Long story; need help...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Stefanie, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. Mikemike666

    Mikemike666 Fapstronaut

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    That is horrible - i am in Germany and the system clearly helps this - well that doesnt help you guys though. Is your husband on this website here as well maybe?
     
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  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Hey so it sounds like you are in a tough spot.

    So, I am going to link some really great threads for starting recovery

    Resources Thread: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/resources-that-are-helpful-to-both-pa-and-so.108414/

    Boundary Thread: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/

    In the beginning stages of recovery the addict needs accountability, so that means filters/blockers/softwares on all devices. Ever Accountable has been highly recommended on this site. Also, there's something called KidsWifi that you can look into to get at your house so at least you have peace of mind at the house.

    For my husband and I (he is 1.5 years clean) we established accountability and boundaries early on. And yes, therapy in the US is costly, I know! But if there is a therapist around that falls under your insurance (if you guys have insurance) it's worth at least looking into because yes, addictions stem from deeper causes. My husband addiction stemmed from his parents divorce when he was a kid and he had tons of issues to resolve about his relationship (or lack thereof) with his mother who left because of her own addictions.

    Boundaries are essential. Setting boundaries can be tough, especially if one isn't used to it. Boundaries are something you set to make you feel safe. For example, the boundary of no porn with the consequence of if he uses he can sleep on the couch... that's one that many partners set here.

    I suggest writing a list of the things you absolutely need to feel safe in the relaitonship. Look them over, and then figure out what consequence will follow if those boundaries are not respected.

    Addicts... when in their addiction, in many cases need strict tough love at times.

    ALSO! A lot of addicts give up their Social Media accounts because, all social media has porn or porn subs on it. My husband got rid of his instagram and any other account (aside from fb which he uses only in my presence -that is a boundary) and it's been great for him.

    So take some time, think about what you need, and once you have collected your thoughts you can discuss with your husband. Communication is key in any relationship, and communication takes hard work and dedication.
     
  3. Yeah, I can't speak for him but all of that could easily be porn for me and I could PMO with much less. He has to honestly ask himself: "would I PMO if I didn't have _ website or _ TV show in my life?" Triggers can be unintentional or intentional avenues that lead one to porn. A porn / sex addict regularly looking at pics of fitness models is like an alcoholic picking up a bottle of whiskey 20 times a day and expecting not to drink: it's stupid. Game of Thrones even has sex scenes so I'll let you decide if that's appropriate for a porn or sex addict to watch. Maybe he can go back to those sites after he gets 90+ days sober but until then he's probably shooting himself in the foot. If he is honest with himself, he might conclude: "i get bored so I surf the internet and watch TV, I regularly see body parts EVERY TIME I go to this site or TV show, then I get aroused and PMO or look for more arousing material to PMO." If he never went to _ website, he probably never would have started walking down his usual path to PMO (or he would eliminate 90% of the paths of he takes to PMO).

    It's not a fast solution, it takes time to honestly assess the things that are holding us back, and he definitely needs other men (not you) to be strong and assertive with him and let him know when he's being crazy or not. We are experts at fooling ourselves.
     
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  4. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    I am a German immigrant; moved to the US as a teenager. No, he refuses to be on here.
     
  5. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you
     
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  6. Mikemike666

    Mikemike666 Fapstronaut

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    Why does he refuse to be on here? I find that odd?
     
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  7. Mikemike666

    Mikemike666 Fapstronaut

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  8. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    By progress, you mean positive movement? No. I think that in the long run, we will get divorced. I can never trust him ever again. I can’t live a life filled with the constant worry and fear that he will do this again. It has been so damaging to me as a person. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life, than feel this way. I love him, so much, and I probably always will... only reason I am still here is because I am the type that can’t walk away without being 100% certain - that way I won’t ever look back.
     
  9. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    He is fairly anti-social and doesn’t want to talk to anyone about his problem.
     
  10. Mikemike666

    Mikemike666 Fapstronaut

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    When ur marriage is at stake he kind of really should.

    And secondly, nobody enjoys this but people do it to get better - that should be a pretty good reason.

    Sorry to hear there is so little progress. Dont give up hope!
     
    Stefanie likes this.
  11. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    I am beyond that... I do not have any hope left.
     
  12. Mikemike666

    Mikemike666 Fapstronaut

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    Still have you German passport? Maybe you both move to Germany - free healthcare and stuff...

    Living with no hope is not good. Only got one life - dont waste it! Are you (both) doing any exercise?
     
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  13. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    I obtained my US citizenship five years ago. I didn’t really want to... long story. He would never move.

    Thanks for kind words.
     
  14. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    We are not exercising. I am working 50+ hours a week because his job sucks and he doesn’t make any money.
     
  15. Mikemike666

    Mikemike666 Fapstronaut

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    Thats a tough spot to be. Really sorry to hear that. I of course dont know all the details but if you are not both committed to move forward, you will both be stuck and from what i understand you are both not in a good place.

    I work 50+ a week and i manage to find time to exercise if even briefly, it gives me energy as opposed to take it away. I find it critical even if sometime the effort to start is such a pain. If the whole world is hell, going for a fresh run for 40min can be like magic.

    My wife's favourite quote is always that i should meditate 5min away and if i dont have time i should mediate for an hours ;) (famous quote not hers ).

    Maybe if you live by example in the midrun you can motivate him. From what i sense he is likely depressed as well?
     
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  16. Stefanie

    Stefanie Fapstronaut

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    We used to work out together... then everything fell apart for me (health wise: cancer). He stopped going, because I stopped going. I want to get back there... but then this hit, and I am having a hard time just working, being a mom, cooking/cleaning etc. I am tired all the time (possibly depressed as well).

    I think my husband has been battling depression for a long time. He won't seek help.
     
  17. TheLoneDanger

    TheLoneDanger Fapstronaut

    This stands out to me because it’s the biggest thing going against a true reboot. At least it was for me. If one truly wants to quit, it can’t just be about “I won’t look at stuff that makes me feel so good any longer”. It’s about making a complete lifestyle change. Taking on other, more productive things that take the place of the destructive stuff. Simply sitting idle and counting the days is just prolonging the relapse in my opinion.

    Of course, as a whole, it’s more complicated than this. And also, easier said than done. But the fact remains, when you actually become a new person with a new outlook on life (goals, hobbies, etc.), only then will the old person die. Hopefully that makes sense.
     
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  18. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    Hey,
    Thanks for posting! This was likely not easy to say.

    You've identified two key points in the situation, the first is trust:
    This one is primarily yours and he can help. This could be the subject of a doctoral thesis and still be incomplete: how is trust regained? What conditions are necessary for trust to be rebuilt between two people?
    Think of a friend who once wronged you, but who you trust now -- what was the process of it? What happened between that incident and how you feel towards them now?

    The second is his boredom and self-perception:
    Idle hands...
    I was amazed at how much my boredom and depression drove me to porn. Really, my brain just wanted out - out of feeling terrible, out of feeling worthless, like I couldn't contribute, like I was alone, the constant reminders of my failings... Porn was just a release - a sweet flood of dopamine that bought me a few moments away from feeling worthless. Only it didn't work. I hated myself for using it after, and usually during. There is no winning when you hate yourself.
    This is mostly his but you can help him with it. When was the last time you went on a date?
    What can you do to help him discover his intense value, and his value to you?

    And lastly, what would you think of asking the church for support so you can get the surgery?
     
  19. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    That one struck me. I´ve got depressions for almost 10 years and I know how bad it can be and how hard it is to understand somebody who is having depressions. That said if you still want to save your marriage and give him a chance (I read through all your posts I know you´ve been hurt by him - maybe you CAN forgive him?) then you guys need to get a shrink somehow for me it really helped. I finally know why I am depressed after 10 years.

    What I´m saying is, get some help, consider not getting divorced for now and at least try to do the things so many people here tried to help you with! When you are depressed aswell then it really darkens everything around you even more, you see everything a lot "darker" than what it really is.

    Good luck, my heart is with you!
     
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