Looking for support, commeradarie and of course, freedom

OK . . . here goes for a 3rd try. I’m in my mid-60s and been a porn aficionado/squirming, closeted addict all my life . . . since adolescence. You do the math. Some eras were much worse than others, but I’ve never lived totally without it. My odd life thus far has always involved a parallel track where I aspired to “spiritual” seeking and some degree of intellectual pursuit. (I know, sounds a little pompous, but I’m out of ideas for ways to write this stuff that is more “down to Earth”. I don’t mean orthodox Christianity . . . . the Mystic writers? sure, Gnosticism? yes from what I know about it. Buddhism? Love it. But let’s call it “the God of my understanding” like other recovery communities do, and it’s a broad, broad interpretation (like The Force). I’m actively doing therapy over my secret life, it’s the second time I’ve done therapy and I’ve got a really good therapist who explores with me the whole inner workings of my cravings and behavior and worship (idolatry) of the female form my habit of surrendering to things I know are destructive (yet do them anyway), and mainly gives me tools that keep me reaching out for a kind of higher calling. i.e. a healthy relationship and sexual experience with my wife (who I love), and the capacity to place porn in its proper perspective and the ability to make a better choice when I’m all alone with a computer. I’m slowly learning to see pornography for what it really is, destructive, demeaning (for me anyway), and a poor substitution for real life. Our slogan for our work together is “Never trade what you want the most for what you want at the moment”. (that works for you dieters too). I’m thrilled to see you have an area here called “Self-Improvement”. I’m not interested in being same person but with incredible restraint. I’m hoping for transformation. Seeing reality as it really is I hope will do that, seeing young girls as my daughters or even grand-daughters for instance, not visual, sensual icons. (Think the ending to American Beauty and the choice Kevin Spacey made with the Angela character).

Anyway, I’ve reached out on several other forums and gotten a couple of rude awakenings including on “coach” on another forum immediately referring to my beliefs as “bullshit” and pushing his “higher understanding” of how all this works on me. I tried to sort that out and got nowhere. Some of the other places I’ve visited are strictly behavioral. They deal with the problem from the belt down and I’d like at least a LITTLE stimulating discussion about how the porn fascination relates to the rest of our lives and relationships. Hopefully this kind of talk will eventually find a landing place. That being said, I’d like to be Fap-free for the first time in my life. Love to find a place for camaraderie, support and freedom.

Dr. J

 

Thanks for the warm welcome Grindel . . .you're already miles ahead of anything I've encountered so far! Yeah, expectations can be mine fields. Just let life come at you as it is, not as the way you wished it was. I'm sure we'll chat.