Looking for strength!(may contain triggers to some)

Day 0
I MOed for four time since yesterday, twice with P and twice without P.Yes I relapsed but I learned something this time. I have been here on this site since end of 2014 and been on and off with my PMO addiction.I used to read about people talking about porn induced erectile dysfunction and I thought I have escaped this danger by being early on this site. But yesterday I saw a glimpse of PIED and how porn screwed with neural pathways because of my indulgence. (Trigger warning)I downloaded two videos one with the fetish or fantasy I have and other with the pornstar solo which was vanilla comparatively.I was masturbating second time and strange thing was I can only get excited with the fetish one and when I toggled or changed the video to vanilla solo I almost lost my erection and penis was going soft.This was because I saw that solo vanilla video more than 20 times during my last relapses. It was not at all exciting and stimulating as when I saw it for first time.Firstly I thought it was coincidence so decided to continue with the solo vanilla porn star video but I could not get an erection after seeing that.So I was surprised and then changed the video to the fantasy or fetish video, penis was hard again and I was ready to ejaculate.Then I again shifted to vanilla one and Oed. I read so much about delayed ejaculation and PIED but never had experienced it. I used to wonder when I came to know about people are unable to get erection with real person but can get it hard with porn only.But now I know the process as I have seen it happening with myself.I could have masturbated with the vanilla for hours but I don't think that would have ended in an Orgasm.This is really scary guys. I feel sorry that I never took these guys suffering from PIED and delayed ejaculation seriously.
I always thought I should abstain from PMO on moral ground. I should not indulge in porn as it is against my religion.I should not masturbate as it stop your spiritual development. But these reasons were not strong enough to keep me away from porn.Whenever alone in the house I always failed to control myself till date.But now I am scared by porn as It goes so deep in mind and change the definition of normal. When I started masturbating even a cheesy and raunchy dance number with minimal skin exposure could stimulate me to orgasm.Now here I am can not get it up even with vanilla solo featuring my favourite ex porn star. Only fetish involving incest can make my penis hard.This is alarming and this should be the last warning for me by this shameful habit. I am personally a very kind and helpful person. I can understand peoples suffering as I know suffering very closely.But when I am searching porn I grow horns on my head I guess , I do not hold anything sacred and porn teach you to do that.It awaken my darkest desires and created many as I was quiet unaware of them.When I was a child I use to go to one of my relatives house.There was one lady who was related to me but was not from my family. I was 8 years or even younger than that. From that time she tried to seduce me intentionally or unintentionally. As I grew to become an adolescent of 12 to 13 year old. I saw her half naked hundred times.I used to get erection but I was a coward kid so never tried anything. As I grown older like 14-15 I was introduced to porn by a friend. From then I use to touch her buttocks when no one was around.she liked it but never said a word about it. I became bolder and I used to visit her house frequently. She never initiated for intercourse and I never had that much courage(I am still a virgin as I never had sex or even a kiss) . One fine day she got irritated by my fear of getting caught and she tried to avoid me. I cried in front of her husband but he was very kind to me.He might have suspected something but he have an angelic heart and forgave this psychopath child or demon.Then after that incident my family shifted to new home far away from her home. They are unaware about it. But it left scar on my childhood as I was to young to handle all this at that age. Why she seduced me, I do not know.May be she knew this simpleton boy could not harm her or tell anyone about this. I do not feel like a victim though. I used to feel fortunate as I touched a woman in a age when boys can only dream about it. But now I feel unfortunate about as it made me a twisted person. I never had a girlfriend before or after that phase. I know intimacy as a memory from those days and intimacy created guilt in my mind.I know this created my obsession to mature young themed porn and now I am totally addicted and screwed up my personal and private life.
anyway back to the topic of abstaining from PMO forever.Now I do have a first hand experience(no pun intended) of consequences of porn like PIED and delayed ejaculation, I do have a strong reason to abstain. And also the moral of above story is if I did not know about porn , my obsession of that lady would have been limited to stare at her and not beyond that.But porn changed the definition of normal behaviour and I committed sins related to sex.I will die feeling guilt about above mentioned story and few other incidents where porn made me cross the line, which otherwise I would not dared to cross. I am not saying porn did this to me, may be I am a devil himself.But yes porn was feeding all those fantasy and dissolving those inhibition of morality. If I fail to abstain from PMO even after sharing all this darkness, there is no hope for me to fight this long lasted addiction. Praying for strength of character, Praying for forgiveness for my sins, I hope I will be forgiven. I am christian but let me say amen to those prayers and bye bye to PMO.

 

Thanks , I am trying that.

 

Day 0
I did not masturbated but saw images of naked models on google so it is a relapse. Why I do not know, but I will be careful from now on.

 

Day 0 really
I stopped myself last three times from masturbating but this time I gave in. The trigger was seen in a very unusual place i.e. in a crowded train and on screen of someone smartphone. The hot song video was constantly nagging me from the day I saw that song. Well today I did not went to the office as I was feeling tired from last two days late sitting in office. So the daemons of my own mind started whispering since I completed 15 days without Moing. I told myself that this is just one video, just because I am curious and I will stop there....well we all know the drill from that point.I relapsed. I am going to abstain from PMO from now on and also I will I will visit this site less often because when I see the counter showing clean days, I start fearing about failure and after few days......something like today....... it happened till date. I just want to live a normal life without all those twisted video( I am not going to repeat the types as I mentioned them in earlier post) and thoughts and fantasies of sex and masturbation. I am going to use every second I get to improve in life and rewire my brain to normal.I am going to meditate for one hour daily. I am going to focus on other areas of my life apart from this dark addiction I have. Lets DO what we are suppose to do rather than thinking about what should be avoided like PMO etc......See you all on Sunday fellow fapstranauts.