Long term consequences for acting out

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I acted out with transwoman escorts on two separate occasions four years ago I was on drugs and porn. I’m really scarred by these instances and feel I have tainted my life. I am straight and have zero desire for men or transsexuals I was on drugs and it was easily available. In all honesty it is the most regrettable thing I’ve done in my whole life. I haven’t been consistently depressed for four years but it has recently hit me hard. I know people will say therapy and whatnot but has anyone else dealt with this type of heavy guilt and shame? The damage I have caused my life over something so avoidable kills me.
 
I was once addicted to femdom/cuckold related porn and I would meet and pay escorts to act out things that I saw online, of course afterwards I would feel like absolute shit. It was degrading, I then transitioned to seeing escorts to have sex with them...but then I couldn't even get hard because I was so desensitized and conditioned to my fetish that normal vanilla sex wouldn't arouse me, again I'd feel like absolute shit.

Being unable to get hard to normal sex was of course my PIED, porn induced erectile dysfunction.

Do you mind me asking your age? because yes I have felt this heavy guilt and shame and it was a feeling I used to motivate me to never feel it again, which has helped me stay clean of fetish porn and porn in general for over 2 years now, I now have a relationship and a healthy sex life.

Its never too late to recognize that damage you have done and try to fix it. Coming on this site and talking about it is a good first step.
 
thanks man,
this happened 4 years ago. I honestly regret what I did more than any mistake I've made in life even when I did it it was literally like I was possessed or something, so much so that it feels like it happened to me against my will even though ultimately Im completely reponsible. Its definitely a dark skeleton I want to bury and never think about again. Doing something to myself that's brought me so much pain and anxiety really makes it hard for me to completely respect myself like I used to. Im really trying to come to terms with it and put it behind me forever.
 
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Mipomsix said:
thanks man, I'm 30 now this happened 4 years ago. I honestly regret what I did more than any mistake I've made in life even when I did it it was literally like I was possessed or something, so much so that it feels like it happened to me against my will even though ultimately Im completely reponsible. Its definitely a dark skeleton I want to bury and never think about again. Doing something to myself that's brought me so much pain and anxiety really makes it hard for me to completely respect myself like I used to. Im really trying to come to terms with it and put it behind me forever.
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This hard lesson is for you to teach you about something. It is impossible to forget, you can only transform this experience to gain greater self awareness. Memory doesn't work like rewritable memory card. You were for the last 4 years probably subconsciously halting your life potential because of feeling guilt and shame. Go to therapist otherwise you will be stuck in these emotions for the next 40 years. You may be not able to cope with them on your own. If they would be meant to vanish like clouds by themselves, they would be nonexistent by the time you wrote this post. Seek help, 4 years is enough suffering.
 
Thanks I may seek therapy down the road. I think my greatest fear is becoming successful and in the public eye down the road and having these mistakes follow me. I know it’s not a super likely scenario but having one of those people come out and try to expose me as someone I’m really not is a horrible thought. I’m so creeped out by those events it makes my skin crawl just thinking of the transsexuals and violating myself in that way. I almost feel like the movie it follows where this thing always knows even if it’s not present currently. If I can truly feel this is behind me and never something I have to examine again that would be a great relief.
 
Mipomsix said:
Thanks I may seek therapy down the road. I think my greatest fear is becoming successful and in the public eye down the road and having these mistakes follow me. I know it’s not a super likely scenario but having one of those people come out and try to expose me as someone I’m really not is a horrible thought. I’m so creeped out by those events it makes my skin crawl just thinking of the transsexuals and violating myself in that way. I almost feel like the movie it follows where this thing always knows even if it’s not present currently. If I can truly feel this is behind me and never something I have to examine again that would be a great relief.
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I know the feeling. The paranoia of a dark moment from your past coming back.
I’ve done some regretful things as well that I don’t even want to mention even in here and I’ve revealed a lot.
 
I read a statistic like 25 years ago that over half of all men have had gay sex by the time they are 40. Apparently it's really normal. I'm bringing this up because maybe it will help to put it in perspective. Even 25 years ago it was quiet common.
 
Yeah man that maybe so but in my case it is not something I ever was interested in and am even more so not now. It was the most traumatic disgusting experience of my life. I can say 100 percent I never would of even thought about it if it wasn’t for the heavy cocaine and alcohol use. I’m not bi or gay so it’s not like I can come out and be at ease with myself my only excuse is I was so twacked out and perverse that I reached a level of depravity to do something that I’d regret for life. Hard stuff to live with ☹️. I do appreciate you trying to put it in perspective tho.
 
There are certain therapies that can quickly disconnect your emotional pain and memories from those traumatic events. Rapid Resolution Therapy.
 
That sounds like what I need. I feel like I have a type of ptsd from those experiences. Periods of anxiety. My self image fluctuates sometimes I feel like a lesser man by having made such careless decisions with such huge consequences. Thanks for reply.
 
And - we all make mistakes...so try not be so hard on yourself. A therapist will tell you to forgive yourself. Give yourself the grace to admit your human weakness and learn from your mistake. Coming to this site is a great start. Read around and you'll find stories of people that have done a lot of crazy sh1t. And they've recovered from it. So will you.
 
Yeah I hope so. I hope also maybe this experience stops someone else. Nothing is worth living in this type of regret and trauma.
 
I think one of the biggest hurdles is regaining your identity as a decent man after acting in these destructive ways especially when you have a strong conscience. Like I would never be comfortable telling my family or girlfriend what I did. I also don’t think it’s necessary to do so as it’s not something I’m currently engaging in. At the same time I know if I did they would have a completely different view of me even if they did try and understand so it makes me feel like somewhat of a fraud when I live my life a certain way but have this instance I’m so ashamed of.
 
Mipomsix said:
I think one of the biggest hurdles is regaining your identity as a decent man after acting in these destructive ways especially when you have a strong conscience. Like I would never be comfortable telling my family or girlfriend what I did. I also don’t think it’s necessary to do so as it’s not something I’m currently engaging in. At the same time I know if I did they would have a completely different view of me even if they did try and understand so it makes me feel like somewhat of a fraud when I live my life a certain way but have this instance I’m so ashamed of.
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Most of us have prior things we did that we’re ashamed of, for most of us they will be secrets that we’ll take to the grave with us. I’ve never told my family or girlfriend either, I feel there are certain things that don’t need to be shared, as long as it’s finished and in the past for good.

It’s important not to dwell on it, if you’re religious you can ask for forgiveness and even if you aren’t you can clear your conscious knowing that it’s thoroughly in the past and will never happen again.

We’re human and we all make mistakes, we were in the grip of an addiction and while that’s no excuse for prior behaviour it was technically something out of our control when it took place. It’s like a drug addict or an alcoholic, in many ways porn addiction/seeing escorts etc is a disease.

Take comfort knowing you’re here on this site and on your journey to recovery and a better life.
 
I know there’s no way to change what happened
Sharksvv said:
Most of us have prior things we did that we’re ashamed of, for most of us they will be secrets that we’ll take to the grave with us. I’ve never told my family or girlfriend either, I feel there are certain things that don’t need to be shared, as long as it’s finished and in the past for good.

It’s important not to dwell on it, if you’re religious you can ask for forgiveness and even if you aren’t you can clear your conscious knowing that it’s thoroughly in the past and will never happen again.

We’re human and we all make mistakes, we were in the grip of an addiction and while that’s no excuse for prior behaviour it was technically something out of our control when it took place. It’s like a drug addict or an alcoholic, in many ways porn addiction/seeing escorts etc is a disease.

Take comfort knowing you’re here on this site and on your journey to recovery and a better life.
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Thanks man. I agree with what you say. I’m really just trying to replace as much negativity with positive things and hopefully one day it will not affect me so much.
 
I grew up believing I was gay, and as a result threw my youth away doing dark things. I strongly relate to what you're saying, but I don't have the original male identity to work with. Trying really hard to cobble together a masculine identity and future before I die, I don't know if it'll be possible for me, but all the advice around making sure you're beyond those behaviours and then letting them go is sound. If you know you were out of your mind and don't want that for yourself, then you can put it to rest. Even plotting a gradual course forward is progress. I hope you succeed!
 
Mipomsix said:
That sounds like what I need. I feel like I have a type of ptsd from those experiences. Periods of anxiety. My self image fluctuates sometimes I feel like a lesser man by having made such careless decisions with such huge consequences. Thanks for reply.
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Things we may have done are not directly equal to who we are. We have all done things in the past which are incongruous with our true being. The shame/guilt you feel sometimes is connected to those isolated experiences, not to who you really are inside. Being aware of this distinction has helped me release my own regrets for mistakes I made in the past.
 
chiyu said:
Things we may have done are not directly equal to who we are. We have all done things in the past which are incongruous with our true being. The shame/guilt you feel sometimes is connected to those isolated experiences, not to who you really are inside. Being aware of this distinction has helped me release my own regrets for mistakes I made in the past.
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The way I think about is that if I jump in water for the first time it doesn't make me a swimmer, putting out a fire doesn't make me a fireman and making something from wood doesn't mean I'm a carpenter. Doing something can't "make" me into anything.
 
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