Link to previous journal: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/hfr’s-journey.226851/ ___________________ P (-), M (-), E (-), T (2) I'm gonna start fresh. I took a break from journaling for a while, mostly because I didn't figure there was much to say. Things have been going very smoothly with my life, my marriage, etc. That is, until a couple days ago. No slips, no relapse...just a somber realization of the damage that has already been done, and some negative thinking trying to take hold of me again. So let's back up. I have reached a six-month milestone without the PMO monster controlling my private time. Some of my previous journal talks about that journey, with a good chunk of it from the perspective that I am a failure and would always be a failure. Well, you don't get to this point by just "not failing" every day. I had to start actively succeeding. So what has that looked like? The most impactful things have been to open up to some of my closest family and friends about my addiction. One of these friends is also my coworker, so I always have an opportunity to talk to him. He also provides LOTS of judgment free encouragement. The other "best thing ever" is the internet filter. SO much of the temptation to slip goes away when I have tools in place to keep me safe. I have learned much about Betrayal Trauma and how my selfish acts affected my wife. To the best of my ability, I have taken steps to minimize further damage by changing some of my behaviors that are triggering to her. Some examples include taking shorter showers with a transparent curtain, turning all computer screens outward so they are always visible, and never traveling alone overnight for work. In addition, I am actively shedding the "porn brain" fog, and allowing myself to be more present in the moment. This has led to me being kinder at home, helping out more with things that need done, and being more mindful of my wife's emotional needs. I compliment her more than ever before, and I do not take anything for granted. When in the throes of addiction, I used to feel like life was "dragging me around by the hair". I feel so much better about myself now. I am eating better (we're all trying Keto), exercising at the YMCA, and I'm trying to practice meditation more. I'm no longer a Human Fail Robot...I feel like a new man... a New Drew! Hence the name change. The past couple of days, though, I've noticed a shift in my wife's demeanor. It was subtle at first, coming off as some slight offhanded comments or her turning her cheek when I went to kiss her. A notable decrease in physical touch (my primary love language). So it got us to talking on Saturday. To summarize, she feels uneasy when I am in bed with her most of the time. We discussed whether it was only if I was in bed first, or if we went to bed at the same time, or whether I came to bed later. There did not seem to be a difference. So last night, we agreed to sleep separately, with me in my son's room with him (he has two beds). I had to leave early for work today, so I have not had a chance to hear how last night's sleep went for her. So, my mind begins shifting toward a negative outlook. Wondering if I've really accomplished ANYTHING. Well, I don't have to look much further than a text my wife sent me a couple weeks ago celebrating my six-months porn free. I KNOW I'm on the right track. There are a couple shortcomings in my strategy, some false assumptions (i.e. that neither she nor anyone else really wants to know the details of my day-to-day efforts). That's the other reason I started a journal over. I relocated it to this forum as it seems like it might be more appropriate for me, being married with children. I don't always have the time to write as much as I have just now. But I can make more of an effort, since I know it's useful to someone. So I thank my beautiful wife for re-igniting the fire of commitment. Forge Further Forward!