Looking for youtube videos to more eloquently introduce wife to....

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by JustADude, Mar 6, 2020.

  1. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I am very much interested in abstaining from orgasm for an extended period of time. I have not looked at or fantasized about porn in 52 days. I have been reading about how I might not know my normal self. I have been using masturbation and orgasm (MO) on a regular basis as a coping mechanism since I was 12. Based on the science and books I have been reading, the MO habit probably has my mind off its normal operating program. I am quite interested in seeing how my libido, energy level, and other things might change after an extended abstinence from MO.

    Unfortunately, now that I have stopped watching porn, my wife and I have been getting along better and sex has become more frequent. I would like a good conversation starter in the form of a youtube video or blog post, that can help introduce the concept of abstaining from orgasm in a positive light. Basically, talk about the whole thing as a way to strengthen our relationship, instead of talking about it using negative words like 'abstinence'.

    Can you all send me any links you recommend? The more links the better, as I have already googled a lot and come up dissatisfied with the content I found. Thanks!
     
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  2. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Well... I talked to my wife about the idea of abstaining from orgasm. The conversation went much worse than I had hoped.

    Some quotes from the conversation:
    "I don't want you to use me as a science experiment so you can figure out how you feel without orgasm."
    "Why are you pressuring me into doing something I don't want to do."
    "If you don't want to orgasm, then I don't want you touching me during that time."
    "So, you don't want to have sex with me?"

    She was relatively nice during the conversation, at least in the tone of her voice. But... as you can probably tell from the quotes above, I think the conversation did more harm than good. Honestly, I don't feel safe sharing my feelings with my wife, she always seems to twist my words into a personal attack on her.

    She did agree to watch or read something I send her, since I told her that I think I did a terrible job of explaining myself. I don't know what I am going to send her. Even though she agreed, she felt like I was still trying to convince her to do something she doesn't want to do. I tried to explain to her that I just wanted her to have the information from a different person's perspective.

    Arggg... discussing sex and intimacy with my wife is like pulling teeth... if we try to broach a topic that is unfamiliar, or that we don't agree on, or that is uncomfortable, somehow the discussion always turns into a... "Why are you creating problems in our relationship, why are you pressuring me, why are you making a mountain out of a molehill?". Like I wrote above, I don't feel safe sharing these things with her, it is so painful.
     
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  3. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    If I had to read between the lines. My wife does not want any outside source instructing her how to do things differently in the bedroom. It is her private life and she sees outside opinions as intruding on her privacy. So, any mention of ideas about sex or intimacy that were not originally her own, are met with defensiveness.

    It is sort of a religious type thing... like someone is questioning her religious beliefs. I have a hard time appreciating her viewpoint.
     
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  4. Jnuts

    Jnuts Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately your wife sounds a little self centered. Is she aware you had a problem and are now abstaining from porn?

    It isn’t the right thing to do but if my wife told me those things I would probably have sex with her and just not let myself orgasm. “That was great babe. I’m going to turn in.”
     
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  5. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I wanted to give you all an update.

    I sent me wife the following links via email:




    https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/02/25/married-couples-refrain-sex-porn-detox/

    After she watched the 2 videos and read the article, we finally had a good discussion. Here were the highlights:
    1. She had wrongly assumed that I was going to get mad at her if she didn't agree to the sex fast and her assumption was the cause for her defensiveness in our previous conversation.
    2. I felt much better after this conversation because we actually talked about everything openly. I felt like she was listening and that she finally understood (a) what I was requesting, (b) why I was requesting it, (c) how I felt about the whole situation.
    3. She said she really doesn't want to abstain from sex and orgasms with me. She said she feels like she wants to have another baby and those feelings are somehow making the idea of no-sex or no-orgasm very undesirable to her. I am not sure I fully understand what she means, but I learned a long time ago that sometimes women and their hormones are just different than mine and I am better off just accepting the fact that she has strong feelings about something, and that I don't need to logically understand those feelings. She said she wished I had brought up the idea of a sex fast during a different period of our relationship when she was less interested in sex. Fair enough.
    4. The videos above were not perfect, but they helped normalize the idea of a sex fast, and I think her hearing another woman discuss the topic helped her acclimate to the concept.
    5. In the end, she said... "I don't want to do it now, but, maybe if you are still struggling to control your masturbation addiction later down the road, I would be willing to do it then". I am ok with that, there are other ways to skin a cat, and this particular way can be put on hold until she is ready. Maybe I will be able to heal completely without abstaining from orgasm for a long period of time? Who knows.
     
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  6. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Does she like TED talks? Diana Richardson does a good one on the topic.
     
  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    You've probably thought of this but

    Have you thought about timing your sex with her ovulation and then, when she's pregnant, going for a hard mode reboot? She may be happier with the idea when she's pregnant and in the weeks (or months) after the birth.
     
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  8. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Thanks, I'll look it up.

    Wait... are you saying: "You should get her pregnant to make your hard mode reboot easier"? Hahahahaha, I am sure you didn't mean for it to sound that way. Reminds me of the meme...

    [​IMG]
    https://imgflip.com/i/3s0yd8

    I already have enough younglings. I enjoyed the suggestion though.
     
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  9. Jnuts

    Jnuts Fapstronaut

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    Pregnant sex is some of the best sex ever. So I do not recommend.
     
    JustADude likes this.
  10. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    In relation to feeling like your wife is 'twisting your words' into a personal attack, just consider this for a minute: Choosing to refrain from orgasm is to choose not to accept a physical aspect of her love for you. You are choosing to approach sex in a way that gives you control, and takes away from her opportunities to be intimate with her. I can see how that might come across as hurtful in the same way that madturbating to pornography is. You are choosing something for your personal gain, over her. This is not her twisting your words, this is her voicing a perspective that is not your own. It is an understandible reaction. You should be discussing the potential benefits and the negative conscequences of this to reach a decision together. Starting from a position of "This is what I want, you are twisting my words until you agree with me" will not lead to an outcome that pleases either of you.

    I'm sure your nofap journey so far has made you feel great: in control, morally superior to your previous self, on a positive journey, but you need to bring her with you into this brighter future. Sharing intimate information about your sexual habits has likely caused her great pain recently: you are less than two months clean from PMO, and it takes a lot longer than that for most SOs to process their pain from that hidden habit. She will already be hurting, and therefore sensitive to feeling rejected. Why were you choosing porn over her? Why are you now choosing NO sexual stimulation (or climax, etc) over her? You cannot expect that making such a radical decision won't cause her to wonder why, and to worry what is wrong with her/your sex life/your relationship.

    The no-orgasm thing might help with your recovery. It might not. It might be something that your partner can be supportive of, once she understands your motivations. It might not. I would encourage you to be open to NOT trying it, for her sake. If you can't do that, then how can you expect your partner to do the equivalent for you?

    Great work on the 50+ days clean. You're doing great, and you're heading in the right direction. Best of luck for your journey.

    One final point: don't let your frustrated mind turn her into your enemy. She wants to preserve your relationship and your intimacy. That is so valuable and so loving. Don't forget it.
     
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  11. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    I just read further down the thread and got to this post. It sounds like you already had all the wisdom I was trying to share there within you all along. This a a brilliant update and reassuring to see. Awesome stuff.
     
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  12. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    @samnf1990
    I gotta say. Your first response above was most thoughtful and insightful. I don't think you could have expressed yourself any better and what you wrote makes so much sense.

    Being the person inside of the situation, it is hard to see things clearly. You are right, she was seeing my suggestion of no-sex as another rejection of her and understandably so. I should know better, asking her to sacrifice so much for me on an emotional level AND not expecting her to recoil in response, sounds quite silly in hindsight. I am very happy that in the end; my wife and I were able to talk through things and better understand each other.

    Thankyou! Really... thanks!
     
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