Looking to improve myself, but I only want to stop watching porn & masturbating.

Hi, I'm M! I'm new to the community but I've been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a porn and masturbation fixation.

My father committed suicide the first week of March 2017, and as his only daughter, I have been dealing with his estate. It has made me realize that if I continue down the path I'm on, I'm going to lose my great relationship, I will not take advantage of any of my potential, and I will never be happy. I am very much like my father, and his history of mental illness and the bullet that just went through his brain has scared me. I don't want to end up like that. He was an alcoholic and had an addictive personality, and although I've avoided liquor dependency, I feel like I've used porn and self-induced orgasms as the alternate.

Over the past four years, my life has been in a steady decline. At every opportunity alone, I have watched porn. I have spent entire days in my apartment just fapping. Since I biologically can just keep indulging, I can spend hours and hours by myself, my clothes remaining in a pile and my dishes unwashed. I'm stuck in a terrible job. I am not happy with my life. I'm very intelligent, and unfortunately I have not taken advantage of this and have been living my life poorly. I can't afford school because I don't save money. I can't prioritize- instead of looking for a job or doing any chores, I'll just watch porn for hours of the day. I'm 24. I'm not going to give up on my life yet. I need to fight for it. But, that mindset vanishes and I just can't hold my resolve.

Also, I'm a sub that is in a committed vanilla relationship that my boyfriend and I are working towards making an intimate, part-time D/s relationship when my life is more stable. I know that my addiction to P & M is detracting from the quality of my relationship with him. I don't think I can be a good sub with my weakness. The few times that I've attempted to stop on my own, the quality of sex and orgasm goes up even after I abstain for two or three days. I'd like it to stay that way, but I'm weak and I need someone to hold me accountable.

 

I mean, yes. That is why I'm on here.

 

I'm just avoiding any sources of temptation, and giving myself incentives for not indulging. There are a lot of things I gain when I abstain, and I have written little reminders in the most helpful places for me, especially on re-directs on my computer.