Looking to improve myself, but I only want to stop watching porn & masturbating.

bluestars

bluestars

Fapstronaut
Hi, I'm M! I'm new to the community but I've been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a porn and masturbation fixation.

My father committed suicide the first week of March 2017, and as his only daughter, I have been dealing with his estate. It has made me realize that if I continue down the path I'm on, I'm going to lose my great relationship, I will not take advantage of any of my potential, and I will never be happy. I am very much like my father, and his history of mental illness and the bullet that just went through his brain has scared me. I don't want to end up like that. He was an alcoholic and had an addictive personality, and although I've avoided liquor dependency, I feel like I've used porn and self-induced orgasms as the alternate.

Over the past four years, my life has been in a steady decline. At every opportunity alone, I have watched porn. I have spent entire days in my apartment just fapping. Since I biologically can just keep indulging, I can spend hours and hours by myself, my clothes remaining in a pile and my dishes unwashed. I'm stuck in a terrible job. I am not happy with my life. I'm very intelligent, and unfortunately I have not taken advantage of this and have been living my life poorly. I can't afford school because I don't save money. I can't prioritize- instead of looking for a job or doing any chores, I'll just watch porn for hours of the day. I'm 24. I'm not going to give up on my life yet. I need to fight for it. But, that mindset vanishes and I just can't hold my resolve.

Also, I'm a sub that is in a committed vanilla relationship that my boyfriend and I are working towards making an intimate, part-time D/s relationship when my life is more stable. I know that my addiction to P & M is detracting from the quality of my relationship with him. I don't think I can be a good sub with my weakness. The few times that I've attempted to stop on my own, the quality of sex and orgasm goes up even after I abstain for two or three days. I'd like it to stay that way, but I'm weak and I need someone to hold me accountable.
 
Definitly not easy, normally alcohol makes you weaker, so it is easy fapping after some alcohol. so that is good that you are not drinking. but it is still difficult to stop, we know about it, you might need to find a diversion. What I mean is.. do a sport, or a hobby, so you are not thinking to much about porn and don't have the need for it so quickly. I know sometimes we are still weak and want to go back to porn, but that is exactly the moment you need to keep yourself busy. hope i'm making any sense :) !
 
Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

I do not know your grief but I do understand the shock, the pain and the loss feelings that occur when a loved one dies. I'm still dealing with the loss of mother which occurred March 2016. You've made a wise decision seeking help from your PMO dependency.

The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
 
I'm just avoiding any sources of temptation, and giving myself incentives for not indulging. There are a lot of things I gain when I abstain, and I have written little reminders in the most helpful places for me, especially on re-directs on my computer.
 
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