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Loneliness leads to sexual acting out

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by luckybeard, Jul 4, 2016.

  1. luckybeard

    luckybeard Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,
    I am glad there is such a section on this forum I think it is important!
    I wanted to share some thoughts on this topic.
    I came here because I wanted to stop fapping, but it's not my problem, I came to decision it was a consequence.
    My key problem is feel of loneliness and abandonment. Also I feel I need to be validated by women, I need an attention an care.
    So my pattern is: I feel lonely, I want to be around women
    -> then I feel that I need to find a women, before alcohol was part of my solution, but even drunk I was trying to meet some girl in a bar, and was frequently successful with that, after I quit drinking it was mostly find girl online
    -> then being on dating sites made me horny, and instead of looking for normal connection I start to looking just for something which can fix me immediately, which is sex, or which is more immediate and fast, cyber sex as substitute, sexting, just live sexual interaction with woman
    -> then I either find a quick partner online or if not just fap to porn.

    So now, since I have up fap and online dating, I don't really feel urges to fap or watch porn cause I don't move to step 2.
    But I stuck in my state of loneliness. I found that since I don't have dating sites now I switched to real life more. But it's going better. I don't chase any girl, I am just obsessively want to find a girlfriend.
    I feel it is something what really will make me happy. You know I am pretty happy with my life, I have everything, except of relationships. I feel like I have so many love to give to someone, I just need to find this object to throw all my love and care too. It is not sounds healthy to me. And also I remember being in relationships, I feel different way. It's not that important to me when I have it, I began to question if it's the girl I really want to be with, I start to see that person is not perfect, etc. I think I have plenty of work to do.

    What helps me?
    Staying busy. I have pretty tight schedule on weekdays, and when my brain is busy I don't feel that lonely.
    Of course I have my AA meetings, and some friends around there.
    SLAA meetings.
    This forum.
    Meditation and prayers.
    Going outside, not spend much time at home.

    Guys, if you can recommend some books on the topic, I would appreciate it!
     
  2. MrCAllen301986

    MrCAllen301986 Fapstronaut

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    You should check out a book called, "The Brain that Changes Itself". It's by a man named Norman Doidge and in it, there's a chapter that talks about porn addiction and how it changed the plasticity of our brains and how we can heal our brains. It's a good read.
     
    luckybeard likes this.
  3. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Or go to this page http://www.mymensgroup.net/addiction-recovery-resources.html and click on the "Sex and the Brain" video. Also a good resource. There are also a ton of other great book excerpts on that site that might peak your interest and give you a preview of ones you might be interested in.
     
  4. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    @luckybeard, honestly... you need to learn to be happy living life without others. Then, once you have figured out how to do that, add a person to share that life with. You describe yourself as being woefully dependent on the validation of others. People are imperfect and they will always let you down, it is not fair for you to start a relationship with someone else when your happiness is unhealthily tied to their approval and praise.

    You should start analyzing yourself and try to figure out why you feel the need to be validated by others. Maybe someone on these forums can give you some tips on how to proceed.
     
    Dan_Mann and luckybeard like this.
  5. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    If you do this, you will smother that person. And, when that person falters because they are imperfect, you will get upset because they let you down. You will tell yourself... "How can this person be so mean and selfish, I gave them everything they could ever want and they still did X to me." That person will hate your smothering of them, they will feel trapped, they will feel that they can never be human around you, because they will worry about upsetting the balance.

    If that is not you, I am sorry.

    I know someone who smothers everyone they decide to have a real relationship with. I feel really bad for the guy, but, he is responsible for every relationship he ruins. He offers friendship with conditions and the conditions are impossible to maintain. He will shower his friends with gifts and praise and smiles and support. But, if you get busy and neglect him and make him feel like he is not important to you, he gets real upset.

    Is that you?
     
    luckybeard likes this.
  6. luckybeard

    luckybeard Fapstronaut

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    @JustADude man thanks for response, you are right, it's about me. But I still kinda don't want to hear it, I mean staying away of relationships until I got better. It scares me, my last hope
     
  7. vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut

    @luckybeard : i used to be addicted to porn cam too, wasted my time and my money. i didn't look for an instant sex in cam sites. instead i tried to build a relationship with them. and u know, cam models are good at creating a fantasy for us. that fantasy keeps us come back to them. and finally, i realized the relationship i built with those models wasn't real. sadly, it was all fake and virtual. the more i feel happy on internet, the less happy i feel in real life.
    and like you, i fell to the hole of loneliness, i felt empty all the time. however, thank god i left that behind by focus on other things. it's all concentration that leads the way. try it and u will see.

    try meditation and prayers for 1 hour instead of 10 minutes
    try reading a book for 1 hour instead of 10 minutes

    the more hours u can focus on ONLY ONE thing, the more concentration you get, and you will get better and less lonely, but it's gonna be tough at first, But i think u can do it.

    books which i think can grab your attention are novels. i don't think non-fiction or philosophy books is a good idea.

    1. The illiad - by Homer
    2. The Odyssey - by Homer
    3. Robinson Crusoe - by Daniel Defoe
    4. The Time Machine - by HGWell
    ...
    or just pick a novel that interests you
     
    luckybeard likes this.
  8. luckybeard

    luckybeard Fapstronaut

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    @vulture175 Thanks for your response! Very helpful message I really appreciate it!
     

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