Losing Hope, But Starting Again

Hello my name is Sean and I just relapsed after 11 days free. I have been trying to break my addiction to porn and masturbation for 2 years now and I have been watching porn and masturbating for several years. My longest streak of days without PMO is 40 and I'm trying to do better. Before today's relapse I had wet dreams for 2 nights in a row and they made me very weak when it came to resisting the urges that the dreams gave me and I failed today. I will say that after 2 years I am beginning to lose hope in my goal of a PMO free life. I find I have the best success when I am distracted from even thinking about porn or masturbation. I go to Michigan for a few weeks every year and I find I am strongest there because of the distractions and fun things that go on when I'm there. I also had a girlfriend that made me no longer feel the need to masturbate but we broke up so I don't have that help anymore. I just got back from Michigan and I did masturbate once halfway through the trip which was disappointing compared to my last trips there but for the rest of it I abstained until I got home and now relapsed today. I just don't really believe that I can resist urges for that long. In my head it seems easy but when I really try it part of my brain wants to find a reason to watch porn or masturbate so I trick myself into feeling that it's justified and then I relapse and feel horrible. I am young so I want to beat this thing while I can but hormones and my age kind of get in the way. I can't exactly drive to a gym to keep myself from relapsing and I can't do major preventive things cause my parents might find it odd. I usually feel great when I'm "sober" and I try to punish myself by working out or reading when I mess up. My goal right now is to make it through the rest of July (since today is the 1st) without any PMO of any kind unless it's a wet dream or the porn is an honest accident and I wasn't intentionally searching for it. I am also holy so I feel like going to church helps me reboot but I haven't had a chance recently. I want to view this as a fresh start. I am going to try to keep this thread updated but if I don't it's because I am distracted from the entire topic of PMO and that's a good thing. I hope I do well this time.

 

I messed up again but I'm gonna keep moving forward. I got tempted by something and I was unable to resist.

 

Ugh I feel so disappointed... I just relapsed again in the same day. I was upset about my relapse earlier but then I went on a bike ride and jumped in my pool and I felt a lot better about myself. Then I got really tempted again and resisted it but I ending up relapsing later anyway. I'm off to a bad start and I always feel so physically dirty afterwards. Like I have to take a shower and wash my clothes even if they didn't actually get dirty. I'm just feeling guilty and discouraged but like always I have to keep going or else I'll just feel even worse.

 

I'm doing okay right now but I think I may have just edged on accident. It was only for a second but when I got out of the shower I paid down on my bed in a towel and I moved in a way that gave the feeling of fapping. I moved away when I noticed what happened and it wasn't on purpose but I feel kinda bad about it cause I'm trying to fully abstain from all masturbation. I'm not going to count it though because it was an accident but I have to be more careful because it tempted me to do more.

 

I was doing okay for awhile and I resisted a lot of tempations today and I felt good but I just relapsed now. It just seems that if I can't abstain now, then even if I do get far, failure is inevitable

 

I think GeneralderFreienWelt is right. I am setting my goal to 7 days. I am just going to play it by week. Every time I reach seven days, I'll add another to the goal. This way the goals will seem more achievable.

 

I think I'm doing okay. I'm more than 50% to my goal and I haven't been too tempted lately. I went to church today which usually makes me feel clean but due to some stuff that happened at the mass it wasn't too great :/ (but that's another story). I did pray to help my addiction though. This week should be busy and that will help me reach my goal so I can set another one.

 

I am tempted right now and usually I use the fact that I just went to church as a reason not to do something bad but because of the events that happened to day I feel strange about that. Anyway something else stopped me. I saw a picture that made me feel bad about porn and helped me to decide against submitting to the urge. But I'm still a little tempted and I kind of want to watch it. I'm just imagining it and it's hard to resist. It's seems like I good idea in my head but I know it's not. I'm going to try to resist.

 

Welp... With a little help from the emergency button, I am happy to say I resisted (for now). And I'm freakin proud. This was hard because I didn't even feel the need to masturbate, I just really wanted to watch porn. But I didn't Success!!! It's little victories like these that I will remember.

 

Well I woke up this morning and I had what I think was a wet dream but I cant tell if it was my fault. I was on my back so I couldn't have masturbated, but I was like half asleep (I think) and my dream was still kind of happening in my mind and then I sort of just O'ed. It was weird and it was very short and I felt like I did something wrong but I didn't watch any porn of masturbate cuz my eyes were closed so I think I was still partially dreaming. I'm not going to count it for now but part of me feels like I should.

 

Well never mind everything... I just relapsed anyway. I'm gonna try again but it does suck that I can't even make it 7 days anymore. I used to be better