Looking for answers

Hello @Hanging by a thread

A good question and one I think all partners ask themselves. I am yet to get a good answer for the question what does recovered look and feel like. Will the addiction always be there lurking in the shadows waiting for the difficult times so it can reappear? Is it gone forever after a certain time? How do you know when they move to the next step? Some of these questions I still don't know the answer to.

I do know that it is a slow process. For my husband, he started to think less about the addiction and eventually it was not on his mind at all and is Easy to resist. It is obvious to me now that he has made some major changes. His outlook on things has altered. He is present. There are still issues we need to address but it is not the disrespectful mistreatment of before.

I have seen a change in the way he think about women. He doesn't gawk like he used to. I still see glimpses of the objectification but not like it was. Sometimes I wonder if this is the addiction, the result of how he was brought up or if it is in his personality. I must say that I really do not like this trait at all.

Perhaps some of the men can give a better perspective on this one. I myself would like to know if anyone has some other insights.

Good luck to you and your so.

 

Hi
I'm a married man, with an occasional porn habit (every few months) that I've recently acknowledged as an addiction and am totally committed to quitting for good. Since finding this site, I'm on a 90 day full celibacy challenge for starters, with the support of my wife.

So, my experience, which may or may not relate to your husband:
- it wan't that I objectivised women. I've certainly never actually wanted to have sex with anyone apart from my wife
- for a couple of years I used to look at sex cartoons and comics so I wouldn't actually be looking at other real women, but then, somehow, I found myself looking at real women too (consistent with all the research on gradual de-sensitisation)
- and the fact is that when you spend any significant amount of time looking at naked women, or men, in cartoon or full flesh form, doing whatever it is they're doing, you simply can't help but experience your brain being flooded by similar images or suggestions when you're seeing real people out in the real world.
- even worse, it doesn't actually stop there: where a child might see fluffy elephants or whatever in the clouds, someone with a heavy porn habit will be seeing people having sex. It worms its way into your senses, and somehow infects the link between your sight and your brain.
- so he may still find you the most attractive women on earth, he may not wish to fantasise about other women, but until he gets a grip on himself, he will almost certainly be unable to have "clean eyes" and a clean mind, whether he likes it or not.

The good news it can most certainly go away, through a) stopping consumption of porn and b) developing the mental discipline to look away, banish sex images from the mind, think of something else etc. After time (over several months), the images and suggestions will start cooling off, and can eventually disappear altogether. I know this, because after a 15 year porn habit that started when I was about 13, I did get rid of it altogether for nearly 10 yrs until I foolishly thought it had no grip on me, and I could safely look at a sexy looking comic.

Anyway, that's what I'm most looking forward to getting back - clean eyes and a clean mind.

Get him signed up to a PMO free challenge asap, along with committing the time to reading and research on this site and others. That's what helped me big time to realise I actually have an addiction, and urgently need to get it sorted. Like you say, the work has to go in now, and there's an awesome support community here to help it happen.

All strength to you

 

yes, that's the plan.

 

I no longer "perve" at women, certainly not in the way I used to. I can only imagine how uncomfortable I may have made them feel when they were the focus of my staring!

This changed as I stayed away from the addiction more. I began to see it wasn't a nice or respectful way to behave for them, for my wife and for myself. It also does me no good to indulge in behaving that way.

Do I occasionally notice a pretty woman? Of course I do. Do I fixate and stare and behave disrespectfully? No.

 

Hi Hanging by a thread,
I appreciate your question. I know my SO felt the pain of my eyes not belonging to her alone. But, that has changed. It took some time and some significant steps on my part to take control. One thing that I do to help me is take off my glasses in a public place where the temptations are high (supermarket, fairs, beach). This may not be an option for your SO, but it dulls the impact of my environment so that I have less temptation.
I will say that while there is a chemical process that needs to be reset, we are not robots either. By that I mean we don't have to obey every little stimulus that comes into our head. I know that it hurts not being his "one and only", but you said he is trying. What my wife would do occasionally for me was: stop me, grab my hands and look straight in my eyes and say "I know you want me to be the only woman in your life, can you show me that by not looking at other women?"

 

Hi again,
I didn't have a huge fantasy life while I was in porn. What my wife and I did decide is that it is like an alcoholic taking sips but not getting drunk. There is a "visual hit" that looking gave me. So, I didn't necessarily need to go very far with the thought to have a porn substitute.

Now, my SO and I talk about the "Ticker Tape", what was going through my mind as I saw another woman and it went something like: I like that view from the back and now I am curious to see if the front is good too, yeah she is still nice looking, I wonder what she looks like naked ... as so on.

Talk to your SO about the thoughts going through his head. Then bring him to reality the way that my wife did, "Now go up to her and ask her if she wants to have sex with you." Reality is the friend to the addict. There is a chance this other woman would say yes, but ewww if she does.

One other consideration is to avoid places that have that type of temptation: the beach, the mall, the amusement park. Give him some time to get cleaner and then have a plan before you go to these places.

As far as the request to be my "one and only", my SO only does that occasionally now. It gets better, but if you want to have a great relationship it may come at the cost of some pride and hard work. I think that you are willing to do that.

BTW, I have shared your response with my SO to she what she has to say.

 

Hello Hanging by a Thread,

I am Jfromcr's wife. To answer your question (is this a side effect and will it go away), I can't speak for all men, but I've heard it is a consistent theme. This is what I noticed with my husband. When he was sober from 2000-2006, I noticed he didn't have a real problem with checking out other women. Then when he began leading a hidden life again (PMO), I noticed he'd check them out more often.

After he got sober again in 2010, it would come and go, and sometimes it seemed worse than ever before. It seemed like he was looking, thinking, "Is she pretty? Should I not be looking at her?"

So that's when I started saying,
"I know I am attractive to you. May I be the only one?"

Usually this was enough to get him to stop looking. Sometimes it wasn't. But over time we found other tools that worked for us, and he began honoring me On. Hi.s Own.-- consistently, diligently, and fully, and (after a long healing process) now I really DO feel like his one and only.

Something interesting, though. (And I think this is the purpose of our guys 'only having eyes for us.') When he stopped looking at other women, even when he was on his own, he began finding me even MORE attractive. I really do feel he only has eyes for me now.

I have more I'd like to say, but will be tied up tomorrow. I'll try to post on Friday.

 

BUT, just know y'all are on the right track, especially since HE is motivated to change.

 

Hanging by a Thread,

I was able to get away for a bit today… For what you wrote above (1): Yea, my husband's "looking at other women" didn't go away immediately. And sometimes he'd go through seasons of having to remind him each time we went out. It was a mess for some time.

It just went away much more quickly when he quit taking the 'visual sips' he and I wrote about. And it all but disappeared when HE started becoming more aware on his own, HOLDING HIMSELF TO THAT STANDARD, even when we were apart.

Something interesting though: Before he really got a handle on it, HE WAS USUALLY UNAWARE he was doing it (that whole desensitization thing.)

Today we just talked about those times when I'd let him know he was looking at another girl, and he said, "It wasn't the most pleasant of feelings (when I'd let him know what he was doing), but it was helpful, and I was thankful you were there to point out things I didn't know I was doing."

(I wish he'd been able to have an accountability partner around him that often so it wasn't me reminding him, but in the end it worked out for our good.)

But again, you're right. It won't go away overnight.

--

On what you wrote above (3): I KNOW!!! I love how one of my favorite authors, Don Miller ("Blue Like Jazz"), put it: It's like advertisers say, "Buy our product, and women will want to have sex with you." And, "In Canada, it's just dish soap, but in American commercials, it's a spa for your tired and aching dishes, and if you use it your husband will start being affectionate and wanting to have sex with you again."

So frustrating how sex is used, but Advertisers are just using brain science to their own advantage. (frustrated sigh)

Oops, I'm out of time. I'll have to come back to address the other numbers later.

 

Hey Hanging by a Thread, You've commented that your bf started this as a child AND had childhood trauma issues. You probably already know this, but that doesn't preclude him from getting free of this.

My husband had similar issues (started VERY young and also had childhood trauma.) He may have linked his story on one of his comments so far.

Either way, though, just know THERE'S HOPE for both of you.

 

I'll be honest about the first question. Yes I believe our hyper awareness of women's physical appearance is primarily caused by porn, but it's also a biological function. After 8 months, for me, I still catch myself doing it, but not in the same way.. I'll look at a woman for her beauty, I'll look at her in the face more often than not, I'm not gawking nor thinking about being with them, I just enjoy seeing beautiful things and that's what women are.. didn't use to be like that..
after awhile seeing a girl that is attractive won't feel any different, it's hard to notice that you act differently because it happens so many times out of the day.. but when you see how other men do it, how people that don't care about porn use look at women, you'll think woah wtf this ain't right.. It's crazy how we objectify other people like that's all they're good for.
99% of the time it's a dude soo far underneath the value of that woman, saying things he has no business saying like he's some alpha dog. It's ridiculous, and quite disturbing when you take a step back and watch from a different point of view.

 

"So far the responses ive gotten are about the same in regards to time frame of objectifying becoming better in 7 to 9 mos."

About 10 months or there abouts for me. I realized it at work one day when they paired me with an absolute wanker who was eye-humping women and talking arsey all day. Bloke was so annoying, I was clenching my teeth throughout the day in disgust. I kept thinking, I used to be this troglodyte. Pathetic. By the time I got home that evening, my jaw ached from tension. Swore to myself, never again. Seeing, really seeing, without a porn clouded brain what that drooling idiot looked and sounded like was enough to put me off for good.