Looking to improve my personal relationships and spend my personal time better!

Hello everyone! I've been on the path to becoming a better person for about a year now, but I've continually been tripping up on some vague, unknown sexual obstacle. After doing some research, I think the psychological effects of growing up watching porn are contributing a lot to my personal challenges, which include commitment issues as well a lack of self-value without an external source of female affection (which I've coined "female-validation"). These two issues are very intertwined and are especially nasty when combined with my extremely high sex drive.

I've always been very interested in girls in general and that naturally led to the discovery of internet porn. I watched a lot of porn from ages 16-22 and I think that's shaped how I view the women in and around my life, which manifests in two big ways. The first is that I never view my current girl as being attractive enough. I always feel like I could and should be "doing better". The second is that I struggle to stay sexually happy with just one girl for any significant length of time. Both these habits I can directly relate to known issues caused by porn addiction.

However currently I do not feel as if I have a porn addiction. In college I generally had several real-life girls I was leading on, so porn was fulfilling enough during my "me time". However now that I'm working full time the availability of real women has significantly decreased. Additionally I've begun to recognize myself as a manipulator and have been trying to break that habit. As such, my recent trend has been towards attempting to find a girl on the internet to chat with, in general sexually but not always. I believe my underlying motive is to gain their affection, whether it be through showing off my body or my personality to earn their attention. This manifests in my compulsive use of dating apps, personals ad boards on reddit, and subscription to snapchat camgirls.

This online promiscuity is almost worse than watching porn because it is directly affecting my feelings towards the girl I've recently been seeing. To put it bluntly, I feel like a slut. Its not a good feeling and leads to a lot of self-loathing and depression, but its been a hard habit to break. I want to find a solution to my underlying issues so that going forward I can have real, healthy relationships and be personally happy.

My NoFap goals for the next 90 days are to avoid porn (including camgirls) and masturbation. After the 90 days I plan to evaluate how I feel and then decide whether to continue avoiding masturbation. While I don't feel that a reboot will solve the full spectrum of my issues, I do think it could be a significant help. I'm excited to see what I can become without a constant sexual obsession hanging over my head. Wish me luck!

Tl;dr Looking to reboot to help improve the way I view women in my life, reduce my obsession with/reliance on female affection, and generally improve my personal happiness