lonely and angry

Ive been watching porn since the internet just came out. I’m on the east coast and go back to the erols internet days. The 28.8 kbps dialup modem was nice, but the 56 kbps was the holy grail. Then, coax cable internet came out and all bets were off.

I’m so fucked up people. So much porn, I was like twelve when this started. I’m now 33. Eleven fucking years. My teens, my twenties, and now my thirties, all marred by sexual bullshit. Am I going to turn 40 and have this still being a major negative factor in my life?

Odds are yes. See, my brain doesn’t serve me, I serve my brain. My brain has these chemical wants and needs, and I hop to fucking attention. It says jump and I say how high. I avoid conflict. I don’t assert myself, I let people walk all over me. And when I get angry or feel strong emotions, I have trusty mind numbing porn to turn to. I am a lost.

I lost all my friends. I have like one friend now, a good brother, and a piece of shit brother.

Sometimes, very secret stuff here, I have suicidal thoughts mostly isn’t the vein of like a weird revenge fantasy. “Oh my brother doesn’t respect me or reciprocate my brotherly affection, well I bet if I killed myself he would be tortured.” Writing that now, it’s so pathetic. He probably wouldn’t care, life goes on, no one cares in the end.

I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m not a moron, I won’t harm myself. But, life is torture. I feel like, if life is a boxing match, I’ve been knocked out over and over again. And, now, the injuries suffered are permanent. It’s irreversible. I’m a piece of shit example if damaged goods.

My life is fucked and I’m going to ruin the lives of the people closest to me through association. I’ve lost hope.

Quiting porn and masturbation and orgasming almost seems like no big deal compared to the demons in my head. What darkness. What awful darkness I carry around. I hate this. I don’t know if this rebooting crap will help, but I have nothing better to do.