Long-term effects of addiction in teenage years...

Hello!

I was encouraged to introduce myself to the community so here we go.
I am a female in my late twenties, am all about music and literature with a special fascination for psychology and sociology. I also like partying and drugs. (Please let me know if talking about drugs is permitted in the forum!). I'm really bad at introducing myself. So here is my story.

Basically, I became addicted to porn when I was about 11 or 12 years old and found my brother's hentai-magazines. I was a very sexual kid even before that and when I saw those pictures for the first time, it was as if they fuelled something that had already been lurking inside of me. At that time, internet was still about to become a thing so I would have to sneak into my brother's room when he was not at home and snoop around. Soon after that he got his first computer and I found out how to find the videos that he of course had and tried to hide. I also found my father's magazines and later on, his DVDs and clips on his PC. I was really good at finding everything and I spent a lot of time contemplating how and when to find and watch it. In between I tried to find everything else that would get me through the week, like sexualised books, articles, pictures (would even draw myself and then destroy) etc. I was very lonely, depressed and under a lot of pressure all the way through my late childhood and teenage years.

Fast forward a couple of years, I live away from home and have my own laptop now and do okayish, I think for a while I didn't watch anything but I can't really remember. I definitely remember that it then somehow got to a point where I would binge watch for hours, almost every day. Obviously very shame. Obviously got viruses and other sh*t that fucked up my laptop. Obviously decided to rather let go of all my music and all my photos than have anyone know what sites I was on. Obviously saw many things that I wholeheartedly wish I had never seen. Kind of came to realise that I have a problem eventually and definitely would have never talked to anyone about it but instead just tried not to do it anymore. Relapsed a couple of times, realised that my tolerance had not gone down at all; saw more things I wish I hadn't. I remember moments in my everyday life where I would have flashbacks of said things because they were triggered by something and my brain made some seriously strange, long associations and I would get hot with shame and disgust.

I have been doing really, really well in the past couple of years, I went to therapy for depression, anxiety disorder and mild eating disorder (never brought up the porn, though), and changed a few things in my life for the better. I am generally a much healthier, happier person now and I only relapsed maybe twice last year and probably same in the year before that. However, I can feel that my sexuality is not ok. I have an amazing boyfriend (really) whom I find extremely attractive and who is my best friend at the same time. His understanding and patience for me is endless.

It's really hard to put into words, actually.... I feel disconnected from my own sexuality and libido. I used to suffer from really bad post-coital-tristesse, or cum-downs as we like to call it. I thought that was the reason why even though I enjoy sex very much I still don't feel like doing it most of the time. That has got much better ever since my depression (and the boyfriend) has got better but my problem prevails. Most of the time, sex feels like something that's "not me", I have sexual thoughts and feelings but it almost feels as if it's a different me that feels them, definitely not the me that cuddles up with my boyfriend every night. I feel fragmented. When we haven't had sex in a while, I get really anxious about him trying (even though he barely ever does and if so, there is zero pressure or guilt), I catch myself thinking terrible things about him (along the lines of all men are the same, primitive, always want something of me/others, want to have access to my body, don't care about other's feelings as long as they feel pleasure) and it disgusts me, first because I think and feel these appalling, degrading things and then because I know with all my being that my boyfriend is not like that and then because of course I don't think of men like that (!) and if I heard anyone express such things I would be shocked and call them out on it and it genuinely makes me think wtf is wrong with me?

So, you see where this is going and this is my
tl;dr: I think I deeply fucked up my sexuality and everything that has to do with it by exposing myself to porn from a very early age on and for quite a long time. Please help.

On a side note I purposely left out details about my sex life because I don't know if it might be too arousing or something? Am completely ready to answer any questions, though. Thanks for reading.