Losing My Mind (and Building a New One)

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P (-), M (-), E (-), T (1), C (3)

I've been less busy the past couple of days, which is great for me - time to breathe and focus! I started a new routine of going to the gym early in the morning before work, and that really helped me stay on track all day. I spent 30 minutes power-walking the track and listening to my latest motivational tome (Unf**k Yourself). On Monday, it really helped set the tone of the day. Today, I carried on with that feeling, and I hope that tomorrow I can refresh it again with another morning routine.

In general, I've felt pretty happy in the past couple of days. My wife is in that part of the month where sex is really not on her mind. I've actually been the same for the past couple of days so it hasn't been a problem. I moved the "C for Connectedness" down to a 3/5, though. Even though that is probably no fault of hers at all, and she just has her mind on other things, I naturally go into the "self-preservation" mode, worrying that something is wrong. Then I have to correct myself and realize that she's just doing her thing and she's focused on other stuff, and I'm not always the center of attention, and that's okay (!!). So just going through the normal ebbs and flows of connection and getting used to those feelings is getting easier.

I was disappointed yesterday after talking to my mother on the phone (she lives 1100 miles away from us in Florida). I told her about my idea to start a business. In her several counterpoints, she used the word "fail" about eight times. The old Human Fail Robot would've eaten that right up and been convinced of its truth. But the New Drew doesn't play that! I am well aware of how my unmet need that porn was numbing is my desire for acceptance and being good enough. I have never gotten that from my parents, and I continue to not get it from them. So I have learned to accept that and move on, and I am learning to deal with those feelings like an adult, and not an adolescent child. At the end of the call, though, I was able to hear her force out an "I'm happy for you", with the qualifier: "if that's what you want and you've thought it through", and she finished off with "what's the worst that can happen - you and your whole family will be homeless". Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom!

I have done very well for about 7 months now, focusing on positive aspects of my life, my recovery, etc. That has allowed me to take active steps in continuing to improve, and pour more good into my wife and kids. I think what I need to get better at is accepting negative thoughts, comments, etc. and using them. I can't just wall them all off, but I can work on processing them in a more healthy way. Walking at the gym, using the rowing machine, etc. has been one of those outlets.


Drew
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Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
 
TheNewDrew42 said:
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P (-), M (-), E (-), T (1)

Resources.

I've come across many resources during this recovery process. I wanted to share the ones that have worked for me the best. I teased this last week, and started to write some things down, and NoFap saved the draft...well, it looks like the draft only saves for a short time before it's gone, so I'm back to zero!

The most significant resource thus far has been Qustodio Parental Control software for all of my devices. Without question, this is the most significant reason why my counter is in the 200's. It has given me the time needed to establish a battle plan in my mind and get the focus where it needs to be (on making a great life for myself and my family). the "T" at the top of my list is for Temptations / Thoughts about porn or porn behaviors. It is a scale from 0-5. I've never put it at a zero, because I can't remember a day where a thought about porn doesn't cross my mind. It's what I do with that thought that counts. The scale increases as the thoughts are more frequent or persistent. A 5 means that I was almost unable to function at all and I should be reaching out to someone. I don't remember the last time I was at a 4 or 5 (it was before I started tracking it, definitely). I've spent most of the past several months in the 1-2 range. I'd say the easiest reason for that is having a tool that prevents me from taking any kind of action on those thoughts. I liken it to an alcoholic who is trying to stop, but still has alcohol all over their house. Or a porn addict with a stack of magazines under their bed. You can resist, and white-knuckle your way through for a time, but it seems like a set up for failure if you're not putting tools in place to let a genuine recovery take root. I've said before that my biggest weaknesses / triggers are access and opportunity. Qustodio has taken those things away, and for that I am thankful.

The other most valuable resources I've gone to include:
- "Sex Afflictions and Porn Addictions" podcast by Craig Perra, founder of the Mindful Habit program. Craig's podcast was essential for me with his tough language approach for me in the early months of recovery. His approach was exactly what I needed to hear at the time.

- "PornFree Radio" podcast is similar to Craig's, but Matt is a softer voice, with more practical and program-based approaches to recovery. I was able to learn how to create and execute a plan, how to come up with 7-day stretch goals and go beyond the "day counter" into a lasting change mentality.

- "Porn Reboot" podcast by JK Emazi is also like the ones above, but much shorter and direct - about 15-20 minutes each podcast.

- "The Betrayed, The Addicted and the Expert" podcast is geared toward couples, and helped me understand Betrayal Trauma and how to relate to my wife's pain and recovery. It helped me understand the gravity of the situation from her perspective (since I'd pretty much shut that off during my addiction).

I also listen to many audiobooks, and learn much from those resources as well. Without listing them all, the most valuable ones to me were "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson and "Recovery" by Russell Brand. More recently, I've been reading (listening to) books that are geared toward mindfulness, meditation and controlling your thoughts. With the external triggers minimized, my battlefield is now inside my head, understanding and manipulating how my thoughts are turned into actions.

The title of my journal is actually borrowed from one of these books - "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself - How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One" by Joe Dispenza.

I have a best friend and coworker who also serves as an accountability partner. He is aware of my recovery process and we touch base on my progress usually weekly. We also talk about the positive habits I am forming as well (diet, exercise, mindfulness, etc.) He is an invaluable asset in my recovery and I am honored to have him in my life.

***

It was amazing to me to learn about how much material there is out there for guys who are seriously looking to put an end to porn in their life! I am grateful for the makers of each of those resources for helping me climb out of the hole and see what I've been missing. If any of those resources can help ANY of the readers of my journal, I encourage you to look into them.

Drew
________________
Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
Click to expand...

Reading this so far has been super inspiring- 200+ days? Thats like- 5x my current record! Thanks alot for posting these, makes me feel like the path is alot clearer.
 
Hameilixia said:
200+ days? Thats like- 5x my current record!
Click to expand...
@Hameilixia - It really is possible to get those numbers...but you 1) be determined to change FOR YOUR OWN BETTERMENT, and 2) be willing to put up strong walls around you. My internet filter is the best defense, because it takes so much of the thinking out of it. I don't even have to worry about being tempted to click into porn, because it's just not possible. And I've made it so getting around the filter is just not worth the effort, and that gives me plenty of time to get out of that mindset if I'm having a moment of weakness.

Keep at it! Once you get past the first little bit, the days just start to melt away and before you know it you're six months in. Your addiction will start to fade into the background of your life and it will become powerless over you.

Having a path is definitely a great thing for you. Have hope that others have been where you are and have moved on from it!
 
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P (-), M (-), E (-), T (1), C (3)

It's been a decent couple of days. Took care of our van over the weekend, which took up most of my time (brakes, rotors, etc.).

I know my wife has been dealing with flare-ups of BT for the past week or two, and coupled with her "dark blue pill week", I've been treading lightly. It's little things I notice - like asking strange questions about where I've been for work, and looking up phone numbers of coworkers that have called/texted me. Knowing what BT is, and knowing she is entirely justified in asking these questions based on history - it helps me to understand where her mind is. I've given her the space to work those feelings out on her own. For me, the challenge is not falling into negative thinking because of it.

I have done my best to stay consistent in my recovery. I hope she can work out what triggers the flare ups so that I can help her avoid them.

At the same time, there have been a lot of positives this weekend. She got defensive of me when we talked a little bit about some of my mother's comments (from the last post). We worked on the car together for a little bit, watched a Netflix show together, and had some really excellent bedroom time!

So, in general, it has been a good weekend. I will talk to her about some ways to button up loose ends, but I am encouraged overall.

Drew
________________
Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
 
_________________________
P (-), M (-), E (-), T (2), C (4)

I have had a pretty good week, considering.

My wife and I have been very well connected this week, I think. We both have our things going on, of course, but we've been spending time together and and enjoying each other's company.

Had a tough phone call this week from a client of mine who decided to try something new this upcoming year and go with a competing consultant. That was difficult for me, but my wife and best-friend-coworker rallied around me immediately. So I am not sure yet how losing that client will affect my ability to start my own business (from all indications it looks like it will be more difficult, but not impossible). We are also looking at using our tax return to invest in a machine for my wife's woodworking business that will allow her to open an entirely new business line. There is potential for the investment to pay for itself within two months, and really help push the company into a whole new level of success. I REALLY want that to work out for her. Not only because I am proud of her and want her to succeed at what she's doing...not only because she deserves all of those accomplishments and deserves to be rewarded for her efforts. It also takes some of the risk away from me, and I don't have to shoulder 100% of the financial burden.

I do notice how easy it is for me, after something negative happens in my life, to want to just throw in the towel and give up. I was already considering how to quit my job, move out of my house and just be a line worker somewhere who can just punch out at the end of the day and not have to think about it anymore. I have done a very good job of not letting negativity control me - but I see it VERY CLEARLY right there beneath the surface. It would take me if I let it. Instead, I will feed the right wolf, take things a day at a time, live in the power of NOW, and appreciate everything I have and have accomplished so far. I am almost to 300 days, for crying out loud! That is an accomplishment worth celebrating, right?!

Drew
________________
Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
 
_________________________
P (-), M (-), E (-), T (1), C (3)

It's been an extremely busy week - with early mornings and busy evenings. Sorry I haven't had time to journal.


I learned Friday that my wife is AMAZING at talking to our 13 year old son about some depression issues. My wife also suffers from depression and takes medicine for it - so she was quick to jump in with the right words to say when he was angry and screaming at everyone on Friday night. It's just wonderful for me to sit back and watch how she interacted with him. I'm really proud of how she spoke to him, and I felt like she just came out and said exactly the right things at exactly the right time... I could never do that.

Last night she went to a concert with friends. I'm really happy for her because she usually doesn't go out with any friends.

Been feeling pretty content this week.

Drew
________________
Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
 
_________________________
P (-), M (-), E (-), T (1), C (4)

Last week was not as busy as some of the previous weeks have been. I know I'm about to get busier again in the coming weeks, with some traveling to do.

My wife has been having difficulty sleeping again, and she assures me it is not because of anything I am doing or have done. So that is a relief to me - but it also concerns me about her health and wellbeing. I want her to keep a more positive outlook on life - part of what has helped me so much this year is staying positive and looking at the good things and appreciating the beauty in my life. It seems harder for her, especially as she struggles to sleep and stay engaged in household needs, family, etc.

Triggers and temptations have been very distant this week - which only concerns me because I must make sure to not let my guard down. On one hand, I feel relieved because I can go through days and weeks without even thinking of porn, but on the other hand I feel like that's when I'm most vulnerable - when my mind is off of it. So it's a careful balancing act trying to stay attentive, and not be deceived into thinking that it is no longer an issue.

I am still going strong, and continuing to put one foot in front of the other.

Drew
________________
Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
 
_________________________
P (-), M (-), E (-), T (1), C (4)

Another week that has been busy with a lot of work commitments, and household needs that are getting further behind, and a pair of parents who are getting increasingly frustrated. My wife and I are pretty well connected lately, I believe. We are both just tired with all of the things we have to do.

I need to spend more time making life respond to me instead of the other way around.

Back to the Y tomorrow.

Drew
________________
Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
 
_________________________
P (-), M (-), E (-), T (1), C (4)

This has been one of the weirdest weeks! I went from being steady at work and working to balance my work/home life to having pretty much NO work life. This COVID-19 pandemic has shut the service sector down in the industrial world. Add to it that my four kids are going to be home from school for the next month, and I am going to be spending a lot of time with my family for the next month or two.

I have to say, though, that I am REALLY liking that! It gives me a chance to recalibrate and to stay in tune with everyone's needs. Just as work-related travel was starting to get a bit more frequent it was cut off just like that in the last two days.

My wife and I have been doing very well, spending time together watching shows, working on household needs and having bedroom time ;o). We have not really talked much about my recovery lately. I don't really know what I would say, though, since I'm pretty much in "maintenance mode" at this point. My focus has been on work, money and long-term goals (i.e. starting my own business and building a retirement nest egg). Porn is quite distant from my mind right now. In fact, the only times it really does enter my mind is when I come here to post about it. That's okay, since it's a reminder of where I've come from. But I really prefer the days where I can stay steady, and be engaged with my wife and kids, and plugged in to reality.

Right now I am really glad that I am working where I am - at a company that has built up enough business that it can weather the storm for a couple of months. I am glad that I have the flexibility to work at home when I need to during these upcoming weeks. I look forward to spending more time with those closest to me.

Drew
________________
Feed the Right Wolf!
Forge Further Forward!
 
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