Long post but please read, I'm suicidal.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by McCulloch23, Dec 18, 2018.

  1. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

    My friend, here are my thoughts:

    1. Suicide is absolutely the wrong thing to do. People think it "solves" something. Who says? There is no actual evidence that it solves anything, because no one knows what happens after.

    2. It sounds like you have a doctor. Seek his or her advice. Lots of well intentioned people here, including me, but what do we know? We don't know you, and we certainly don't have all the facts.

    3. Being gay or having gay thoughts or desires is not the worst thing in the world. I don't think you are gay. But even if you were, it's not reason to be so unhappy.

    4. Sometimes all sorts of strange things go through our heads and even get us aroused. It happens.

    5. DO NOT 'TEST' YOURSELF with porn or anything like that. Bad idea. It's kind of like saying, I don't know what this strange liquid is. Maybe it's deadly poison. I'll test it by tasting it. Hmm, didn't kill me; so I'll drink more...

    Porn is poison, and will only make things worse.

    6. Believe it or not, it is quite possible to have a happy, normal life without sex or sexual release all the time. It could be that what would help would be some overall "de-sexualization" of your day-to-day life? It can't hurt?
  2. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your reply. I really want to find out what Is this. I should just relax, go on and stop checking everything. Perhaps this escalation to checking gay porn made me sick and made me think that since I got aroused, I must be with men. Thing is, I'm still repulsed. I would never even kiss a man, imagine being sucked off or sucking One! Nofap maybe would help. I'm dealing with intrusive images of friends while climaxing and makes me sad and anxious...
    Focusing on her bright smile Is the best idea. She gives me strenght and chills...
    Right now I feel too much gay to be straight and too much straight to Be gay. What Is helping me is the emotional side. This Is what I should remember whenever I doubt again. Being gay it's okay, But there must Be love as well. Thing that I don't feel and never felt for any man. While I feel It for my girlfriend when I'm calm and let the obsessive thinking go.
    I'M soooo confused. Need therapy I guess...
  3. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    I lost my dad to suicide. It really happens so please seek some type of help. It sounds like you are having "intrusive thoughts" which is a symptom of OCD. This is probably aggravated by escalated PMO addiction, so coming here and working through a recovery is only likely to help. Here's an excellent article about OCD and intrusive thoughts:
    Therapy is awesome and scary and so well worth it. Life changing.

    You sound like a really good guy pinched in a really uncomfortable temporary mindset. Kudos for coming here to start to work it out. You can kill the condition without killing yourself. This is monumentally important.
    Grandpa61 likes this.
  4. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm actually moved a bit by your reply...
    Sometimes we experience such an umbearable pain ( either phisically or mentally) that we would rather end It, without realizing that such thing might hurt people close to us even more...
    And I know my pain Is damn stupid compared to what other people experience...But it hurts. I Want to Be okay. For her, for my family and friends...Hope this nightmare stops someday.
    Strength And Light and Grandpa61 like this.
  5. Grandpa61

    Grandpa61 Fapstronaut

    Don't test the fantasy! You just need to stop thinking about that! Concentrate one one day at a time!
  6. pleasehelppunk

    pleasehelppunk New Fapstronaut

    i lost my brother he was 51 last year by OD ... then my father died in July 2018... keep your head up bro !
    dying is part of life ..
  7. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

    Won't act on it. Killing myself cause I might be gay it's the dumbest thing I could ever do. It's true I would have to give up on women, a family and kids, But if it's my reality, I'll accept it. I Can still Be happy even like this.
  8. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

    Just an update. Images of sex with men keep entering in my head against my Will. And they bother me so much. I had an image of my brother and felt nothing, just discomfort. And keep being haunted by people in my head.
    Damn it all...I wish I could fix my head right now and have the ability to redirect my thought ti what I truly want to think about. Sorry guys, just venting...Not fapping at all but being turned on by her makes me want to, But images and memories of porn, would pop in my head. Maybe I developed an oral sex fetish, i don't know. But I quit. Porn destroyed my life and mind. And homophobia as well. But hey...she makes me happy no matter what.
  9. tiredofdoingthis

    tiredofdoingthis Fapstronaut

    Let me throw this out there for anyone dealing with such an issue. As I look back on my life, I have had OCD since I was very very young. The thing about OCD is about the time you think you kill it, it comes to life in a different format or focus. Mine went from safety issues as a young child into being preoccupied with any sexual thought as bad. The worst was school work. This led to hospitalization and my real journey through trying to figure all of this out. I was 16 then. Now, I'm 46. I had HOCD come and go for years. It recently has returned as my P viewing has changed. In the meantime, it has been attached to my job, relationship, germs, etc.

    Everything you are saying sounds like OCD thoughts. They are amazingly real in feeling. One of the worst for me was thinking I was going to drop my baby while walking down steps into garage and then fall on top of her. I still struggle with having people come to my home because I worry they would get in an accident, and I would be to blame. Your mind is a pretty amazing thing. There was a time when as a child, I could look under my bed and in my closet again and again. I was absolutely convinced Ted Bundy or Charles Manson would be there. I REALLY BELIEVED THIS. One time as a younger boy, I told my mom that I had thoughts of putting a needle, like a thin sewing needle in the head of my penis. Now, do you think I really wanted to do this? OCD plants very real, yet very negative ideas in your head. Depending on the subject, you can buy in more and more. I still struggle with OCD. It is good that you and your girlfriend are there for each other. Don't be surprised if you start questioning the relationship. I walked away from every relationship ever until my wife. The way I got through that was a new therapist. Sometimes with OCD, the best thing to do is walk on and show your brain things aren't reality as you thought. Hang in there!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

    Hi and thanks a lot for your reply. I'm not questioning my relationship as well, because I know what I feel and felt, but what's killing me Is this stupid thought that since I literally struggle just to see her in my mind, I don't love her enough, as she's replaced by other people even in my memories. I honestly don't care about anymore about my sexuality, I know now I'm not gay cause even looking at my girl gives me erections. And I know I love her too cause whenever I have bad thoughts about her or she's replaced, I feel sad and want to cry terribly. My nofap journey Is easy right now, I avoid fapping cause I will have damn intrusive images or thoughts while doing It, since I have them literally All day. My mind Is destroying everything I love and makes me think and see things I don't want to see. I just want her as my intrusive image...

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