Looking for Advice

unabletorecall · Nov 4, 2018

I know this is a lot of words. Please feel free to skip to the bottom and then skim the rest. Also, my writing might seem a bit odd because I usually only write formally.

I quit watching porn almost a year ago. For a while, I did not think about it very often. Last summer I was assigned to read criminal court cases. Some of these cases were about sex and I found my body physically responding. I felt terrible because that response happened as long as the victim was female. It happened regardless of how horrific the crime or who the victim was.

My guilt kept increasing as I reflected on the most disturbing porn I've looked at. I could forgive myself for looking at clearly staged pornography images and videos. However, I think some of the cartoons I looked at are absolutely unacceptable (loli). Additionally, although I did not go there often, I visited a sketchy website. This website was/is a website in the US that contains videos uploaded by users. Some of the videos were of low quality and not in English. It had very extreme and violent videos. According to the website, all videos are of consenting adults and, when I initially looked it up on other sites, commenters also said the videos were fake. However, I had recently realized that some voyeuristic images and videos I saw were probably real. I was and still am terrified that I might have enjoyed real acts of torture.

Back when I was watching porn, at some point after considering how sketchy the site was, I looked it up and decided it was fake but that, just to be sure, I should probably stay clear of it. I might have still gone back occasionally (I honestly don't know). I'm not sure whether I ever went back and watched those extreme videos for pleasure when I had doubts in my mind about whether they were fake.

Right now, I am in counseling and avoid porn pretty carefully (Until I decided to put on safe search, I still ran in to it occasionally when I was trying to research and understand the stuff I had looked at and whether they might be real.) I reported the website to the FBI but, last I checked, it is still a website people are legally allowed to visit.

I still feel really awful about what I've done. I don't know what I am supposed to do from here. I already changed my behavior, but is that really enough? I feel like I might be complicit. I never paid for anything but what if some of the site's advertisement money went to people who post those videos? I'm wondering whether I am forgivable? and If I have a right to move on with my life?

countitjoy5 · Nov 4, 2018

unabletorecall said: ↑

I know this is a lot of words. Please feel free to skip to the bottom and then skim the rest. Also, my writing might seem a bit odd because I usually only write formally.

I quit watching porn almost a year ago. For a while, I did not think about it very often. Last summer I was assigned to read criminal court cases. Some of these cases were about sex and I found my body physically responding. I felt terrible because that response happened as long as the victim was female. It happened regardless of how horrific the crime or who the victim was.

My guilt kept increasing as I reflected on the most disturbing porn I've looked at. I could forgive myself for looking at clearly staged pornography images and videos. However, I think some of the cartoons I looked at are absolutely unacceptable (loli). Additionally, although I did not go there often, I visited a sketchy website. This website was/is a website in the US that contains videos uploaded by users. Some of the videos were of low quality and not in English. It had very extreme and violent videos. According to the website, all videos are of consenting adults and, when I initially looked it up on other sites, commenters also said the videos were fake. However, I had recently realized that some voyeuristic images and videos I saw were probably real. I was and still am terrified that I might have enjoyed real acts of torture.

Back when I was watching porn, at some point after considering how sketchy the site was, I looked it up and decided it was fake but that, just to be sure, I should probably stay clear of it. I might have still gone back occasionally (I honestly don't know). I'm not sure whether I ever went back and watched those extreme videos for pleasure when I had doubts in my mind about whether they were fake.

Right now, I am in counseling and avoid porn pretty carefully (Until I decided to put on safe search, I still ran in to it occasionally when I was trying to research and understand the stuff I had looked at and whether they might be real.) I reported the website to the FBI but, last I checked, it is still a website people are legally allowed to visit.

I still feel really awful about what I've done. I don't know what I am supposed to do from here. I already changed my behavior, but is that really enough? I feel like I might be complicit. I never paid for anything but what if some of the site's advertisement money went to people who post those videos? I'm wondering whether I am forgivable? and If I have a right to move on with my life?
Click to expand...

That was an impressive wall of text - I skipped straight to the end where you asked if you are forgivable. The good news is yes. All have sinned and fallen short. We are all justified freely by God's grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ. Repent and begin your rebooting journey!

kropo82 · Nov 4, 2018

Even without a belief in God the most important thing is what you do next. You've realised that the porn you enjoyed was destructive and now you are doing something to build yourself a life without porn. That's good.

Deleted Account · Nov 4, 2018

Yes. Do you forgive yourself?

MasterRoshi · Nov 4, 2018

unabletorecall said: ↑

I know this is a lot of words. Please feel free to skip to the bottom and then skim the rest. Also, my writing might seem a bit odd because I usually only write formally.

I quit watching porn almost a year ago. For a while, I did not think about it very often. Last summer I was assigned to read criminal court cases. Some of these cases were about sex and I found my body physically responding. I felt terrible because that response happened as long as the victim was female. It happened regardless of how horrific the crime or who the victim was.

My guilt kept increasing as I reflected on the most disturbing porn I've looked at. I could forgive myself for looking at clearly staged pornography images and videos. However, I think some of the cartoons I looked at are absolutely unacceptable (loli). Additionally, although I did not go there often, I visited a sketchy website. This website was/is a website in the US that contains videos uploaded by users. Some of the videos were of low quality and not in English. It had very extreme and violent videos. According to the website, all videos are of consenting adults and, when I initially looked it up on other sites, commenters also said the videos were fake. However, I had recently realized that some voyeuristic images and videos I saw were probably real. I was and still am terrified that I might have enjoyed real acts of torture.

Back when I was watching porn, at some point after considering how sketchy the site was, I looked it up and decided it was fake but that, just to be sure, I should probably stay clear of it. I might have still gone back occasionally (I honestly don't know). I'm not sure whether I ever went back and watched those extreme videos for pleasure when I had doubts in my mind about whether they were fake.

Right now, I am in counseling and avoid porn pretty carefully (Until I decided to put on safe search, I still ran in to it occasionally when I was trying to research and understand the stuff I had looked at and whether they might be real.) I reported the website to the FBI but, last I checked, it is still a website people are legally allowed to visit.

I still feel really awful about what I've done. I don't know what I am supposed to do from here. I already changed my behavior, but is that really enough? I feel like I might be complicit. I never paid for anything but what if some of the site's advertisement money went to people who post those videos? I'm wondering whether I am forgivable? and If I have a right to move on with my life?
Click to expand...

A few things for you to consider.

1. All you can do is a lving amends for the rest of your life never viewing that stuff again and staying on your current healthy sexual journey. Do everything in your power to reframe your sexuality into what you want it to be. As long as you are honestly attempting this, you’re guilt might subside.

2. You can set aside a certain amount of every paycheck to fund sexual abuse non profits or something like that if that helps you make amends

3. You can mention your ruminating thoughts to your therapist and mention your guilt. This is what I did after being suicidal from guilt and being alone with it. My therapist helped me live free of this expteeme guilt.

4. Be kind to yourself. After all you’re a sexual human being, wit natural sexual urges. Porn has messed up our sexual desires, but overtime this can change if we work on ourselves. But remember it’s ok to have fantasies and a broad sexual desire.

As we get further and further away from porn AND disturbing sexual fantasies (which can be just as detrimental) and engage in healthy sexual behaviors to rewire our sexuality, I have found that my broad sexuality is ok. I want love and affection from someone normal, I want sexual experiences with someone normal, but if a younger girl is dressed slutty and is sexy, and my mind finds her sexually appealing, there’s nothing I can do about that. Heck it’s normal. So no need for me to fight that thought or feeling. But the longer I’m sober, the less it has any lasting effect on me. It comes and goes As she walks on by. And I carry on with life.

unabletorecall · Nov 5, 2018

Thank you everyone who replied! I still have a lot of thinking left to do. I hope I can find a constructive way to take responsibility and handle my regrets.

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