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Looking for more perspective

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by ihatepornsomuch, Dec 10, 2020.

  1. Dec 10, 2020 #1
    ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    Can someone explain to me how this works for you as PA? Or if any other SOs have any more insight? So far, my husband has opened up and said that thoughts come to him (usually a lot of old scenes) and that causes the urges. Then they consume his mind until he PMOs. He’s on day 36 and the urges have lessened and I am super proud of him for making it this far. He said he’s never even gone 2-3 days in the past no PMO (his usual was at least once a day).

    What I’m having a hard time with/doesn’t translate for me is the idea that he frequented this so often, how come now that it’s removed he doesn’t want me more or sex more often? Does it really have nothing to do with being horny? Do the thoughts just cross your mind and being aroused happens after you start looking? He doesn’t seem to be going through any type of flatline.

    Additionally, he came across something the other night on FB. We had had sex but the next morning, he asked if we could again quick before work. I was excited, thinking maybe he’s finally desiring me more. Nope, found out about what he’d seen on fb and so the sex in the morning was just him trying to stay ahead of the urges. He ended up still going back and looking through it (porn a graphic images). But clearly, if you had sex twice in less than 12 hours and you still are tempted to view that stuff, it isn’t about being overly horny. It’s just how bad the addiction is? I’m rambling at this point. I’m just looking for any type of insight I suppose. I’m so sick of feeling unwanted and not enough for him. I’m not unattractive, I have a decent body, we’re pretty young, I’m not super prude in the bedroom, I also don’t withhold and have never told him no. I think my libido is higher than his! But then how was he able to PMO every day but not want me? Ugh!!
     
    ihatepornsomuch, Dec 10, 2020
    ihatepornsomuch, Dec 10, 2020
    #1
  2. Dec 11, 2020 #2
    hope4healing

    hope4healing NoFap Moderator
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    First, I understand everything you're saying. I wondered about all of this, too, because it seems to make sense that they would want you more often now that the P is gone. But, then I learned a lot more about the addiction and how it really isn't about being horny or about their sex drive at all. The addiction is about dopamine, and PMO gives them a huge dose of it...more than they could ever get through sex with a real person. That is what it's about. Many addicts think their addiction is about a high sex drive, but in reality, most of them probably don't know what their real, natural sex drive is even like because the addiction has been in charge for so long.
    This is the addicted brain doing whatever it can to get that hit. When they haven't fed the addiction for awhile, it gets desperate and will trick them in whatever way necessary to get that dopamine again. That's why sometimes they'll resort to psubs because, even though it isn't quite the same as PMO, it's still giving them little amounts of it and let's them believe they're still working on recovery because it isn't actual P. But, it's still feeding the addiction enough to keep it alive.

    Also, a lot of PA's talk about the chaser effect, especially early in recovery so that's something he should watch out for.

    I know how painful it is to feel so unwanted and like you're not enough. We want to feel desired by our husband, and if they're no longer consumed by PMO, it seems like that should happen more. But, it takes some time before they're out of the 'fog.' I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things start getting better soon. Stay strong.
     
    hope4healing, Dec 11, 2020
    hope4healing, Dec 11, 2020
    #2
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  3. Dec 11, 2020 #3
    Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    I can give my personal opinion, however everyone is different and using my experience to peg your SO may not be the best idea.

    For me personally, it was more about habit and escape than being aroused ahead of time. For example, I'd be stressed, or angry, or lonely and I would open up reddit and scroll through. I would not masturbate every time, but at my low points I would open reddit many times a day and mindlessly scroll. Sometimes seeing the images would arouse me enough I would masturbate, however the majority of the time it wasn't my original goal. I've found I do want sex more often with my wife now, but not an extraordinary amount more, and honestly we're having sex about the same as previously due to her having immese stress at work right now.

    I see this as two things. First, it's good he told you about the FB post and the urges and his setback. While the end result is not ideal, that's honesty and probably not something he did before.

    Second, working on porn addiction isn't like a video game where urges need to be worked on like a health bar. As you saw, and hopefully he realizes, sex didn't solve his urge, it simply distracted him from it for a period of time. It's a learning opportunity for him.

    The short answer is yes. There is a reason that the first step in SAA is admitting you're powerless over the addiction and your life has become unmanageable. It's because if you can't admit that, there's no point in going forward.

    I'm sorry he's left you feeling this way. I can only reiterate a couple of points I've read, heard, and connect with.

    1) It's not about you being prude or exciting in the bedroom. No amount of sex or availability is going to fix him :https://fightthenewdrug.org/becoming-a-porn-star-to-save-my-relationship/

    2) For me it wasn't about replacing sex. I would have much rather been having sex with my wife. However, it was about escaping emotions I am just beginning to learn to recognize and deal with.

    3) My advice is not to think of your sexuality as something that can keep him away from PMO. You could literally be waiting naked in bed all day whenever an urge hits, and if he can't find the root causes, and work on them, and work that process, it wouldn't do any good.

    4) I hope he appreciates how supportive you are. Not only looking for help on your own here, but celebrating his accomplishments and from my own perspective 30ish days in after being discovered (not the first time, but what I hope to be the last) we were barely holding hands and talking, let alone having sex twice in 12 hours. We have kids and such, so not always an option, but still.
     
    Trobone, Dec 11, 2020
    Trobone, Dec 11, 2020
    #3
    ihatepornsomuch and hope4healing like this.
  4. Dec 11, 2020 #4
    ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    Okay, I just looked into this. I had no idea!!! How is that supposed to look in recovery? It it better to not be intimate very often then? Or is it worse to be abstaining and then all of a sudden they have this effect?
     
    ihatepornsomuch, Dec 11, 2020
    ihatepornsomuch, Dec 11, 2020
    #4
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. Dec 11, 2020 #5
    ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your response. It definitely helps to remind myself it has nothing to do with me, but it still doesn’t suck any less.

    We have only been married 1 year. We were abstinent our whole engagement (or at least I was). Our sex life was something I looked forward to. I feel robbed. Obviously it’s not all about that and really our relationship is really great besides this particular problem. But it does feel like this seeps into other areas by default. Back to my point - we’re only a year in and in our early 20s, I have only known about this for 2 years. It still hurts, but I’m sure there’s a lot more hurt in a situation where a wife doesn’t find out until years later in the marriage.
     
    ihatepornsomuch, Dec 11, 2020
    ihatepornsomuch, Dec 11, 2020
    #5
  6. Dec 12, 2020 #6
    hope4healing

    hope4healing NoFap Moderator
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    I'm sorry, but I don't know the answers for this. My husband has never been open and/or honest with me about this kind of thing, but it has been discussed enough around here to make me believe it's a real thing that happens to some of them. Hopefully some of them are willing to share some more insight...
     
    hope4healing, Dec 12, 2020
    hope4healing, Dec 12, 2020
    #6
  7. Dec 12, 2020 #7
    Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Csat’s recommend 90 days no sexual stimuli at all. Not even seeing you undress. My husband and I only made it 52 days, had sex, then another 50 days. We never made it the whole 90 days, mostly because of me. However, the abstaining for 52, then 50 really helped him a lot. It doesn’t help though if your husband Pom’s, or fantasizes or masturbates. He must be committed to controlling his thought life and really abstaining from sexual stimuli.
     
    Psalm27:1my light, Dec 12, 2020
    Psalm27:1my light, Dec 12, 2020
    #7
    Trobone, DefendMyHeart and hope4healing like this.

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