Lonely's Road

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Lonely In a Crowd, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. Last night was better. Some of the pain seemed to drain away. It's not gone, but it's not demanding all of my attention right now.
    SpaceBazzar and I talked some on the phone in the afternoon and that seemed to help. We weren't talking about anything big and important, we were just talking. I think that helped me think of him as a friend or companion again, instead of just the source of my pain. Things were easier between us when he got home.

    Yesterday morning he sent me a message saying he wanted to tell me about the struggles he was having but didn't know if I cared or if it would make my day worse. I want to know. Not necessarily for my sake, but i want to be able to support him and I want him to be open. Not just honest, but really open. I want us to be open with each other.

    He told me about some struggles yesterday and today. He was open about them. I didn't have to search his eyes to see if he was hiding something and then try to pry the information out. He opened up and volunteered the information.
    I was proud of him for the way he handled the temptation and I was very pleased with the way he shared with me.
    WonderingKid21 and hope4healing like this.
  2. Thank you
    FX-05 likes this.
  3. I feel stuck. Stuck in a swamp. A big, nasty, dark, smelly swamp with no way out.

    A month ago I would have said I was doing ok. Yes, there was hurt, but I was handling it and I was ok. In reality, I think I was so focused on my husband and how he was doing and what he needed that I wasn't looking at me. I was afraid of what seeing my pain would do to my husband. I felt like I needed to be strong enough. I needes to protect him from my pain.
    But, recently that has changed. My pain won't be ignored anymore. I can't pretend i'm ok. Thankfully, my husband seems stronger. Seeing a little of my pain doesn't break him. But, that means I don't have an excuse to hide it, or hide from it. So now i see it, the whole nasty swamp of my pain and my emotions. And i feel stuck in it. I know the only way out of it is to go through it, but i don't know how to do that.
    Lostneverland, lostintx and Susannah like this.
  4. There was a slip today.
    He called and told me. He didn't hide it or lie about it. And it wasn't a binge. A slip, he stopped. He walked away.
    That feels like such huge progress!

    And on my end, he told me about it while I was on my way to take my kids on a fun field trip, and I didn't let it ruin my time with my kids! I didn't spend my time worrying or obsessing over what he was doing, I had fun with my kids. I didn't check up in him all afternoon. I was available if he needed me, but I didn't try to control the situation. That feels like progress.
  5. This seems really jumbled, i'm not sure how to lay it out so it's less jumbled.

    SpaceBazaar and I had an interesting talk this morning. He says he can't connect without touch. But I need connection to want touch.

    Last night was interesting... we were talking about his slip yesterday, his feelings, etc. and, like always, when he started crying I felt like I should touch him. Not to take away his pain or anything, but to be there with him. I didn't really want to touch him, but I put a hand on his shoulder. After he calmed down enough to talk, he asked me not to touch him (?!?). He said "don't feed the bastard! That's what he wants!" Referring to the addiction. That confirmed alot of situations over the years that felt like manipulation to get me to feel sorry for him so that I would comfort him instead of pulling away physically.

    I know his love language is touch and I try to give him good non-sexual touch, but it's seems like it's never enough. If I have a boundary of "don't touch me" everything usually goes fine. I feel safe and respected. SpaceBazaar seems to work hard to protect me and we seem to have at least a bit of a relationship that is not all about touch. But, as soon as i'm feeling safer and like there is some connection and I start to want some touch, it's like the switch is flipped and nothing matters to him except the touch. And he needs more and more and more and I just shrink inside. I feel like I can't physically get away from it, so I end up pulling away inside myself.

    I don't know how we manage this.
    WonderingKid21 likes this.
  6. Yesterday was good, better than I expected it to be... but now it's 3am, I've been up for an hour and a half and sleeping on the couch.

    When I got home from my walk yesterday morning SpaceBazaar was on his SA call and making breakfast. He was even putting in extra effort to make me a breakfast I would enjoy more than our normal one.
    He talked more about what he thought the original trigger for his slip was. At least part of it was feeling selfish.
    He asked for a list of things he could do for me when he is feeling selfish. He thanked me for giving him a list of chores!

    During his morning at work he told me he was dealing with some intrusive thoughts. He is being so much more open and honest lately!
    But, after he told me that, he stopped answering my texts. I got pretty worried. I knew he was probably busy and would answer when he could... but... what if he was choosing to give in to his struggle instead...
    He wasn't. All was good. Until he came home for lunch. (I am so thankful that he is able to come home for lunch most days!) I got frustrated at him and the way he was doing things. But instead of saying anything, I just pulled away and got quiet. I know that doesn't help, but telling him what the problem is doesn't always work either. He responds with an "I can't do anything right" attitude and leaves mad.
    When he realized I was mad i thought he was going to do that again, but he didn't. He did a couple of chores, then we talked. We talked it out and were back at a good place before he went back to work.

    It was date night. My mom always keeps the 4 bigger kids on Tuesday evenings, but she kept the baby this time too! It was the first time in 10 months that we've gotten a date night without the baby.
    Our date was good - just dinner. We talked more. Really talked to each other. We talked more about the slip and the things leading up to it.

    Once we got to bed I initiated touch. Because I wanted too. With all of the real talking during the day there was good connection, when there is good connection, I love touch.

    But... a couple hours later I got woken up by him groping me in his sleep. I pushed him away. He didn't act like he noticed anything was wrong at all until I went to the couch. He came out and asked what was wrong and I told him. He said he was sorry that "he" (the addict) came back and he went back to bed.

    So here I am, on the couch. Tired but can't sleep. So sad and disappointed that after a day of such connection and intimacy, here i am, feeling disconnected and unsafe. Unworthy of protecting.
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2019
  7. I'm tired of the whiplash!
    My last post I was hurt, disconnected and unworthy. 12 hours later we were more connected than we've been in weeks. I felt safe in his arms, cared for and cherished.

    Wednesday morning we talked some about everything that happened in the night. I didn't do well with letting him talk. He lets me say whatever I need to, but I tend to talk over him. I feel like i have so little control over where our life is going, and it's scary! I behave as though I can have some bit of control in where we're going if I can make him think the way I want him to. If he says he feels like everytime he tries to make things better, they just end up worse, I don't let him finish or validate his feelings, I tell him how things are not worse because i'm afraid of him giving up. If he expresses something negative about himself his progress, I try to bolster him and encourage, or "fix" his thinking instead of listening.
    So he left for work not only feeling low about what happened, but also unheard.

    I later realized how differently the night could have turned out if I had just talked to him at the time. I'm so used to not having a voice, so used to my wants and needs not mattering, that it is hard for me to talk. I wonder, if I had talked, If I had made sure he was awake and told him what was going on, what would have happened? Would we have been able to talk through it?
    While he was at work we felt so far away from each other. So disconnected. He was miserable. I was afraid he would seek out P to feel good again.
    We texted some throughout the day. I was much more clingy and demanding than is normal for me. I felt like I was losing him. Like I would never get him back. He's made such progress. We've had so much more connection and closeness. I don't want to lose that again!

    It felt like it was all my fault. Again. There have been times when I have needed space. A time without sex and only limited physical touch. During those times SpaceBazaar has been awesome! He has been present, he has tried to show his love in other ways, he has worked hard at protecting me, and he has worked hard at making me feel important and safe. There also tends to be more recovery work done by both of us. But, everytime, once I feel safe enough to initiate physical touch and intimacy, all that matters is the touch and the sex. He is clingy and needy and every spare minute goes to physical touch. I feel like I can't even get up in the morning when I need to because he wants time and touch and i'm afraid he will take my getting up as rejection. And that leads to pouting, and then I have to either deal with pouting all day or make him feel better, which makes me late getting up.
    Then i'm not up before the kids so they're playing which makes it harder to switch gears and get their morning chores done and SpaceBazaar can't help because he didn't get up on time so he had to just get ready and leave. Then the whole day feels like a disaster!
    It feels like if I would just stay in that place of not wanting physical intimacy, we're wouldn't keep going in this cycle. But it doesn't seem fair for me to make that decision alone if it's not something i really feel i need. I think it would help his recovery to have a period of abstinence, but he had freaked out pretty hard and started pushing every physical boundary possible when I bring it up.

    Anyway... back to Wednesday. I was feeling more and more worried and desperate to have him home as the day went on. He said he felt like he didn't have a right to come home. We each spent alot id the day being. I was feeling panicky and pathetic. I felt like I was begging him not up leave! I'm not sure how I got to that place! By mid afternoon, I asked him to come home. He was able to, so he did.
    By the time he got home, I was so worked up and such an emotional mess, that I needed connection of some sort, even if it was just physical and I was willing to give him that connection however he needed it. I didn't expect much intimacy. Passion maybe, but not much intimacy. I was so very surprised when he slowed us down and the time together was very intimate. Karreza style. His goal wasn't just to feel better by having an orgasm, the goal was intimacy and connection. (No O for either of us) It was fantastic!

    We were able to keep that feeling of connection Wednesday night, and Thursday. Thursday I told him that I was afraid that as long as we had a physical connection, I wouldn't get any other form of connection. He said he would work on that. We texted a bunch throughout the day, but it felt like i kept initiating it. Thursday night was good, more karreza. Lots of connection.
  8. Friday morning I was a little uncertain. I take the kids to a homeschool group on Friday mornings and I haven't wanted SpaceBazaar there with us this year. I don't see the other mom's as threats much (i'm not sure why, probably just denial - I don't want to see my friends as threats), but I want that to be a safe place for all of the high school aged girls. They don't need some guy ogling them!

    He had taken the day off to watch kid#1 give a presentation on a project she and SpaceBazaar built. He only needed to be there for 30 minutes and he only works a couple of blocks away, but he took the whole day off to be with us. He seemed to be having a good day, so i felt ok having him come along for the whole morning. He seemed to do great! He kept his eyes on me. The kids really enjoyed having daddy there with them. I was glad he was there. He said that he saw people, friends, not just parts.

    That afternoon he took kid#3, kid#4, and the extra home for naps so that I could do other things with the bigger kids. It was really nice to not have to wrangle the little boys while trying to do other things with the bigger kids! I really appreciate it when he does those sort of things. In the past I would have been worried about what he was doing home alone while the boys were napping. I wasn't worried. Or, at least not much.

    That afternoon SpaceBazaar was laying on the floor playing with the boys, which hasn't happened much lately. I was glad to see him engaging with the boys in what they were doing and wanting to interact with them. Because of that gladness, because his legs bother him some, and because I had the other connection I need, I wanted to show him some physical touch. I went over and massaged the backs of his legs while he laid and played with them.
    In response, he promised me a message. Later on, he asked if we could shower after the kids are in bed. He knows thats something I enjoy when we are doing well, and it's something he used to be very resistant too.

    Fast forward to Friday night. I was frustrated by the baby not sleeping until late. By the time she was asleep and we were done with what needed done, it was too late for a shower. We went to bed, we were both tired. But, he initiated some touch, ended up doing more karreza - kind of. It felt like he wasn't satisfied with that like he had been before. We seemed like we were operating on different wavelengths. There wasn't the same connection and intimacy as the previous two days had held. Then he got selfish. He was choosing to be selfish instead of protecting me.
    I already felt like I didn't really matter because he had promised things that he didn't follow through with, but yet he wanted sex. But then he was willing to risk getting me pregnant, when I currently cry everytime I even think about that, for a little bit of pleasure. That's not something that gets fixed with an "i'm sorry." That would be a constant reminder for the rest of our lives that his brief pleasure is more important that me. I pretty well shut down.
    He realized he had been selfish so he went to do a couple of things from his selfish list, then slept on the couch.

    Saturday morning SpaceBazaar kept the kids while I went to breakfast with a friend. It was so nice to have time with a friend.
    Later in the day we were planning to go to a big, town-wide Easter egg hunt. I was worried about that. Lots of kids means lots of moms. Lots of young kids means lots of moms younger than me. I didn't know of I wanted him with me. I didn't think I could stand watching him look at other women. On the other hand, after the night, I wasn't sure I wanted him home alone. After that we were considering going to the next town to do some shopping. Again, I didn't know if I wanted him with me. I hate standing in a checkout line with other women all over. In the past, I hated seeing him look at them. Now I hate it because it's just uncomfortable. We'll stand together with him looking at my eyes, but it just seems strained and awkward.
    He assured me that he was good and that going with us for the day would be fine, so he went with us.
    He seemed to do good. At the Easter egg hunt. He seemed to keep his eyes on me and the kids. Afterwards, after the kids were in the car, he stopped me and earnestly thank me. He thanked me for not being a "trollop" For not putting myself on display for everyone else. Later he thanked me because he had never had to wonder where my eyes were. It feels like he is really seeing how his actions in the past have affected me.

    Our day shopping was fun. We took the kids to dairy queen, a treat we almost never stop for.
    Check out lines weren't too bad. At one store he said that the choice of check out lines was my choice. Line length was not an issue. I hadn't really thought about that choice before, but it relieved some of my stress. There was one line were the checkers were attractive woman, the other had an older couple. I of course chose the line with the older couple. The line was a little longer, but it was not a stressful wait for either of us.

    Over all, it was a pleasant day! A shopping day hasn't been that pleasant in a long, long time! It gives me hope that we can get through this.
    lostintx, hope4healing and Susannah like this.
  9. I haven't written in a while.
    Things have been up and down, up and down. We're good for a few days, then crash. We find our way back to good, then crash again.

    Today he's crashing and I'm trying hard to stay afloat.

    This morning shortly after he got to work he said he was about a step away from "locking the office door and watching porn all day." But he was reaching out to people instead. Trying. We were able to talk for a while and he seemed better... but this afternoon... I don't know.
    He seems angry - which could legitimately be work related. His answers are short and he seems far away.

    I'm worried. I'm worried he relapsed today. He's still at work and is too busy to talk. (That's not a conversation to have while he's at work any way.) So here I'll sit, surrounded by kids, and pray.
  10. I was right. He relapsed this morning.

    He was honest about it, but we haven't really had a chance to talk.

    Im not surprised. I feel like I've been waiting for and expecting this for a while...
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    So sorry.
  12. Thanks for the response and the questions.

    He is not doing hard mode. No P or P-subs, no M. We are still imitate sometimes. When I've asked about hard mode or a period of celibacy, he has never responded well except for once a little over a month ago. It lasted about 2 weeks until I was having a really bad day and he "wanted to comfort me." I feel like that was an excuse. If he wanted hard mode, there were other ways to comfort. I didn't stop us. I was having a really stressful day with our 5 kids, I didn't need to try to manage anyone else's behavior. That was the end of hard mode.

    He is working, there have been many changes, but for about a month before this relapse, roughly when the hard mode started, I was seeing old behaviors return.

    What is he doing other than NoFap?
    • He reads from a recovery book most days.
    • He gets on an SA "daily sobriety renewal" telemeeting a few times a week. He doesn't talk, he listens while he tries to cook breakfast and help the boys get ready. He occasionally talks about joining another call, but hasn't.
    • He talks to his brother in recovery (from something else) daily.
    • He attends a weekly group mentoring / accountability group.
    • He meets weekly with our pastor.
    • He does a fastt check in most days (less frequent right before the relapse and stopped for a while after).
    • He is working through the Final Freedom workbook and 12 step book from Dr. Weiss. (This started about the time of this relapse)
    Those are the things he's doing. The amount of attention they get and the attitude with which they are done varies.

    I'm doing ok most days, that day was rough. Somedays get pretty overwhelming dealing with all of the emotions that go with betrayal, 5 kids under 8, babysitting, homeschooling, and life in general!
  13. legendsneverdie

    legendsneverdie Fapstronaut

    you seem like a great woman, caring and tender. You say all you have left is bitterness and impatience. i don’t think that’s true. just like a PA, you can heal!!

    The first huge step is forgiveness. Forgiving your husband for stealing those years of your life, forgiving yourself especially for staying and enduring. I have on my lock screen this verse:
    “i am sure what we are suffering now cannot compare to the glory that will be shown to us” romans 8:18

    I think about that sometimes when i am feeling down, and i imagine the glory if i simply stick to the right path. I recall all the suffering from pmo. believe me, it ruined me utterly and completely and left me a broken shell. your husbands use probably left you that way too, but here i am now. I’ve never felt better in my life, i feel peace and i am so so grateful for all the suffering that i went through... because the suffering was necessary. It really was, it taught me so many important life lessons, it propelled me on the journey of self improvement. If i has not hit rock bottom, i would not have changed, i could have stayed years more imprisoned and feeling hopeless and hating myself

    I thought that i could never be free, that i had only degenerated into a loser. it was too late, i said. it’s over, i ruined my life i ruined all my potential...

    But no, that wasn’t true. I healed, and my life changed. it literally flipped 180 degrees until currently i’ve become an absolute beast and so proud of myself, everyday like a king. everything is different. everything. I had to do a lot of internal healing, forgive others and myself for all the damage i had done to myself, my soul, my spirit.

    My old self came back!!! That bright, hopeful loving, passionate, full of liveliness and character, confidence, steadfast, determined, special, witty boy i once was
    YaakovaLovesYHWH likes this.

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