Lonely's Road

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Lonely In a Crowd, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. I'll tell my full story someday soon, but not tonight.

    Today turned out surprisingly well. We were invited to some friends' house for the afternoon. They are friends that we have known a long time and have had a lot of fun with. The problem is that I no longer feel safe with my husband being around the woman. She is small, petite (the opposite of me), wears yoga pants and, often times tight shirts. She's very sure of herself. I can't compare. I often feel inferior and unwanted. Not enough. But not today.

    My husband worked hard to make sure I felt safe today. He gave me his eyes. He was careful with where he was and where he was looking. We were able to enjoy time with friends without a problem!
  2. My story - Part 1
    My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I've caught him watching porn or found evidence of it several times in our marriage. Each time hurt more than the time before. Everytime there was a promise to stop. Or a promise and some half hearted measure taken to placate me. It never stopped.
    At the beginning of our marriage, I was so confused! In my previous relationship, which had been far from healthy, there had been sex everyday. I thought that was normal and that's what I expected. I wanted that closeness, that togetherness. But there were many, many times when he couldn't. I was so confused. And hurt. A couple of times he would look guilty and tell me it was because he had masturbated during the day. I was so confused? Why? Why could he not wait until evening to be with me, just like I was waiting all day to be with him? Why was I not good enough? Why was he stealing from me?

    I will continue the story soon.
  3. Today has been a good day.

    I have felt safe enough the last few days that I am initiating some physical contact instead of needed space. Last night I felt safe enough to sleep in his arms instead of on opposite sides of the bed. It was good.

    I went for a walk with a friend early this morning. I got home to find my husband on a SA phone meeting and doing dishes! So often in the past he would be at his computer, having done none of the things he had agreed to do to help with the morning. This morning he was doing something that helped our day and something good for his recovery!

    I had some parenting frustrations, but that happens. He remained calm in the midst of my chaos. He listened and provided helpful suggestions.

    He seems so present today! I am cautiously hopeful.
  4. My husband has been working hard on helping me feel safe the last few days and he had been respecting my physical touch boundaries. Because of that feeling of safety, I have been initiating more touch (his love language is touch) and relaxing my touch boundaries a little. That had always been a problem in the past. If the line was anywhere other than "don't touch me" he would push until I gave up.

    He started pushing last night, but he stopped and went to the couch for the rest of the night. That is new! Always before he would push and push until I gave up on having any say, turn off my brain and feelings, and just have sex. This would be followed by him thinking we had a great night, while i felt used, disrespected, unloved.
    He feels terrible this morning, but I see it as progress.
  5. Yesterday my husband seemed pretty distant. I'm pretty sure it was because of the boundary pushing and sleeping on the couch. After his weekly meeting with our pastor, he seemed much better. He always does.
    My day was ok. Nothing about my day jumps out at me. I read some on the forums here and some of the other SO journals. It helps to read others' stories.

    Tuesday night is Date Night. My husband and I have done something together on Tuesday nights since I was 6 months pregnant with our 1st, so for almost 8 years. The activities have changed, and in the last couple of years have devolved in to going to dinner and complaining about our days or half way ignoring each other. It's been a time for me to get out of the house while our kids get time with their Grandma, but it hasn't really been a time of connecting and intentionally being together. That seems to be slowly changing. Our time and our conversation on our date night is becoming more intentional.
    I wish there was a restaurant close where all of the wait staff were either male, or old. Date night should be a time I can relax and enjoy being with my husband, but if the waitress is young and cute, there is no relaxing. Only stress and worry and watching, always watching his eyes. It seems stressful for him too.
    But, he did good last night. Most of the time when the waitress was at our table SpaceBazaar kept his eyes on me. My eyes. When he needed to talk to the waitress, he looked her in the eyes, said what he needed to, and returned his attention to me. He worked hard to make me feel safe when I was having trouble.
    There was one time when I looked back at him after digging around in the diaper bag, to find his eyes returning to our table from her direction. I looked at him, probably accusingly, waiting for him to tell me what was going on. He wouldn't say anything until I told him that I saw his eyes come back when I looked up. He said he was looking at the pizza she was carrying. His eyes got half way... and he was able to stop them at the pizza. I don't know. I hope so. I know he has 25 years worth of brain training to undo and I don't expect perfect. Perfect would be awesome! But I don't expect it. But I do need honest.

    Things were good. I was really hopeful that the night could stay good. They didn't stay as good as I hoped.
    Every night we do a fastt check in - Feelings, Activities in recovery, Sobriety, Threats, Tools.
    For the threats and tools, I have asked for threats from the day, what happened in his day and how did he handle it. In his group meeting he goes to they look at anything upcoming that could be a threat. We've talked about the difference and that looking at upcoming threats are great, but I need to know how the day was. I need honesty about the day. Last night, he completely skipped it. Even after he was done and I asked "How are you? How was your day?" (which we've talked about when I ask that, I'm trying to ask about urges, threats, was it a struggle or an easy day), he didn't tell me anything. It felt like he was lying or hiding something. He said there were no threats, a couple of "possible threats" (meaning they could have become a threat, but weren't?). They waitress, that had me pretty stressed out he said wasn't a threat. I'm not sure I believe that. It feels like that was what he thought would make me feel better, make me feel safe. I don't know.

    I felt robbed, again. If the night had stayed good, I was planning to initiate some intimacy. Instead, when he neglected what I needed, it felt like I shriveled up inside again. As though I didn't really fill my body. I felt about 4 inches tall, lost inside. I fell asleep in his arms, but his touch seemed too far away to really notice or respond to.

    This morning we talked about it. He acknowledged that in the past he has not been open and honest. Then he spent time telling me what he liked about me. As he did so, it felt like I was able to come back and actually fill my body. (That sounds weird, I know, but I don't know how else to explain it.) My arm that was around him was able to feel him. My hand that was on his back was able to move, to rub his back. Him taking the time and finding the words to express what he appreciates about me, gave me a chance to come back.

    It has been a beautiful day today! The kids and I spent the morning taking a walk in the sunshine with friends.
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    This has happened to me so many times. My husband would talk the talk about being vigilant, but as soon as I went to get something out of my purse or went to the ladies room, he would be ogling like his life depended on it. He has no idea how much this eroded trust.
    Yup. They don't understand how much better it would be to just admit it. They always gamble that they haven't been "caught".
    *eye roll* I'm not saying he was lying, but I have heard so many preposterous explanations that I am hopelessly jaded about this. "Oh no, I wasn't staring at the teenager in the bikini - I was fascinated by the hat on the guy standing next to her!" "No! I wasn't repeatedly looking back to the woman standing at the crosswalk - I was watching that guy carrying the big box."
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    I know this feeling EXACTLY!
    It isn't weird at all! I have often had the feeling of being a hollow shell, to the point where I felt like I wouldn't be able to move an object I was pushing on. It was like my body didn't have as much mass or something. Airy, empty and light. I wonder if this is a physiological PTSD thing?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. My story - part 2

    About 3 years into our marriage, my husband got a new job closer to our families. That should be great, right? New job with more responsibility, bought a house, "growing up! Really being adults!" This should be good! But, this new job means an entire office to himself. No one working behind him, no one walking by. All alone in a dark basement office. And, more stress. Lots more stress.
    Everything started up go down hill. We seemed so disconnected. Like nothing was right after we moved. I didn't understand.
    About a year later, (i was 6 months pregnant with #3) he had his work laptop home and told me to use it if I wanted while he got some things done outside. I grabbed it to watch a show on hulu and got a huge shock. When I typed in "hu" for hulu into the address bar, the suggestion that came up was pornhub. I was shocked, even though I shouldn't have been. So I checked his history. That morning, when he got called in to work, when he should have been home with me for a rare day together without kids, he had been watching porn. I didn't check the history extensively, knowing he was watching was enough for me. I didn't want to know how much or exactly what.
    I confronted him that afternoon. He broke down, cried. Manipulated me into feeling like I had to take care of him. I wasn't able to process or even show anger. I had to take care of him. That pattern of manipulation has continued until the last few months.
    I felt like I had to compete, be enough. Over the next few months I tried to give him enough sex that he didn't need porn. (Ridiculous, I know) in reality, I wasn't competing or being enough, he was using me to act out what he'd watched. There was no connection, no love. His eyes were vacant.
    At some point, I just buried my head in the sand and tried to believe the lies.

    To be continued...
  9. Yesterday was a good day. The kids spent most of the day outside in the sunshine, then we took dinner to my in-laws. Dinner went well.

    Things between SpaceBazaar and I have been good the last few days. I've been thinking about initiating sex, but I've been scared! What if he's not really there? What if his mind is somewhere else? What about the chaser effect? This week has been easy he says, I don't want being with me to cause more urges! I don't want being with me to send him back to P!

    He kept reassuring me that it won't.
    We did end up having sex, and he seems good so far, but i'm worried.
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2019
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Today was a long day with the kids.
    A group thing we have on Friday mornings was more chaotic than usual, I had all 5 kids with me instead of the 2 schoolaged kids and the baby. Two of the kids seem to be getting sick, and we have an extra kid for 2 nights. Ugh. Lots going on.
    I got pretty angry this afternoon. Not angry at anything that was happening, just angry. Grumping at all the kids for a few minutes. I think I know where it came from, I'm just not sure how to deal with it. It's so sudden and feels a bit like a flame thrower that I can't shut off. Scorching anyone that gets too close.

    I realized today that I haven't done much to work on me and my healing this week. I've read a bunch here, but not much else. I didn't read either book i'm reading, I didn't do my bible study, I haven't been getting to bed as early as I'd like and, i'm getting farther and farther behind on my housework. The housework may not seem related, but I can sometimes better guage how well i'm really doing by looking at the state of my house, than any other indicators.
    It feels like there's not enough time in the day to do everything I need to.
    All of this takes so much of my time and my thoughts. It feels like I haven't done anything since at least December, or maybe before. I've spent so much time checking on his online activity (very little of that now) , learning all I could about addiction and betrayal trauma, finding resources, reading books, blogs, articles... all of which takes time. Time that i'm not spending with the kids. Time I should be spending doing school with the oldest 2, reading to them all, playing in the snow with them, cleaning the house, cooking good healthy meals instead of quick easy junk.
    I don't know how to balance it. I don't know how to take care of the kids and the house and have time to work on recovery and our relationship.
  11. Yesterday was 50 days for SpaceBazaar! (As far as I know.) I'm proud of him.
    50 days seems like a really good start.
    I have to look at the 50 days on their own. When I look at them compared to the 3000 days that he's stolen from me and our relationship, the 50 looks pretty small.

    He and I spend a lot of time together yesterday, but we were selfish with it. With our kids' 12 hours of awake time, we spent at least 3 of it alone just her and i. Selfish. Part of that was their naptime, but still selfish. I wanted to do something together as a family and we didn't. I wanted to get to the library with the kids. It's not hard, it doesn't take much time or effort, but it didn't happen.
    Nothing happens. Dealing with the addiction and the betrayal, recovery and the relationship takes all the time, all the energy.

    Sometimes I don't know if he and I being together is about us, about connection, about healing the relationship or if it's about him getting whatever he can.

    We'll have very little time to be together as a family today, i'm home with sick kids and he will be busy at church for 4 hours this morning. *sigh*
    WonderingKid21 likes this.
  12. Yesterday turned out pretty well. Sunday nights are set aside for us to spend extra time on recovery work and read a book together and discuss it. It's been skipped the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I was just waiting to see if SpaceBazaar would bring it up, if he would initiate. I was presently surprised when he did.
    SpaceBazaar seems to really dislike the book we're reading. I get the feeling it's because it says he should be doing things for recovery that he isn't and that some of the things he has done, he should have done differently. He says that's not why he doesn't like it. I don't know.
    Whether he likes it or not, it has given us a good starting point for some good, necessary, conversations.

    The baby always seems to be harder to put down on Sunday nights, so it seems like i'm always frustrated before we get to a point of being able to read together. That held true last night as well, so I wasn't as present as I would have liked to have been. We talked about some hard things, but it was good, I think.

    This morning we were able to be intimate; karezza gives us such connection! It was a wonderful way to start the day. I had a better morning at home with the kids than I've had in quite a while. None of them were doing what they needed to, and I just enacted the consequences without it upsetting me at all. I think the intentional connection this morning really lowered my stress level so that the kids stress didn't feel overwhelming.
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2019
    WonderingKid21 likes this.
  13. Some days things are good, I see the progress, i see changes, I feel love and connection. Today is not one of those days.
    Everything is coming back today. All the pain all the hurt all the rejection all the fears.
    I am feeling like a failure in every way. My mind is so full and so busy with all of this, that i'm having a hard time being everything I need to be for my kids.

    There are a lot of "why"s running through my head today. The biggest, most persistent one is "Why didn't I leave the first time. The first time he left me in bed longing for connection with him and he chose to go "connect" with a porn star instead, why didn't I just walk out?" It would have been easy. There were no kids involved, I had a good job, no complications. I would have saved myself a decade of pain and I wouldn't feel like i'm ruining the lives of 5 kids.
    In the state i'm in, it's hard to connect with my kids. I get them fed and clothed, but i'm failing at discipline, training and teaching.
  14. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    So sorry. Hugs to you. Regret is difficult.
  15. Thank you!
  16. I understand this so well, because I, too, feel like I can't be the mother I'm supposed to be...the one I could be if my mind wasn't so consumed with all the PA stuff all the time. Our boys aren't neglected or lacking any basic needs, but I know there's so much more I should be giving them. I hate it that I'm not strong enough to be able to push my pain to the side enough so that they could be unaffected. I try my best to never let them see that I'm hurting or struggling, but sometimes it's hard to keep it all inside.
    Kenzi likes this.
  17. Yes, exactly!
  18. WonderingKid21

    WonderingKid21 Fapstronaut

    I stumbled upon your thread, madam lonely .. despite I am still young and have not married yet and surely no kids
    I found in your own words an inspiration, a very strong one .. your family is very blessed to have you .. I think if you could have endured such pain for that long time for your husband's healthy life, then definitely, you will do more and more and MORE for your own beloved kids for sure .. "bad mothers don't complain about how bad they are!" .. I hope your pain fades sometimes so you can take some rest and restart being the mom you want to be :)
    wish you all the happiness in the world ..
    and sincere thanks for being such a very good example for women and moms
    legendsneverdie likes this.
  19. Thank you for the kind words @Omar21.
    WonderingKid21 likes this.
  20. Yesterday was hard. All I felt was emptiness and pain. Not because of anything new. SpaceBazaar is working and I see changes, but something yesterday morning that can't pin point brought all of the hurt and pain back to the surface. And I couldn't shove it aside like I sometimes do. It was just pain and emptiness, all day.
    So last night I had a drink. Not the best coping mechanism, I know, but it was just one. I haven't had a drink in months. I know SpaceBazaar doesn't like it when I drink, so I usually don't unless he is having a drink. He made a big deal out of it. He said, "I choose to love you. Even if you choose to drink all day." Really? That's the response? He PMO'd and lied and stole from our relationship everyday, and he's going to act like that about 1 drink? Made me want to scream.

    Anyway, enough of that.
    He started watching the Helping Her Heal DVDs yesterday. Other than the response to my drink, he seemed to really want to listen. Really want to be there for me. We'll see what comes of that. He does not have a track record of finishing anything.

    He worked on fixing bike tires that have needed fixed for the oldest, so that was good. He made breakfast this morning. He says he is seeing how much he didn't help and how much he didn't support me. I see him trying to change that. He is trying to be present with the kids and I. He is trying to help and support me.

    This morning was more of the same. More pain, more tears. I've always wanted a family, but instead of the patience and love that I was always able to pour out when I worked at the daycare, long before all of the betrayal trauma left me so empty and fragile, all I have left is impatience and irritation. SpaceBazaar listened. He saw it. He got it. He told me he sees that he took my love and gave me pain. He took my calm and gave me chaos. And that's all I have left now to give the kids.
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2019
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