Losing attraction to your SO

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Lindbain, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    Yes, she did move forward - remarried, just had the second child. They are happy!

    *

    If your SO has been doing this for a long time...he may need a long reboot as well. FWIW, I've never read an account of one rebooting and not falling back for the SO. Just a wild guess on the mechanism at work: abstaining from PMO, and making you his everything, should rewire his brain to you, once you are intimate again? He must've fancied you, in fact loved you, to have started that relationship.

    Not an expert on this, but wish you guys all the best!

    P.S. Your username just breaks me inside with sadness. Sorry.
     
  2. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    The likelihood that he is going around from what you describe is high. From what he was doing to no struggle quitting is quite literally more rare than hard drives for off line access and / or using other devices. The going soft part and lack of interest also points to possible porn use.
     
  3. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Oh, I'm glad to hear! Good for her!!

    I thought my username was a bit dramatic even though it has so much truth to it. (...he actually doesn't love me, he's told me - but wants me to stay).
    Thank you for responding and for your kind words :)
     
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  4. safa61947

    safa61947 Fapstronaut

    I just wanted to say while there's life there's hope. This is what I believe.
     
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  5. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    hmmm... I really hope not.
    Yeah, zero interest (but he never showed interest when he did watch either). Two days ago I said it's been a month since we had S -he responded with "I think my libido is off now"... which confuses me.
     
  6. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I hope not too, but I read your comment as "I think my lying is working fine, and my libido is satiated (not off, just taken care of) with porn, thanks for asking"

    Yes, flatline is a thing, but usually would be more a thing like " I have no interest, it's really weird I've never been so uninterested before, I hope this doesn't continue!".
    Asexual is a thing....but that doesn't go with the past porn use.

    So.....call me doubtful.
     
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  7. safa61947

    safa61947 Fapstronaut

    Men are very smart in hiding things like masturbation and porn. I'd make sure he's not watching anything before thinking you're unattractive or something of the sort.

    I agree with @ItsInTheBag , he had feelings for you before, otherwise he wouldn't marry you. It's a matter of he dropping his bad habit to see what he has. But if he is clean and you look him with despise (men notice this too) then I guess the marriage is indeed over.
     
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  8. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    You make valid points. Thank you.. I hope you're not right on this, but very well may be..
     
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  9. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Thank you.. I don't think that I'm not attractive to others, but only to him.

    We aren't married, in fact, he does not love me..
    yeah I'm starting to despise him which I do not want to do, it's naturally unfolding the more unattractive and unwanted he makes me feel.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2019
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  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    If you feel he does not love you, why do you stay? Don't you think you deserve more than that?
     
  11. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    It's not that I feel like he doesn't, he's actually told me for 2.5 years that he does not and doesn't know why he can't feel more.
    (after being found out that he took his ex on a night dates and lunches at work, kept a secret friendship with her daily, etc.. during our whole relationship up to that point and after I found out about the Porn 6 weeks later he had an epiphany for around 3 weeks that he did love me- but that was short-lived).

    Whenever I would bring up certain things to him and tell him how I felt he would always tell me to give him more time, always ask me to wait and that he has more to offer, so I would wait. Every 4 months or so I would feel sad and it would come up again, he would say the same thing each time...now I feel like he was just stringing me along, I believed him every single time and had hope that he would eventually love me- I mean he had to right!? All of a sudden 2.5 years have passed now and I'm still here without being loved. I also stay because I still have love for him.
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
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  12. JamesTheSquirrel

    JamesTheSquirrel Fapstronaut

    @Shatteredsoul. I acted very similar to how your SO acted for the past 3 years. My wife thought that I wasn't watching P, I lied straight to her face that I wasn't watching. She would tell me monthly about how I was no longer acting interested and how I wasn't putting in any effort. I made excuses linked to my depression and played it off that my libido had just somehow gone. I told her I was going to change but it never happened. I was an addict though and it is only really after quitting that I have start to properly feel ashamed of my actions.

    She knew something was wrong, she went through the same experience as you. Slowly feeling less attractive and losing self confidence. She also very definitely lost a lot of attraction to me as well.

    Thank you for posting. One of the things that has helped me a lot is to read the experiences of SOs of PAs. In fact it was reading the posts on the loveafterporn subreddit that finally made me realise the damage I was doing and come clean to my wife.

    One thing I can say is that it's not enough just to quit PMO in my opinion. That's the destination but the journey to get there is about making changes to become a better person. Have you felt your SO has tried to change himself to become a better person? Has he put more effort into the relationship? Is he part of a support group or active on here? Sure someone can quit P but that doesn't automatically make them not a shitty person.

    Good luck, I hope he's not lying to you but from my own experience as an addict I think you need to confront him and get to the bottom of this.
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like he is using you and abusing you. You may love him but he doesn't love you. The question is, do you love yourself?
     
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  14. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    What I have learned is porn use warps true thoughts and feelings like any other disease. If porn has been a part of his life for a long time it’s likely he himself doesn’t understand what he is feeling.

    I know how difficult it is to be in that position. My BF says he loves me but continually rejects me physically and emotionally. Some days I fear I’m done and others I feel strength to fight. I have resigned to the fact that I will likely keep trying until I can’t anymore and I have no idea whether that will be tomorrow or 5 years from now. Just one day at a time.

    Good luck to you!
     
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  15. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    Maybe he "doesn't love you"...since he jumped so deep into P? See, my colleague's husband didn't love her anymore, either. The question is...what does "love" mean to an addict?
     
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  16. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    Of course!

    I always had something for the victims of this kind of abuse. It's so insidious, right in your face and most people simply laugh at something "normal" being so toxic! Telling you the true nature of this beast, the way I've experienced it, is the least I can do. I never got so deep into P that I even as much as said anything bad to my wife, or didn't have a good sex life. The attraction towards her diminished, but I never hurt her, she didn't have the slightest idea what I was fighting against.

    I told her after this addiction only after I was clean. I don't think she ever comprehended entire thing. Our sex life was fantastic, once again.

    I was then clean for around 3.5 years. She then decided she didn't love me anymore (after 11 years of marriage) w/o any kind of warning...we have this "wonderful" thing called "no fault divorce"...the whole "it's not you, it's me"...this happened two years ago. At least she didn't have someone, I know this 100% (no, not just my "gut feelings")...anyway. Back to P I went (stupid me!); now I'm in this for good and I won't ever reset that counter. Whatever worked for me back then still works now.

    I've recovered now, but I still wish I could erase those wonderful 11 years out of my life. P addiction is horrendous, but a non-addicted woman can do just as much damage.

    I've changed a lot, and, at the end of the day, for the better. Beating P is just a part of me rebuilding myself.
     
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  17. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    It's great that you realized the problem and are trying to fix it! And that you came clean to your wife. How is she now? Did the attraction come back? I was also blindsided when I found it - I couldn't believe that he had been lying to me during the entire relationship.
    My SO has not changed (he's always been pretty attentive so that continues) however, he has not put any more effort into the relationship. He knows exactly what I need to feel safe, wanted, valued, cared for etc.. but still deprives me of it (word affirmation- this is HUGE to me and this is something he has never once given to me- never one time has he given me a compliment ..he also has never told me he cares without me having to bring it up etc.. and not initiating s)
    He was on here for a short time - he no longer comes on because he says he doesn't like the vibe cause they're a lot of negative threads (people relapsing etc) He does go to SAA every week and therapy every week - that is all...
    He stopped reading books he bought about addiction, love languages, being attached etc, he stopped listening to podcasts about addiction, betrayal trauma and just listens to sports, he stopped journaling on Fortify.. he just goes to his meetings.

    And Thanks - I hope he's not lying either!
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2019
  18. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I don't know if he intentionally strung me along or if it just happened that way -I don't know what the point would have been.
    By definition - no I don't believe I love myself.
     
  19. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what love means to an addict...- he loved all of his ex-gf's during the relationship, he watched porn then too. He now says looking back he doesn't think what he felt was love. Maybe he doesn't even know what it feels like.

    Did she not know that your attraction towards her faded? Did it come back when you stopped watching?
    I'm sorry about your divorce. Did your porn use have to do with her no longer loving you eventually leading to the divorce? I am also divorced, due to the effects of my ex's porn use. It's disturbing how many lives and families are turned upside down over something preventable.

    It's good that you want to change. Your experience and knowledge of how horrible porn is and your positive attitude will help you rebuild your self into someone better than before!

    (what do you mean about a non-addicted woman)?
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2019
  20. JamesTheSquirrel

    JamesTheSquirrel Fapstronaut

    It's only been 7 days so far so it's still too early tell exactly how things are going to pan out. She is still very much disgusted by my actions and I have realised what a monster I was whilst living with PA. Even so, she has been incredibly supportive and we both know that I can beat this.

    My attraction to her has definitely begun to return. At times I have felt aroused by just thinking about her or being in her presence. That's definitely not to say I'm cured though. My emotions are still a roller-coaster and I know I need to get to the point where I can trust myself to never watch P again.

    For me I know that needs to be an active process, definitely in the short term and probably very far in to the long term as well. I want to be posting a journal everyday and reading about the struggles of others so I can try and support them and learn from them. I want to be a better person not just for myself but for my wife as well. I know she will leave if things don't improve.

    Do you discuss with each other how his meetings are going? It might help create a deeper understanding between you of what he is going through and open more of a dialogue about your feelings as well.
     
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