Hey dudes. This is gonna be a long recovery, but I need to start making it happen today. For I would say at least 10 years (from the age of 11!!!!), I've been masturbating/getting off multiple times a day. My introduction to porn was...sissy porn and sissy hypnosis, somehow? I don't remember, really. My interest in it waxed and waned. Porn addiction has made itself manifest in a lot of different ways and fetishes/kinks, but within the last 5 years it's been especially rough. I fell into sissy porn again after abstaining from it for a long time due to absolutely no interest (which I attribute to having two different girls I was interested in at the time), and then found myself getting off to the idea of a guy using me. I remember even forcing myself to try and get off to the thought of two guys together, simply trying to chase the farthest and farthest extreme kink I could find. The next part is a little embarrassing, really. I fell so enamored with this fetish, when I was around 16, I started thinking I was transgender. It became an escape, I didn't imagine myself as a woman unless I was aroused, I didn't want to be unless I was heavily in the mood. In high school, I only found myself romantically interested in women. I didn't and still don't find stereotypical men physically attractive, only feminine looking, 'girly' ones. I like looking like a man, too. I don't even know how to make sense of that little mental blip, it just feels silly. Truthfully though, I don't find anything especially attractive in the real world. Not lately, anyway. I remember dreaming about cute girls, getting married, having a wife, kids, not about sex, which I equate to my porn addiction stifling my normal sex drive, but the romantic want and attraction was there. My sex drive is just friiiiiied. Ugh. I don't truthfully even know what I really like at this point. I know all of the porn I look at is female-oriented, staring at buff men doesn't do a thing for me. Probably the hardest and most embarrassing thing about this is that, through those 5 years, I've been in an online relationship with someone, filling the 'role' of a woman. Falling deeper and deeper into the sissy stuff, I just...fell in love with it, until one day, a week ago, I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know what made me snap, but it makes me sick to my stomach now. This isn't me, I suddenly know this isn't me, I've gotten a giant wake-up call. I guess, just...how do I even start? I plan on breaking it off with this person today, even if it's a little gut-wrenching in that I think they're a coping mechanism for the real world for me. A very unhealthy one, but one I know it'll sting to have gone. That and I do care about their feelings, a lot. Either way, however, I need a clear head from all of these fantasies, fantasies that didn't even really manifest again until two different relationships with women, and have now just...crept in, I guess. Can anyone please give me a friendly bit of advice/also just say hello? Sorry for the massive wall of text, life is a bit of a struggle, but I feel a little better better typing it out, anyway.
Welcome! I'm glad you're here. I want to encourage you to make an immediate, and complete, break from that past. I used to do chat, and there were people I had ongoing "relationships" with, so to speak. And I remember finding it really hard to break it off, but I knew that I had to, and I did. I would just tell them, straight out, that this was something I had to do, and I wished them well, and that this was tearing me up inside, and so forth. Also, for what it's worth, I was into being dominated as well. So, yeah, I know what that's all like. I hope you keep coming back.
Welcome. Glad you are here. Take some time to read the reboot material (available here => http://www.nofap.com/getting-started) and come up with a plan for what you will do when you are faced with urges. It has good advice, so don't skip it! Perhaps start writing a journal - if you feel comfortable telling people about happened and what's going on now, you will start to feel accountable to them. You may even inspire others. It's a nice feeling! This will help your recovery. Also, try to add something into your life that makes you the kind of person who doesn't engage in PMO. Think about doing: Something you enjoy Something you're good at Something important Something for somebody else, without thought of reward (and if you DO get an unintended reward, do something ELSE, perhaps for a different person or group). Read the journals of others - we all learn from each other. For example, I received the above good advice from a far more experienced member of the community who shared his knowledge. Don't just stay within your own age group or part of the world. Share your knowledge in a respectful way. Read, learn, apply. Look around the forums, get to know people. Everyone is friendly, and will try to support you. We're all in the same boat here. Be kind to others and others will be kind to you, both here and IRL. I wish you a successful reboot.
