Lonely and unable to talk to attractive women.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by TealKoala, May 12, 2018.

  1. TealKoala

    TealKoala Fapstronaut

    Hi nofap,

    I'm 31 years old and 1 month ago after 12 years of unwanted celibacy I decided to hire an escort to lose my virginity. I was successful but in the process I had some performance issues that reminded me of things I'd read on yourbrainonporn and seen in the TED talk on the subject and decided to start a reboot. I've had one girlfriend in my life who I dated for almost two years and to this day she is the only girl I've been on a date with. She and the escort are the only women I have been with intimately and in my 31 years of life I have only asked out two women. I was hoping when hiring the escort and losing my virginity I would gain confidence in that aspect of my life but it didn't really happen. Instead I find myself crippled by shyness and fear and unable to approach women.

    I have tried a lot of things, reading dating coach advice, social dynamics, online dating apps, enrolling in classes just to meet girls but nothing has gotten me over this crippling fear when it comes to talking to women. I know it's a confidence thing but I'm not really sure how to build up that confidence and overcome this fear when I feel so stagnant in this area.

    I am currently on day 30 with no P and day 11 without MO and am really hoping that this helps me change eventually but right now I am probably flat lining. I want to stick it out and finish at least 90 days on this reboot but I find myself constantly getting triggered by my loneliness and inability to talk to women. I feel like if I don't take some kind of action on this thing that is really bothering me about myself I'm going to keep getting triggered whenever I see a pretty girl I can't talk to and eventually relapse just because it eases the pain.

    I could use some encouragement or advice from this community, especially if you've dealt with approach anxiety and were able to improve after a reboot.
    Deleted Account and David6 like this.
  2. Jungler

    Jungler Fapstronaut

    They way you describe everything makes me think you're overthinking too much and you study every approach before engaging with women.

    Man, the worst thing that can happen is a rejection. Maybe not a resounding 'No' but any girl will give you the hint of her disinterest. Please don't let it bother you, let things fly over your head and move on - And don't make the stupid mistake to relapse over a rejection. You're mature enough to realise that to every action there is consequence.

    Anxiety will go away by the time you've abstained long enough from pmo.
  3. immadothis

    immadothis Fapstronaut

    do it for something else man, to better yourself, for yourself, use the energy for working out, studying etc
    Deleted Account and Hitto like this.
  4. KillCommunism

    KillCommunism Fapstronaut

    I deal with this everyday at work. Very difficult.
    TealKoala likes this.
  5. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    That escort was a bad choice. It give even more shame, creating walls between you and women.

    I never talked much with women. Now I'm growing out of my crap and suddenly I see myself talk with women.
    Not because I "want something" from her, but just because I want to have a little small talk with her.

    Forget about women. First focus on your own issues. Your insecurities and fears.
    If the time is right, you will see the communication is going more easy.
    Hitto and Legendz like this.
  6. Oh man, why to run behind women. Why not be a magnet and let women get attracted towards you.
    Hitto and DrAwesome04 like this.
  7. Theultimatefighter_21

    Theultimatefighter_21 Fapstronaut

    One thing: Don't run to Women, improve yourself, workout, study, treat them well, but don't let your intentions be shown, do natural talk and they will come to you.
    DrAwesome04 likes this.
  8. That's tough to here, I get nervous sometimes around attractive women and sometimes not at all its strange some days very confident others unsure I think maybe its a testosterion thing.
  9. TealKoala

    TealKoala Fapstronaut

    In response to a few of these I'd just like to say, I am working out a lot since starting this reboot. So far I've lost 10 pounds which is a lot since I'm not that out of shape. I've been told I'm attractive even when I don't feel it and while I am not as active a reader as I was in college I consider myself a well learned intelligent person. The issue is I think that I can't translate those good qualities in myself into confidence with women. Also while I've had some low points recently not all of the last 12 years has just been a waste of time. I feel like if women were going to come to me it would have happened by now, maybe as my streak gets longer and the "super powers" kick in that will change.

    How do other fapstronauts cope with the loneliness and frustration while rebooting? I agree that working on oneself and being the best person I can be is a great goal and it's something I plan on continuing no matter what but, I started this reboot for two reasons. One to fix the performance issues I had with the escort and two to improve my confidence with women. As of yet I haven't felt any changes in the confidence thing and I think the other night in the original post I was just feeling really low after chickening out when trying to talk to a girl.

    Also thank you all for replying, it's very liberating to have a community to talk to about these things.
    Deleted Account and MasterGamer like this.
  10. TealKoala

    TealKoala Fapstronaut

    Thanks for this, you are right about me over thinking things and it's probably the number one thing that inhibits me from talking to them is not being able to get out of my own head. I really haven't been rejected more than one time in my life so I'm not sure if that's what I'm afraid of. Also I really hope your right with the anxiety thing, I just need to be patient I guess.
  11. TealKoala

    TealKoala Fapstronaut

    You seem to be on a pretty long streak, do you feel like your testosterone improved by rebooting?
  12. I can say yes to that ,I find when I work out I am less tired before when I faped a lot I was always dragging myself to workout out and barley getting threw it now I get threw it feeling less drained
  13. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

    I think you should just focus on NoFap and getting better and find a purpose higher than attracting women for example I stopped pmo not because it will help me attract women I stopped because I realize how much harm and shame it brought into my soul and reconnected with god to give me forgiveness and to move on w d beat this addiction to live up to my full potential and to become my true self. FYI I never been a relationship and had few sexual encounters with women but I won’t let that define me as who I am as a man through this journey you will have ups and downs but realize that seeking validation outside of yourself is a temporary fix and nobody is gonna to love you more than yourself and once you have self-love and respect others will follow suit start doing things that give you fufilment and stop using external things as your source of happiness I still haven’t gotten in a relationship or haven’t gotten any sex or been on many date after being on a 14 month streak almost but I’m a lot more content with myself and everyday I decide to not watch porn I feel better about myself and know that I’m striving for something better
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    There's no super powers that will kick in. You're still conditioned by porn to seek easy, certain, and instant gratification. Which is a problem when you have to deal with the pain, problems, and negative experiences of life. You can't have the positive without learning to handle the negative.

    The point of nofap is create room in your life for better things. To let go of escapism and do the scary, uncomfortable, and difficult things to develop your reality.

    Confidence is something you work for. You need courage whenever you're challenging something you're uncomfortable and inexperienced with. Repeated courage allows you to develop competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence.

    People who like to indulge in porn are usually people that like to escape reality's problems. When you neglect your reality, then you put a halt to the process of gaining competence and confidence in various areas of your life.

    Sure. Working on yourself is always a good thing, but you can also start to challenge your fear of interacting with women right now. You'll never be ready and there will always be something to improve. A perfectionist always needs more research and preparation before actually going for what they want. You need to be failing and getting rejected in order to get better at something. All that research you've done is useless without experiencing it all yourself and finding your own way of doing things that work for you. You won't be able to grow and learn if you take each failure and rejection personally.

    When will you feel or be ready? When will you feel like you're good enough and deserve great things and people in life?

    Losing your virginity to an escort didn't work and neither will having a girlfriend. Seeking external things and people won't fix the experience that you have with yourself. "If I have this and that, then I'll be happy." Nope, you'll always need something else and something more to prove to yourself that you're good enough.

    It's important to address why you NEED a relationship. Why you don't feel enough without someone else boosting your self worth. Why you fear interacting with women. Why a woman with attractive physical attributes causes you anxiety. Why you need external pre-requisites before you think you're worthy of great people and things in your life. Why you need to prove to yourself or to others.

    Outcomes with the external are uncertain. Sometimes you'll get what you want and sometimes you won't. If your self worth depends on the external outcomes, then you'll always be reacting emotionally and chaotically to the whims of life's random events. The place that you want to get to is following your desires fully, but letting go of the outcome. The bad outcomes you don't take personally and you learn from them. The good outcomes are just natural consequences of the better person that you've become.

    The place that your self worth should come from is doing things that make you proud. Solving problems that you enjoy and interests you. So instead of depending on the outcome with a woman, you get your self worth and build your confidence from the act of actually trying and taking a risk. The curiosity of seeing what will happen. The excitement of the tension and uncertainty. Fear (protecting yourself from negative experiences) is just excitement without breathing (thriving under chaos and uncertainty). Do this enough times and you'll gain more courage, competence, and confidence because you're doing the scary and difficult things that you know you should be doing to become the person that you want to be and have the life that you want. It's placing importance and value on better things than the random external outcomes. It's having confidence with where you are and all the things that you currently lack. It's having faith and enjoyment with the process rather than the end result.

    All this knowledge isn't meant to make things easier for you. It's to make you understand that it's necessary to challenge the scary, difficult, and uncertain problems of life. Porn is what got in the way of that process by conditioning you to escape that process of developing your reality. The desire for super powers is a fantasy that people indulge in because they want easy, certain, and instant gratification out of fear and insecurity. They want the end result without going through the necessary process. They want the easy world of porn rather than going through the hardships of connecting with real people. They want to get rid of negative experiences via escapism instead of learning to handle the negative to get to the higher quality positive experiences.

    So it's not really superpowers or a girlfriend that you're really after. It's being able to change the experience that you have with yourself. Everything else is just a bonus and a consequence of the person that you've become. Wanting a relationship isn't wrong, it's the place where it's coming from that's the problem (desperately needing a relationship to complete you or to prove something).

    So if you find that you're still researching and preparing yourself before taking action..... you're still escaping the necessary process of learning how to handle the pain, problems, and negative experiences of life. You're still trapped under the conditioning of porn and other forms of instant gratification escapism.
  15. DucksInARow

    DucksInARow Fapstronaut

    Agree 100%. One of the best posts I've read on here. Men are wired up to seek the destination, but its the journey that makes us men.
  16. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    People like to think that once they have their desired house / car / degree / career / sex / relationship / etc that they will finally get their happiness and life will be easy, but problems don't end. You just get new problems. Hopefully better problems that you enjoy solving.

    People want an amazing physique. But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately appreciate the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.

    People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don’t end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to appreciate the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not.

    People want a partner, a spouse. But you don’t end up attracting someone amazing without appreciating the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings.

    There's no real destination or end result in life. It keeps going until you die. The stuff that happens after the credits roll in a romantic comedy movie is when the real story and real work starts in a relationship. So unless you actually want to live the process of solving the problems that come with that certain thing that you want, then you'll always be like a hamster on a wheel running and running, but never really going anywhere. Always reaching for the next shiny object that you believe will finally make you happy, complete, and worthy.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. DucksInARow

    DucksInARow Fapstronaut

  18. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

    Sometimes the best way to learn something new is to do what you don't want to do.
    You are afraid of being rejected, performing poorly etc.
    Why don't you just try it and let the failures happen.

    This will be a bumpy road. But it's better than never starting.
    I began by approaching girls to talk to at public bus stops.
    When they asked me why I was talking to them, I simply said I lack confidence in front of girls and with this the conversation started easily. And if they said no, I took it in a stride and bade them good day and tried the next one.

    You need to be willing to fail in order to gain this kind of confidence.. experience is the real key..plus you don't want to be an idiot and start talking something that's sure to get you disconnected from girls.

    This is the simple fix I used and I can now talk to any women from anywhere without feeling anxious.
    Sure I don't talk to every women I meet with dating purpose. It's more like everyday talk. But that's how things get interesting sometimes and that's a gamble one should be willing to play.
    DrummerSGX92 likes this.
  19. I agree with what Elevate and the others say here, and also, it's not surprising you've had little experience with women if you've only ever asked two women out on dates. It also means you have a 50% success rate on asking women out which to me seems quite high? I get the impression that the men who do a lot of asking out are the men who end up with women they like. In my life I have always only ever been asked out by extrovert men when I would have liked more introverted men to ask me out because an introvert myself and I have more in common with them.

    So yes, work on yourself, find a purpose of doing your recovery other than attracting women, figure out what makes you happy, and then when you feel ready to start dating, start looking at women simply as other humans you'd like to get to know. It's true that rejection never feels good (I have been rejected by men that I liked too) but it's connected to taking any sort of risk (the same as when we apply for jobs and are rejected, it doesn't mean we should stop applying to other jobs). It reminds me of the quotation "Everything you want is on the other side of fear."
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2018
    TealKoala and Hitto like this.
  20. TealKoala

    TealKoala Fapstronaut

    I'm not really sure what it is about this post that bothers me but after thinking about it for a few days I think I'm figuring it out. While you make a lot of good points and suggestions that are probably very valid you also make a lot of generic assumptions about me, my desires and the state of my life many of which aren't true. You are clearly a researched experienced person but I came in here for support and suggestions not for you to try to turn the little bit of information I gave into some kind of chronic problem effecting every aspect of my life. It's as if the mole hill that I'm dealing with, namely social anxiety talking to women, has been somehow transformed into a mountain with the implication that I don't or can't do anything in my life that isn't instant gratification/escapism. I find your assumptions rude, thoughtless and sort of depressing that someone in this community I was starting to respect from other posts could be so biased and preachy.

    Another thing, I never once mention super powers, it's clearly an exaggerated concept and not really my style. Super powers are as you imply a form of instant gratification making the assumption that quitting porn will suddenly fix your life. I specifically stated that I hoped rebooting would help me change eventually. I have very little expectations from this reboot if I'm honest and I thought best case scenario perhaps some higher testosterone levels would help me to take a chance that I otherwise wouldn't of taken.

    One more point of clarification, I never state that I wanted a girlfriend. The fact is I struggle talking to attractive women, I'm naturally introverted and rarely even get to hello. I don't want to date, or have sex with, or have any kind of alternative motives with the majority of these women, I just struggle to talk to them. I'm not sure I am fearing rejection because I don't even consider asking most of them out I just want to be able to converse with them intelligently and not trip over my own tongue. I am generally a very easy person to talk to and with male friends and older people I meet through work I have no difficulties socializing. I am not looking for a girlfriend to fix the holes in my life but rather trying to improve myself. I think that's what is frustrating me so much about your post. In most ways I have my shit together and am happy with my life and who I am as a person. But in this one area where I am not the person I wish I could be I am attempting to improve myself and I get posts like this shit assuming that I am just trying to get a quick fix to all my problems with a girlfriend.

    You did make some good points and I want to be grateful for those and the clear effort you put in your response to my post but I can't help but feel you were diagnosing the general symptoms you see on these forums and kind of ignoring what I was actually asking.

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