussed about being in the same side rather than against each others. We read an article about fighting in relationship and that was mentioned there. Like, we should be a team and not enemies.

    We have to learn all the emotion stuff. So we can better understand ourselves and find what's wrong before engaging into fighting.
     
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  19. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    This summer was very long, lonely, sad, anxious.

    In May, when my bf had to leave me and go to work to other city, I felt I was panicking because I had this overwhelming fear of getting betrayed again. I struggled with trust, on himself and on myself too. Because my intuition is/was so messed up and I didn't know when I should believe my feelings or what he's saying. When I thought upcoming summer I was terrified and hopeless. I was kind of losing control when I had to let him go. I didn't see him daily anymore, instead we had to spend 5 days apart. Every week.

    I was like thrown to wolves. I didn't know how to survive. I was desperately trying my best to stay alive.

    I got used to being alone quite fast. In few weeks maybe. I actually liked being by myself. I felt lonely everyday (when I was home alone), but in some moments I enjoyed the silence and those peaceful moments where I could only focus on my own thoughts. I spent many days only inside the apartment, going out only for a run. I rarely went food shopping during the week. My bf noticed that and he wanted to go together food shopping for me on Sundays before he left. That was sweet of him.

    I noticed this week that this summer I made a lot of progress actually. I had to adapt. I didn't have a choice. And I survived.

    I have gained so much trust on my bf during this time apart. I always knew that I can't control certain things, and I shouldn't worry too much those things I can't control. But it was very difficult to live by it. I think I have learned it better now. I feel more peaceful now, because I trust him he doesn't want to hurt me (any more). And if he decides to go look at P, that is something I can't do anything about. I still don't accept it, and if I found out he has done that the consequences would be bad. But I have to stop worrying about it.

    In June my overall mood was better than before. I felt there was hope and I started healing from BT well. In July everything collapsed. I was very depressed the whole month. I thought I had lost all the hope and I was desperate, felt like I was never going to heal, and I had doubts about the future that I was never able to live normal life.

    Today was supposed to be my bf's last day at work. He was supposed to spend next week with me, before he's going to be away one week again. Plans have changed and he's going to work one more week. So it will be 2 weeks left without him. Two weeks... it has been so many weeks already, so two weeks is nothing anymore. But on the other hand I can't wait anymore. I had the mindset already that he will stay home next week, and it feels sad that he's not. But, it's only two more weeks.

    I can't wait to start our new life after this shitty period. This has been a place to grow for both of us. The only way to go from here is upwards.

    I'm so excited to see him today. This is my birthday weekend and he has been excited about it, he has been different this week, in a good way. He has been shopping a gift for me, and told that his parents have something for me too. Haha, when he's excited about something, he can't hold his mouth shut. I had to say him that I like surprises, I don't want to know any clues :D

    Have a good weekend everybody :)
     
  20. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    Happy birthday @Liina :) Hope you have a lovely weekend together :)
     
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