I'm really sorry to hear what you and
@Mipomsix are going through. The consequences of our actions hit us in ways we never thought possible, even though it may have been a while ago. There are a lot of threads about shame and guilt and I made a
comment on a similar post earlier this week. But I'll repeat it cause it might help.
Personally, I struggle with excessive guilt because I saw escorts a few years ago, and because it's illegal where I am, I feel like I need to turn myself in and face the law. Of course, I've never been back to escorts for more than 2 years now and I will never go back, but this year I have really been struggling with the intense memory of my actions, with an obsessiveness that leaves me depressed and unable to focus on any tasks , and shame as to why I let my porn use escalate.
I may have good days but my bad days are many, start in the morning with the guilt in my mind and make me lose my appetite, drive to eat or work or be with friends. I'm no longer this person and try to live better now, but my mind will simply not let go of my past. I'm certainly no expert at any of this, but a few pointers that I try to live by daily:
- I read a helpful, hopefully relatable article: https://www.turningpointpsychology.ca/blog/real-event-ocd that talks about Real Event OCD, that describes some of our symptoms. Read through to the end, read the comments and see how people are unable to let go of terrible actions from the past that most people would have forgiven themselves for. It may not be the same issues, but battling shame from past actions is not an isolated struggle.
- Search for CSAT Therapists or even better therapists who deal with Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in your state. They understand sex addiction, have dealt with behavior that crossed lines and managing the post-effects of pornography and acting out.
- We all need deliberate recovery and that begins with stopping all forms of pornography. Long streaks of sobriety will eventually lessen the intensity (but not the memory) of these feelings. Regardless, keep at sobriety daily.
- When triggered to feel deep-rooted guilt, ask yourself: What big picture view am I missing out on? What responsibilities am I not attending to? What connections with my self, friends, family (or God) am I rejecting by focusing on my past self? What life goals am I neglecting by focusing my attention on this? How is worrying about behavior from the past helping me right now? More importantly, is the world better served by someone who keeps beating themselves over past mistakes or by someone who learns from their mistakes, avoids them and moves forward?
- Recognize that even after all of this, guilt and shame may not go away completely. We may never escape intrusive, obsessive thoughts or the panic and anxiety, but we can practice self-compassion: Treat yourself how you would a friend. ((https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...uide-to-self-compassion-in-the-toughest-times) .We can keep trying to let the past be in the past. We can keep supporting each other. We can take gratitude in the fact that we're no longer practicing our shameful behavior.
